Coffee Chat

Facing a hard truth...

Reality is sometimes like being knocked in the head with 4 x 4 post, repeatedly! No matter how many times the blatantly obvious is presented, it still knocks you backward. You still stumble with the reality of certain situations, and struggle to understand or accept them. There are times you question what you did in your life to deserve the circumstances, or you do everything you can, and you are given a shitstorm in return.


I've always heard that those who care the most, are the ones that are hurt the most. This is unfortunately, true. When you attempt to do something out care, love, trust and respect; it is twisted into something of such utter contempt. Being kind, accommodating, and respectful is becoming so rare, and I understand why. You reach a point of wondering why you try. Why bother doing something kind when it's going to come back to bite you, haunt you, or be disrespectful to you. Why bother trying to be the bigger person when the rumor mill is going to make up the story as they go anyway, the gossips are going to blow any truth out of the water, and those that don't know the meaning of Respect; well, there is absolutely nothing you can do there.


Those who give the benefit of doubt, regularly, are the ones that tend to be hurt regularly too. Those who always try to look for the best in people, are the ones taken for granted. Those who make excuses for the behavior of others, fall into this as well. It's all of these types of people, that tend to be taken for granted, used, and manipulated to benefit others expectations and will eventually find themselves lost. They find the very people that they have: given the benefit of doubt, always trying to find the best in others, accepting the excuses of others for their poor behavior, and allowing their own worth to be degraded; are the ones that end up being resented, and a contempt is held against them.

In my own world, I have been that person most of my life. Always trying to find the good in people, always giving the benefit of doubt to those that my instincts tell me to avoid, allowing excuses to make up for bad behavior and manipulation. I have watched through the years, my own self-worth disintegrate into a feeling of never being good enough. I have accepted excuses for bad behavior and not spoken up for my own rights, beliefs, opinions, and wants. I have allowed manipulation to enter my life and the life of my children. I have felt guilty for thinking for myself and not following what is considered normal or acceptable.

You know, the sad part of all of that? Anyone who truly respected or cared for me, or my children for that matter, would not have been so manipulative. They may not agree with the choices I have made, but they would not negate them or underhandedly tried to manipulate the kids or I. They would be respectful enough to know I am doing what I feel is right, and best for those that are my responsibility.

As many know from my regularly blogs, I am more of a free spirit. I have my own beliefs, I have researched and study everything I can to help health issues we deal with, I was not raised the way my life has gone, but I have adjusted to it. I believe that even though I have lived here for 18 years, there are plenty of things about me that will never change. I do not deal well with people that lie, cheat, steal or gossip. I will distance myself from ANYONE that makes me feel belittled, taken for granted or degraded. I will never be financially rich, and I don't want to be. I prefer simple, and debt free over money and indebtedness. I prefer to be home without stress above being out and about listening to everyone complain about something. I love to dance, laugh, spend every bit of time I can with my kids, I love spontaneous adventures, and nature. I love to learn new things, explore and expand what I already know. I will question everything, all-the-time! I will take nothing and no one at the their word; I have high standards that I have let slip, and that is making a major left turn and changing, right now! I expect nothing more than I am willing to give, but there have been plenty that I have accepted into my life that do not measure up. I am wiping my hands of those who don't measure up. I don't trust easily, and there are very few that I actually do trust. There are many people that interfered, caused me stress, lied to me, manipulated me, and have taken for granted what I have to give. I will never be perfect, but when it comes to me as a person; what you see is what you get.

I can be "Betty Crocker," apron donned, and cook/bake up a storm. I can sport a camera and find some of the most breathtaking photos. I am above all a Mom, usually tired, not worried about schedules and what others think - yet exhausted from continuous criticism. I am a life-long learner, a former dancer and dance instructor. I have been to some of the most magnificent places, and lived a few different life styles. I have been on top and bottom of the world, both mentally and financially. I have had the world in my hands, and now sport plenty of blisters and callouses from a 17 year struggle in the world I now live. I have seen rock bottom, and eaten with a silver spoon. Above all, I have found the things I like, and the ones I don't. I have allowed many years of manipulation to mold me into the shell of a person I have spent many years now, being. I have put my children's happiness and what I have felt best for them, above my own and what is best for me.

For someone like me, it's difficult to swallow when you don't really fit anywhere. The town I was born and raised in is now more of a city, the town I graduated high school from is easily double the size it was, and the area I live in; well, I am still different than the rest. I'm ok with this. It is however, difficult when you know you will never fit the mold. I'm too free spirited, too independent, too set in my ways, and I am not willing to keep changing who I really am to keep the peace.



In the news....



What a crazy time in America. After remember all our fallen citizens, and the heroes of 9/11; people are still acting liking a bunch of spoiled children. You can't carry on a conversation for fear of offending someone. Even our heritage is being attacked. Our Constitutional rights are constantly being affronted by people trying to use fear as manipulation. We are being told we are victims, when the truth is just the opposite. We have so many with an entitlement attitude, and not taking responsibility for their own issues. Our elected officials are being bought and paid for like a sponsorship for a major sporting event. They are not working for the American people anymore, they are working for whatever entity is willing to pay the most money. Yet, we are a country running in the red for many years now. We pay higher taxes, higher groceries, higher utilities and have a lower standard of living. Our children are expecting name brand clothing, brand new vehicles, and everything to be handed to them. You are Constitutionally given the right to free speech, but God forbid you have a differing opinion from someone else. We are now forced to purchase third party services; via vehicle insurance and health insurance. Our healthcare system is now run by corrupt, lying politicians; that can spy on our citizens as they so choose, without reasonable cause. We have a war on drugs, war on terror; and all either of them has accomplished is more of what they claim to be trying to eliminate. We have a weed/herb that is now medically "approved" in some states, but still illegal in others... when it truth the oil would CURE most dis-eases. We have a bunch of hypocrites bickering over what is morally acceptable when it comes to whom can love whom, or marry; yet the divorce rate is inching towards the 75% mark in what IS morally acceptable - marriage between a man and woman. You have a bigger racial divide than ever because of a few big mouthed, high paid, too stupid to hold a real job people. It's acceptable to them to spur a bigger racial divide rather than be leaders and teach others how to break the cycle. Our teachers have their hands tied to keep reign on their classrooms because of ridiculous red tape, and an interference from the bought and paid for politicians. Our children are not being taught respect of life, limb, property and self. They are being taught they are victims, they aren't allowed to stand up for themselves, and are not even learning more than how to take a test. A test that is placing all children in the same category, instead of being able to teach the children how they best will learn. Every child is different, with a different way of learning. That's like telling a fish it's stupid because it can't climb a tree.

We have people killing people in the name of protests, in the name of equality. We have people committing crimes for the same reason. We have so much political division, yet they are all the same. Everyone is quick to complain about stuff, yet unwilling to change anything. We have a whole lot of ignorance, and not enough wisdom. Rather that looking to our elders for the wisdom and guidance, they are placed in homes where they are treated poorly and the cost is pathetic. Too many of our elders are discounted as crazy or out of touch, yet history is repeating itself because too many younger generations have lost intelligence. Our kids are zoned out with technology, over scheduled, and pushed to grow up way too quickly. They are not being taught how to live their lives with purpose. They are being pushed into working for someone, instead of being innovators.

I gave up watching the news, on a regular basis, 14 years ago. Since then, when it does come(before I can turn it off), It's all negative. They focus on every horrible thing possible. I am not naive, and I know there is a lot of bad stuff out there. However, I am tired of hearing about a racial crime, when it's black or white and the crime was committed with a gun. Then all of a sudden a bunch of ill-informed educated idiots would like us to believe that taking guns away from law-abiding citizens will stop the gun violence. Seriously?! All the laws do, is make it easier for those that already do not follow the laws to create more victims. If every household had a gun, I can guarantee the crime rates would decrease. IF people were truly educated about the value of life, ALL LIVES, the gun crimes would decrease. Instead of saying that guns are the reason, how about we look to the real crime and criminals. Guns are inanimate objects, they can not do anything without someone at the trigger. Those who are committing gun crimes, are criminals, period! They will not ever follow the laws, no matter how many there are. As I have read in many places; blaming guns for shootings is like blaming pencils for mistakes, cars for drunk drivers, and spoons for people being fat. It's time our country returns to PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY! Those committing a crime with an inanimate object are the culprits, PERIOD!



In my world...


It's been a few weeks since my last coffee chat. It's been kind of a chaotic time for me. This is always a busy time of year, but being in a different frame of mind has changed my perspective on many things. While I have overall found a more positive state of mind, I have also found my determination, stubbornness, and strong will. I have also found that my tolerance of those that no longer measure up to my standards, is very minimal. I am tired of being spoke to like I am stupid, or unintelligent. I am tired of being pushed away for having a mind of my own, and I'm tired of listening to the back ground noise of being belittled or gossiped about. I can take a lot of weight on my shoulders, but once I have had enough, I'm done. I am there, I am done. I refuse to minimize myself anymore, to make others more comfortable. I am who I am and refuse to keep apologizing for it. I am not sorry for who I am. Yep, I lost sight of the person I am under all the pretending, but guess what.... The universe has reminded me and I am done pretending.

You can only put on a brave front, smile through the tears, and bite your tongue for so long; before the weight tears you down. I hit bottom 4 years ago, and have slowly been rebuilding since. Now, I am as strong as I was years ago, just a little wiser in the process. I have struggled through fake friends, who were never there when I needed them, but were more than happy to use me when it was convenient. I have struggled with being away from my own family for so many years. What began as regular trips back home have diminished to annual trips. Now, I have a life that doesn't allow for much time away, so the few times a year that I do see my family, is whenever they can come here. I am so different than my family, and my husbands family, too. I think for myself, which tends to piss a lot of people off. I believe the way I do things is the best for myself and my kids, and since it goes against the grain, it tends to stir trouble. I am happy with how I live and how my kids are turning out, and the only other opinion that matters is my husband. Everything else is just white noise, from here on out. I have let the opinion of others interfere in my life, and with my own happiness; that is over too.

Those that want to question my life, my way of raising my kids, or my choices; can just stay away. I doesn't have the patience to keep playing games, or being undermined by others thoughts of how I should raise my kids or live my life. I do what I do for a reason, and unless I feel you need to know...you don't need to know. I have spent too many years pretending to be happy, pretending to be something I am not, and pasting a smile to keep the peace. I have let some of my real friends down, by not being there for them. I have hidden friendships for fear of gossip. No more! My friends are my friends. I will talk to, visit with and be there for those I consider friends...male or female! I have spent 16 years married, never done anything I shouldn't have, and I don't intend to start now! If my marriage is so unstable I have to venture outside of it, then there isn't any reason to keep it going. If it ever reaches that point, there will be a lot of conversation between the two people that need to know anything, not people that don't have a clue. Sometimes, what goes on behind closed doors is between the people that live there.

I hate game playing. I don't want to be forced into a game, but if I am forced into a game...I will win! I am highly competitive, and I don't like to lose. I am not afraid of walking away from people or cutting them out of my life either. I don't trust most, and there is a reason for that. I have been betrayed, lied to and gossiped about; and all I can say is that those who love gossip must have a pretty boring life! If you are talking about me, just make it good. Don't waste anymore precious oxygen talking behind my back, just get a back bone and accept that I will cut you out of my life quicker that shit!

I am taking back control of my life, and anyone who disagrees with it can just stay away. It's my life, and it's my responsibility to do what I think is best. I am taking control, responsibility and getting the life I expect back on track. It's long past time!



This little piece of Earth...



Living a different kind of life from what I grew up has proven to be very difficult and sometimes has caused many issues. I did not grow up on a farm, or even in the country. I grew up with town not more than a couple of miles away. I grew up with conveniences that some have not. Now, I have learned to plan meals for a month, grocery shop for a month at a time, and to stay home in an effort to pay off debts. I have learned how to budget, plan, and juggle finances. I have learned to garden, preserve food, and make something out of nothing. I am learning to deal with being alone in my thoughts, and establishing friendships with people like-minded. I am thrilled to have what I think of as a little co-op of women, who are like me, and teaching me so much; including how to trust again. I would love to plan a huge gathering for my family and friends, and to see many of them here, but being 300 miles away makes that difficult. I have a big decision to make in regards to an upcoming trip. It would be a great opportunity to see some old friends, spend some time back home with my family, and show my kids some fun. At the same time, it's time, money, and a bit of trip to make since I will have to make it with just the kids. I know I can do it, and the trip has been planned all year, but it's causing some apprehension on how to handle it.

Life has a way of throwing you curve balls. It's not so much in how you swing, it's the effort of actually trying. I do hope to get to see so many, if I can make the trip up! I want to make it, and walk the 5k with my sister, but the way my body has betrayed me the last few weeks has me questioning my ability.

Back to our little piece of earth, it's harvest time. That means the crops come out, the days are getting shorter, the garden is quickly going to sleep for the winter, and the last of the outdoor projects are being rushed to getting finished. I am gearing up for some destruction, construction, and furniture building. I am anxious to see some projects come together and finally get done with the remodeling that started 2 years ago. The planning continues for our annual open house, and the next birthday party. I don't believe in waiting until the last minute to throw a gathering on people. So, the next holiday is Thanksgiving, and we plan to have a meal at our home. Then Christmas is right on its heels.

I am always moving and getting things done; even when it feels as though I am doing nothing. I don't sit for long, and my mind is in constant motion.



Until next time...
I am going to finish this blog and call it a day. Wishing you all a great Fall, and we'll catch up again in a few weeks!

Salli