Long, emotional, and personal

"Missing you isn't such an unfamiliar emotion. It happens regularly and repeatedly."



Have you ever stopped to think about those that you have crossed paths with throughout your life, and realized that you miss them? Crossing paths again with some amazing people last week, reminded me of some great memories. Some I have really missed. Especially those that I don't see or talk to on a regular basis.

Each of us have our own lives, families, and new friends; but being with those that you share special memories with is a reminder of how fleeting life can be. Without strong bonds, tried and true friendships and the link of memories to hang on to; it allows a person to not feel rooted to whatever or where ever their life may be.

Returning to some former stomping grounds was bitter sweet. The reason for returning was a sad but beautiful celebration of a kind, loving, and remarkable man. I was always treated just like one of his children. He and his entire family have hearts so big, and an unconditional love for each other and those around them, it was tough. It took everything I was capable of to not be overly emotional. I wanted to be a silent strength to his family. One hug from a good friend, almost sent me toppling.

There in, lies the one thing I have always done. I remove myself, at least emotionally, from the equation. I turn to the old self-defense methods of turning off emotions. This allows me the strength to deal with whatever is going on in the moment, and I deal with them emotional state, after the fact. Something that has hit me recently, is that I haven't done the last half of that statement, for many years. Instead of dealing with the emotions later, I have been burying them. Each one gets buried a little deeper than the last, and each emotion gets further away from me.

This got me thinking. What would I do if all those emotions were suddenly to surface? How would I react if those that I care about but walked away from were suddenly thrown back into my path? The last few years, there have been several family and friends that have passed on. Since I try to learn from my mistakes, I have handled each one, I hope, a little better than the one before. The regrets of not being there for those I care about, has really hurt me. It has left a few emotions pretty raw. I don't live an enormous amount of time from where I grew up but it's just enough to use as an excuse, out of fear. There are areas that I am not ready to face yet. Then there is the fear of facing them and not being able to control my own emotions to get through it.

Through many years of trying to understand my heightened senses, I have finally come to grips with the root of it. I will not go into detail, but my emotions run pretty deep. Rather than learning to deal with them when I was younger, I am facing a firestorm of emotions the past few years, that I did not expect. Being able to sense other peoples emotions, has left me overwhelmed on the emotional front, most of my life. It's just been recently that I have begun to accept and deal them. I'm not an emotional person, crying ticks me off, and being/feeling needy has the same effect. However, I have cried a lot the last few years. Many of those tears have been shed for past events, but some have been more recent.

Last week, attending the celebration of life, for such an amazing man, was yet another wake up call. I knew I was where I needed to be, I didn't allow my own fears to hold me back, and once again, I buried my own emotions to be strong for those that needed me. I find myself asking though, whose there for me when I need that strength, that unconditional love, that hug or just those selfless words of, "How are you, really?"

There are a few, that I can say for sure are there, whenever I need them. Too many are only there to be gossips, but there are a few that are truly friends to rely on. Yes, I am being selfish for a bit. It's been years since I spent much time, with anyone from where I grew up. When I do get up there, it's a constant whirlwind of activity to visit everyone I can. I could sit for hours talking to my best friend of 25 years. It's something we do. Our conversations pick up, like we've never spent any time apart. We talk about everything and/or nothing, but there's never enough time together, in my eyes. We can sit, drinking our coffee, talking for hours, and I leave feeling refreshed. She has always been that way, and her family has always made me feel the same way. I lost one of my other best friends a few years back. I miss him. He was another one I could count on to lift my spirits, and wasn't afraid to be honest with me. He would tell me to "shut up, and listen. You are thinking out of your ass." I can still hear him giving me hell, if my emotions overrode common sense. His family is still another set of my adopted families.

Spending the first half of my life in one place, and being where I am today, tends to be a tight rope walk. I have a decent life here. I have a beautiful family, a home that we've worked hard to make our own, and a life separate from anything I ever lived there. Now, my life includes my kids, and our little farm. Having animals, makes it nearly impossible to be away for any length of time. Having a life here, means that this life takes most of my time. Having a spouse that didn't grow up or spend much time with those from my life up there, makes it difficult to juggle. My ties to the area I grew up in, won't ever change, even though my home is here, now. It become a tight rope walk to do what I know I need and want to do, as opposed to what I need to do here. Feeling strangled by the pressure here, not having anyone close enough here to talk to without reservation, and needing just that..real, open and unreserved conversation; is exactly what I need. I'm a talker and a writer. I need conversation to iron out thoughts, emotions and situations. I write, now, but it became my main source of conversation when I no longer had anyone close enough to talk to.

I have missed so many from my life, where I grew up. The ones that truly know me. The ones that can see beyond the emotional shut downs, the ones that can look in my eyes and know that I need one of those entire evening conversations, or the ones that can hug me, and within seconds, I know they truly care. The ones that even when we get angry with each other, there isn't a chance in hell, it will ever end anything. The ones who knew my heart, before it became so cold, the very heart I need to soften again. So, as much as I miss those from the area I grew up, I miss me, too.

This overwhelming ambush of emotions, has affected me for several years now, but the last week, has brought on another emotion, that I have not dealt with much... loneliness. Yes, I believe this to be the best description of what I am feeling. I miss having my best friend close enough to call, and say, "hey, I need to talk," and knowing she is just a few minutes away. Knowing we will polish of many pots of coffee, and end up talking about everything under the sun, and laughing until we cry! It brings so many memories to the forefront, when we do talk. All those trips up and down Broadway, even though there was not a damned thing going on, or the trips to Mama K's Pizza. The old Monza or Yugo, oh, the stories those cars could tell!!! Instead, I am 5 1/2 hours away, our conversations are fit in around work, and drama in our lives. Our visits are limited to whatever time we can squeeze in around whatever reason I have to make a trip up there. Other friendships, are cordial and fun; when we are all together, but the closeness has waned through the years. My own need for those friendships up there, are selfishly jealous, when I read about some of them getting together, but I am happy for them at the same time.

Experiencing this newest emotion, is trying. I have some good friends here. Some I am closer to that others, but there is still some reserve in conversations for me. My mind goes in so many directions, all the time, that I keep it pretty closed off from most. This is difficult, since I know if I could talk through these thoughts, I could handle them better. However, it's difficult to explain to people, when they only know how you are right now. They don't know your family, they don't know your history, only who you are in this moment in time. It's those you have a history with that allow you to just be, they know your flaws and mistakes...and they love you anyway.

As I said, this latest emotion, has me really missing being around people. We bought our little farm, it's only 20 minutes from the town we lived in formerly, but it's far enough no one visits, even special occasions tend to be smaller. When we lived nearer to town, we'd have bonfires and people would just show up. Now, not so much, if at all. I love the peacefulness of where we live, and the life style of how we live, but I hate the loneliness. The county we live in, is a dying county. The population is aging, the businesses are not here, and the demographics are very defined. You have an older crowd that has lived here forever and transplants(like me). Those who live in the extreme rural area(us), the rural area, and town. This county has a total population of 6,910 as of 2013, throughout the ENTIRE county! The population is dropping by about 1300 people every 2-3 years. The overall experience of living in this county for the majority of the last 13 years, has not been good. Each year gets a little worse than the last, more businesses move out than those moving in, the tax rates are continually increasing, and the overall quality of the county is sinking, fast. I've watched our income remain the same for 2 years, but the expenses have increase 10 fold. I've watched people reveal their true colors, and learned there is always an ulterior motive to anyone being "nice." I have seen so many of my own hopes and dreams, absolutely squashed because of what we have had to cut in our lives, just to make ends, come close to meeting. I've watched my relationship become more strained as we try to figure out how to handle the stress of the increased expenses and no increase in income, the stress of working with others that choose to live poor lives, the strain I am placing on him to make some drastic changes to try to salvage not only our relationship but also our finances. I am tired of just the constant work, and paying bills. I want to enjoy life, I want to not be so stressed all the time that my mind is running in this constant vicious cycle. I want more for and from my life. When life here started going down the drain, I began withdrawing from everything and everyone. It's hard to admit. I became a hermit. I became even more calloused and cold than I had already been. Right now, my emotions are raw and very much at the surface. So many that have known me for years, remind me, "this is not you." The sad truth of the matter, is No...this is not me. Sure I love our lifestyle, I love having a little farm and growing/raising our own food, but I miss people. I miss going out dancing, laughing and having fun. I miss having people to my home to just visit. I miss being able to call up a friend and getting together. Being the hermit I have become, is not me. It's not what I want, but it's what has happened.

Having this heightened sense, has been tough. I can feel the walls others put up, I can feel the friction on such a larger scale than most. Feeling emotions so strongly, tends to take me aback. Once I feel something, I tend to withdraw while I work through what the exact feeling is, or what emotion there is behind it. When I sense those emotions, it's like running into a brick wall for me. Years ago, I was able to handle that experience much better. I wasn't so closed off from emotion, I knew how to voice and decipher those emotions, unlike now. It was easy to be able to pick up that sense, and move on. Now, that sense, brings me stress. It's harder to deal with emotions when you have shut them down for so many years. Having such heightened emotions, tends to put me in a position that I need to speak what I am thinking, or it drives me batty. Though, there have been a lot of things lately, I have kept quiet about, even though I know what the outcome is going to be. There are feelings, that I am feeling, that have me tied in knots and even though I want to discuss them, there doesn't seem to be a good time to do so.

Have you ever noticed that there are a couple or maybe more that, when they hug you, you feel like you can face whatever is thrown at you? I have a few that fit that for me. It's like their hugs are the elixir that calms your soul. I was fortunate to get a few of those recently. It was those that went beyond, "I know you are putting on a strong front, but how are you, really?" It was that feeling, that even though you are being strong, they could see right through that facade is seconds...when others don't seem to care to look. You know, the people that can look in your eyes and seem say, "I can see that wall, but when you are ready to let it down, I'll be there." I need one of those hugs today. I need that friendship that says you can say anything you want, I won't judge you, I won't belittle you, and I will pay attention.

Since I know that can't happen, I will wall off these emotions, just as I always have. I will write what I am feeling in the moment, and go back to the everyday motion of getting through with just a few tears...and move on. I will throw myself into a project to derail any more emotion and move on. It's what I do, it's how I am handling most things right now. It's easier to just exist than to push too many buttons, or throw off the very routine that has become the normal. It's easier than explaining why I am experiencing any emotion, when those emotions have caused issue many times over. I will take a few deep breaths, meditate for a few minutes, and pick up my day. I will move through the day, just as I always do. I want to find a better path. I just am not sure how. Eventually the damn will break, it usually does. It will allow my head to clear. Until then, I am carrying those recent hugs with me.

~S~