It's amazing to think of the different paths each of us must take to find our own directions. The people we meet, the geographic locations we cross and the very thoughts we think. I'm certain my own journey is no more significant than any other, but it's been remarkable to me. It's been full of hills, curves, loops and crevices. I've taken my readers on my journey for part of it. There have been several very dark corners encountered, and a lot of dark thoughts to work through. However, find my way out of that spiritual awakening has given me quite an amazing new path.
This "coming towards the light," time for me, has been hell. Although I talk to my husband about nearly everything, there are some thoughts I could never put words to, to make them come out right. There were times it took a tremendous effort to not run away from everything, when I felt I could no longer deal with it. He was patient and tried to understand, but until you find yourself in that hole, you can't understand. Until you have faced your demons, your fears, and your decisions, you really must accept your journey. However it may be presented to you. My journey included some poor decisions, some life altering situations I had to accept and deal with, and accepting people for who and what they really were.
When you given such a magnitude of situations, crashing down on you, it becomes overwhelming. In my case, it was years of situations, years of not dealing with them, and more emotions than I had dealt with in years. For the largest part of 29 years, I buried emotions. I held them within me, didn't show any more than I had to, and didn't want to deal with them. They made me feel vulnerable, and that was not something I was prepared to allow. By withdrawing as I did, I turned to controlling things, instead of things controlling me. It was easier to be the one to be strong, withdrawn, and cold. There were a handful of relationships that meant anything to me, and when they were rocky, I put up the proverbial walls. Years of turning off emotions, led to my own crash.
Over the course of many years, turning off emotions became easy. It was easy to be cold and distant. It was easy to be the one to walk away instead of the one to be walked away from. Honestly, it was easier to be the one not getting hurt. I hid emotions behind anger, aloofness, rebellion, and control. There were, as I said, only a handful, that ever saw much emotion from me. The few that did, were the ones I still trust today. Trust is not something I do easily. While some kids of divorce will tell you they can and do trust; I am one of those kids that went the other way. I became self-sufficient, I became withdrawn, I learned how to turn off emotion like a switch. I can still withdraw from a situation, and see it from an outside perspective.
I'm too old to place any of my current "flaws" on my parents because of their divorce, but I'm old enough to know that, kids grow up to reflect how they are raised and what fits into their lives as adults. Yes, my parents divorced killed my childhood, changed my entire view of life, relationships, and trust. However, as an adult, it was my job to create myself as a separate entity from my parents. Even though I did that when I ventured off on my own, it wasn't until my journey that I began to deal with some of the scars that came about from the ages of 11 until I broke away at 23. It took until that point to begin to find who I was. Then, I began changing to adapt to whatever situation I was in. Not all the changes were good, but not all bad either.
It took seeing several situations in my life, to see a pattern that not only resembled the one my parent's took, but one I was making as well. I didn't want that. I wanted to change the mold. I wanted to be a good person, a good parent, a good wife, and good at everything I did. I hate gossip, liars, and backstabbing. I dealt with too much of that. I wanted to be around good people, honest people, and people that held the same values and morals that I had developed. I learned I wanted to be around people that could grow my intelligence, grow my confidence, and were where I wanted to go in life. Unfortunately, there are some people that put on a good enough show, that you come across that are not even close to what you believe them to be. After a few of those, it hit me pretty hard that I couldn't see their true character.
It's unfortunate when you are faced with more a shit ton of issues, and it causes you to begin questioning everything you think, feel and believe. It's sad when someone you placed a trust in after several years, completely obliterates that trust in just a few hours. It became more than I knew how to handle. It sent me spiraling into the darkest place, I had ever been in, in my life. It became one of the most soul and spiritual awakenings of my life.
I have made it past the darkest days. I made it to see a brighter and more promising time. Sure, there are still areas I need to work on, but I don't dread waking up each day to see what new problem was going to be thrown at me. I am not dreading the "what if's" in my life anymore. I am not harboring any ill feelings towards anyone anymore. I have faced several demons that haunted me. I have learned how to face them, and release them to the universe. I have grown and matured a lot in the last 4 years. I am happy with direction I am heading now. I am sure of where I want to go with my life. I am proud of myself for dealing with this stage of my life in the best way I knew how.
This incredible journey through life, is a maze. I don't think there is really any true, right or wrong direction, but the direction we choose to take. That journey could be filled with hills, curves, good and bad; but it's the overall journey it's self that allows our spirit to fly, grow, learn and become more alive. It's through this incredible journey of mine, that I am learning what I want, what I need, and the people I want to include in my life. It's this journey that has helped determine the path I need to take, to fulfill my own needs in life.
While being selfish, is not something I have allowed myself. I have always put other peoples needs above my own. This is an area that I am still working on, but I do understand now, that you can keep giving when you are running on empty. I know my remarkable journey so far, is just beginning, but I also know the darkest days of my life are now past me. I remembered who I was, beneath the demands and needs of others. I accept and celebrate my uniqueness and free spirit. Accepting a part of yourself that has been buried for so long, is tough. I tried to be the proper wife, mom, etc. I buried the very person I was and liked to fit a mold that is not me. I will always put my children first, that's part of being a mom, but I am not always proper or even appropriate. I still love to dance, have a few drinks, and have to keep my wilder side somewhat tamed. I know it's there though, and it's not too far beneath the surface. My temper is still fully intact and simmering, also just below the surface. I'm letting go of what no longer serves me, what doesn't fit the path I am on, and the things/people that bring me stress and lower my vibrational energy.
I am doing for myself, what I should have done all along: I am listening to instinct. This incredible journey is getting lighter by by the day. My incredible journey is taking the steps, even when I can't see the entire staircase.
Feeling freed,
Salli
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