For all who have followed this blog, I have shared a lot of my personal insecurities, my thoughts, and experiences; through many years. The past 9 years have been quite the roller coaster. Emotionally I have grown through my struggles. However, growing has been difficult. There have been several experiences that have have left me emotionally numb. I try very hard to give people the benefit of doubt always, but some of those benefits came back to bite me pretty hard. I have grown mentally and spiritually beyond measure. This growth has required me to step away from people that brought more negative energy than positive. When you are surrounded by negativity, nah-saying, and closed minded people; you will never expand your own mind beyond that. In the past almost decade, I found myself battling on several fronts. None of which were to better myself, those battles were the result of not following my heart, my dreams, my goals or my passions.
It's difficult to constantly feel like your are treading water during a hurricane. I have always tried to be the responsible/sensible person and to always be there for everyone. This is not a bad thing, but by not setting boundaries; you get taken advantage of or taken for granted very quickly. The demands that others expect of you or from you become the anchor that eventually takes you under. Unfortunately, too many times people don't realize they are doing anything to cause a problem; and realistically, people like myself, allow ourselves to be put into these situations. Occasionally, it takes some major event in our lives to shake us up, and make us take a look within ourselves. Yes, I've heard the medical/psychology stand points..."oh, it's just a midlife crisis. You probably had some issues as a child growing up."
Let me tell you, there were issues in my childhood that shaped who I am today. There were incredible memories from my childhood that helped balance out the issues, and yes there were things that happened that still affect me to this day. Guess what?! I can not change my past. I can not change anything clear up and to the point of right now. The thing is, while there have been areas that have given me a hard time, not all of them stemmed from my childhood. Some came about during my late teens, early 20's, and clear up until this year. The bigger thing is, you have to learn to deal with issues, and face them as they come. Some things you can fix while others you have to just learn to let go of. Letting go can be very difficult. It really becomes a matter finding your own peace of mind. Facing issues and difficult areas in your life is hard. It's not impossible though. Like I said, I have spent most of 9 years in the crazy roller coaster of being lost, hurt, trying too hard for things and people that were not good for me, trying to be everything to everyone when I could barely take care of myself.
I have worked hard to be the best mom I could be, giving my kids everything I could but most importantly everything that I needed growing up. I have tried to be a decent wife, although making a relationship work takes 2, and outside interference never ends well. I have tried to be a good child, being there for my parents/step-parents every time they have needed me. I've tried to be a good sister to my siblings, although most of the time my opinion ends up ticking them off. Being a good friend, I've tried, even though several have proven that I can not turn my back before they feel the need to discuss me with others.
Trust is something I have struggled with for most of my life. Once it's broken enough times, you find yourself closing off from most people. Sometimes, even some you don't mean to but it happens. It becomes a bit harrowing to juggle emotions that tend to ambush you. After so many years inside these struggles, I'm finally seeing some daylight. I've had to set some pretty massive boundaries, for everyone. Since I have spent the better part 20 years dedicating my life to being a wife and mom...I lost me. I've been slowly finding my way back to my dreams, my goals, and my own passions. Sadly, one area of issue in my life, ended up being the catalyst I needed to find my way. Even though those changes were difficult, and moving back to our farm had me scared that I would lose myself again...Moving, changing geographically locations several times; was precisely the shake up I needed to open my eyes. I'm not completely out of the fog yet, but almost.
As I mentioned our move back to our farm, that was both relieving and terrifying! I love my home, our area, and the opportunities to be part of something so beautiful. However, farm life is not a lazy life style. We have animal chores twice a day. There's always fencing, watering, feeding, planning, organizing, breeding schedules, feed delivery schedules, fertilizer schedules, animal rotations and vet work to be done. It's a lot to keep up with when 3 out of 4 people in the house have full time jobs off the farm, there's housework, laundry, meals, yard work, gardens, and maintenance that needs kept up with. We have lived on our farm since November 2011. Aside from the the few years we lived in southern Missouri, we have constantly spent money trying to make the farm support itself but never saw any returns. We banked local so whatever that bank was able to do, was what we were forced to work with. Typically, it meant we were trying to twice as much stuff with half the money we needed. They have been fantastic through the years to work with, but they had their limitations and it was not working for us. After months of disagreements, and bickering, we finally worked out a plan that might be able to finally take this farm where I want it to go...supporting itself and hopefully growing. While this growth is terrifying to me, it's necessary. It's time to shit or get off the pot!! So, we are expanding livestock, we have invested in better hay equipment, we have added our son to the management mix, and are looking to increase our investment enough to finally have it supporting itself. While this was my idea from the beginning, sometimes it's easier to just go with the flow than to constantly battle the waves!
We have had the great joy of hosting a foreign exchange student. This has been truly a remarkable experience so far. Although the red tape of it is a little overwhelming, our host daughter is amazing! Experiencing this has opened so many options to learn...for all of us. It's heart warming to hear her laughing with her host siblings, to watch her interact with each of us has been great! We've gotten to experience true Italian cuisine and coffee. We've shared some of our favorite things too. This sweet girl, has reminded me that laughing is contagious! She loves music, and the style of music I grew up listening to. As each week passes, I enjoy more and more having 3 kids in the house. All 3 kids get along so well, it makes this mommma's heart swell!!!
We are gearing up for one our annual birthday parties. Each year, our oldest and his best friend(who I have kind of adopted) has a big hog roast and bonfire for his birthday. This year, as it so happens, we also get to include our host daughters birthday! So, the Fall party looks to be even bigger.
September is always our busiest month. This year is no different. It's looking to be pretty chaotic, but it should be fun!
Thanks for reading my friends. Each chapter will hopefully get better from here on out but stay tuned for all the adventures!
Salli
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