Understanding "Me"

Through the years of marriage, kids, and life; you can easily find yourself off track. You can become wrapped up in being someone's wife, someone's mom, kids activities, keeping up with birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, and the generalized life expectations. After years of being everything to everyone, you can easily lose track of you. The person you are, may not be the person you want to be, or need to be. You may have a burning desire, deep in your chest for some passion you have let go of to be who you needed to be for so long. You may be like so many, this day in age, that have pushed your own wants and needs so far back to allow for your kids or spouse to have their wants and needs; that you feel trapped. You will either have support from those who love you to try or pursue your own passions, or you will get all kinds of grief. There doesn't seem to be much in between. Maybe, you once loved to do something and have tried to do it again; only to find that you don't love it as much anymore. Maybe you are itching to have some new experiences, but have held back out of fear, or lack of direction. DO IT!

I have been a wife for 16 years, a mom for 15 years, and made some massive changes in my life. Not only did I move from a large town to rural America; I moved out of state, 300 miles from where I grew up. It may not sound like a long distance, but it's comparable to 2 different worlds. It's as different as night and day! I married a great guy from the area, but never anticipated the canyon of differences between us, our up bringing, and our families. Somehow, we have made it this far, and the differences now are more like a dip in the Earth. Becoming a Mom, after years of miscarriages, was amazing! However, a year and 3 months of marriage, had not yet prepared us for the shift our lives would take after having a baby. Our marriage was bad for the first 7 years, at best! Adjusting to life style changes for me, adjusting to each of our stubborn ways; when neither of us was willing to give an inch, adjusting to a having a baby that cried all the time, were just a few of life's lessons we had to learn. After we finally found some solid ground, we were given yet another surprise. Our youngest. 8 years after we had our oldest, 7 years after my cancer and being told once again I could not have anymore children, our youngest made a rapid appearance in our world. Then we had to adjust our lives once again. I had to adjust my life. I was terrified to start all over. Needless to say, our youngest has definitely given us a run for our money! It's amazing how 2 kids from the same parents, can be so entirely different in personality, and attitude. The oldest is laid back, easy going and thrives on learning something new. The youngest, wow! She is high strung, independent, strong-willed, and know EVERYTHING! With 8 1/2 years between them, I am realizing how much easier it was to handle kids when I was 8 1/2 younger! More times than not, our youngest and I hit heads. Her attitude and personality are a younger version of me, unfortunately. :-) I love my kids, more than anything in this world. I would do anything humanly possible to help them, but by doing so, I have let go of me. By trying to be the best wife possible, and learn a world that I did not grow up, one that is completely foreign to anything I had ever seen, I let go of me. I became fully immersed in the roles I had to play, Mom & wife. Yes, even in that order.

What I'm learning, and have found that I have neglected, first and foremost, is me. This was not a conscience decision, it just kind of happened. First, I was transitioning as a wife. This was not all that easy for me. Sharing space, time and decisions, has never been a good or easy thing for me. Honestly, I have been set in my own ways for as long as I can remember. I have always had my thoughts about the way things should go, happen, and be. I gave my own parents a run for their money with my independence, from such a young age. Then came the time to be married, in a different state, a different way of life, dividing time with families, and dealing with decisions I had no control over...made life really rocky! My own expectations were high, I still believed in the theory of "happily ever after," and thought I should have the fairy tale life. I was the outsider in the world I was living. I was and to some degree am still considered the "city girl." Just as when I was younger, I was out to prove myself capable. The more I tried to prove myself, the more I felt outside my elements. Like I said before, I have always been strong-willed, hard headed and set in my ways. During a time that would have been so easy to walk away from everything, and never look back; I took the challenge to prove I was not only able to live this life, but to do so successfully. There were plenty of times I was ready to give up, and walk away. I didn't have anyone to talk to, no one to really help me through the massive changes my life was taking. At the time, I had a husband who was just as hard headed as I was, and just as set in his ways. We argued all the time. His thoughts were, I was going to bitch at him whether he was home or gone, so he just stayed gone. I was completely lost, and felt really alone. I learned to depend on myself, and struggled through the loneliness that I had never felt before. I didn't fit bill for the life I was married into. I know this. Even to this day, I don't fit the bill of what is considered "normal." I have never fit that bill! Like I said, I have always had my own thoughts, always followed my own path, and had my own opinions. I follow my own path, my own thoughts, and my own beliefs. This has caused me a lot of headaches, but I am not willing to give up all of myself, completely! I could have handled the early years of my marriage a lot better, but I didn't. I was unhappy, out of my element, and everyone was going to pay for it. I really don't believe it was intended that way, but it worked out that way. I learned even before our marriage, who I could trust and who I couldn't. Trust to me, trustis not something that can ever be rebuilt fully, once it's been broken. I have been through a lot of bad situations in my life, when people I should have been able to trust, let me down. Since I was 14/15 years old, I have not trusted easily. Once that trust is broke...it's gone. Some situations, I can build a different type of relationship, others I can't and won't. Many times, I try to give the benefit of doubt. Some have worked and some have not. You can only be let down so many times, before you let go of even trying. Honestly, I learned early in life, how to shut down my emotions. I learned caring too much left you wide open for being hurt. I learned the unfortunate lesson that there is only ever 1 person you can fully depend on, yourself. With that thought though, you can let yourself down, by not being fully who you are as a person. When you try so hard to fit into a life that is not yours, you change. Whether you do so willingly and with full understanding, you do so to fit into a life you think you want with no real knowledge of what you are getting into, or you do so expecting to change that life into something you do want; you are changing you. For me, the 2 last thoughts, in the prior sentence, fit me.

I tried to fit into a life I didn't have a clue about. I thought I could remain the person I was, and the life I didn't have a clue about would change to include me. For years, neither was working. I tried to change my husband to fit what I thought he should be, we lived basically the life he had always lived, and I did not fit. I had difficulties adapting to being in the middle of no where with no one else to talk to. I quit going home to visit because it just kept reminding me how much I missed interacting with people on a regular basis. I began withdrawing from everything and everyone, a little at a time. I always went along with my husbands ideas and plans. I never gave him an ultimatum to give up the things he enjoyed or else. I didn't feel it was right to do that, even though that is exactly what I did. Except that it wasn't just hobbies and activities I gave up...it was my family and friends. I gave up the only life I had ever known, gave up spending time with my family and friends, and any of the hobbies I had; to fit in this life. I was becoming bitter and resentful. I had the convoluted idea that marriage was a 50/50 relationship, and the partners worked together to make their lives their own. For years, I gave everything I had to give, including my own identity. I was a Mom first, so in my eyes, I did what I had to do for the best interest of my child. I stuck it out because I felt my child should not have to feel like ping pong ball between divorced parents...been there, done that!

There have been times that the resentful feeling I dealt with years ago, comes back to bite me. Even though my life, overall, is better now, there is a resentment that pops up. Now, I take full responsibility for allowing myself to become this shell of a person that I have become, but there are times I could easily blame everyone else! It's a constant tight rope walk to be honest, not accuse/blame someone else for making me feel like I don't matter, and to accept that I have allowed too much of what I deal with to go on, for too long. To be honest, my husband has never asked me to give up anything. He has, for the most part, supported me through everything. When we made the decision for me to be a stay-at-home-mom, I knew our finances would be tight. For years, and even today, we live on one income. Most times, we are barely able to make ends meet, and sometimes we have to borrow from Peter to pay Paul. It's been a constant struggle in our marriage, in regards to finances. For me, it's always been my responsibility to try to juggle the budget. Any conversations about money, budgets or finances in general have always led to arguments, and me feeling like a failure, when I can't make ends meet. For years, I quit doing things, so my husband could do the things he wanted to do. There was no way of making an $8 hourly wage pay for bills, and 2 hobbies. So, I quit. We finally got a jump to $10 hourly wage, moved to a new area, and we weren't doing too bad until I decided to try to work too. Even though I was working, when my pay checks didn't bounce, it wasn't covering the extra cost of both of us working. I was working to pay for working. It was stupid! Once our oldest was quite a bit older, I worked a few hours each week outside of home. It was just a few miles from home, so the extra expenses weren't much. If need be, I could take our child with me too. It worked for awhile. By that point in time though, I had already spent the better part of 7 years, isolated from people. After 6 months of working, and having to deal with people one-on-one, and an obnoxious manager, I gave that up too. Shortly after that, I found out about our youngest little person. Then, once again, the finances got tight, my time was divided between 2 very needy children, and feeling more lost by the day. The early months of our youngest child's life were spent with doctors, and tests, only to find a ton of allergies and almost losing her at 4 months to vaccine side effects. Then our oldest was dealing with being physically bullied at school, a school district that had their hands tied and couldn't do much, and eventually beginning the journey into home schooling. Then we had the fall out of the bulling, and his allergy testing coming back almost as bad as our youngest child's. Then we had to make even bigger changes. We had to do the best we could for our kids. Fortunately, my husband and I were finally on the same page, at that point. We were talking more and finding out that our own beliefs weren't as different as we once thought. We made a huge transition in our diets, began home school for the oldest, and once again, I was home full time with both kids. I went back to school after the health issues with our youngest to learn more about natural and holistic health. I studied everything I could study, learned every allergy trigger I could find, and learned how to care for my children's health issues through a holistic approach, since the conventional establishment could not find an effective treatment for people with the allergies my kids had. We have had a lot of grief over the way we have handled raising our kids(mostly me.). By not following the paradigm of what is considered normal, everyone has an opinion(and is happy to voice it) about what we are doing or doing wrong. It is my job as their mom, to do what I feel is best for their health, schooling, happiness and life. Until they are 18, they are put in my care, and since we all know kids do not come with an instruction manual, we all just do the best we can. Had the issues we face daily not come up, we would have probably lived a somewhat, "normal," life...by other peoples standards. BUT, I will always do what I think is best for the 2 precious children of mine! No matter what ANYONE else believes. We have had plenty of peanut gallery advice about what our kids should or should not be doing. Our kids are great kids. Even with attitude problems on occasion, they are growing up to be amazing people with hearts of gold! They are smart, funny, outgoing, independent, and free-thinkers. They are not followers.

Yes, my kids are my entire world. I could talk about them forever. However, in all these years of being a doting mom, I have let myself down. I have given every ounce of me to my kids, and to a much lesser degree to my husband. I rarely ever take time for me, to do things I love, pursue my passions or even try new things that interest me. Once the bills are paid, and groceries bought...any finances left go to my family's wants and needs. With 2 growing kids, the groceries add up, as do the clothing expenses of 2 kids growing like weeds all the time. Then what's left of that goes to my husband and son's hobbies...hunting. Whether it's deer, turkey, squirrel, or coyote; that eats up everything that may be left...and sometimes more. I love that my kids and husband have something they love to do, even if it's not my cup tea. I would never tell them they had to stop. However, somewhere we need to make some adjustments. I stay home basically all the time. Even though I love the peace and safety being at my home brings, I miss being around people once in a while. I will always look forward to being home, but I miss dancing, visiting, hiking, having long talks over coffee with my best friend, visiting with my family and being around my hometown. Trips home are usually short and spent running from one place to another. Usually they consist of some monumental reason for being there; either funerals, weddings, graduation party. Rarely do I get to spend more than 48 hours home, sight seeing, visiting with friends, or just relaxing. Typically we are there for a reason, and do what we need to with a few flying visits to other family members before coming back home. To make a trip back to my hometown area, is such a pain anymore. Having livestock and pets, makes leaving home, really difficult! We have to find someone to take care of not only our livestock chores, but our pets too. Not to mention the cost! We have spent time staying with both sets of my parents, and my brother; but we really need space of our own. So, a weekend trip back home consists of a hotel, fuel and trying to eat as close to our regular diets as possible. A 48 hour trip is usually a $500 expense. That's a lot of money in my budget. So, trips home are usually once a year, unless an emergency comes up.

Finding myself or rediscovering myself, which ever way you look at it, has been a long journey. Until 3 years ago or so, I could bury stirrings in my soul to return to the real me. If I didn't talk about them, I could ignore them. It was when I began to talk about them, that started the spark, that has once again lit a fire in my belly. Now, I don't want to put that fire out anymore! I don't want to hide my true self anymore. I don't want to deal with stupidity, ignorance or back stabbers anymore. I don't care that I don't fit into the tiny, nicely packaged form that everyone else feels they need to fit into. My package is thrown together, with dips and dives, parts sticking out in every direction and wrapped half-assed in the wildest most expressive colors you could ever imagine. When I allow myself to shine, I love who I am. I love that free spirit has not been lost...just covered for several years. I love that my gypsy soul is still so eager to learn new things, experience new things, and is aching to explore. I love that I, in no way, fit into any kind of mold! I am who I am, who I am!!!! I will never be a southern belle, I will never be prim and proper, and I sure as hell will never blindly follow the masses! I am intelligent, curious, cryptically funny(dry humor!), loyal to those loyal to me, a good mom, try to be a good wife, and above all; I am worth a lot to me! I have had to tame my wild personality for many years, and it has taken it's toll. I can not keep holding back anymore though. There will be plenty that tell me I am too old, it's not appropriate, or whatever; guess what...until you are sleeping with me, paying my bills, or raising my kids...all I can say is, BUTT OUT! I am not your typical timid woman that believes in the 1950's way of life. I have a brain, I have an education, and I have a lot of opinions!

I am pushing forward for me. I refuse to stay on the path I have been on. I do not want my son to believe treating a woman as inferior is ever acceptable or my daughter to believe she is ever less capable than any man. It's time to get back to leading by example! Men and women alike, need to be respectful to each other. I am adventuring into some of my newly found passions, and returning to some old ones as well. I have spent a couple of years now, learning and loving taking pictures. I love to capture natures beauty through pictures. I'm not good by any means, but I love it just the same. It's peaceful to me, to be able to mess around with colors and settings. Trying to catch the beauty of nature. Just being in nature is peaceful to me. I love to write. I enjoy my blogs, and love the continued rise of page reads. However, I want to get back to writing more about our homesteading life, our home school adventures, my cooking/baking adventures, and even my coffee chats. I am still struggling to get through my latest schooling adventure. I have hit a snag of not enough quiet time, not being able to concentrate and losing my determination. I will complete it, but it's frustrating. I returned to making furniture the last year. I don't think there is anything more rewarding than to use your hands to build something that can be passed down through the generations. It's rewarding, it's exciting, and it's a remarkable feeling knowing you have created something so beautiful. I love the planning, drawing, designing, and building. I love creating something from the basic draft of my pathetic drawing skills! I love to read! Every book have read, transports me into a whole new world. Some have been majestic, some mysterious, and some romantic. Reading opens the door to living multiple lives while staying in one location. I have loved to cook and bake for years. I love trying new recipes, altering old recipes, and inventing new dishes out of whatever I can find. I love to bake to Christmas! Cookies, pies, cakes, fudge, and candies. I try to make goodies to give to our neighbors every year at Christmas time, and we have had a couple of Christmas open houses, where the kids and I cook/bake and we have counters full of our favorite Christmas treats. It's my favorite time of year, and I love to share the spirit when I can.

I have always loved Christmas. However, the past few years, Christmas has become kind of a dreaded time. I hate the materialistic side of it that has emerged. The cost of gift giving, the continuous commercials aimed at kids, the battle of dividing time for extended families...it's all become a chore. Having kids at home, it's not fair to them to ask them to open their gifts, then clean up so they have to leave to get more gifts(none of which they need - they already have too much!), and by the time the day is over; everyone is tired, are majorly on a sensory overload, and so tired they begin misbehaving. Then by the time you are back home, they want to play with their new stuff at home, and it becomes a late night and throws off their schedules and routines. Everyone becomes crabby and over tired. It's chaos. That is not what a holiday should be, to me. Gift giving is ridiculous! There is no reason to give to everyone in the family...that is asking too much of everyone! I would rather no one give gifts, and just spend time together. Will that ever happen? Probably not! I have not spent Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family in 8 years. We usually end up doing Christmas with them sometime from January to March. I miss it, even though it's chaos too. To me, holidays are about family. It's spending time as a family, enjoying good food and togetherness. Not running off to shop, running off to some sort of other activity. For years now, Thanksgiving weekend, has been a weekend we bake, put up our Christmas tree, and start decorating for Christmas. I had loved this tradition with our kids. As the years have past, and the past few years of my own disinterest in it all, the tradition is becoming non-existent. I guess many traditions have changed, and in turn, my own interest in holiday's has become less.

I'm trying to understand me, and all the different aspects of who I am and what I want. It's hard for me to accept myself as anything less than the expectations I have for myself. Yes, my standards and expectations are high. They are high for myself, and for those I let into my life. I can't stand people that lie, that give and take back, people that stab me or anyone else in the back and most of all, I can't stand to be around people that are conniving, or think it's cute to act stupid. To me, these types of people either have a low self-esteem or aren't smart enough to recognize the value they could add to their life or the life someone around them. The whole air-headed behavior just gets under my skin, instantly! It takes someone pretty special to be able to handle being around me. I know this. I have also figured out, there aren't many that can qualify. I don't force my beliefs on anyone, but I won't tolerate others beliefs forced on me either!

I know I am a handful, at best. Stubborn, hardheaded, strong-willed, opinionated, independent, free-thinking; just to name a few of my "hard to handle" personality traits. However, if you treat me with respect, are loyal to me, and don't lie to me; I can be a great ally. Throughout my life, I have given a lot of second chances. Many of those were mistakes. The older I get, the less I am giving. You can only give so many chances, before you are being taken for granted. I won't be taken for granted or disrespected anymore. That is just one aspect that has opened the door to being treated like a door mat. I can only allow people in my life, from this point on, that will be respectful, loyal, honest, and accepting of who I am. I have allowed my standards to drop for years, and it's led to a lot of disappointment. Now, all I can say is, Step up to meet my standards or stay away. It's hard enough to stay true to myself in a world full of conformists, without dealing with those that are nice to my face, while sticking a knife in my back.

I have learned so much about myself over the last several years. While there are areas that I didn't have much control over, there was no reason for me to allow myself to pulled down to that level. There are plenty of areas that would be so easy for me to blame others for some of the emotional turmoil I have experienced, but without my response to their pathetic behavior, they wouldn't have had any control over mine. I won't blame anyone for issues that have come up for years, but I am taking back control of my life. If something doesn't feel right to me, it won't be happening. If someone treats me poorly, I will not be around them anymore. Anyone that disrespects me will be cut out of my life. I'm not saying everyone must agree with me, my life or my decisions; but belittling, snide remarks, or outright stupidity won't be tolerated. I am well aware of mistakes I have made, that some of my decisions are not "normal", and that my opinions are well outside the realm of modern. I've come to the conclusion that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one! That being the case, I won't rip your opinions apart, and I expect the same respect!

I'm learning more about me everyday! This is just the beginning. I like the direction I am heading, finally. I am beginning to like myself again, without discounting my flaws, mistakes and unpopular opinions. I like who I am, and who I am becoming.

Just the beginning!
Salli