There are times in life that the road of life, gets pretty winding and rough. The times that require you to dig deeper into your own personal self, and find a strength you didn't realize you even had. At times, the road looks too oppressive to travel. The dips and dives of the road laid before you, leaves you feeling cold and unfriendly. The curves look insurmountable and too difficult to tackle.
I believe if was Martin Luther King, that said: "you don't have to see the entire staircase, just take the first step." As troubling, difficult or terrifying as it may be; you have to start with the very first step. Each step forward, allows you to see a little more of the path you must follow. Taking chances, stepping out of your comfort zone, allowing yourself to pursue a new road; these can be assaulting to the senses and have you feeling paralyzed in the fear of the unknown.
For some, they choose to stay on a familiar path, rather than venture into something different or out of their comfort zone. For others, the fear of the unknown is a natural high, and the only way they can live true to themselves. Others find excuses for making a handful of small changes and thinking those changes, will dramatically change their lives.
Herein, becomes a telling tale of choosing a path. "you can't continue to do the same things, and expect new results."
As my favorite poet, Robert Frost, says in the image above: "two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."
Sure, you can take the road that is clear of debris, is smooth and well marked. OR, you can choose the one that has beautiful scenery, a path littered with wildflowers, shrubs, and blaze your own path. The clearer path would be a little easier, but what do you earn from not experiencing life; by letting everyone else choose the same path, it may work for them but it may not work for you. By choosing your own path, you are in the drivers seat, so to speak. You choose the adventures you take. You choose which hurdles you cross, and which ones you leave by the wayside.
Many years ago, I chose a path that so far outside of the beaten path, my family thought I had lost my mind. I have always handled things my own way, but in doing so, I have had to experience some harsh life lessons. I uprooted my life, packed up and took off to a new area, to find my own way. I never dreamed it would become permanent, it was my way of "sowing my wild oats." What I could never have foreseen, was the winding path that led me to where I am today.
I stepped out of my comfort zone, left friends and family behind, to blaze my own path. Honestly, the path of the unknown, made me happy. I loved feeling so free. Not rooted anywhere, or to anyone; was how I wanted my life. I loved the inconsistency of waitressing and bartending. It was never the same two days in a row. It never felt monotonous. It never felt stifling, or that I was depriving myself of something more. I did what I what I needed to, and I did what I wanted to. Then something changed. I quit letting my own needs matter. I buckled under what was "socially acceptable" from a wife and mother. I changed everything about who I was to fit the acceptable models. I did this, but not without fighting tooth and nail to avoid it. Eventually, I have molded myself to fit what is acceptable, even if a bit unconventional. While I can't lie and say the changes were easy, or even that the changes were welcome. I have mentioned many times, how much I dislike, how far from the person I am on the inside - to the person I am on the outside.
Honestly, if someone were to read my journals, they would think they were written by someone else. I look at my daughter, and see me, 34 years younger. The free spirit, wild child, not caring what others think is acceptable, and just being whatever her mind decides for the day. Not giving a ounce of concern of what is expected of her, but doing what she feels like in the moment. She is my twin, on the inside. On the outside, I fuss over making sure she gets a bath a 3-4 times a week, getting her hair brushed and looking presentable when we have company, goodness...even keeping clothes on that child is a task most days. On the outside, I am the iron-fisted mom, dictating orders for chores, eating, bathing, and education. On the inside though, I would love to chase one adventure after another with them. I would love to take time every month, to explore a new area or way of life. I would love to be able to be so carefree again.
While I do think having a home base is necessary for everyone, having to be rooted to one area, not being able to take adventures or explore new ways of life; has left me restless. Having to remain diligent to our finances, and our responsibilities has caused me to become even more controlling, and relentless in need of organizing/planning. I'm not even sure if I could be the person I am on the inside, anymore.
Having reached a point in life, when there are major changes on the horizon, it has left me really off balance. The excitement of something new, is as great as the fear, of making such major changes. The over-organized person in me, has weighed the pros and cons, I have list after list of possibilities, yet I am intimidated. I suppose a fear of major change at this stage of my life, is overall pretty minimal. However, the changes that are needed are big. They mean a complete focus shift. While at the same, not making the major changes could be catastrophic on many levels, and no that is not an exaggeration.
Being stuck in the middle of so many major decisions, has me a little unsteady on my feet. Having to feel as I am walking on eggshells, keeps a lot of thoughts stuck in my head, with no means of releasing them. Meditation has helped with some decisions, but some of the biggest decisions yet, are unresolved and weighing heavily on my mind. I'm not sure what course or path will be chosen but continuing on the same path will not work. The path has gotten too rocky, too uncertain, and too stressful to continue. I don't think some release the depth of the issues, but they are there none-the-less. In my eyes, this time in my life, is the make or break point. The point of making a positive move forward or watching an end close in.
Stresses continue to be stresses, when the stress isn't addressed and fixed. A stress is nothing more than a lesson in life, that is on repeat until you fix a problem/stress. It's time to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. I suppose it's time to make some big decisions and see where it takes me.
Blazing yet another path.
Salli
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