Good morning, to my readers. This morning I want to have a little coffee chat. There is so much going on, Winter has reared it's head, and a multitude of areas that have me in deep thought. I hope you have your coffee pot going, and a cup in hand!
Where on Earth do I begin? For awhile, I could get on my social media news feed, and it was great. I would catch up with family and friends, and we'd share pictures and stories. Now, you get on there and it's an ambush of advertisements, a political firestorm of one candidate or another, bashing people or groups, the horribly biased news stories and very little "news" from those I care to keep in touch with. It's become depressing to get online. My inbox is full of political crap from both parties, my news feeds are full of B.S. I have no interest in, friends are bashing other friends because of political, medical, or lifestyle choices, and everyone seems to be stressed, sick, or depressed. Am I the only one that is seeing this? Am I the only one this is pissing off?
I don't care who people plan to vote for, everyone is entitled to vote for whom they feel would best suit their situation. Years ago, it was a subject that was not talked about. I can remember my grandparents saying that who they voted for was no one's business. That is my opinion as well. I will vote for whomever I feel is best for my own, personal situation. Not whom the media loves/hates, not whom some industry decides is best, and not whom someone in my social circle decides is the best. Personally, I think they are all liars, and choosing the lesser of evils is getting old. The majority of them making laws for all of us to follow, choose not to follow those laws, they all like to tell "the people" what they think will get them elected and then they sell out to some corporation anyway. They break laws, they cheat, they lie, they manipulate "the people" and for some stupid reason...some of these losers have been in office more than 10 years. Whatever. I do my American duty, and vote...but who I vote FOR, is no one elses business.
The medical side of life, is almost as repressed as politics! You have folks bashing others for treatments that work, forms of medicine, and even so far as the choices people make to vaccinate or not. Really?! Here's a thought, when there are treatments out there, that have been PROVEN to cure a disease, and it's made illegal or has to be in quiet because of shaming; there is a problem! We all know how expensive healthcare, medicine and medical treatment has become. We have been spoon fed, Western medicine. I grew up with one parent not ever going to the doctor, and the other going often. I have a serious distrust of medicine. I spent the better part of 10 years on allergy medicine, and being sick on a regular basis. I was to the point of having to take weekly allergy shots(that needed to be daily), taking antibiotics at least every 6 weeks...and was not getting better. Guess what? Western medicine is all about masking symptoms, not CURING the problem. If they actually cured a disease, they would loose business and most importantly money. Think about it. If they told you that 99% of all dis-ease could be cured with diet, raw and real food, it would cost them billions, at least! However, it's true! No, it's not going to fix all that ails you, over the course of a 7 day treatment, but you did not get sick overnight either! Most of illnesses people experience, comes on beginning with bad diets, over the course of years. Then you mix in the over zealousness of being clean freaks, throw in stress, and yes, current prescriptions...and you have a recipe for DIS-EASE. Our bodies, under the right conditions, are made to heal themselves. However, if we are not giving our bodies the fuel they need to fight the dis-ease, voila...you have illness symptoms. Then you go to a doctor, are given some diagnosis, and a prescription for some time of medication, and within 7 days; your symptoms are covered up. You know, the sad part? That's all it is. It's a cover up. The medicine does nothing more than mask the true illness. On the other hand, you have traditional or holistic medicine. You know, the type that has been practiced, some of from millions of years ago, that is shamed. Treating the whole person, and the symptoms as a whole. Tracking the symptoms to find the underlying problem, and fixing that problem instead of covering it up! Some of these "alternative" methods use herbs, diet and environment as a cure...but they can't tell you that. Western medicine has become so powerful that it withholds the true cures, and has fictitious scientific results fabricated to sell you more prescription drugs. Many of those drugs are for one problem, yet by taking those drugs, you are creating a handful of new problems. I hear so many tell me they can't afford to ear raw, organic foods. My first thought is always, "really? can you afford cancer?" Here's another kick in the ass. Your traditional healthcare insurance, 9 times out of 10, will not cover holistic or alternative medicine. So, rather than helping you truly get better, with better healthcare, they are keeping you sick and costing you, the state/federal healthcare programs, more money. What they don't tell you? The first step in getting healthy, is to change your diet! Quit counting calories, quit buying into the fat free/no fat crap, quit buying into the "natural" labels. All these things mean is that the dynamics of these foods have been altered, usually by chemicals, which you need to avoid! Raw, organic, unbleached, unprocessed foods; will inevitably begin your road to better health. Like I said earlier, it will not happen overnight...you didn't get sick overnight! One of the newer fights is with medical marijuana. While I have always stayed away from illegal drugs, this is not a drug folks. This is a weed/herb. This was outlawed because the Western medicine could not patent it and make money from it. This was outlawed because it cures diseases, not masks them! Western medicine can not make money from a cured disease. It's a pretty simple concept. I do not agree with the smoking of it, since the majority of benefits come from its oil, but smoking it does help when there isn't anything else available. I'm not going to get too much into the vaccine chaos, but from personal experience...It's dangerous! After almost losing my youngest to an "allergy" for the base of all vaccines, and watching my oldest suffer through horrible allergies and illnesses for a long time...I do not trust them, and refuse to subject my children to anymore of them. They are too precious to me to be used as experiments! If vaccines are so effective, those vaccinated would not be affected by any illness my non-vaccinated children would get!
Another medical are that irks me, is the constant labeling and inventing of new disease to sell more medication! The one that ticks me off most, is one that I first heard of about 5 years ago, or so. It's called "Seasonal Affective Disorder." Yep, you now have a disease, and are given medication for the Winter blahs. SAD as it's called, is nothing more being more tired because of a lack of sunlight, being more down because the nights are longer, and feeling stir crazy because you can't get outdoors as much. So, they give you a medication for depression. One, as all state, that could cause feelings of worthlessness, suicidal thoughts and death. Sounds like a great cure to me(insert sarcasm here!). Have any of you read the warning labels on your medicines? They are down right disturbing! To fix whatever is ailing you, they could cost you your life at worst, and cause a multitude of other side effects at best. There seems to be so many prescriptions taken, so much money being spent and for what? So, you can keep living a life that is full of crap food, costly and ineffective medicine, and living without intention. Doesn't make an ounce of sense to me, even though I lived that way for the first half of my life. Since then, I have educated myself, and questioned everything. While I try to keep most controversial stuff to myself, I will not argue something I have no proof on. So, keep that in mind.
My curiosity is always in full motion. I always question everything, and I always have a plethora of questions. However, lately, I'm seeing a bit differently on some areas. Unfortunately, for many years, I was very narrow minded when it came to relationships, love, marriage, and they whole fairy tale of romance. I guess, until very recently, I had become the skeptic. I wasn't able to find a middle ground really. Most of my regular readers know, the past year, was filled with a lot of divorces among friends and family, in my life. It was filled with too many mixed emotions to count and a renewed skepticism in relationships as a whole. I'm still on a ledge with the whole "forever" thing. I don't believe in forever, in anything. I do however, believe that we have moments that help us to move closer to our purpose. I believe that everyone we meet, is meant to be in our lives, in one sense or another...even if it's not "forever." From a child's eyes, I saw what affairs did to a marriage. I grew up seeing what holding a marriage together for the children was like. I grew up with fighting, arguements, and seeing what alcoholism looked like. I grew up with step-parents that I didn't approve of or agree with. I swore, I would never put my children through what I went through. I grew up knowing that even if my own marriage was falling apart, I would do whatever necessary to make sure they knew it was not their fault, that my own kids would never be forced to take care of each other while the parents did their own thing, they would never have to live with constant fighting or bad mouthing by one parent or the other, and that there would never be people raising my children besides their dad and I. I was starchly against affairs, and saw absolutely no reason for them. I always said that if there was unhappiness by one or both of the adults that it would make more sense to just divorce rather than to stay married and end up hating each other, I never wanted to be one of those parents that was so miserable that my kids became the reason I stayed in a bad marriage. I was stronger than my parents, or so I believed. I was a better parent, a better person, more dedicated, more whatever; than my parents. Guess what?! That's not what it was even about. It's not a matter of being better, having more morals or even a different outlook. It's about doing the best you can, doing what you feel is right, being the best you can be...for you AND your kids.
I took a pretty hard left turn. I became a MAJOR skeptic in relationships and marriages, as a whole. My own marriage has been a roller coaster ride, of epic proportions. It's had some major negatives, and some massive positives. It's had arguing, fighting, loving, caring, being distant and being tight. It's had times I could have easily walked away and never looked back, but it's had times when I could imagine my life without my husband. However, even as independent as I am, I want someone in my life that wants to be there. I don't ever want to have to dependent on anyone, but having the trust in another person to be there, if you need them, is a little refreshing. I have fought to keep my independence. I have fought to not be like my parents. I have fought to not become a statistic of the generation of divorce. Although I know divorce has been around for a long time, growing up, my parents were part of a generation that got divorced, and a few went through it multiple times. My parents were the first I knew of in my class, to divorce. It was devastating. It changed me, and the direction I went with life. I floundered to find my way after their divorce. I didn't really fit anywhere for a long time...if ever. I am different than most, I know that. I didn't fit with my mom, we fought a lot. I didn't fit with my dad anymore, he had a new girlfriend to keep his time. Several friends no longer spoke to me because they didn't know how to deal with my parents being divorced. I was the oldest child, and expected to always set a "good example" for the younger ones. So, anytime I did anything that was not "right," I got the guilt trips, and told to quit acting like one parent or the other. So, accepting that some of the friends I was closest to, didn't want to be around me anymore, was eye opening. Accepting that no matter what I did, it was going to be wrong in the eyes of one parent or the other. So, I acted out. While I was usually responsible, I did what I could to get their attention. Whether it was sneaking around to do something I was told not to, or playing the game of being what each set of parents expected of me when I was with one or the other. I was rebellious, but not. I never did drugs, but I did drink some. I spent most of my time with 2 of my best friends in high school, dancing and being involved in school activities. After high school, I bought the whole, "forever and fairy tale," Bullshit. I got married right out of high school to a guy who treated me good, but we were too young and I was too expectant to make it last. I wanted the fancy wedding, the fairy tale romance, the high school sweetheart crap. It wasn't meant to be though. He was a nice guy, decent to me, but it would never have worked. There were a lot of issues that neither of us were ready to deal with. However, I don't hate him, never did. I just couldn't see it lasting...so I left. I was lucky to meet several great people between my first marriage and my second. Some turned out to be major problems, but a few will always hold a piece of my heart. I can only think of 2 people I dated, that I have quit talking to, completely. One because of drugs and physical abuse. The other, just because he wasn't meant to be in my life. I don't believe in jealousy, there fore, I don't understand when a few have stated that their girlfriends/wives didn't want them talking to me. In my eyes, I've been there, done that, it didn't work...I won't be trying it again!
With all the experience and "don't want to do that agains," I have learned a lot about my own views. I'm not narrow minded anymore. My views include more grey areas, than black/white. I no longer believe affairs have to end a marriage...even though it does end a level of trust. I don't believe that arguments are really all bad or good...they clear the air and maybe open a door for discussion. I think communication, intelligence, and open mindedness are highly attractive. While looks may be what draws you into a relationship, it absolutely must include something so much bigger. I think too many people step into relationships when children are involved from another relationship, with a need to replace the other other parent, or at least make themselves try to look better. Not necessarily conscientiously, but in an attempt to establish themselves as an authoritative figure. Especially when the children, go out of their way to show their dislike or them or the situation. I don't believe in one spouse or another saying who one can talk to. That is control, jealousy and a self esteem issue in my eyes. I don't believe in fairy tales, but I do want to believe in romance and a marriage that is more than comfortable companionship. I think people that really make an effort with each other can have the romance, fun, deep conversations, and connections. I think love and marriage can be a beautiful thing, when it's right. I don't believe that relationships have to be so taxing, they cause more stress than happiness, if it's with the right person. I don't believe that all relationships are meant to be for forever. I believe we are given moments of time, when the people in our lives, are meant to be there. Even though, that may not always be the case.
Having spent several years now, trying to find the source of my restlessness, and trying to find not only my way but also where I fit...has been a huge struggle. I was taken to my knees by a friendship that was not two-sided, and that was the straw that broke the camels back, initially. Someone I trust, used me, and couldn't understand what upset me. While that was NOT the beginning of a self-discovery mission, it was a big turning point. It threw me into a several year battle with some pretty dark emotions. It left me feeling used, betrayed, and cynical all over again. As I thought I was finding my way out of that mess, I had another situation just recently, that was truly that catalyst that pushed me back to the mind set of just being me. There is a pretty deep well of thoughts, emotions and personality traits; that make me who I am. Finding that even though I get angry, and hold a grudge; doesn't change the fact that I still care and have some compassion. Being upset and taking the time I need to find the right words, has become a necessity to me. Too many times, I have spoke before thinking and ended up regretting it later. I am a bit of a free spirit, gypsy, and loner. I love to dance, but I love to sit in the quiet and read. I love being with groups of friends, but I love one-on-one time too. I am overall, a positive person, but I won't deny having some negative thoughts as well. I don't care what people think of me, but it bothers me to hear rumors about myself that are either cmplete crap or only half truths. Speaking of which, I HATE lies. I may not want to hear the truth, and you may not either; but I'm going to speak the truth as I know it, and expect the same respect. I love to have some adventures, and explore new areas...but I need a home base. I don't really fit in any one area anymore. I'm not the town/city kid I was growing up, and I'm not exactly the farmer/homesteader that I live now. I'm a little of both and a little of neither. I can find my way in any situation, once I get past the affects of making a change. As I said, I have had to accept so much about who I really am, away from who I have been expected to be. I'm a little wild, a little spirited, a little lady, a little rough, a little city and a little country. I hate labels, and one sided stories.
So, as one-sided stories goes, you all have gotten the "my side" of the story for several years now. While I do try to keep names out of this blog, and give credit where it's due. You all are reading this from my perspective. While I can't always give someone else's perspective; I do try. I am a difficult or complicated person. I have very high expectations, and not very many have ever lived up to them. Are they too much? Probably, but I wouldn't ask for what I wouldn't return. I tend to straddle the fence on issues, and try to see both sides. Even if there is no "second side." I would love to be a care free person, willing to try anything once, but even that thought gives me anxiety! I have a huge sense of responsibility, and a tremendous sense of being fair. I am not ever care free, and usually am stressing about something that just a thought. I put my children above and beyond everyone and everything else, including myself and my husband. I want my marriage to work, to be romantic, to be one of those "forever" loves like my grandparents had, but I also know the roller coaster we have experienced, and know that nothing is forever. I want to learn how to let go of some of the resentment, anger and disappointments that have happened in my life; even though I have no idea how. I want to feel loved, valued and most of all cherished; although I know my husband does try. I want to have the time, money and energy to have girls nights out, a weekend away with my husband, a family vacation, or even just a picnic under the stars without stress. I'm a pretty low maintenance person. I don't like the brand new vehicles, I'm not a fan of jewelry, I love our small home but wish it had fewer walls to separate us, my ideas of fun are relatively no cost. While for obvious reasons, there are some things I would love to be able to do that are not kid friendly, and others that are. I wish I had a little time away from my kids every once in a while, but I love having them with me.
I am working on some thoughts lately that have had me distressed. I believe it's one of the last areas of self-reflection I have kind of put off. It's hard to face your own bad habits, poor thoughts, and areas that go against everything you once believed. Reconnecting with some old friends has opened my mind to how rigid my thoughts were years ago. The hard truth is, some of those thoughts have become even more rigid, while others have become too lenient. It's a constant effort to become the best "you" you can be. It's a real struggle when you know something is wrong or off, and can't find the source.
Thank you all for giving me an outlet for the constant thoughts racing through my head. More productive blogs are coming this month. Hope you all enjoy them!
Salli
No comments:
Post a Comment