My Spirit

"My spirit is so much larger than what you see. My thoughts so much deeper than you could ever conjure. My faith unwavering, even in my darkest hours. The shell that you see, is nothing more than a facade." S.A. Bowen



Finding others who can resonate on the same level is difficult when your vibrational energies are so high. Looking beyond religion to true faith, without questions, is something unusual. How many times have you known even the most trivial answer, and just known, without knowing how you know? How many times can you say without any doubt, I know this to be true?

A spiritual person knows on an energetic level that there is something higher and more powerful than all of us! We don't need any labels on this higher power, we just know there a more powerful force to be reckoned with. We live our lives respecting, loving, and being decent people.

As my love of science, nature, history and heritage coalesced; my journey on enlightenment, spirit, and self expanded beyond my wildest dreams. Maybe not everyone experiences this expansion of self, or they choose to ignore it. Through the years, I have always tried to listen to my body, thoughts and instincts. This makes me seem odd to many people, but it has given me the opportunity to grow.

Seeing some disturbing patterns in adults while I was young, being too stubborn to just take anything at face value, and not accepting that horrible concept of "this is all there is," has driven me to be objective. I rarely trust anyone, and once that trust is broken, it is never repaired. I will be kind, until that kindness is abused. I will hold my tongue, until I can not hold it any longer. I prefer peace, but when the first shot is fired beyond what I am willing to tolerate, that peace will be broken.

Facing cancer at 26 with a 1 year old baby; changed me. It began my personal reflection of the path I was on. I began changing everything in my life; from diets, to thoughts, and began to separate the emotions/feelings I was experiencing. For a few years, I was able to compartmentalize all of them; happiness, sadness, loneliness, need, want, etc. I took care of me and of course, my baby. A rocky marriage, and other difficulties caused me to quit focusing on me and my needs/wants and turned them solely to my child. I began the habit of making too many withdrawls from myself and not enough deposits. I let myself fall apart. Everything from my health to my emotional well being was constantly pushed aside. Around the time I had found it again, and began to get stronger once again, had quit smoking, was returning to a mostly vegetarian life style; I was surprised with the news of our youngest. Once again, my life was turned on its head, and changes were made again. Although I didn't have the concerns of miscarriage because I was almost 5 months pregnant when I found out, I knew it would be an adjustment being 8 years older than when I had our first. I knew I had to have as natural of pregnancy as possible, for my own health, plus I was not willing to change back to many of the things I had eliminated from my life. Although my labor/delivery was really short(about an hour total), it was the most difficult pain I have ever experienced. After my cancer surgery, I was told I could not have any more children. The scar tissue from the surgery, was the culprit for the most horrific pain I have ever had. When our youngest child was 4 months old, she was given 4 vaccines. The base for most vaccines is comprised of typically 2 different things. I do not understand all the compounds of these, so I won't try to explain. However, 24 hours after those vaccines, she came down with a high fever, not keeping food down, and having breathing issues. After 2 trips to the hospital, 2 to the doctor and almost losing our 4 month old daughter, it was determined she was allergic to the 2 base components of all vaccines. Then my life took another hard left.

After finding her allergy issues, I decided to have my oldest (8 at the time), allergy tested. Needless to say, having two children who appear healthy, active and normal; will not ever be the case. Both my children have extreme allergies, that requires me to be very vigilant to keep them healthy, active and "normal." I had to alter our diets to fit their allergies, to fit their sensitivities and to attempt to keep them functional when our regular diets aren't available. Some foods, detergents, soaps, and even clothing has to be trial and error, but we make it work. It is during this time frame, that my oldest was being bullied at school - not just words but injuries also; that I not only took on a certification of Natural Health to help my kids, but also began the journey into home education. While I still get a lot of grief over both of those; I know I am doing the best I can for these 2 amazing young people that have been placed in my life and my care. Having extreme allergies myself, I know the issues and frustration it causes. With our diet changes and our natural health, I have not had to take allergy shots or medicine in over 6 years, and for the most part, neither have my kids! During all of these little road bumps, I have found every move I have made, scrutinized, belittled, and have been affronted more than not. After years of bumps, blocks, and constantly defending the choices I have had to make; I lost so much of myself, and began doubting everything I knew. I began to put up walls around myself and my children to protect them from the ignorant and hurtful discussions they would overhear. I began withdrawing from everyone who questioned or openly discredited what I had to do for them or myself. After several years, I began to get tired of the constant battles. I let my guard down and subconsciously heard all the doubters and everyone who disagreed with how I thought best to handle our situations.

I have always stood by my beliefs, and can typically recite creditable evidence to support how I do things. I reached rock bottom almost 4 years ago. I was tired of the constant battle, the constant belittling, being manipulated and ridiculed. About 4 years ago, I had someone I considered a friend, use me as nothing more than an alibi. Although this is something to be angry about; this was just the straw that broke the camels back. This was the end of tolerance for everything. All these years of lies, snarky jabs about me or my life, underhandedness, guilt trips, manipulation, and never feeling like I had a place that I belonged; came to a head. It broke me, knocked me down, and once again caused my world to turn on its head. I had become a shell of a person. I was no longer someone I wanted my kids to look up to, I was no longer someone I would ever care to be associated with. I had become the epitome of everything I disliked most. I have always followed my own path, and thinking outside the box comes naturally. I haven't ever really fit into a single lifestyle I have ever lived. Although, I am closer now than I ever have been, something is still off. I have spent the past 3 years rediscovering myself. It's been difficult at best. Nearly 4 years ago, one of the few people who knew me, never judged me and held ever ounce of my trust and respect; passed away. While the reports claim he took his own life, I will never believe it. That is something I will probably never know the whole story to, but he remains in my heart today and forever. His passing, took me by surprise, and to this day I have a hard time accepting. He was the first person to welcome me to a new school, 24 years ago. He would go out of his way to bump into me in the halls(literally), if I was in a mood or upset about anything; he would pat me on the head and say,"come Sal, tell Bobo what the matter is." He always told me he'd be my superman whenever I needed him, and until his passing, he was! He never left or ended a phone call without saying, "I love ya, Sal!" and being so short, I was always his arm rest. You know, after nearly 4 years, remembering all this still has me in tears, but I need to in order to finally heal this part of my life. It's funny to remember the first day I met him. He asked my name in art class. When I told him my name was Salli, he said nah, that doesn't fit. I think I can count on one hand how many times he actually called me by my name. It was always Sal or something that I don't care to share. While I have so many great memories of him, I can not find a single picture of all the things we did together.

There are very few people whom I can say ever touched my life like my friend Bob did. He was there in all the moments of life; good, bad, sad and happy. He never doubted what I set out to do, never pushed me to do anything, supported me when I needed it and was more than happy to tell me when I was being ridiculous. To me, Bob was one of the few genuine "super heroes" left in the world. I love ya, Bobby! I think I am finally able to come visit you in just a couple of weeks.

Feeling broken and empty, is a tough place to be. I have put distance between myself and everyone else. I have stayed to myself, kept most of my thoughts to myself, and bit my tongue more often than not. I have been steam rolled by people outside my home, I have accepted a lack of respect from family, I have cried tears of hurt, loss, disappointment, and pain - alone. It's only when I become so overwhelmed that I can not handle anymore, that I can actually cry in front of anyone. I have felt hopeless, trapped, and helpless. I have felt lost in a world I do not belong; yet wondered if there is one I truly belong in. I have stumbled, made mistakes, and yet, I keep going. In the nearly 4 years of reaching the lowest point of my life, I can finally see daylight. I can finally look in the mirror without seeing that lost look in my own eyes. I can finally accept each and every flaw I have; and be grateful for the strength that it took to get where I am. I can also, finally, see things with greater clarity. I can see where I have been, and I can see where I want to go. I just need to work my way through the old habits of trying to keep the peace.

The past 4 years have been an honest to goodness, soul searching journey. It's made me face some difficult times in my life, and difficult decisions I have yet to make. It's made me take a good, long look at myself. It's also opened a closed eye to issues I have thought I could bury. I am dealing with each issue, and each area, as I can. There are some that are taking a little more effort to move toward healing.

I can promise you, this shell of a person that I had become, is filling back up. My spirit is restless to soar, and I refuse to anchor it anymore.

Sal