Little Things

Spring Equinox has dawned, and with it, has brought the renewal of beauty. This time of year, brings the fruition of leaves budding on trees, the beginning growth of flowers and grass, and yes, even renewed love is in the air. After the long, dreary days of Winter, Spring brings renewed hope.

The start of each new Equinox, brings a happiness and sort of renewal. With Spring, we know the temps will be warming, the flowers will begin blooming, the trees will bring back their beautiful leaves and our yards will begin turning the most beautiful shade of emerald. As life has taught us, even with all the beauty and renewal, there will be a few dips and dives to content with, but all of them seem to be tolerable in Spring. The time of rejuvenation, and renewal.

With all things renewing and refreshing in nature, it's the little things we neglect to notice throughout the year. The chirping of the birds, are a welcomed sound in the Spring. The beauty of seeing the precious buds on each tree, and the greening of the grass; makes us feel alive again. It's the feeling of coming out of the most beautiful and restful sleep. Yet, we rapidly forget this beauty. We feel the Spring for a short time, and then begin looking to the next "restart" of seasons, Summer. Then we restart and look forward to Fall, then Winter. Will the increasing speed at which we live our lives, we are constantly neglecting the little things, the things that mean the most.

In nature, it's the birds chirping, the grass greening, the budding trees, and the increase in temps. In our relationships, it's the little things that can make or break them. Just as the increasing speed of life, has caused us to forget the beauty of nature; the speed of life, causes to forget the beauty of relationships. Love and the little things are replaced with stress- financial worries, over scheduling, and jobs. Relationships become disposable, not intentionally, but by the speed in which life has moved. Instead of nurturing our relationships with love, care, respect and yes, even the little things; we are forced into stress of increasing costs but not pay, keeping up with the times, and limiting ourselves because of feeling stuck.

Loyalty is a remarkable trait that is missed by so many. With a job, a loyal employee can only remain loyal if it remains a viable choice. A great employee is ruined when their efforts are not rewarded, and their work is constantly undermined. When the loyalty is causing hardships, that loyalty can not remain intact. Then another hardship comes into play, moving on. When is the best time to do so? That's a tough call. Jumping ship when it's sinking, seems logical, unless you are loyal. What begins as little things, to keep moving forward in a job and keep a loyalty intact, snowballs when years of loyalty has shown to be not enough. The process of moving on, and beginning a new chapter in life can be terrifying! When is the right time? Where do you begin? It's the little things, those first steps of making your new chapter begin, that will make a big difference. Once you realize your value, you realize that the ship is sinking, and you become too stressed; that is the time.

Just as loyalty in a job is invaluable, and the little things can make or break a great employee, the same holds true in relationships. The break neck speed of life, causes us to forget how it's not necessarily the big things that can kill a relationship, but the neglect of the little things that will dissolve a relationship just as quickly. We are all guilty of neglecting our relationships from time to time. We have all taken them for granted, and assume they will always be there. We date and put our best foot forward, until we tie the knot. Then life, stress, children, jobs and finances take away from a relationship; and without constant effort, will kill it. We are inadequately prepared for relationships. We forget or don't care that our partners were once so important to us. We assume, they will always be there; to have our backs, to be our partners in all aspects of life. All the while, we are neglecting them. We forget the little things. We neglect putting effort into those relationships because our outside lives become all consuming. Our lives are moving at twice the speed of light, our jobs are stressful, the finances are horrible, we are running from one kid event to another, and when the day is coming to an end, we neglect the very partner we chose to spend our lives with. We are too tired, too stressed, or too overwhelmed. The relationship becomes more of sharing a home, than a partnership.

The little things in life have always made the greatest differences. In jobs, it's the loyalty, going a step beyond your job title, being there when you are scheduled to be there and doing the best you can for your employer. In relationships, it's the little things can and will make or break it. Taking time to acknowledge your partner, communication, putting time and effort in, being present when you are together and supporting each other. It's taking the time to be a couple even with life flying by.

Remember the little things, they really are the bigger things, in the grand scheme of life.
Salli

Coffee Chat

A little Luck o' the Irish to you today! Happy St. Patrick's day! Some green caffeinated chatter for this coffee chat.

It's coffee chat time. There always seems to be so much to talk about. However, keeping the conversations pretty neutral does get a little frustrating. I do try though! Today, there is a lot on my mind. There has been a major shift in my life. I don't really mean just with my little family, mostly, it's been within myself. I've noticed a shift in thinking, thoughts and resolutions. Mulling over decisions that have to be made, has become less stressful, per se. I'm not really stressed having to make some choices, but trying to make the best choices for not just my family but also for me.

When you are the one that does 90% of the work, behind the scenes, without most people realizing what all you do; it tends to become overwhelming and stressful. There are those that just read that sentence, and were either shaking their head in agreement or those that get that glassed over look in their eyes and stare blankly not understanding. I have heard people make a comment about me, obviously not to my face, that I need something to do. That I have too much time on my hands, that's why I think so much, get so stressed, or have time to write these blogs. Well, let me give you a little insight. I do not have the time or energy to deal with a job! First of all, I have yet to find any job willing to pay me what my time is worth. Second of all, with the schedule I already keep...having a job would require me to literally work 24 hours a day. Anyone that doesn't believe that, I would welcome you to come hang out with me for a day...I guarantee by the end of day, you would never make mention of adding anything else to my schedule again!

I am a Mom that had a life of unconventional living thrown in my lap, and learned to not only thrive, but love it! That's not to say that I don't miss what little time I had to myself, or having a job that allowed me to be around other adults, or even having a job to have my own money. It's been so many years now since I had a "real" job, that what skills I did have, are out dated. The world moved on while I have been busy being a mom. At this stage of my life, it would take a hell of a pile of money to make me change the way I do things. I am too free-willed and independent to deal with office politics, and drama. I am not a gossipy type of person, so when that begins...my mind checks out. My days begin around 6 and end usually around midnight or 1 am. There aren't many hours left in my days.

When my days are loaded with 2-3 meals and meal prep, 3-4 hours of teaching my kids, 8+ hours of laundry/cleaning/answering my children's bellows/phone calls/and trying to constantly learn something new myself...there's just not much left of me - emotionally or physically! For those that have suggested I need a "real" job, I'm not sure what exactly you think I do all day, but I'm more than sure that what I do, is more real than you understand. Do I need to get out for awhile? Hell yes! I need some time away to be able to do something for myself, but that doesn't fit in the schedule most of the time.

Now then, when I have all the regular scheduled stuff going on and then you throw a monkey wrench in it, with any outside issues or changes; and yes, I do get stressed. Especially when those outside issues can not be discussed openly. I am a talker. I need conversations so I can sort through thoughts, emotions and stresses. Although I don't want a bunch of people knowing my business, sometimes it helps to get a different perspective, by talking to others. So, when these decisions and stresses come into play, I do get more uptight and more argumentative. I need to work through whatever is going, and I will, eventually. I always do. I do not, however, handle having to internalize any decisions due to how others will react.

This brings me to another point. When you have 2 people, neither of those people will handle things the same way. Sure, there may be similarities, but there will be plenty of differences. Where I am a talker, analyzer, and an obsessive list maker...my husband has a different way of dealing with stresses. He is more of an internalizer. He withdraws into himself to deal with stress. He doesn't talk much, when stresses affect us - he becomes more closed off. His normal laid back, easy going personality; it becomes more random. He may stay calm but he begins snapping at people easier, his words become more harsh and hurtful, he makes threats(not physical) that cause a lot of hurt feelings, says things that should not be said, and shuts everyone out. Once he works through some of those stresses, he is ready to move on, like nothing has happened. Unfortunately, some of the harsh words, statements and being shut out; hang with me, for a long time. I have found my own reactions, to his reactions, have caused the walls I keep up, to grow more each time.

With some of the stress in our lives right now, I need a lot of conversation. However, just having a one-sided conversation tends to make matters worse. There is a difference in communicating and being talked at. I've always heard, "it's not necessarily what you say, but in how you say it, that makes a difference." This is very accurate. Talking to me as an equal, as someone with an education, and not one of the losers that work for you; will get you much further. When there are times that you truly have to question if you are raising 2 kids or 3; there needs to be raise in conversation equality. When taking care of a family, household, and everything except a paying job; I need a partner, and someone who will see me as their equal. Not above or below them.

This brings me to another area of headache. When I can see there is an issue, whether it be in my relationship, our home, a job, family, or anything else; I will bring it to attention. Whether anyone else chooses see the issue or not, is not something I can do anything about. I can see an issue, there fore, it is brought up. This has given me plenty of grief throughout my life. I do a lot of observing. I listen, not just hear. I see through a lot of the smoke and mirrors games people play, and I listen to my gut instincts. I may be just a stay-at-home mom to some, but I have an education and am smart enough to pick up on bullshit when I see or hear it. That's not to say there aren't people out there that have been able to buffalo me, there are, but for the most part...I can catch on pretty quick. Very rarely do I have unguarded conversations with anyone, except those that have earned my trust. Once a trust is broken though, it's gone. It will never be the same, even if I move past it.

Trust is an area that I have fought with since I was young. I don't trust easy, but once I do, it's there until a reason is given not to. I'm not a jealous person, I have too much self-respect for those worthless emotions. For me, I know my value, know my worth and know how to be independent; so jealousy is a waste of my time and energy. I honestly have better things to do. I do know though, that there are plenty of jealous people in the world. Just as there are plenty of people that wouldn't know how to be independent for a single day. I don't know how people can manage each day with a jealousy issue. I've seen so many that are jealous over who their significant others speak to, jealous of friendships that don't include them, and even job promotions that someone else may get. These are all difficult for me understand. It's not how my mind is wired.

For me, I figure if my husband ever thought he wanted someone else...I wouldn't stand in his way. Why compete for something that was not working?! All the times he flirts while we are out and about, not a big deal to me. I usually laugh at the whole situation. I also know, when and if I truly want something, I will go after it and get it. I just am not a person that needs much, or really needs anyone, for that matter. Sure, I love being a stay-at-home mom, but it something happened in my marriage; I know I could do whatever I needed to and survive. I have never been a person that has to go from one relationship, into another. Sure, flirting is fun, but having someone attached my hip; not really something I want or need. My marriage works now, because I don't have to deal with jealousy, or having someone by side 24/7. We have things we like to do together, just as much as we have things we like to do separately. The theory of: you go your way, I'll go mine, and when our paths cross, we will meet in the middle...yep, it works for me.

I love my time alone. I love being able to crank the music or just enjoy the quiet. I really need that alone time, to recharge my mind, body and spirit. There are a lot of people that don't understand that. While I can be pleasant, and I can socialize when I want to; I am more of an introvert. I love my quiet time, I love to read and learn, I love gardening and letting stress exit through my hands and soil. I love grounding by walking through the beautiful grass or worked dirt, bare foot. I love days when I can stay in my pj's and read or sort through thoughts by making lists. As much as I love all those things, there are times I love to go out! I loved going dancing and having a drink or two, I loved spending hours talking to my best friend about anything and nothing; while polishing off many pots of coffee. I loved hiking and letting my soul refuel in nature. I love to build things. Whether it's a small bookcase or an entire room of furniture. Tackling my love of floor plan designing, and remodeling; I would love to be able to take on building a house I designed, or taking an old house and making it new again. I love taking pictures. It doesn't matter if it's people, animals or nature...doing it for a living would be a dream come true. I usually do not see things through blinders, so I catch the beauty I do see, as best as I can. I love to write. Whether it be these personal blogs, in my journals, some stories I read to my youngest, or sharing something I have learned...it doesn't matter. Writing is relaxing to me.

These coffee chats, are a release for me. Even though I won't put everything online, I can share generic versions or ideas, and get them out of my head. Most of the time, I will write the entire blog post, before even knowing what it really says. What starts out as an idea, I start typing whatever comes to mind, publish it, and then go back through to read it. I'm not perfect in grammar or punctuation, but I type whatever comes to mind. That is why I love my coffee chats, and why then tend to be a little all over everywhere. One thought leads to another, and when all is said and done, an entire post is written in less than 30 minutes.

I want to switch gears for a bit. We are in the midst of the craziest election cycle I have ever seen. You have a bunch of career politicians and a business man, all battling to become the president. You have a bunch of congressmen, making laws they do not have to follow. Then you have all these "groups" behaving like petulant children, and people behaving in a manner that would have not only our founding fathers rolling over in their graves but our own ancestors getting a willow switch to change their behavior. I really am not understanding the direction our country has taken, or when so many in society became such wimps. Laws and regulations have now turned our children into victims, and the bullies have the rights. Police officers are now more concerned from their lives during every shift, than ever before. The bad officers are so few, yet the good ones are just as much targets. You can't say anything for fear of offending someone, causing a riot, or being ambushed with hate mail. Judgement has become so harsh, that mothers can not feed their children in public but Victoria's Secret can plaster half naked women all over the television, mall windows, and advertisements. Our freedoms of speech, right to bear arms, right to do much of anything; is being lessened every day. And for what purpose? For a false sense of security? We have 5 individuals running for the highest office in our country, and from what I have learned, none are fit for the position. We 535 individuals that are elected, without any term limits, to make the laws of the land, none of which are fit for the positions. The two main political parties are playing one against the other, when in truth, they are the same. You have individuals all over the country, willing to commit crimes, to somehow justify support for some politicians. Then you have a bias media, that is no longer informative but has become all about propaganda and adding fuel to the lack of morals of those committing crimes.

I'm not going to ever voice support for any political party. I research each candidate on their values, their standing on issues, and what they have accomplished. There isn't a single candidate that has gained my vote. I believe that whomever each person votes for, is no one's business but their own. However, more and more people are more than happy to belittle you or degrade you when do make a decision to vote for one of the educated idiots. So, even when/if I decide to vote for someone, no one will know who it is. I have my own thoughts on who I believe would be best for our country, but none of them measure up, to me. Choosing the lesser of the evils, is not how it should be. This cycle, we have the woman who is already drawing 3 pensions from tax payers and has a lot of blood on her hands. You have the old guy who has a few ideas that could work but to me is nothing more than a white Obama. You have the dip shit from Texas, who in my eyes, should not even have the validity to run. Then, you have the businessman who, although I like that he is not politically correct, is a jackass. Oh yeah, and then the one that most people have never heard of, and we didn't hear anything about recently. Seems like a big field of educated idiots, none of which would have a clue how to live in the real world.

We have a multi-trillion national debt, tax codes that more loop holes that a tennis shoe factory, increasing taxes on those who actually work for a living and decreasing for those who are at the top, an education system that is failing our kids by teaching to tests instead of teaching our children to actually learn, a ton of groups of people overstepping the constitution that were not elected by the people but instead appointed by those who have been elected - strangling any freedoms we do have left. Our financial system is a mess. Our road systems throughout the country are crumbling due to lack of funding, and all the bureaucratic red tape. The educated idiots have managed to place cause a type of civil war within our country by playing the race, religion, financial, gender, and nationality cards all against each other. You have the Hollywood group that believes they need to voice their opinions and behave with the lowest values and morals possible. You have the corporations sending people to pay our elected officials the highest money to vote which ever way they will increase their profits. You have the racial groups that believe killing, and looting, is an acceptable action to be heard. Then you have those that will defend one party or the either; even when they are smart enough to understand that they are all the same.

While my personal opinion is not worth much, and I know that, I just have a hard time understanding all the insanity. There seems to be a big lack of common sense, values, morals and self respect. I suppose it is no different than those that don't even make an effort to get out of their bed clothes to go shopping. I just wonder when did our country loose it's class, it's self respect, decency? When did it become acceptable to degrade someone for trying to better themselves, belittle someone who wants to use their ingenuity to start their own business, giving fines to kids and people for lemonade stands and selling fresh produce out of gardens. When did stealing become an acceptable thing? It's now become more profitable to live off the welfare system, than to actually have a job. It takes an arm and a leg to go to college, only to have that astronomical debt hanging over your head and no jobs to be able to repay that debt. Speaking of debt, when in the name of all things good, did it become acceptable to owe your soul to whomever holds the lien on your debts? We are told it is our job, to go out and spend our hard earned money, to keep our country moving. So, you have people in debt beyond their eyeballs, to have the biggest houses, the newest vehicles, or the latest gaming systems. Where does this make any sense?! When did we, as society, loose our sense of responsibility? What ever happened to not buying something if we didn't have the cash to buy it? Now, we are offered bank loans to purchase homes that would cost 5 years or more of gross salaries, vehicles costs are as much as a small house, credit cards are happy to offer credit to even those less than worthy, and none of this begins to cover the cost of the everyday true needs we have.

Sure, we need a house. But if that house is going to cost you a minimum of 5 years or more of your gross salary, don't you think it's too much? Then you throw in trying to one up, everyone else. This is a huge issue to me. Why on Earth, would you put yourself in such deep financial strain for the biggest, most expensive home, just to have something better than your neighbor? To me, it's stupidity! Why would anyone want a home, or vehicle for that matter, that is so expensive that, they have to have a two full time incomes. Not to mention the fact that they are forced to carry that burden of debt, and can't enjoy what they do have? Tell me, with the debt that you carry, do you get to enjoy life, your family or get aways...without creating more debt? If your vacations are paid for with a credit card, you can't afford your home or vehicle without working not only a 40 hour week plus overtime, you can not truly enjoy your life. If you are struggling to barely make ends meet...more than likely, it's because your debts are too much.

Debt, to me, is a life sucking, stress inducing, way for corporations, financial institutions, and politics to keep our society in line. By being so burdened with debt, we are forced to depend on loans, credit cards, and living a life ruled by someone else. Please don't take any of this, believing that I am any better off! We have a mortgage, a student loan, and 2 credit cards. I hate debt! I hate knowing that each month I have to make payments for something. I am working towards eliminating our debt, but like everyone else, I don't know how to live completely debt free, without living in a shack made of twigs, and bark.

Just as debt irritates me regularly, so does the lack of knowledge when it comes to our food. Food, real food, for thousands of years, was used as a means of healthcare. Too much of what is consumed today, can not be considered real food. Food that has a shelf life of years, is dangerous! You will never convince me that putting chemicals on and in food, is safe. While science can be beneficial, too much of science, in the food industry has been manipulated. With disease rates growing all time, the common denominator, is FOOD! More specifically, lack of nutritional education. You can not get needed vitamins, minerals and nutrition out of anything made in a factory! Anytime a synthetic food like product is made, it contains a cocktail of chemicals. Most of those chemicals are known carcinogenics or have never been tested, independently, for human consumption. When you have a large portion of society, that has to live on fast food or eating out, you can not expect any kind of different results in health. The chemical concoctions used in our food supply, are terrifying!

My own personal experience with Cancer, allergies, and other sensitivities; has led me to research. It has lead to a lot of criticism from some that believe eating all that crap is not unhealthy or it wouldn't be offered. I can tell you, if you knew what went into most of the foods we eat, or even the conditions of the kitchens where we all eat at; you would be physically sick! After a couple years of poor gardens here, we have had to purchase more store bought items than normal. With the increased store foods, has come increased illnesses, increased allergies, increased sensitivities, and worsening health all around. This was an unintentional lesson to me. The allergies and sensitivities we had all but eliminated years ago, have come back with a vengeance, the skin issues have become worse than ever, and hormone balances have all but flown out the window! While this has been a hard lesson, and the constant degradation of hearing it's impossible to eat totally organic, has been tough; It has taught me one major lesson...people don't know, how much they don't know. People are buying into the propaganda that the food they are eating is healthy, because it's federally approved or some naive sense that it wouldn't be sold if it wasn't safe to eat. All I can say is, if you read an ingredient list and can't pronounce the ingredients...do not eat it! We all want to do everything we can do, to keep our families safe and healthy. The absolute best place to start is, what is being put into their bodies. While modern medicine is all about covering up symptoms with fast acting medication; a healthy diet will help your body heal itself, but it will take time. You body will have to go through a detox, of sorts. It has to have the real food for the nutrients to start healing from the inside, out. Your body has not become ill overnight, even if your symptoms have. With the correct nutrients, your body can heal itself from any illness.

As so often happens, it's time to end this blog, and move on with the rest of my day. I love my coffee chat blogs, and hope you do too. As unconventional as I am, I am still learning and growing, every single day. While I can take the time to write, research and get unnerved by society as a whole - I believe there are still some remarkable people in the world. I don't believe that there are entire portions of society that are bad, but clusters here and there, that make entire groups looks bad. I don't care if you are white, black, red or brown; if you have a different spiritual thought than I do, what country you live in, or what nationality you identify with; whether you are straight, gay or bi-sexual, male or female, rich or poor, young or old. There is good and bad to every single label that has been placed. As Americans, it's time we come together, quit labeling, quit playing class warfare, and become "One Nation," once again. Quit fighting with each other, quit stealing, lying, cheating, and accepting the games that are being played by those that will profit off of it.

Wishing you all a beautiful day. My label: WARNING: highly opinionated, independent, sassy, educated, burned by life but stronger than ever, and not willing to accept that ignorance is bliss!

Too much to label,
Salli

The long and winding road

There are times in life that the road of life, gets pretty winding and rough. The times that require you to dig deeper into your own personal self, and find a strength you didn't realize you even had. At times, the road looks too oppressive to travel. The dips and dives of the road laid before you, leaves you feeling cold and unfriendly. The curves look insurmountable and too difficult to tackle.

I believe if was Martin Luther King, that said: "you don't have to see the entire staircase, just take the first step." As troubling, difficult or terrifying as it may be; you have to start with the very first step. Each step forward, allows you to see a little more of the path you must follow. Taking chances, stepping out of your comfort zone, allowing yourself to pursue a new road; these can be assaulting to the senses and have you feeling paralyzed in the fear of the unknown.

For some, they choose to stay on a familiar path, rather than venture into something different or out of their comfort zone. For others, the fear of the unknown is a natural high, and the only way they can live true to themselves. Others find excuses for making a handful of small changes and thinking those changes, will dramatically change their lives.

Herein, becomes a telling tale of choosing a path. "you can't continue to do the same things, and expect new results."

As my favorite poet, Robert Frost, says in the image above: "two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."



Sure, you can take the road that is clear of debris, is smooth and well marked. OR, you can choose the one that has beautiful scenery, a path littered with wildflowers, shrubs, and blaze your own path. The clearer path would be a little easier, but what do you earn from not experiencing life; by letting everyone else choose the same path, it may work for them but it may not work for you. By choosing your own path, you are in the drivers seat, so to speak. You choose the adventures you take. You choose which hurdles you cross, and which ones you leave by the wayside.

Many years ago, I chose a path that so far outside of the beaten path, my family thought I had lost my mind. I have always handled things my own way, but in doing so, I have had to experience some harsh life lessons. I uprooted my life, packed up and took off to a new area, to find my own way. I never dreamed it would become permanent, it was my way of "sowing my wild oats." What I could never have foreseen, was the winding path that led me to where I am today.

I stepped out of my comfort zone, left friends and family behind, to blaze my own path. Honestly, the path of the unknown, made me happy. I loved feeling so free. Not rooted anywhere, or to anyone; was how I wanted my life. I loved the inconsistency of waitressing and bartending. It was never the same two days in a row. It never felt monotonous. It never felt stifling, or that I was depriving myself of something more. I did what I what I needed to, and I did what I wanted to. Then something changed. I quit letting my own needs matter. I buckled under what was "socially acceptable" from a wife and mother. I changed everything about who I was to fit the acceptable models. I did this, but not without fighting tooth and nail to avoid it. Eventually, I have molded myself to fit what is acceptable, even if a bit unconventional. While I can't lie and say the changes were easy, or even that the changes were welcome. I have mentioned many times, how much I dislike, how far from the person I am on the inside - to the person I am on the outside.

Honestly, if someone were to read my journals, they would think they were written by someone else. I look at my daughter, and see me, 34 years younger. The free spirit, wild child, not caring what others think is acceptable, and just being whatever her mind decides for the day. Not giving a ounce of concern of what is expected of her, but doing what she feels like in the moment. She is my twin, on the inside. On the outside, I fuss over making sure she gets a bath a 3-4 times a week, getting her hair brushed and looking presentable when we have company, goodness...even keeping clothes on that child is a task most days. On the outside, I am the iron-fisted mom, dictating orders for chores, eating, bathing, and education. On the inside though, I would love to chase one adventure after another with them. I would love to take time every month, to explore a new area or way of life. I would love to be able to be so carefree again.

While I do think having a home base is necessary for everyone, having to be rooted to one area, not being able to take adventures or explore new ways of life; has left me restless. Having to remain diligent to our finances, and our responsibilities has caused me to become even more controlling, and relentless in need of organizing/planning. I'm not even sure if I could be the person I am on the inside, anymore.

Having reached a point in life, when there are major changes on the horizon, it has left me really off balance. The excitement of something new, is as great as the fear, of making such major changes. The over-organized person in me, has weighed the pros and cons, I have list after list of possibilities, yet I am intimidated. I suppose a fear of major change at this stage of my life, is overall pretty minimal. However, the changes that are needed are big. They mean a complete focus shift. While at the same, not making the major changes could be catastrophic on many levels, and no that is not an exaggeration.

Being stuck in the middle of so many major decisions, has me a little unsteady on my feet. Having to feel as I am walking on eggshells, keeps a lot of thoughts stuck in my head, with no means of releasing them. Meditation has helped with some decisions, but some of the biggest decisions yet, are unresolved and weighing heavily on my mind. I'm not sure what course or path will be chosen but continuing on the same path will not work. The path has gotten too rocky, too uncertain, and too stressful to continue. I don't think some release the depth of the issues, but they are there none-the-less. In my eyes, this time in my life, is the make or break point. The point of making a positive move forward or watching an end close in.

Stresses continue to be stresses, when the stress isn't addressed and fixed. A stress is nothing more than a lesson in life, that is on repeat until you fix a problem/stress. It's time to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. I suppose it's time to make some big decisions and see where it takes me.

Blazing yet another path.
Salli

Long, emotional, and personal

"Missing you isn't such an unfamiliar emotion. It happens regularly and repeatedly."



Have you ever stopped to think about those that you have crossed paths with throughout your life, and realized that you miss them? Crossing paths again with some amazing people last week, reminded me of some great memories. Some I have really missed. Especially those that I don't see or talk to on a regular basis.

Each of us have our own lives, families, and new friends; but being with those that you share special memories with is a reminder of how fleeting life can be. Without strong bonds, tried and true friendships and the link of memories to hang on to; it allows a person to not feel rooted to whatever or where ever their life may be.

Returning to some former stomping grounds was bitter sweet. The reason for returning was a sad but beautiful celebration of a kind, loving, and remarkable man. I was always treated just like one of his children. He and his entire family have hearts so big, and an unconditional love for each other and those around them, it was tough. It took everything I was capable of to not be overly emotional. I wanted to be a silent strength to his family. One hug from a good friend, almost sent me toppling.

There in, lies the one thing I have always done. I remove myself, at least emotionally, from the equation. I turn to the old self-defense methods of turning off emotions. This allows me the strength to deal with whatever is going on in the moment, and I deal with them emotional state, after the fact. Something that has hit me recently, is that I haven't done the last half of that statement, for many years. Instead of dealing with the emotions later, I have been burying them. Each one gets buried a little deeper than the last, and each emotion gets further away from me.

This got me thinking. What would I do if all those emotions were suddenly to surface? How would I react if those that I care about but walked away from were suddenly thrown back into my path? The last few years, there have been several family and friends that have passed on. Since I try to learn from my mistakes, I have handled each one, I hope, a little better than the one before. The regrets of not being there for those I care about, has really hurt me. It has left a few emotions pretty raw. I don't live an enormous amount of time from where I grew up but it's just enough to use as an excuse, out of fear. There are areas that I am not ready to face yet. Then there is the fear of facing them and not being able to control my own emotions to get through it.

Through many years of trying to understand my heightened senses, I have finally come to grips with the root of it. I will not go into detail, but my emotions run pretty deep. Rather than learning to deal with them when I was younger, I am facing a firestorm of emotions the past few years, that I did not expect. Being able to sense other peoples emotions, has left me overwhelmed on the emotional front, most of my life. It's just been recently that I have begun to accept and deal them. I'm not an emotional person, crying ticks me off, and being/feeling needy has the same effect. However, I have cried a lot the last few years. Many of those tears have been shed for past events, but some have been more recent.

Last week, attending the celebration of life, for such an amazing man, was yet another wake up call. I knew I was where I needed to be, I didn't allow my own fears to hold me back, and once again, I buried my own emotions to be strong for those that needed me. I find myself asking though, whose there for me when I need that strength, that unconditional love, that hug or just those selfless words of, "How are you, really?"

There are a few, that I can say for sure are there, whenever I need them. Too many are only there to be gossips, but there are a few that are truly friends to rely on. Yes, I am being selfish for a bit. It's been years since I spent much time, with anyone from where I grew up. When I do get up there, it's a constant whirlwind of activity to visit everyone I can. I could sit for hours talking to my best friend of 25 years. It's something we do. Our conversations pick up, like we've never spent any time apart. We talk about everything and/or nothing, but there's never enough time together, in my eyes. We can sit, drinking our coffee, talking for hours, and I leave feeling refreshed. She has always been that way, and her family has always made me feel the same way. I lost one of my other best friends a few years back. I miss him. He was another one I could count on to lift my spirits, and wasn't afraid to be honest with me. He would tell me to "shut up, and listen. You are thinking out of your ass." I can still hear him giving me hell, if my emotions overrode common sense. His family is still another set of my adopted families.

Spending the first half of my life in one place, and being where I am today, tends to be a tight rope walk. I have a decent life here. I have a beautiful family, a home that we've worked hard to make our own, and a life separate from anything I ever lived there. Now, my life includes my kids, and our little farm. Having animals, makes it nearly impossible to be away for any length of time. Having a life here, means that this life takes most of my time. Having a spouse that didn't grow up or spend much time with those from my life up there, makes it difficult to juggle. My ties to the area I grew up in, won't ever change, even though my home is here, now. It become a tight rope walk to do what I know I need and want to do, as opposed to what I need to do here. Feeling strangled by the pressure here, not having anyone close enough here to talk to without reservation, and needing just that..real, open and unreserved conversation; is exactly what I need. I'm a talker and a writer. I need conversation to iron out thoughts, emotions and situations. I write, now, but it became my main source of conversation when I no longer had anyone close enough to talk to.

I have missed so many from my life, where I grew up. The ones that truly know me. The ones that can see beyond the emotional shut downs, the ones that can look in my eyes and know that I need one of those entire evening conversations, or the ones that can hug me, and within seconds, I know they truly care. The ones that even when we get angry with each other, there isn't a chance in hell, it will ever end anything. The ones who knew my heart, before it became so cold, the very heart I need to soften again. So, as much as I miss those from the area I grew up, I miss me, too.

This overwhelming ambush of emotions, has affected me for several years now, but the last week, has brought on another emotion, that I have not dealt with much... loneliness. Yes, I believe this to be the best description of what I am feeling. I miss having my best friend close enough to call, and say, "hey, I need to talk," and knowing she is just a few minutes away. Knowing we will polish of many pots of coffee, and end up talking about everything under the sun, and laughing until we cry! It brings so many memories to the forefront, when we do talk. All those trips up and down Broadway, even though there was not a damned thing going on, or the trips to Mama K's Pizza. The old Monza or Yugo, oh, the stories those cars could tell!!! Instead, I am 5 1/2 hours away, our conversations are fit in around work, and drama in our lives. Our visits are limited to whatever time we can squeeze in around whatever reason I have to make a trip up there. Other friendships, are cordial and fun; when we are all together, but the closeness has waned through the years. My own need for those friendships up there, are selfishly jealous, when I read about some of them getting together, but I am happy for them at the same time.

Experiencing this newest emotion, is trying. I have some good friends here. Some I am closer to that others, but there is still some reserve in conversations for me. My mind goes in so many directions, all the time, that I keep it pretty closed off from most. This is difficult, since I know if I could talk through these thoughts, I could handle them better. However, it's difficult to explain to people, when they only know how you are right now. They don't know your family, they don't know your history, only who you are in this moment in time. It's those you have a history with that allow you to just be, they know your flaws and mistakes...and they love you anyway.

As I said, this latest emotion, has me really missing being around people. We bought our little farm, it's only 20 minutes from the town we lived in formerly, but it's far enough no one visits, even special occasions tend to be smaller. When we lived nearer to town, we'd have bonfires and people would just show up. Now, not so much, if at all. I love the peacefulness of where we live, and the life style of how we live, but I hate the loneliness. The county we live in, is a dying county. The population is aging, the businesses are not here, and the demographics are very defined. You have an older crowd that has lived here forever and transplants(like me). Those who live in the extreme rural area(us), the rural area, and town. This county has a total population of 6,910 as of 2013, throughout the ENTIRE county! The population is dropping by about 1300 people every 2-3 years. The overall experience of living in this county for the majority of the last 13 years, has not been good. Each year gets a little worse than the last, more businesses move out than those moving in, the tax rates are continually increasing, and the overall quality of the county is sinking, fast. I've watched our income remain the same for 2 years, but the expenses have increase 10 fold. I've watched people reveal their true colors, and learned there is always an ulterior motive to anyone being "nice." I have seen so many of my own hopes and dreams, absolutely squashed because of what we have had to cut in our lives, just to make ends, come close to meeting. I've watched my relationship become more strained as we try to figure out how to handle the stress of the increased expenses and no increase in income, the stress of working with others that choose to live poor lives, the strain I am placing on him to make some drastic changes to try to salvage not only our relationship but also our finances. I am tired of just the constant work, and paying bills. I want to enjoy life, I want to not be so stressed all the time that my mind is running in this constant vicious cycle. I want more for and from my life. When life here started going down the drain, I began withdrawing from everything and everyone. It's hard to admit. I became a hermit. I became even more calloused and cold than I had already been. Right now, my emotions are raw and very much at the surface. So many that have known me for years, remind me, "this is not you." The sad truth of the matter, is No...this is not me. Sure I love our lifestyle, I love having a little farm and growing/raising our own food, but I miss people. I miss going out dancing, laughing and having fun. I miss having people to my home to just visit. I miss being able to call up a friend and getting together. Being the hermit I have become, is not me. It's not what I want, but it's what has happened.

Having this heightened sense, has been tough. I can feel the walls others put up, I can feel the friction on such a larger scale than most. Feeling emotions so strongly, tends to take me aback. Once I feel something, I tend to withdraw while I work through what the exact feeling is, or what emotion there is behind it. When I sense those emotions, it's like running into a brick wall for me. Years ago, I was able to handle that experience much better. I wasn't so closed off from emotion, I knew how to voice and decipher those emotions, unlike now. It was easy to be able to pick up that sense, and move on. Now, that sense, brings me stress. It's harder to deal with emotions when you have shut them down for so many years. Having such heightened emotions, tends to put me in a position that I need to speak what I am thinking, or it drives me batty. Though, there have been a lot of things lately, I have kept quiet about, even though I know what the outcome is going to be. There are feelings, that I am feeling, that have me tied in knots and even though I want to discuss them, there doesn't seem to be a good time to do so.

Have you ever noticed that there are a couple or maybe more that, when they hug you, you feel like you can face whatever is thrown at you? I have a few that fit that for me. It's like their hugs are the elixir that calms your soul. I was fortunate to get a few of those recently. It was those that went beyond, "I know you are putting on a strong front, but how are you, really?" It was that feeling, that even though you are being strong, they could see right through that facade is seconds...when others don't seem to care to look. You know, the people that can look in your eyes and seem say, "I can see that wall, but when you are ready to let it down, I'll be there." I need one of those hugs today. I need that friendship that says you can say anything you want, I won't judge you, I won't belittle you, and I will pay attention.

Since I know that can't happen, I will wall off these emotions, just as I always have. I will write what I am feeling in the moment, and go back to the everyday motion of getting through with just a few tears...and move on. I will throw myself into a project to derail any more emotion and move on. It's what I do, it's how I am handling most things right now. It's easier to just exist than to push too many buttons, or throw off the very routine that has become the normal. It's easier than explaining why I am experiencing any emotion, when those emotions have caused issue many times over. I will take a few deep breaths, meditate for a few minutes, and pick up my day. I will move through the day, just as I always do. I want to find a better path. I just am not sure how. Eventually the damn will break, it usually does. It will allow my head to clear. Until then, I am carrying those recent hugs with me.

~S~