Invisible

How do you escape invisibility;
after so long of staying out of sight.
How do you push back into the light.

How do you rejoin a world that you've spent years escaping.
Knowing you are so much more than what you have become.
Yet, feeling so insecure and vulnerable.

You know the fire that's in your soul,
the passions, desires, and dreams you've hidden;
and lost sight of.
You crave the boundless happiness you know exists;
the sense of contentment you've chased your whole life.

You have minimized yourself to fit a mold,
you dilute yourself to make other's more comfortable;
so much so, that you've almost forgotten who you really are.

There's no one else to blame; just yourself.
Though it's not easy,
you must dig out, and let your soul shine once again.


Salli <3

Second Guessing

Allowing your intuition to guide you through each trial and tribulation will lead you to where you are intended to be. Second guessing each decision will ultimately, cause your decisions to waiver.



Growing up in a time when our parents dictated every move we made, changes perspective from the generations currently growing up. There were not options of listening or not, if you'd eat certain foods or not, if you carried passing grades or not, and for some; even the career path you went down was dictated. Obviously, there were a lot of other decisions decided upon by the parents of my own generation.

Many decisions my own parents made for me, I still enforce with my own children, but others I don't believe in. I struggled through my own childhood. Growing up in a family, learning to adapt to divorced parents, attempting to find my way into adulthood, and there were plenty of lessons learned. I have some pretty strong traditional values. I believe the evening meal is necessary to family bonds. In my family, sitting down to supper together, is highly important. It's when we can discuss our day, discuss everything in general. When we have our evening meal, typically those meals are family both related and adopted. We open our home and lives to those that we care for. I home educate my children. My husband and I, neither one grew up this way, but that was the direction our lives pushed us to. Now, I would not ever consider anything else. Getting an unbiased education, that includes life skills is too important. I grew up in a subdivision. My husband grew up on a farm. While my dad grew up on a farm and gardened a lot while I was growing up, that was not anything like the farm life my husband had. Since being married, I have learned that life, and would not want to live any other way now. Our little farm provided me with the security, safety, and means to be self sufficient. That is something that I know is important for me, and knowing I am able to give my family the best I can, is success in and of itself.

I have learned more than I could ever express in the past 18 years. Gardening became not just a hobby for vegetables to eat that day; it became a way of life that provided vegetables all winter long. Having livestock was more than just cute animals outdoors; it became a purpose. Having fresh beef, pork, chicken, and eggs that were grown right on our land, provided annual meat and eggs for our family. Knowing the horses were there to check fence, check ground, and just to ride for pleasure was freeing.

I know everyone is aware of the idea of preparing, or prepping as some refer to it. I don't believe in going overboard, but having a means of surviving if all hell does break loose is of utmost importance. Until the past 8 months, I had that security. I knew I had a food supply that would last my family from year to year. I knew I had the skills to live off the land if need be. Losing that security, throws a monkey wrench in the life of someone who is usually prepared for the "what if's" in my life.

Second guessing decisions is not a normal trait I possess. I typically jump in with both feet and learn to swim along the way. I'm not a wishy-washy person. I see an issue, I figure out a solution, and then I make it happen. Well, usually. Leaving my security, and allowing decisions to be made by someone else...took away the control factor I am used to. When I feel like I have some sort of control, I can handle anything. When I feel like there is no control, life spirals for me.

I get annoyed with people that have to second guess my decisions. I don't make them lightly. I do a lot of observing, a lot of listening, and when other people are involved, I watch how they act/respond. Although I am highly opinionated, I do listen to other points of view. That is how I make decisions...my own thoughts, educating myself, and hearing other points of view. My mind is in constant motion. Rarely do I have a single thought. Mostly, there are a dozen thoughts that do with each issue I face.

Finding another farm, that will provide me the security I need, is a high priority. I need that security but also that piece of mind. I grew to love the freedom I felt on our farm. Raising our own animals, growing our own vegetables, and a home that allowed plenty of room for all; is an adjustment I don't want to be permanent. Selling our farm up north, will give us a little more room to work with here. That is a chapter that I am ready to close and lock. Our lives have taken root here in the south. While there is still adjusting to the differences, the life itself here is remarkable.

As I grow personally, I have gotten to the point of being ready to let go of old. It's long past time to embrace the new, while incorporating my favorite parts of the old. I will have garden(s), eventually I will have the livestock with us again, and eventually there will be another farm with room to store all the preserved food, and fresh meat I can raise! Until then, I keep adapting and trying to relearn the art of going with the flow.

There isn't room for second guessing in my life. I know what I know, and that can't be changed. However, I can always learn more, and will do so willingly! I will leave the second guessing to those that would like to think they know something about my life. ;) They fall into the same category as those that like to talk behind others backs.

Have a great Wednesday all!
Salli

Coffee Chat

Good Morning! It's amazing how quickly April has creeped up on me. I've spent a lot of time reflecting over the past year. It's amazing to think of the changes that have encompassed my life, over the course of a year. I try not to be negative but there are times you become so overwhelmed you end up on that path. It becomes a vicious cycle of overwhelm, frustrated, and annoyed; and you have no idea how to get off the roller coaster ride! So, today's coffee chat is about the snippets of my life that I care to share.

Last year, in April, we decided the move to Southern Missouri was in our best interest. It also meant selling our home, uprooting our lives, and learning a new culture/region. While the job market around our home was rapidly diminishing, it was terrifying to think of everything that needed to be done to prepare for the move. Naturally, I feel like the main dynamics of the move fell on my shoulders. I struggled with the move. I had a home that I was making my own, and aside from the job market...everything was pretty good. I will say, I told my husband when he mentioned moving, that I would go where ever he wanted to go. I never dreamed of the chaos that would follow.

After waiting nearly 3 months, he needed to start the job he was offered or lose it. The house hadn't sold yet, the house we had considering buying here was a complete joke and so was the real estate company, and we had no options...except him moving and us staying. Obviously, that was not ideal either. From the time he moved, the kids and I did chores, kept up with the yard work, continued their schooling while I kept up with the house, bills, meals, real estate marketing, showing our home, and managing the kids and my own adjustment to not having my husband there. A couple months into separate households, it became apparently that that was not going to work for much longer. We decided that with the harvest season approaching, we needed to be here, because he wouldn't be able to make the 6 hour drive on weekends through harvest. Our couple months of being in a camper turned into nearly 7 months, and the house still hasn't sold.

So, we decided a camper would be a temporary solution for harvest season. First of all, I do not recommend this, ever!!! We had to pack up the house initially for the move, then unpack and repack to fit in a camper, and leave our big animals and most of our belongings scattered from one end of the state to another. It was horrible! It's still a struggle every day. Knowing we have the livestock in one location, still have belongings at our house, now we have a storage unit in town, and our rental house here too. I am feeling a little more settled, but there is still stuff scattered. We have stuff crammed into our rental house, but I do really like it and it's location. We were able to find a rental house that gave us most of what we were used to, and most of what I needed to function.

I am pretty blessed with finding this rental house. It sits on 6 acres, has room for a garden, the kids have room to run, we have a home to live in until something gives with the sale of our house. Although, I am really sick of paying for 2 houses. I have prayed for months, for our house to sell. I have to believe that there is still something the Universe wants me to see, and that is why it hasn't sold. I sure wish the Universe would give me some indication on the lesson though...I'm tired of dealing with it all!

I have spent nearly 7 months feeling like a piece of paper tossed into a tornado. Feeling so scattered, so torn, and crumpled; is exhausting. The first month or so in the camper wasn't too bad. Then, the loner it drug on, the worse it was getting. Too small of space, no room for the kids to play, no quiet space, and cooking was a joke. It was causing the kids to battle constantly, my husband and I were arguing regularly, and the overall morale, was bad at best. The only thing good that came from that camping experience was meeting a couple of good friends.

Now, we have our rental house. It's about 1000 sq ft smaller than our house, but it has a LOT more room than the stupid camper. We have 2 bathrooms...and bedrooms that allow all of us to have space. We have a full and functioning kitchen that allows me to cook and bake the way I like, a living area that is big enough for all of us to sit together, my dining room table that has bore witness to so many conversations, outdoor room for a swing set/garden/games of catch/and bonfires. We are far enough off the road to not be bothered by road noise, no sirens wailing at all hours, and no campground own complaining because my kids are outside without me standing over them! I know this rental house is not permanent, but it is a nice and peaceful place. I also know that someday, hopefully sooner than later, I will be back on a farm. I will be able to have my horses and the kids cows again. I will have larger gardens and plenty of room to store everything I preserve. Until then, I'm am trying to make the best of the best situation we've been in for about a year. Now, if our realtor would just get our house sold!!!!

This past weekend, my husband tilled up an area for my garden. Thankfully, a good friend had a tiller he let us use! So, I have a 43x22 garden for this Summer. I'm not sure how to handle this small of a garden, but it sure beats the heck out of no garden!!! I get to learn how to garden in sand. The soil here is mostly sand and clay. Neither of these, do I have experience with. But I love a challenge, so I'm about to learn. I got all the seeds planted, and can hardly wait to start seeing them grow! If everything grows well, I should be able to can/freeze a good amount of vegetables later this Summer. Taking my shoes off to garden, has always been my thing. However, the threat of sand burrs changed this years course on that. I did clear an area that allowed me to ground in the garden. Sand is so different that black dirt. Not just in the obvious sense, but also in it's grounding effects. I'm still learning and will continue to learn and grow.

I have almost gotten our rental house unpacked. There is a lot of clutter right now, and it's frustrating to me, but I'm working on it. I need to build some shelving units to allow for the smaller space. We got rid of our dressers, years ago, when we started making all the closets in our house customized with clothes bars and shelves. The closets here are decent but not set up for not having dressers. I need to figure out a space for a desk; build that and a cabinet for my husbands guns, and a small cabinet for the kitchen too. Unfortunately, I can make everything, and have them all designed but paying for two houses has the budget so tight, I just can't make it all work, just yet.

If you have never done it, imagine paying a house payment and utilities - in two locations, for nearly 8 months! I can promise you that the finances will suck the life out of you in a hurry!! I have always done the responsible thing, but there are days...I just want to walk away and be done with it! It gets very frustrating to watch so much being wasted on something you are no longer using. I'm going to stay positive for now, and know that everything will happen at the right time...even if it's not in our time.

We have been in our rental house for a month now. I keep praying for everything to work the way it's intended to work. The kids are adjusting well, and loving having space again. I have begun feeling settled and have found time to just be without letting stress overwhelm me, and I hope that relationships, finances, and life will adjust and allow for growth.

For today, I'm going to end this blog with a positive. I am no longer stuck in a sardine can, feeling trapped and ready to go postal! HA! It's all good. Everything will work out the way it's intended to. I just need to learn the patience to not be so demanding, I guess!

Have a beautifully blessed day!
Salli