Recent research and statistics have revealed that over half of all U.S. marriages end in divorce. This is an alarming stat. This means 1 out of ever 2 marriages will end in divorce. Finding multiple lists of causes for divorce in the United States, it's just as alarming. According to IDFA study of 191 divorces, 43% cited basic compatibility issues. These included, but were not limited to: emotional, physical, financial, and communication. 28% cited infidelity, i.e. adultery. 22% cited money issues. While the much lesser citations of physical/emotional abuse (.5%), parenting differences (.5%), addiction/alcoholism (.5%).
The common denominator, in my eyes, is communication in most of this study. We are all well aware of how important communication is, but do we know how to communicate? There is such a gap in communication styles, not only between men and women, but in general as well. Men are typically the "fixers." They hear a problem, and they want to fix it, right away. Many times, they hear their significant other voice a concern, and rather than actually listening to the entire conversation, they zero in on the problem. They do not hear their significant other through the entirety of the conversation. They zero in on the problem, and their brain goes to work figuring out a solution. This is typically an internal problem solving resolution. Women, on the other hand, want to talk, typically. Women, typically, want to discuss a problem, and work as a team to solve the problem. There are times, that women just need to talk, to work through their own issues, without worrying about a solution. It's the whole Venus vs. Mars, scenario, at it best.
Communication is a major factor in any relationship. Without it, relationships of all types, will fail. However, as cited above, the 3 main reasons: basic compatibility, infidelity, and money, are all major players in all relationships. There is one area that seems to be taboo, and no one wants to admit the very real issue of sexual relations. When all the causes listed above come into play, I can promise you the sexual side relationships takes a major hit as well. We are constantly ambushed by unrealistic models of how relationships should be. You have a plethora of "examples" on television at any given point in time. Between the Hollywood models with marriages lasting as little as hours, to grandparents that lasted 75 years.
With relationships being such a hot topic this year, it has caused me to reflect quite a bit. My own parents divorced when I was 11 years old. Now, they have both remarried; but again, I'm watching one set celebrate their 24th anniversary and the other set divorce after 27 years. I watched a few friends go through a divorce this year, with marriages from 10-21 years long. I can't help but wonder what is happening to cause these long-time marriages to end. My own marriage has been littered with issues, but I have always believed in hanging on until you can't hang on any longer. I am looking at the marriages that have ended this year, and wondering what the final straw was. Was it as simple as "a light bulb moment," of clarity? Or, was there issues that had built over the years, and they didn't get the communication they needed? Was the marriage based on something besides love, from the beginning? Did multiple causes just pile up until it was at the stage of no return? I know that none of these marriages are my business, and I would not personally name or even indicate that either person in the marriages I have seen end this year, were without fault! However, when people you are close to and care for, are visibly hurting, it's hard not to want to step in and ask for an explanation.
With all the horrible examples out there, in regards to marriage, it becomes a little overwhelming to me, to understand just what thoughts are flying around. I did not have the best examples of marriage growing up. Like I said, my parents divorced when I was 11. My grandparents, on both sides, were together and stuck through their marriage trifes. However, after a failed marriage for me, and a marriage now that has its own share of issues; I can't help but wonder what is going on.
Marriage has become, yet another tangible thing. We see it on the news everyday: so and so got married in a festivity that shattered any fairy tale; so and so are being married for 6 weeks has decided to part ways - as if this has become so common; so and so has been caught paying off a mistress who broke the rules by going public with an affair. Very rarely do you see the celebration of a marriage lasting 50 plus years.
Many people my age, were brought up by the last of the baby boomer generation. This was the first generation to really accept divorce as an alternative. This is also the generation that has raised many of us that have been married and ultimately also divorced. Now, divorce has become a common household term. I don't know many people who haven't been affected by divorce in one sense or another. It has not only become an accepted term, it's become accepted practice. It's a way to end a decision that that once was meant to mean forever, but now just means until I can't accept you anymore. It's a term that allows relationships to end, material possessions to be divided, hurt or cruel emotions to overtake anyone involved, and ultimately it allows each party to go their separate ways with half of whatever they acquired during their relationship. Please don't get me wrong, some people are not meant to be together! I do understand this. I know my parents fit that category!
Looking back at my own life, I have noticed several things, aside from the facts of my odd way of handling things. I don't allow anyone to fully blame one person or another when a relationship ends. I know it takes 2 to make or break any relationship. The obvious exception to this is physical abuse! That is one area that is unacceptable, PERIOD! Even something as adultery, has 2 sides. While I really believe, as easy as it is to get divorced, it should not happen. When 2 people are completely unhappy with each other, staying together for whatever reason, and one has an affair...this says to me, that there are some major issues not being addressed. Some people believe that an affair is the end of any relationship, I used to be one of them. As I have gotten older though, I am more interested in what drove a person to that point. Was it multiple causes piling up and an affair was their "stress relief?" Or the lack of communication in the marriage, caused a break down in their sexual relations, and the need for the perceived intimacy drove them in that direction? This is the path of my own thinking. I'm always looking for a deeper meaning, or cause.
We all know how trying finances, compatibility, children and extended families can be on a relationship. If you tip the scales further with a lack of communication, a lack of the intimacy of a relationship, a lack of purpose in the relationship; and the scales falter. The scales are tipped against you. There are so many areas that break down a relationship, and becomes overwhelming to put the pieces back together.
You can scratch the surface with conversations about work, the children, your to-do list, or any number of other surface chit-chat. However, the deeper conversations, that are usually the more difficult to discuss, are never addressed and become the elephant in the room. Many have financial stresses that do not get addresses, there is also the sexual stress of not being able to communicate your needs with your partner, the changes each person goes through in a lifetime and are maybe causing a rut between the 2 people, raising children throws in a whole other area of obstacles, and one or both partners feeling a growing resentment from a lack of purpose or placing their value in the hands of those they trust only to find they should not do this.
Marriage to me, should be giving your complete self to your partner while still allowing yourself and your partner to grow. I've seen the phrase that only divorce is 50/50, marriage takes 100%. This couldn't be closer to the truth. Marriages have been falsely portrayed as "happily ever after." Marriage takes work, and a lot of it! Loving someone is not enough, no matter what is ever said, love does not solve everything. Love is both a noun and a verb. It is a feeling you get, but it also requires action to keep. Just as marriage requires constant effort. Marriage is not this miracle box, that brings with it the wedded bliss, you feel on your wedding day. Marriage is being able to cope with your partner's quirks, long after they quit being cute. Marriage is accepting your partner and their flaws, without condition. Marriage is allowing each partner to grow as individuals while also growing in the marriage. Marriage is a constant give and take, push and pull; of everything you ever believed you knew. Marriage is accepting the road bumps and trying to fix issues, while still remaining true to the person you believed you were and the person you married. Marriage is accepting each other, each of your extended families, both of your individual quirks, and accepting the effort it will take to keep that marriage going. Marriage is hard. When your partner constantly leaves dirty socks everywhere, or isn't an immaculate housekeeper, your partner is more of a home body while you are more of a social person, your partner is an organizational freak or your partner is eccentric while you are not. Marriage is working together to accomplish mutual goals, while allowing space for each partner to achieve their personal goals. Marriage is talking about the difficult issues without blame, and allowing each partner to be real and honest. Marriage is leaving guilt trips, jealousy, blame and finger pointing by the wayside; while solving the issues in a manner that works for both parties. Marriage is taking the time to know your partner, their likes/dislikes, what makes them happy, learning to read their moods or actions, knowing their past and what they want in their future.
If you are one of the lucky couples, that can truly find all of this in your partner, even if it takes time; you will find a life long happiness and friendship. If you are one of the lucky couples that has the same convictions to not only be happy but to make each other happy, and who believe that marriage is a life-long commitment; you are part of the few.
As someone who firmly believes in the Universe as a guide, it is a reminder of how wayward our society has become. I believe that we each have a mission in this life. While we are free to choose the roads we travel to accomplish our missions, I believe there are certain paths we choose prior to this life that are meant to teach us lessons. I believe that each of the missions we take in the physical life are meant for our spiritual growth. I believe that every single person we cross paths with, is put there to teach us, or help us grow. Some of these experiences are painful, some are truly life changing, and some are purposely meant to teach us some of the greatest lessons. I do not believe in forever, however, I do believe in moments. I think we are each given specific moments for those we cross that we do love. Whether we marry these people, become the best of friends, seasonal friends, or just know we have met our soul mates - whether the time is right or wrong. Every person, I believe, is placed in our path to learn from. Some of our learning experiences are harsher than others...sometimes, we have to be brought to our knees in order to learn. Other times, you given an indirect insight to some type of experience that you need to experience. Then there are times that you are tested, and must learn to trust your intuition. The nagging feeling in the pit of your gut that says something is right or wrong; and most people choose to ignore.
Whether marriage is your best decision or worst mistake; you have the ability to make changes. Marriages are easy to get into, and easy to get out of now. Unless you are willing to work hard every day of your marriage, talk about the tough issues with honesty, accept your flaws and that of your partner; I would say marriage is something that should not be taken lightly. I encourage you to know yourself intimately, and then take the time to know your partner just as intimately. Be willing to accept that there will be conflicts, disagreements, and issues. Know that getting married is a full-time job, every single day.
Marriage takes constant effort, and for some, it's an amazing adventure. For some, marriage takes on a life of its own and is a daily struggle. For those, I encourage you to communicate with sub-surface conversations. Take time to dig out of a rut before the rut gets too deep to get out of.
Salli
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