Coffee Chat - End April

What a crazy few months this has been! The next few months look to be just as insane! There is so much always going on in our lives, that sometimes it's hard to explain everything, without upsetting some. Our lives run on multiple plans, every single day. Although many times, our days are chaotic and run together, they are never the same twice.

Many who read my blog, know my belief in the energies that surround everything. I can tell you that the energy surrounding most aspects of our lives, have become very negative over the past several years. The best way I know how to describe this is: it's like a giant black cloud has taken up residency over our home, and lives. The struggle of getting through a day at a time, juggling finances, juggling kids schooling, juggling livestock, juggling extended family and everything in between has become the dark abyss we have been living through. As most negative energy does, it sucks so much life out of you. It interferes in relationships, sleep patterns, and life in general. Unfortunately, like so many, you don't know really how to fix it.

You can see it happening, you can feel the emotional changes, you can see the health changes the stresses are causing, yet you don't know how or where to start, to fix everything that has gotten out of control. For me, I am a writer. I am constantly writing in my journals, and trying to iron out details, emotions, or trying to find a path out of the turmoil. I believe that some turmoil is a necessary evil though. We don't appreciate the constant sunny days until we have a few rainy ones. I also believe that some lessons must be learned through some harsh conditions. Some of us are too stubborn to see the forest through the trees.

When stress takes on a life of its own, it can become so over powering that people, like myself, just withdraw. It becomes too difficult to express, the thoughts, emotions and feelings; that it becomes easier to withdraw into oneself, and avoid outside noise. This has become my repertoire. It's difficult to talk through the issue when you can not put thoughts, emotions, and feelings into words; or you have to limit conversations to avoid saying more than some need to know.

In my life, I am the talker/writer. I will write or talk until I can find a path that will work. My husband is not either. He internalizes almost everything. You can mentally see the gears turning in head, you can feel the changes in his attitude or personality but he will not talk about anything until he feels he has everything figured out. Although I, too, withdraw...I have a few that I can talk to that I do tend to lean on. Those amazing people, they are cursed with the real me. ;) They get to hear all about the good, bad, ugly and sometimes very cold emotions that go through my head. I write almost continuously. Whether it's working through thoughts and emotions in my journals, crunching numbers to juggle whatever financials need to be met, or sharing what is/has worked for my life...that may help someone else.

Being the person I am, usually causes me great stress. I love to help people, I hate when others work hard and get shit on, I don't do the gossip thing, much to my dismay...I am usually loyal to everyone and very few ever return that loyalty. I am fiercely independent, and live my life how I feel is best to live it. I am spiritual but not religious. I take great pride in knowing my ancestors are walking with me on the spiritual side, giving a pretty bold nudge when necessary to keep me on my chosen path. For many years, I had lost my way. I was dead set on choosing a path that fit a physical norm, as opposed to staying true to my spiritual path. That changed nearly 4 years ago, when the spiritual side of myself was revealed to me the darkest emotional state I had ever been in. It was during that time, I was returning to person I was meant to be. Unfortunately, it took some pretty traumatic and emotional hits to bring me back to neutral ground, to begin again. Since then, I have begun again. I have focused on my intuition and truly feeling the lessons being thrown at me. It's not been easy, or even close! There were some pretty hidden areas of my life that I had to face.

Since this time of growing occurred, I have accepted that the energies all around us, must be acknowledged. That can be pretty intimidating for someone who has basically run from too much emotion for over 30 years. Although I buried emotions for so long, I have had to relearn their feeling, and relearn to voice them. It became too easy to close off everything too painful to face, and become a very cold, untrusting, and somewhat self-absorbed person. It was easier to be the one to walk away, then to deal with the emotion of having someone else be the one to walk away. You have heard me refer to the emotional switch I have had for so many years, I could turn them on or off, in the blink of an eye. Even though it was mostly off, those emotions became buried...not gone. So many years of burying emotions, came back to me, in a tidal wave. I can honestly say, it almost drowned me. Had it not been for my journals and this blog; I don't think I would have come through it as strong and sure as I did.

This big, black energy that has enveloped our family and home the last few years, has come to an end. The negative energy is still in place, but we are taking steps to remove ourselves from it's shadow. It's not easy, it's not even close. It's required a lot of logistics, a lot of thought and conversation, and it's going to require some massive effort on the part of our family. It's terrifying to know the plan, know the logistics and yet, not know the end result. However, I have to follow the path laid before us. It's been a pretty clear path, so far. Even the few bumps in the road, have been learning experiences. It's allowed me to grow not only mentally, but physically and emotionally too. As I said, it's terrifying and exciting, but necessary. My own personally growth, is increasing every single day, and our family is growing as a unit, as well.

There have been too many areas of our life, that the emotional energy has flat-lined. Areas that have caused more issues than solutions, and driven wedges where there should never be wedges. When the energies surrounding us become so negative that the wedges are placed within a family unit; it's time to make major changes. When so many outside negative energies infiltrate your personal energy; it become necessary to find neutral ground again.

My personal energy has come back to life. Even though there are some serious changes on the horizon, my energy is increasing. My energy is becoming lighter and more hopeful. The constant contrasting energies right now, is exhausting. They won't remain that way for long, and I have been giving a glimpse of the positive energy that is to come.

I know that I am going to be ok. I know that family will be ok. I also know, that we will be guided by our spiritual loved ones. Times of changes can be stressful, and cause some degree of uncertainty. Through meditation and prayer, everything will be as it is meant to be.

Salli

Ignorance is NOT Bliss!

To be clear, just because you don't know something or don't care to know...does not mean it's not there. It does not mean, you are exempt from whatever it may be. It means you are unaware, or ignorant of the issue. I'm sure to flak for that statement, however, it couldn't be more true.

There are a million belief systems in the world. These range from financial beliefs, to religious beliefs, and everything in between. So much of the media circus today, is based on what is "normal, or accepted beliefs." The trials come into play when not everyone carries the same beliefs. When someone follows their own beliefs, so many are quick to judge and belittle. Rather than accepting those beliefs, understanding that although they may be different or foreign, it doesn't make them right or wrong. Unless of course they are hurting someone else.

The world has become a vicious cycle of the he said/she said game, playing on fears, and everyone having a need to be "right." In my opinion, only a fool pretends to know everything. There are so many, that are doing the best they can, with what they have to work with. There are many that take up the reigns, and are willing to attempt to learn or understand, what they can...about what they don't know.

When so many are judging, they are neglecting their own paths. We are in the midst of a chaotic election process. The media circus is playing to fears, and whomever is paying the most money to look good. We have yet another election, of choosing the lessor of evils. Not to mention, the shady dealings of our political figures, their wayward behaviors, and the extremism of their views. Each has their own agenda, all of which are perverting our law of the land, to whatever they feel. A government set up to break away from the rule of England over 200 years ago, to avoid the outrageous taxes, and to allow the citizens to be in control...has been effectively perverted over many years. The government was meant to protect our safety, not rule our lives. Now, we have laws, regulations and fines; that are not including our political parties...but are pushed down the throats of our citizens. These righteous, self-important, and dangerous officials; through many years, have ruined everything the founding fathers worked so hard to achieve. The elected officials, over many years, have successfully slated race against race, financial class against financial class, and have promoted the welfare system as a way of life, instead of its intended purpose...to be a hand up, if times got tough. Now, the working class pay high taxes, and barely make ends meet. The rich are trapped in a game of profits, while not giving 2 cents interest in the means in which those profits are made. Those on the welfare system, can't afford to get off it. They make more being on it, then they can make, to try to improve themselves. You have constant battles over racial rights, and the inequality of race, nationality, and even women. It's frustrating to be part of a group of people that fall through the cracks. The ones that work hard, do not ever get help, and then to be fined if you don't spend more than you make in a month on health insurance. It's frustrating and frankly, it pisses me off.

Although this blog is not meant to be political, politics have a way now of playing into everything. The beliefs of so many, is that the government will take care of the problems, or they will won't do anything that goes against the law of our land. WRONG! They have been doing this for so many years, that the citizens have become blind to it.

Venturing into many new areas in my own life, has reminded me how much I don't know. It has been a true eye opening experience, to have to learn all the tricks, when I am a pretty up front and honest person. I am not good at playing games, and lying is not on my radar. I am not good at it, and I don't do it. I'm loyal as the day is long, but that isn't the case with many any more. Most only have a loyalty to themselves anymore. I hate gossip, and anyone that gossips around me, is usually not around me long. There are many areas that have altered as I grew up, got married, had kids and have now reached my 40's. My tolerance for people whom don't meet my standards, is almost non-existent. I don't accept liars, cheats, pushy/obnoxious people into my life. I expect people to have some intelligence, that are open minded, and will be honest and loyal. People usually get a single chance with me. Once it's proven that they can't measure up; I will be nice, but I won't be around those people or ever trust them again. I know who I am, and what I have to offer. I am also content with not being around others, when they don't meet my standards. It doesn't make either person good or bad, it just means I choose to be in control of whom I let into my life, and who I don't.

Some of my newest ventures are proving to be a challenge I was completely unprepared for. Although some areas, had been seen for awhile, others...not so much. There are times when a monkey wrench gets thrown into your path, and I believe that happens to push you out of a self imposed comfort zone. It's a not-so-subtle way to remind us we are on a mission for a much higher power. This does NOT mean it's easy, comforting or even makes sense. It simple means that the path we are on has run its course, and now it's time to get on the path of our higher mission. Every single wall we run into, is meant to increase our vibrational energy. It's meant to make us grow, as a person. Sometimes, the person you have chosen to be your life partner, is included in your journey. It's the trials and tribulations of your paths, that will either improve your partner connection or will break it. If it improves your connection, then the moments of time you are together is solidified for a few more moments.

As moments go, they change and evolve as time goes on. Time is evolving for all of us, but in my own household...it's become a time of great trials. With great trials, come great change, and if all goes well...a great new path. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. That being said, I can hope the reasons are bettering for us. These new trials have been stressing, frustrating and rough. Having to make hard choices, learn so much that was unknown, and find the best paths; has been tedious and mind-boggling! Learning the games that are played now, has been horrible! I like upfront, honest and real...and so far, I haven't seen much of that.

I live my life as real and true as can be. I don't share every aspect about my life, but I am true and loyal. I am not one that will lie to anyone, when someone shares something with me, it never goes any further. I am a mom, first and foremost. My kids and their well-being, will come above everyone and everything else, always! I am a wife. While we are a great team, we have plenty of differences and therefore plenty of going nose-to-nose, over our own ideas. My family, is my number 1 priority through everything. I will do whatever is necessary to make sure my family has what they need, and is safe and protected. I am a hard person to get to know, because I play my own cards very close to my chest. I do not trust easily, and when I am stressed; I withdraw from the world. I will withdraw, until I can come to grips with whatever is stressing me. This has been the case, more and more, over the past few years. The stresses are piling up, the solutions are pushing me beyond my coping/comfort limits, and even though I would love to be able to share all of them; I can't. I am a talker. I need conversation to help iron out my thoughts to make them make sense. Unfortunately, the thoughts flying through my head must be dealt with silently, so it's taking a lot longer than normal. I suppose when the right solution presents itself, I will be able to make sense of everything.

I'm going to end this blog, with my inspiration that helps me through each day. "Whether you believe you can or can't, either way you are right."
~Salli

Coffee Chat

Good Morning, my online friends! It's been kind of a chaotic time in my life, and I can't quite share everything, just yet, but everything is a positive move towards the future of my family and myself. I'm cautiously optimistic and hopeful, for several great opportunities that have been presented to us.

With that being said, there have been a lot of areas of education thrown in for me. Areas that I have never dealt with. So, as always, I have taken to educating myself about what I did not know. That has been interesting. Although there is a lot that I did not know, I am learning on the run! Sometimes, the most unexpected and far-fetched thoughts, become reality. Then, you are thrown into a human sized divot of making what can work, work...and figuring out how to climb out! Even with the feeling of entrapment of being in that divot, there is so much brightness, you get busy and figure out how to climb out.

I spent nearly 3 years in what I refer to as a really dark hole in my life. I was betrayed, lied to, felt unhappy, strangled by my own sensitivities, and ultimately left feeling alone to deal with the life I was living. This was a very dark, emotional and negative time in my life. I never want to go back to that place again! Although, it was a massive time of reckoning for me. It was a time of facing my own demons from the past, facing the negatives of my life now, and rediscovering not only my independence but also my weaknesses. In my eyes, weakness equals vulnerability; but that's not always a bad thing. We all have vulnerabilities, it's how we handle them that makes or breaks us. Instead of trying to hide every flaw, or doing the negative self talking about how other people have better anything, I had to take a long, hard look at myself. My flaws and the areas that I wasn't proud of, actually made me who I am. They made me strong, determined, compassionate, forgiving, and yes, even stubborn. They also made me vulnerable, open to empathic negativity and it opened the door to allow those into my live that didn't measure up to my standards.

All of that has changed now. I have accepted that I am demanding, strong willed(stubborn), have high expectations and plenty of weaknesses too! I have unconventional thoughts and run my life, my way. I will argue my beliefs if necessary but would rather avoid arguments if possible. Too many people argue, but they do it to not only get their thoughts heard, but they end up saying or doing things they regret later. Then not only are their thoughts not heard, but they have hurt those they care about, and sometimes that hurt, can never be healed.

I am strong. I learned to take care of my siblings from a very young age, I had to learn to handle my parents divorcing when I was 11, I had my first love and heartbreak at 15, found my first stress reliever of dancing at 15, found my 2 closest friends at the same time. I faced an assault of my body alone, battled with bulimia on my own, married a great friend but neither of us was mature enough to deal with real life so it ended in divorce and has since resulted in the loss of the friendship as well. I have dealt with my own cancer, had 2 amazing kids, married a great guy(even when we butt heads), and have built a life I don't want a vacation from. In 41 years, I have seen and done enough to know, there isn't anything I can't do...once I put my mind to it!

There is something to be said having to face so much adversity from such a young age. Although I have always been head-strong, everything I have dealt with, has made not only a better person but an even stronger person. The 3 year blip on my radar, of being in such a dark place, to me was just a reminder of how strong I really am. It was also a wake up call, to remind me who would always be there for me...and who wouldn't. It's hard to accept that someone can pull the wool over your eyes so much, that you can't see their true self, but for someone who doesn't play games...you expect the same from those you associate with.

As I have effectively pulled myself out of that dark place, and began to accept myself for all that I am and even all that I am not, my eyes were forced open. I have had some tremendous support from my husband, kids, and closest friends. I have also gotten some very supportive emails from my readers. This blog has been a lifeline for me to sort through everything I was facing. It has grown exponentially in the 4 years I have had it. I have had the pleasure of having a few of my posts published, and gotten some freelance writing assignments as well. Most of all, this blog has given me the clarity to find my true self once again.

For everyone that reads these and the wonderful messages I have gotten, Thank you!!

I am venturing into my day, and our newest adventures are becoming realities more so each day. I'm looking forward to being able to share these, once everything is set in stone. For now, I will leave you all with the best and brightest wishes, from my heart to yours!

Salli