"I've always heard when you are feeling overwhelmed, and scattered by life; just remove yourself for a little while."
Who would have guessed that the universe would put me in a position that forced me to remove myself from my own overwhelming situation?! Even though the circle of life played in a lot, a fear of traveling alone with my 6 yr old, and of course, the ever present financial short fall; were all to be considered too. Who would have have guessed that a 5-10% chance that my grandfather had had of making it through a surgery that he had twenty some years ago(and died on the table then), would be so stubborn to pull through it again. I am THRILLED that he did, but at the same time, I am saddened by his rapidly declining health. The list of health issues, his age, and a new diagnosis of Sundowner's Dementia has me prayer for him to not suffer with pain for long.
I have spent years trying to understand the changes I have been experiencing. From the desire to be true to myself, find a path that is right for me, missing my extended family & friends, a poor self-image, and realizing that I - in no shape or form, fit into a neat and tidy box of any kind! I have accepted that I am different than most, and I am perfectly ok with that. However, trying to stay true to myself, in a world of conformists, is difficult to do. Especially since everyone seems so judgmental, and everyone seems more than happy to tell everyone else how/the right way to live their lives. There seems to be this epidemic of people who have their noses out of joint, and in other peoples business.
Having accepted who I am, embracing it, and allowing myself to be true to me; has put me in a different mind set. Keeping an open eye to gratitude and a closed eye to constant criticism. I have learned that being myself, accepting my compassionate heart, my need for helping others, the love of making my house a home, my hobbies that allow me to build and make things, my spiritual path that does not fit any mold, and my ability to think beyond common knowledge; makes me a unique person. A person I am growing to like more everyday.
It's become this amazing soul searching time for me. Learning about myself has helped, but learning what makes my heart happy has been a rejuvenating feeling too. I had gotten away from so much of what had driven me to feel better, and a few steps back have reminded me why I felt better. It's a calming feeling to know that no matter what has happened in my life, I can still find pleasure in helping, being the best mom and wife I possibly can, taking pride in the wood crafts I create, allowing myself the room to continue growing spiritually without the constraints of organized religion, and giving myself the room to just dream again.
I recently took 8 days to do what felt right to me. I spent 8 days, being around my hometown and trying to help my mom with all the chaos in her life. I'm not sure if I actually helped, or made it harder for her...but I tried to help. I took my youngest with me, and it was a time for bonding for us too. I have taken time to meditate. Not to turn off thoughts, but to just let them flow as they would. I just stopped focusing on negative thoughts, and allowed all thoughts to flow. After each meditation, I found it so much easier to put thoughts negative thoughts to rest, and focus on the positive or productive thoughts. I have started back to my yoga. The slow, melodous movements help channel negative energy out, and helps with muscle building too. I have even reworked the chore charts in my home. No more of every chore being assigned to individual people, but more of "these are the chores that need done, if you see it needs done - do it." The chore charts now include: doing something you love everyday, learning something new everyday, and getting back to time for our family to enjoy each other. Supper time, is always together, sitting at our dining table and talking to each other. I do try to keep technology away from our supper table, but it's not always possible. I always talk about having a love/hate relationship with technology. I think that will be a continued burr under my saddle, but it has so many benefits that I can not eliminate it(as much as I would like to sometimes!).
I am on a much better path, because I have been real with myself. I am not a "cookie cutter," type of person. I will do the exact opposite of what most people do. I will do what I feel is right, even if it goes against everything everyone else believes. I am raising my kids the way I feel is best...even though it is not being done by the conformist type of standards. I will protect them from ANYTHING I feel is harmful to them, their character, and their spirits. I will support my husband even when we have differing opinions and don't like each other much. He is a good man, a great husband(even though I am hard to handle most of the time!), a great dad, and has always been an excellent provider. I will keep my pictures, letters, and memories of my life before him, I will occasionally talk about them, and I refuse to feel or be made to feel bad about doing so. I am accepting of all my flaws, and all my assets in equal measure. I am who I am, because of the paths I have traveled. I will not feel like less of a person, because I refuse to fit in some proverbial box that goes along with other people believe. I will respect other beliefs as long as my own beliefs are also respected. I won't ask anyone to conform to my beliefs, my way of thinking...and I expect the same respect in return.
It's such an amazing feeling of freedom when you are true to yourself. It's mesmerizing how much weight is lifted when you no longer need/search for acceptance from others. It's so refreshing to know, I am where I am meant to be in life, geography, mind, body and spirit. Sure, life tends to throw some curve balls, but there is no reason to walk away from those curve balls when you still have a fighting chance to hit a home run! I have always been a fighter. I have never given up when life got complicated, and I sure as hell have no intention of doing so now! I am a free spirit, with a gypsy soul. It's basically who I have always been. However, sometimes, you have to explore other paths to know just where you fit or need to be.
For me, I fought my country life for many years. Now, it's become part of my heart and soul. Having the ability to walk a short distance to my gardens, our livestock, and even a small stream; has allowed my soul to fly. It has just taken me a little while to understand and accept that this is how my soul remains a gypsy. I don't want or need the constant upheaval of being a nomad...I need to explore my paths right here. I no longer feel like I am stuck in a world that I don't belong in. I feel like I was placed here to be reminded of the importance of simplicity, and my ancient roots to Mother Earth. I get overwhelmed when I know in my heart that there is so much I can do, and want to do...but financial restraints, time restraints, and responsibilities must all be figured in. The fact is, with a little patience, a little planning, and regular conversations with my husband; allows us to do what we need and want to do...as we can. I need to learn the patience, and I know this has never been a strong suit for me!
Now, I am moving forward. I am accepting all my flaws and my uniqueness; without apology. I am who I am. Accept me or don't, that is your choice. You don't have to agree with me, but you must respect me. I am me, and I won't allow anyone to ever make me feel horrible, again, for being just who I am. I am calm, and comfortable in my unique personality. Welcome to my new view, and soon my new blogs!
Peace be with you,
Salli
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