I'm not angry anymore.

For years I have gotten angry over things that have gone against my plans, thoughts, and ideals. I have held on to that anger and let it changed my typical demeanor of trying to find a positive learning experience from all things in my life, into one of constant anger. I have let the ignorance and stupidity of others affect my own persona.

The past 4 years have been a time of growing for me. For whatever reason, my own growth - spiritual, mind, body and soul; has taken a pretty wild ride. I have shared so much through my blogs, but there is an entire of world of stuff, that I have not. Some of it has been too personal, and some of it is just not shared to spare any more uprising with some I have to be around on a regular basis. These years of growing in leaps and bounds, is still continuing, but on more of an even ground now.

The anger, disappointment, judgments, and outside influence; has waned. It has become just white noise, back ground noise. The lessons I have learned, however, are forefront in my brain though. Instead of anger, I am now turning to the acceptance of other emotions. So many times, the anger I felt toward a situation or person, was more of disappointment, or disbelief. So many years of letting others use me as a door mat, or verbal beating post; shut me down. It left me feeling like I was never good enough, never accepted, was always making a wrong choice, or being the brunt of judgment. As the past 4 years have shown me, not only did I begin to shut down, withdraw, and close off my heart and life to everyone; it has also shown me that many of those I have associated with are the ones not worthy of my time. It's through my own growth, that I have realized that when someone has to make someone else feel so poorly; it's the one behaving so poorly that has the problem. The trouble with those that behave so badly, are typically the ones who have a low self-esteem, or who are so miserable they feel it necessary to make others miserable with them. This goes completely against the type of person, I had been most of my life. However, after years of hearing such rubbish, you begin to believe it. You begin to question your worth, your value, and your choices. You end up falling into their trench with them. Your own aura, and mind set, throws you into the same wave length as those who are miserable. Then the snowball effect takes over. They are miserable, negative, and have no self-esteem; therefore you begin to lose yours. You begin attracting those types of people instead of the true types of people you are meant to attract. Your entire person has been led off track by the people commonly referred to as "energy vampires." These are the people that within minutes of being around drain your energy. They have to constantly gossip, bring in some sort of negativity, or do something to negate your efforts. It's these energy vampires, if you are around them long enough, suck the life, spirit and visions you have from yourself.

After so many years of energy vampires, I was in a bad spot in my own life. I have always been a strong-willed, hard-headed and determined person. I was always the type of person that lived by the theory, "tell me I can't do something, and I will do it, just to prove you wrong!" Although I can not pinpoint the exact time frame that my own personality began to change, I can tell you exactly when it came to a head and I was bowled over. The exact moment when it felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck, and then it backed up and did it again. That moment was October 11, 2012. I honestly believe that there were signs leading to that moment, but the night was the beginning of this horrifically challenging few years. It was that night, I began to get a very clear picture of what I had allowed myself to become. It was that night, that I realized the type of people I had allowed into my life, and had begun to be like. I had began to blame everyone else for the horrible mess my brain was in, it was that night, that I realized how far off course my life had become. So for that, I suppose I should thank the person that opened my eyes. Since then, my journey to rediscover myself has been endless.

Just since I began writing this post, it has become so clear on so many aspects of my life. That night was the Universe's wake up call for me, only I didn't realize it then. It was that night that began this remarkable journey. I honestly do not blame anyone for as far off course as my life had gotten, it was my own fault for allowing it to happen. I chose to let others dictate my life for me, instead of living it in a manner that was my own. Instead of standing up for my beliefs, values and desires; I bowed down to allow for less arguing, fighting, and have some sort of peace in a life that I didn't fit in. In all honesty, a moment of time, many years ago now, should have taught me something. That moment of time should have opened my eyes, but I tried to look past it. That was my mistake, and not one I will ever make again. Although there have moments that should have been caught instantly, they weren't. I believe, 4 years ago, I was beginning to open my eyes and see the forest through the trees. But it was 3 years ago, that a harsh lesson caused my world to crumble at my feet. These few years have been torturous, and downright hell, for me. To have your world tossed onto its head, tends to send you stumbling. Unfortunately, that stumbling and shift of energy has affected my marriage. He has been truly an amazing sounding board, has supported me through every realization, and even tries to understand when the thoughts are moving at lightening speed and I can't slow them down. He has become one the best friends I could ask for. Even with all of this, there is an undercurrent that we must deal with. There is something that is just off. We will work on this together, and find a solution. One thing I can say about the 2 of us, is that we work great as a team.

So many of the areas that have caused my life to shift on its axis, has been by my own doing. I have allowed the energy vampires to step in and alter the course of the life I live. I have allowed other opinions, thoughts, and words to shake me to my core. These past few years though, all these things have ultimately caused me to shut down. By shutting down, I mean that I have continually added layers to the wall I have always kept around me. Shutting down has caused me not to be angry anymore, but to move towards really not caring either. It hit this morning, by moving into the spot I am in, has directly changed my attitude once again. By not getting angry, the emotion has left, the desire to continue on some paths has also left. The only sure path I have in this exact moment, is that I will do whatever is necessary to protect my children. Living in a fight or flight pattern for the better part of 15 years, is exhausting. Dealing with the fallout every time something happens with my children, is exhausting, and constantly playing referee behind the scenes, is ridiculous!

Even though I am no longer angry, I am done. I am done dealing with those people and situations that drain my energy. I am done dealing things that try to cage my spirit. I am done feeling trapped, not valued, and not worthy of respect. I AM DONE! From this moment on, anyone that chooses to be around myself or my kids; will respect our choices, respect our life and unless asked...we don't want your opinions either!

I have accepted so much less in life that I want or deserve. I am no longer willing do so. I have a spirit that is bigger than anything I could ever describe. Allowing my wings to be broken, has also allowed my spirit to be grounded. My creativity has all but evaporated, my own dreams and goals are constantly crushed, and the backbone I once had, has been weakened. However, it has not disintegrated! The past few years has slowly brought life back to my spirit, creativity and my backbone. It has forced me to reevaluate my life, all parts of it. I have goals, dreams, and adventures that I will be pursuing. I have let them slide, but I won't be allowing that anymore. "Those that see your dreams as too big, have let go of their own."

There are still plenty of areas that I will be working on, but I have come a long way already. So many areas I have only brushed over, are still begging for realization. Many areas that are just coming back the surface and some I'm just now realizing; will be interesting endeavors.

For now though, I can honestly say, I'm not angry anymore. Weary, untrusting, and walled off - Yes. However, I'm not angry. I will no longer lower my standards or settle for less than I deserve, I will no longer "dumb down" my conversations-step up or step out!, I don't need those who choose to gossip since they are so happy to talk about everyone...they will be more than happy to talk about me too! What happens in my home, stays in my home. Anyone that does not live here, does not know enough about any situation here to have an opinion. What goes on behind closed doors, unless you are stalking, is not known or understood. Anyone that is disrespecting of the choices we make for our life, kids, or anything else; will be eliminated from our lives, period! I have no problem packing my kids and I up, and walking away from any situation I deem unhealthy for them or myself!

I'm not angry anymore, I'm done. I'm done biting my tongue, trying to keep peace, and appeasing everyone else. It's beyond time to be happy in life. Happiness is within ourselves, however, too many energy vampires cause us to loose sight of it. I have placed myself at the hands of others to find happiness, value, respect and worth. This was completely and utterly, ludicrous! There is no one on Earth, worthy of so much power over another! I'm taking the power back, right now, this minute!


Wearing a garlic necklace!
Salli