It's the first day of a new year, and I'm as agitated or even more so, than I was. I'm not sure what I thought would happen. Did I expect to wake up this morning and all the B.S. was just a dream(more like a nightmare) or that I'd wake up with some sort of positive energy that would just radiate through me? I'm not really sure WHAT I expected....but whatever it was, did not come to pass. If anything, I woke up edgier than when I went to bed.
I don't do resolutions. I will not stick to them, so I don't even bother to try! I've tried, I really have. I just don't always feel the same about them a week, month or even 6 months later. I live by what I feel in the moment. That's why I set goals and constantly revise them. Each year, I revise my goals around my birthday. That's the start of my new year. For about 6 years now, I've slowly let go of my need to control everything in my life. This has been a major pitfall for me. I have felt more and more out-of-control with each passing year. I've let things go, let things happen, and became more passive...none of this would have even been considered 8 years ago. The phrase "oh, so this is what we are doing now," has fit too well. I've allowed myself to be used, taken for granted, and left feeling like I only matter when someone needs something from me. While I get a lot of crap for all my lists and notebooks upon notebooks of notes, (most of it is in fun, but still hurtful), that was how I kept everything lined out.
Everything became super chaotic a few years back. A restructure on our farm, trying to work full time, plant/harvest/preserve gardens, keep up with budgets, livestock, meals, groceries, kids, laundry, and a half a million other projects; left me spiraling. None of this even includes dealing with a stage of life change, or some of the issues that were magnified from that-which included massive headaches. I became completely drained - mentally, emotionally and physically. Then the Summer of 2020, a back injury completely stopped me for months. Recovering from my injury still has not happened to 100%. It's really hard for me to swallow, not being able to do everything for myself, as I have always done. I have never needed anyone, as I learned early on not to. What I didn't know, I learned. What I didn't think I could do...I would try and find a way to do it. As I have progressed further into Peri-menopause, headaches have become a normal. These kicked up the past year, many of them are migraines. They come on out of nowhere, knock me clear down - sometimes for days. Fortunately, I can usually feel them coming on, so I can limit or reschedule things I need to. However, a lot of people just don't understand and then it's another stress on me.
So much of what I deal with, no one knows or understands. I'm not real forthcoming in my personal life. Especially online! I don't have those friendships that I can just openly talk about anything going on in my world. I have some that I trust, but there are areas that are just too private to talk about...even though sometimes I wish I could. Trust is a major issue for me. I know this. It's not something that comes easy, and a few that I have trusted - have burned that bridge. I have a couple of great friends that know most of what happens in my life, and they are priceless to me!! Too many people only want to know your business to use it against you.
I think I am going to set a resolution this year... I am going to work on me. I'm going to work on placing more value on me - not letting others use me, not letting others walk on me or treat me as if I don't matter. I'm going to work on rebuilding my physical strength, my mental strength and set boundaries and limits for what I need. I constantly work on me...this is something I do everyday anyway...but rebalancing myself and refilling my own cup...that will be new.
I have let go of so many things that I truly enjoy doing; photography, furniture building, hiking, anything in nature. I need to take time for me. My family is all old enough now to manage some of their own care. I will always be a Mom and Wife first, but I can't be the best person possible when I have nothing left to give. Maybe I need some friends to hold me to account. Help remind me that I need to take some time to focus on me. Who knows. I just know that it becomes too easy to just push the things I want to do off, as opposed to what needs done. I make life easier for others while complicating my own. I don't believe I could ever be selfish if someone really needed me, but I need to learn how to say no, how to say enough is enough, and how to say this is how it is...deal with it - without feeling guilty.
I've had enough of never feeling like enough. I give too many chances, and I have to accept that not everyone is good. Not everyone is going to feel as I do. That's a hard pill to swallow. Somewhere, over time, I have lost my voice. I let poor behavior slide with excuse after excuse. Life can be a struggle for all of us, but that is no excuse to behave poorly. Just because we may not know other's situations, does not mean it's ok to be ignorant.
So, there you have it. A step into my truly personal life. A resolution for the first time in more than a decade. Maybe writing this here will help keep my focus on this. Maybe not. Either way, it's a new year, so I will try something new. Setting a resolution, and actually sticking to it. Ha! We shall see! As my mind moves a million miles an hour, all-the-time, 2022 may prove to be a busy year here in this blog! From my personal journey, to our farm adventures, to continuing to help veterans however I can, and hopefully a few adventures along the way. I hope you will continue to follow along with my coffee chats, soap boxes, and maybe even some video blogs...if I get real adventurous!
Here's to new adventures, resolutions kept, finding balance and making time for some fun too!
Salli
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