What a crazy few months this has been! The next few months look to be just as insane! There is so much always going on in our lives, that sometimes it's hard to explain everything, without upsetting some. Our lives run on multiple plans, every single day. Although many times, our days are chaotic and run together, they are never the same twice.
Many who read my blog, know my belief in the energies that surround everything. I can tell you that the energy surrounding most aspects of our lives, have become very negative over the past several years. The best way I know how to describe this is: it's like a giant black cloud has taken up residency over our home, and lives. The struggle of getting through a day at a time, juggling finances, juggling kids schooling, juggling livestock, juggling extended family and everything in between has become the dark abyss we have been living through. As most negative energy does, it sucks so much life out of you. It interferes in relationships, sleep patterns, and life in general. Unfortunately, like so many, you don't know really how to fix it.
You can see it happening, you can feel the emotional changes, you can see the health changes the stresses are causing, yet you don't know how or where to start, to fix everything that has gotten out of control. For me, I am a writer. I am constantly writing in my journals, and trying to iron out details, emotions, or trying to find a path out of the turmoil. I believe that some turmoil is a necessary evil though. We don't appreciate the constant sunny days until we have a few rainy ones. I also believe that some lessons must be learned through some harsh conditions. Some of us are too stubborn to see the forest through the trees.
When stress takes on a life of its own, it can become so over powering that people, like myself, just withdraw. It becomes too difficult to express, the thoughts, emotions and feelings; that it becomes easier to withdraw into oneself, and avoid outside noise. This has become my repertoire. It's difficult to talk through the issue when you can not put thoughts, emotions, and feelings into words; or you have to limit conversations to avoid saying more than some need to know.
In my life, I am the talker/writer. I will write or talk until I can find a path that will work. My husband is not either. He internalizes almost everything. You can mentally see the gears turning in head, you can feel the changes in his attitude or personality but he will not talk about anything until he feels he has everything figured out. Although I, too, withdraw...I have a few that I can talk to that I do tend to lean on. Those amazing people, they are cursed with the real me. ;) They get to hear all about the good, bad, ugly and sometimes very cold emotions that go through my head. I write almost continuously. Whether it's working through thoughts and emotions in my journals, crunching numbers to juggle whatever financials need to be met, or sharing what is/has worked for my life...that may help someone else.
Being the person I am, usually causes me great stress. I love to help people, I hate when others work hard and get shit on, I don't do the gossip thing, much to my dismay...I am usually loyal to everyone and very few ever return that loyalty. I am fiercely independent, and live my life how I feel is best to live it. I am spiritual but not religious. I take great pride in knowing my ancestors are walking with me on the spiritual side, giving a pretty bold nudge when necessary to keep me on my chosen path. For many years, I had lost my way. I was dead set on choosing a path that fit a physical norm, as opposed to staying true to my spiritual path. That changed nearly 4 years ago, when the spiritual side of myself was revealed to me the darkest emotional state I had ever been in. It was during that time, I was returning to person I was meant to be. Unfortunately, it took some pretty traumatic and emotional hits to bring me back to neutral ground, to begin again. Since then, I have begun again. I have focused on my intuition and truly feeling the lessons being thrown at me. It's not been easy, or even close! There were some pretty hidden areas of my life that I had to face.
Since this time of growing occurred, I have accepted that the energies all around us, must be acknowledged. That can be pretty intimidating for someone who has basically run from too much emotion for over 30 years. Although I buried emotions for so long, I have had to relearn their feeling, and relearn to voice them. It became too easy to close off everything too painful to face, and become a very cold, untrusting, and somewhat self-absorbed person. It was easier to be the one to walk away, then to deal with the emotion of having someone else be the one to walk away. You have heard me refer to the emotional switch I have had for so many years, I could turn them on or off, in the blink of an eye. Even though it was mostly off, those emotions became buried...not gone. So many years of burying emotions, came back to me, in a tidal wave. I can honestly say, it almost drowned me. Had it not been for my journals and this blog; I don't think I would have come through it as strong and sure as I did.
This big, black energy that has enveloped our family and home the last few years, has come to an end. The negative energy is still in place, but we are taking steps to remove ourselves from it's shadow. It's not easy, it's not even close. It's required a lot of logistics, a lot of thought and conversation, and it's going to require some massive effort on the part of our family. It's terrifying to know the plan, know the logistics and yet, not know the end result. However, I have to follow the path laid before us. It's been a pretty clear path, so far. Even the few bumps in the road, have been learning experiences. It's allowed me to grow not only mentally, but physically and emotionally too. As I said, it's terrifying and exciting, but necessary. My own personally growth, is increasing every single day, and our family is growing as a unit, as well.
There have been too many areas of our life, that the emotional energy has flat-lined. Areas that have caused more issues than solutions, and driven wedges where there should never be wedges. When the energies surrounding us become so negative that the wedges are placed within a family unit; it's time to make major changes. When so many outside negative energies infiltrate your personal energy; it become necessary to find neutral ground again.
My personal energy has come back to life. Even though there are some serious changes on the horizon, my energy is increasing. My energy is becoming lighter and more hopeful. The constant contrasting energies right now, is exhausting. They won't remain that way for long, and I have been giving a glimpse of the positive energy that is to come.
I know that I am going to be ok. I know that family will be ok. I also know, that we will be guided by our spiritual loved ones. Times of changes can be stressful, and cause some degree of uncertainty. Through meditation and prayer, everything will be as it is meant to be.
Salli
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