Coffee Chat

Grab your coffee, this is going to be interesting coffee chat. So much is happening, so many things have happened. It's time to venture into the chaos the has enveloped my mind.

Sometimes, it takes the loss of a loved one to put a few of life's idiocies into perspective. It's a mind opening change to see a different perspective. It can also change the out comes of issues you once saw.

Although the recent loss was not a biological family member, it was my best friends dad. Her parents always had their door open to me, and to so many friends. It was the loss, the visitation and visiting with so many friends and family members that had all crossed paths with a remarkable family that had unconditional love for their children; but also for each of the friends of those children, that once again changed my perspective.

I think when we are young people, we have this very definitive perspective, everything was black and white. There was not much room for any middle ground. We boldly follow the beliefs we are taught, and those examples that are set for us. What we don't realize as young people, is the grey matter or middle ground, is so much bigger that we could possibly have guessed. I, for one, can tell you, as a young person, there was no grey area for me. Everything was pretty cut and dry. If someone did something, they were either right or wrong. There was no room for exploring why that person chose to do what they did. There were no explanations to explain a choice, it was right or wrong.

As I have gotten older, I have learned that the middle road is much larger than, the black and white combined. While the initial reaction to a choice may appear right or wrong, there is usually more to the decision made. Whether it's a lesser of two evils choice, choosing to chase a happiness, or just allowing yourself to be happy; there is always more to a decision and story.

It's a right of passage, I believe, as we get older. The ability to be able to see beyond a surface situation. Unfortunately, that can create a chaos of thoughts, for those that have the ability to be empathetic. Too many times, it's easier for people to choose the road of shutting down emotions or becoming too cold to care about anyone/anything outside of their own issues. Sure, we all can become pretty self-absorbed from time to time, but when you become so desensitized by life, you really miss out. There are people out there, that choose to actually feel their emotions. Some will call them too sensitive, or thin-skinned, but that's really not the case. Those people are the ones that accept what they are feeling, and truly feel. Many of us, have let the harshness of life, desensitize us and make us cold.

The grey area or the middle ground that I mentioned earlier, is something I am seeing so much of anymore. Sure, there are those easy areas that you can make a choice and it's not really a big deal, but I am talking about much bigger choices. The ones that will truly change your life, in one sense or another. Those decisions that really big, and can be a make or break, in any area of your life; career/job, education, or relationships. Occasionally, it's these tough decisions that cause us to have to take a step back, and truly evaluate everything. I am personally looking at several of these, in my own life, right now.

The middle of the road makes you feel a little wishy-washy, if you are like me. I am an action kind of person. I can make a decision, and am ready to take action, most of the time. I'm not good at the sitting around, waiting for something happen game. If I see a problem, I want to fix it...so, I go into analytical mode, and start weighing all odds. Once I find a reasonable solution, I want to jump on it and make it happen, by whatever means is necessary. Now, when it comes to analyzing decisions, the middle of the road is just a starting area. It becomes that diagram with the circle of bubbles with options, or the line charts with arrows pointing from one answer to the next. For me, it includes weighing my odds, through the pros/cons lists. It's mapping everything out on paper until I find a solution that makes sense, fits what we need, or find the lesser of the possible evils. I research, everything! I want facts to work with, not just thoughts, emotions or here-say. I don't handle being blind sided well, and tend to become a massive bitch when I am.

Spending just 4 hours with some great friends, and some of them I consider family, once again, has allowed my mind a clearer path. I am very hard on myself in everything I do, and am. I am critical of my own flaws, never have felt "good enough," for so many of my greatest wishes, desires, or even wants. I have enough flaws I could fill a notebook! However, somethings I realized in the last few days, has been yet another turning point in my journey. Sure I have plenty of flaws, but I have some good qualities that can, at least help weigh out some of the flaws. I'm not an overly judgmental person, and I do tend to look for other areas to explain choices that are made. I look beyond old hurts to try to find answers for decisions that were made, and I don't ever hate any one. I am my own worst critic, without a doubt! I have allowed others to manipulate me, make decisions for me, and use guilt trips to push me where they want me. I have never set very many boundaries with anyone. Sure, the people that have known me most of my life, know how head-strong, determined and stubborn I can be. However, if someone says they need me, it's difficult for me to tell someone "No." I don't ever want anyone to have to experience the hurt, loneliness or sadness that I have known. It's a character flaw. It's who I have been most of my life. I have always tried to be everything to everyone, and I end up being the one hurt in the end. It's my own fault, and I know this. I know I am willing to be the go-to person for everyone, and rarely is there anyone for me to go-to, without some kind of catch.

Most of my long time friends knew the outgoing and very vocal person I was in my younger years. What no one realizes now, is that, even though I would love to be that person again...I'm not, right now. I have become this hermit. One who is most comfortable in or around my home, one who is terrified to drive anywhere, one who feels that every flaw - both emotionally and physically is not only visible but completely repulsive to others. A person who loves to socialize but needs solitude too. All of this while still feeling that if need be, I could take on this world alone, if I had to. Talk about a myriad of emotions! Sure, I can get together with close friends and they help calm the chaos, but there are so few I trust to divulge my deepest emotions, that it's easier to just deal with them alone. I can try to explain them to my husband but he doesn't understand all of what I am trying to tell him and he has his own issues to deal with. I never want to be a burden for anyone, so I keep to myself. I have always been more sensitive than most. I have worn my heart on my sleeve more times than not, and yes it's been torn to shreds. I've listened to friends share their stories, and many of them have situations ten times worse than I do. I'm not unhappy per se, but restless.

I have a free spirit trapped in responsibility driven mind, and a gypsy soul. I have a need to control the life around me, to avoid any hitches, to avoid being hurt, and to avoid being blind sided. I take my responsibilities very serious, but need to remember that life is more than just busting ass and paying bills. I am a worrier. I don't handle not having answers, or not being able to fix a problem, if it should come up unexpectedly. I need measured stimulation, until I can dig out of being the hermit I have become. Do I like being at home all day everyday? Not on your life! I need to be out doing things, but that comes after taking care of responsibilities. After the responsibilities, and the emotional drain of day after day slipping by, and still being a hermit; I am too drained to make the changes I know need to be made. It has become a mundane existence, and there is more to life...I know, I have experienced so much more! I spent 15 minutes in a mall this weekend, it was the most out of character thing I have done in forever...and guess what? IT WAS FUN! I didn't spend a dime, and many of the stores were closing but I don't go to malls! I hate shopping. However, taking the short amount of time, to just sight see was amazing. I felt more alive than I had in years. Being in the rush of bigger towns, although a bit mind boggling, brought life back to me. Sure, it was frustrating having to locate places and not remembering how to get around, but it was still a rush of excitement.

It was a reminder that I had been there and done that...it has just been many years. Those kinds of things aren't things I need to do regularly, but it was a reminder that there is life out there, and I could live it, if I so chose. It was a reminder that I can be a "people person," when I need to be. It was facing several fears, and learning that I am limiting myself because of fear. Spending 11 hours on the road, so I could be with my best friend and one of the families I adopted as my own, for a few hours,was priceless to me. None of those fears meant anything, when it came to being with those I love. The unconditional love that family showed each other, and all of us that spent time with them, helped to make me who I am. The memories of things we did, the times we had all together, and the 25 years since; are worth more to me than anyone could possibly know!

All of this is just another reminder of how short life really is, what true friends are worth, and how much of an impact others can have on your life. It's a reminder of that memories can resurface in an instant to remind us of what is important. It's a reminder of how people with good and kind hearts can truly make a difference to others.

The interesting part of all of this now comes into play, how to differentiate between fear, real, worry and what can be fixed, changed or made better. How to make the necessary changes, to make life better. Can it be done? I'm sure it can, somehow. Having experienced so much restlessness over the years, the result has been to fear everything. Taking those necessary steps out of my own comfort zone, has become a must. The restlessness is a result of subduing my own needs in lew of making everything better for everyone else. I know this, but changing it, has become the hard part.

It's interesting to think about the possibilities, but without making a conscience effort, all it is is a wish. I need to find a way to keep my own needs met, while still being what I can to others. My heart has a giving nature, so it's difficult to tell someone no when they need something. There in poses a conflict when others are asking for more than they are giving and I, myself, won't ask for what I need.

Experiencing the middle road of so many thoughts, I'm learning that the grey area is so much larger than I ever believed. It covers every aspect of life. While some decisions may seem wrong, or far fetched...they may be the catalyst to what is needed. Some decisions may seem rushed or out of character, but we don't always know the thought or situation in which a decision has been made. It's important to remember not to judge a book by its cover. There is so much more depth, if you are willing to look. There is so much more meaning, behind every decision made, that many of us may not realize.

Thank you all, again, for being my venting posts, especially in these coffee chats.

Salli