Good Morning, my online friends! It's been kind of a chaotic time in my life, and I can't quite share everything, just yet, but everything is a positive move towards the future of my family and myself. I'm cautiously optimistic and hopeful, for several great opportunities that have been presented to us.
With that being said, there have been a lot of areas of education thrown in for me. Areas that I have never dealt with. So, as always, I have taken to educating myself about what I did not know. That has been interesting. Although there is a lot that I did not know, I am learning on the run! Sometimes, the most unexpected and far-fetched thoughts, become reality. Then, you are thrown into a human sized divot of making what can work, work...and figuring out how to climb out! Even with the feeling of entrapment of being in that divot, there is so much brightness, you get busy and figure out how to climb out.
I spent nearly 3 years in what I refer to as a really dark hole in my life. I was betrayed, lied to, felt unhappy, strangled by my own sensitivities, and ultimately left feeling alone to deal with the life I was living. This was a very dark, emotional and negative time in my life. I never want to go back to that place again! Although, it was a massive time of reckoning for me. It was a time of facing my own demons from the past, facing the negatives of my life now, and rediscovering not only my independence but also my weaknesses. In my eyes, weakness equals vulnerability; but that's not always a bad thing. We all have vulnerabilities, it's how we handle them that makes or breaks us. Instead of trying to hide every flaw, or doing the negative self talking about how other people have better anything, I had to take a long, hard look at myself. My flaws and the areas that I wasn't proud of, actually made me who I am. They made me strong, determined, compassionate, forgiving, and yes, even stubborn. They also made me vulnerable, open to empathic negativity and it opened the door to allow those into my live that didn't measure up to my standards.
All of that has changed now. I have accepted that I am demanding, strong willed(stubborn), have high expectations and plenty of weaknesses too! I have unconventional thoughts and run my life, my way. I will argue my beliefs if necessary but would rather avoid arguments if possible. Too many people argue, but they do it to not only get their thoughts heard, but they end up saying or doing things they regret later. Then not only are their thoughts not heard, but they have hurt those they care about, and sometimes that hurt, can never be healed.
I am strong. I learned to take care of my siblings from a very young age, I had to learn to handle my parents divorcing when I was 11, I had my first love and heartbreak at 15, found my first stress reliever of dancing at 15, found my 2 closest friends at the same time. I faced an assault of my body alone, battled with bulimia on my own, married a great friend but neither of us was mature enough to deal with real life so it ended in divorce and has since resulted in the loss of the friendship as well. I have dealt with my own cancer, had 2 amazing kids, married a great guy(even when we butt heads), and have built a life I don't want a vacation from. In 41 years, I have seen and done enough to know, there isn't anything I can't do...once I put my mind to it!
There is something to be said having to face so much adversity from such a young age. Although I have always been head-strong, everything I have dealt with, has made not only a better person but an even stronger person. The 3 year blip on my radar, of being in such a dark place, to me was just a reminder of how strong I really am. It was also a wake up call, to remind me who would always be there for me...and who wouldn't. It's hard to accept that someone can pull the wool over your eyes so much, that you can't see their true self, but for someone who doesn't play games...you expect the same from those you associate with.
As I have effectively pulled myself out of that dark place, and began to accept myself for all that I am and even all that I am not, my eyes were forced open. I have had some tremendous support from my husband, kids, and closest friends. I have also gotten some very supportive emails from my readers. This blog has been a lifeline for me to sort through everything I was facing. It has grown exponentially in the 4 years I have had it. I have had the pleasure of having a few of my posts published, and gotten some freelance writing assignments as well. Most of all, this blog has given me the clarity to find my true self once again.
For everyone that reads these and the wonderful messages I have gotten, Thank you!!
I am venturing into my day, and our newest adventures are becoming realities more so each day. I'm looking forward to being able to share these, once everything is set in stone. For now, I will leave you all with the best and brightest wishes, from my heart to yours!
Salli
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