Coffee Chat

 

Good morning! With all the censorship, I decided to turn my thoughts to a coffee chat. It saves me a lot of headaches in the long run!

I want to start out with a couple of huge thank you's.  My venting post in so many areas of my life gave me a small kick in the ass again last night. I actually took some time out to soak, and reflect. Taking time to reflect, and to use a nice soak in cleansing waters was needed. My future daughter-in-law reminding me of a holistic need that although I had already thought about...needed to be a priority as soon as possible. Last but most certainly not least, my husband. This man, although a pain in my butt, is always there. He has put up with my mood changes, my hot flashes, my anger, and so much more! Lesser men would have walked away years ago!!! 

If you have read/followed me for any time, you know I speak my mind. That involves the good, the bad, the ugly, the right and even being wrong. God knows I am no where near perfect, but I do try to be the best person I can be everyday. That is not to say I don't have bad or completely rotten days. I have had a lot of struggles over the past months. Some I had no control over, some that have overwhelmed me, and some I've allowed to happen. I have done what I needed to do, and taken time away from things that, although important to me, were not as high a priority. My highest priorities are always my family. 

Ok, now to "the rest of the story." Many times, we base our thoughts on expectations or hearsay. We base our opinions off our knowledge...even if it doesn't include the whole story(which it rarely does). Our level of understanding is typically based off that knowledge or our perceived knowledge. Rather than getting all the facts, we go off what we see/what others say.  Some of us have the "what we feel," experience thrown in too. See, I was raised that there were 2 sides to every story and typically somewhere in between was the actual truth. This lesson in life, has been how I have always lived. I can tell you my side of a story(as I remember it) and someone else could tell theirs(as they remember it), then in the ground between the 2 stories...that is where you will find the truth. So many times, I find myself having to dive deeper within to get to the root of an issue. Then, once you dive in...it becomes all encompassing. You find one string of information and that leads to more strings, and before you know it....you have wadded up mess of information. That wadded up mess is where I have found myself for more than 2 years now. Not just in my own personal life, but in world information as well. 

October until presently, found me in a mess. Between illness, personal life issues, trying to find a balance, world information overload, and a change in livelihood; took on a life of its own. I was overwhelmed. I had set my expectations so high, found them unreachable and ultimately was disappointed. Sadly, after being disappointed too many times, you learn to turn off some emotions. Then it becomes anger instead of hurt, or anger instead of saying what you need to for fear of tipping over the boat, and causing even more chaos. Ultimately, anger becomes the go to emotion. That ends up making matters worse. You feel horrible for being angry, you let yourself stew instead of saying your piece, you allow external behaviors to affect your own. Without a release, a balance, or a massive change; you can't move forward. You find yourself feeling trapped.

It took a few good people to help me see that I had become trapped. Trapped in my own thoughts, emotions, circumstances and feelings. Even though I have my peaceful release with my critters, it's not enough for me right now. I'm at that stage in life, where my kids are all basically self-sufficient, not needing me for everything. I was no longer pushing myself to build something for someone else; there fore, I was not pushing myself to get out and about everyday. My house doesn't really messy anymore, so I wasn't in a constant struggle to maintain that. It's Winter, so most of my outdoor stuff is shut down until Spring. Even the cooking and baking that I have loved for years wasn't as enjoyable. I'm missing time with my youngest child as she now has other people with her everyday and it has kind of felt like a gut punch to not have that one-on-one time anymore. I'm missing time with my husband, since I'm completely drained at the end of everyday...I just don't have the energy to go any further. While I don't have as much to keep up with, I have been feeling more overwhelmed than ever. 

I reached a tipping point yesterday. It was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. I know me, and even though there will be down days, I knew I had to fix something. I hate whiners that don't try to fix issues. I allowed myself to fall into that rut. You know, the whole pity party, woah is me crap?! Yeah, I don't deal with that well. Although I still have to find a means to fix things, I saw the picture...very vividly. I don't sleep well on a normal basis. Typically 3-4 hours of actual sleep while another 3 hours or so of hearing everything that goes on around me. My mind moves a million miles an hour, ALL THE TIME!! It truly never stops. I have too many people that demand my time, energy and anything else the may need; all the time. I rarely ask for help, because it's either not taken care of or ends up in a circus of excuses why they can't do it. Too many have what appears to be hearing issues, and don't hear me when I do ask for something, or claims I haven't said anything. So, I take care of everything, making everyone else's lives easier, while making mine more chaos. Everyone wants something from me. It gets overwhelming to say the least. 

So, today, I am going back to my lists. I am going be forcing myself to get out of this rut and back on stable ground. I can not depend on anyone else to do this for me...this is my responsibility. I have allowed myself to become a door mat for others. It's time to suck it up, or as my daughter says, "cowgirl up." I will always be me, the good - the bad- and the ugly. I will have plenty of snark to fill the entire state. I will never stop learning, growing, or trying to find my place in this big, beautiful world. However, I do not have to tackle everything at once. It is not my job to fix every issue that comes up, or find everything that others have lost. I got an amazing gift certificate from my husband for Christmas, and that is going to mean taking some time for me. An amazing massage and a Chakra healing session; tanning and who knows what that could lead to. As soon as the weather allows, I will be breaking out the sage to cleanse my home. I will be breaking out the incense to put positive energy into my home. The negative energy that has transitioned into my home is going, one way or another. I am no longer going to be the driving force around here to get things done, to make things right, or be everyone else's battering ram! 

When exhaustion goes bone deep, it is time to turn the tides. Mental, physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion causes too many health issues and I refuse to let this happen to me anymore. Leave your negativity at the door, leave your issues where ever you reside, don't tell me your issues unless you are planning to fix them, don't whine to me because you have made poor decisions and do not ask me to cut corners. I care about people, probably too much, but I'm tired. My cup is empty. As I refill my cup, those that drain it again will be out of my life. I'm not dealing with energy vampires anymore. Enough is enough. 

Today, I'm moving forward. Today, I'm taking my overwhelmed attitude as a challenge to grow, learn, and become better. You may see me struggle and even fall....but you will NEVER see me quit!

Salli