Coffee Chat

So many things are happening, yet so much time is spent doing nothing. I like to be busy but not overwhelmed. I like order, organization and to have a path of direction. Too much chaos, too many contradictions, and too many outside sources of grief; I tend to get a bit anxious. So, my coffee chats are my way of trying to make sense of the chaos, and find my path of direction. Sometimes it works, sometimes - not so much. As the year has begun with a massive change in me that's been on the verge of breaking through for about 6 or so years, I believe this is the year that I am finally able to push forward.

2012/2013 began a very treacherous downhill slide for me. I take full responsibility for my own shortcomings, and losing my personal strength to deal with much of anything. However, when you shown so much deceit, shown so many hidden agendas, and so much greed; you pull away from the source(s) causing it. Unfortunately, I due to deceit, I began doubting my own instincts and beliefs. I didn't trust myself, and what I was feeling. Sadly, that began a landslide of issues, problems, and more deceit that I sunk into a pretty dark phase in my life. I doubted myself, my abilities, my loyalties, and I withdrew...from just about everyone. By 2016, my personal life was having some massive changes that included making a huge move across the state. By this time, I had been hanging on to little threads of hope for so long, I truly thought those threads would break. 2 years in a new area, new lifestyle, and better circumstances, overall, and I began to see some hope...even with the continued issues. I found myself again. My spirit, my hopes, my abilities and skills, were showing up again. Then, BOOM! We make the move back to our little homestead, and the shit storm continues with more added to it. Now, here we are in 2019, 7 years after the ride of this roller coaster began, and I'm finally getting the haze cleared out of many areas.

The thing is, without taking time to evaluate and solve issues, I chose to try to let others deal with it. I chose to focus on myself, what I needed, and my own responsibilities; while turning over several aspects of the life around me were left to poor communication, second hand information or no communication at all. Once you allow communication, REAL communication, to slip, everything turns into a 3-ring circus.

I have spent 9 years in a Holistic Health group that has doctors in all specialties, and counselors in all specialties. While my own certification is Natural Health Consulting, it's very informational to hear so many discussions on so many topics. Finding out about so many Holistic treatments, learning the delicate balance of mind-body-spirit, discussing new research findings, discussing/debating new statistical findings, and even having a source for my own wellness; it's been remarkably freeing. While it's truly a gift to get all the information I could ever want, it's disheartening to not have the mindsets around me to share it. While my family is thrilled when they have an issue to know they can come to Mom for answers, it's a bit lonely knowing that's the only time there is an interest. I've tried to share and have a conversation about some of the findings and stats with my hubby and after about 10 minutes...the attention span is gone. I fully admit, I am the same way when he's trying to tell me about an engine he's building on a tractor, or how great some tractor is(while telling me about it's horsepower or even the tractor model). I do try to listen as long as I can though.

The hard part for me, has been accepting all the technology that has become so prevalent in our lives today. Sure, phone calls are a great way to touch base, but even those can be frustrating. Texting loses so much of the personal aspect, social media is cold and many times loses it's value when people are offended by everything. You can't have a civil, respectful conversation without starting a battle online...which to me is ridiculous! We have phones stuck in our hands or stuck in our ears, 90% of the time. You can't sit to visit with someone, without them constantly checking their phone, taking calls or texts, or in my house...it's scrolling through marketplace or craigslist all the time. It's become a society of hiding behind screens and behaving in ways that 25 years ago, would have gotten people in fist fights because of their mouths.

I have built a life completely different than I grew up in. I have struggled to learn the farm life aspect, and have had many failures along the way. I've struggled with being belittled, degraded and treated like complete crap. I've pushed through stages in my marriage that I probably should have just walked away. I was pushed into homeschooling my oldest when a school district informed me that the child who had been physically bully my child, was a state case so there wasn't anything they could do about him. I've watched job changes that began as being a great financial step up, become a financial nightmare. I have dealt with playing referee within my own family, my extended family, my husbands extended family, and most of the time does so in the shadows. I've made moves and transitions that I thought would make my husband happy, even though I wasn't certain. Each time I've been thrown into some new mess, I am always the one trying to make peace, make things make sense, or make things better. Each time, it's sent me into a new level of withdrawl. 2 years ago, I finally started making changes to better myself, to bring me back to a sense of peace, and to find a balance of stress that I could tolerate. Through the past 7 years, for every step or two forward, there's been 10 backward. Just when I begin to settled in and start making a life I can live with, someone or something throws a monkey wrench in it and I'm left wondering what is the best course of action now?!

Today, there are plenty areas of issue. I'm still trying to find my footing, but I will. I am very careful to not mention too much personal stuff beyond my own, but sometimes I'd just love to call out the headaches, and people causing them. The biggest thing right now, came about Friday. The one employer that pays a decent wage, has a super crappy way of keeping their employees. Hourly wages are tolerable, bonus system sucks, raise system is worse, and people just blindly accept it all, like there is nothing or no place else available. I'm sorry but if you want to keep good help, you want to keep positive morale, and not have a high turn over...you need to make the job worthwhile. This may be fine for those that don't have any more ambition than that. I guess as I was told by an employer here several years ago, I do have more ambition than that. I will not stay put somewhere that I am not given ample opportunity to grow, learn, and be paid what I am worth.

Sadly, this is par for the course in this area. While I love our little homestead, the area feels pretty oppressed. God forbid, anyone thin outside the box, or want to do better than they ever have. I live in a county that doesn't offer many jobs, the main industry is farming, and to work outside the county is a good 45 minute to hours drive. Realistically, the entire area is a poor area. Not just in mindset, but also financially. If it's not old money supporting the farmers and few businesses, it's the rest of us barely surviving paycheck to paycheck. If you try to take a step up, and do something to better yourself...you become part of the rumor mill, and are ridiculed to beat all. For us, we do not try to keep up with others. I honestly don't want their debt. Herein lies another issue. If you aren't willing to live on credit, you aren't going to get anywhere. For a few of us, we have as minimal debt as possible, and do everything in our power to pay that off, as quickly as possible. Then you look down the road. There's a brand new $400K home built, and with that brand new home is popping up new sheds to the total of 3 now I believe. The kicker for me, we offered our house for sale for a fraction of that and the few that were interested in buying it, were scared off by sources beyond our control. That has left me bitter, angry and feeling less diplomatic than I have ever been.

We have tried so many different things to make our little homestead support itself. I don't need to be rich or anything like that, but not throwing money at every little thing would be swell. I have attempted to get multiple jobs in this area since we've been back, only to be told I've been out of the workforce too long or that I was over qualified...which made me ask, ok which is...too qualified or too long at home being a mom? I don't have enough hours in my day to take on another job, but having at least one paying job would be helpful. Especially after having to come back here and taking more than a $15,000 annual pay cut. Then you throw in the headaches that has become part of being back on our homestead, extended family drama that makes me ready to walk away from them and my marriage because I'm sick of it all, having to deal with playing referee between my husband and son daily, and finding myself slipping back down a slippery slope of depression by dealing with all this again.

The biggest change for me, I am stronger now...mentally, and emotionally. I am certain of what I am capable of. I know the boundaries I have and anyone that crosses them is out. I still have a few missteps, but I've got this! A lot has changed for me, and needed to change. I had let my personal boundaries be trampled on, and took the opinion of a few to heart. I may not be perfect, and I don't want to be...but I'm worth respect, I'm worth honesty, and I'm worth the same loyalty that I give.

Now that my little rant is out of the way, it's time for where I am going and what I am doing. It's January but this is the time of year that I focus on cleaning out clutter, making the house feel like home, and getting rid of anything that is no longer serving a purpose. I'm in cleaning and organizing mode currently. Washing walls, windows, dusting every nook and cranny, sorting the old to make room for the new, and of course strategizing and planning for the garden. Mixed in with all this is my time volunteering with the veteran foundation that I love, and since my hubby got me the camera I've wanted for years for Christmas...I still have a lot to learn with it.

With all the clearing out, it reminds me of everything I've talked about doing, or wanted to learn. I love learning, so you'd think it would be easy for me to pick up new hobbies. Not so much. I'm a bit of a creature of habit. I have certain ways of doing things in my day, and when they don't get down...it kind of sends me into a funk that is aggravating. While I love little surprises, too many cause me stress. There are several projects to get finished, and I'm not certain the direction that some of the chaos mentioned earlier will take. That's a bit unnerving for me, feeling unsettled, but I guess when the Universe decides to show me the right answer...I'll deal with that then. I've gotten a lot colder and withdrawn than I had been, and while that may come in handy in some areas...it's proven to me that not everyone can deal with or handle me with my boundaries in place.
I guess I'm too much for a weaker person to handle.

I will continue my coffee chats as I can, but I do believe it's time to more subject based blogs. Whether it's gardening, canning, homesteading, homeschooling, photography, volunteer efforts, my homemade furniture making, or whatever else pops up...it's sure to give you a few laughs along the way. So, grab your coffee, and feel free to leave comments, or hop over to Facebook and follow along there.

Salli