Being mid way through January, I had hoped to be able to be further along in my organization and deep cleaning than I am. I've battled in my own mind, about the need to push myself because I've found a lull in motivation. Doing only what has to be done, has me at my wits end already. The past couple of years, I've myself kind of coming off the "fight or flight" mode, and focusing more on preparation - not just in the pantry/freezers but also in relationships. What I mean, is accepting where I stand with people, accepting that I am who I am and I am definitely NOT for everyone. My opinions and beliefs are not conventional. Honestly, sometimes they are challenged even by those closest to me. I'm sure everyone has heard the expression, "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one." Well, it's true in my experience. Doesn't make any of us right or wrong...not really. It's the point that our opinions stem from what we know in the moment, and are subject to change. As we learn more, we should be growing from the learned knowledge.Sadly, some just refuse to see what is right in front of them, because it challenges their perceived knowledge. It is what it is.
The thing for me, is learning and growing. It's understanding that while I do know some things, I don't know everything. I can't even pretend to. We live in a world of perpetual lies and false pretenses. Where to question anything is to become a conspiracy theorist, and a science denier. Isn't the exact purpose of science to question everything? So many demand proof and yet, won't believe it when you do provide it. They lack the ability to understand, let alone research for themselves.
As I have taken time to learn, I've learned so much that it's almost unbelievable. Politics aside, the vast amount of betrayal to regular everyday people, is mind blowing! Sadly, so many people are being lead on wild goose chases by people. As I said earlier, we all have opinions. I can not buy into a lot of theories, as I pray and ask for guidance on so much, I've had to learn discernment. I've listened to the religious theory of what is happening in our world. I listened to people "supposedly" in the know. I read the narratives put out by MSM. The ONE thing that I keep coming back to, is my own research. This is information that I have dug into myself. This is information that took me down some very dark paths, and lead to a lot of tears, a lot of anger, and has actually caused me to have to take a step away from for a bit. I get that people will only grasp what they are mentally able to absorb. I do. The struggle to remain in a place of blind trust, is unfortunate. I have to wonder how many scandals must be brought to light before the light bulb goes on?
Again, the desire to learn will typically lead to a change in you, as a person. This goes for every aspect of who you are. My own transformation began several decades ago. Anyone that comes from a divorced family will tell you. Learning to readjust after an dealing with a ugly divorce by parents, is hard on the kids. Then you throw in several health issues, including a cancer diagnosis, major life changes, and trauma is a big part of your vocabulary. Some people use trauma as a crutch to continue on a pity party and repeat poor behaviors and choices. Others use trauma, as not only a catalyst to do better but also a defense mechanism to avoid intimate relationships. I'm not talking about sexual relations here. I'm talking about keeping people at arms length to avoid anymore trauma. I myself have fallen into all of the above, at one point or another. One point I got to was anger. I was mad at the world for having to deal with so many things. Then I met a great friend that opened my eyes to something beyond what I had known. A couple of the many things he taught me, self confidence and knowing my value. While I have truly struggled with both over the past 20 or so years, I knew and felt both. The past handful of years, I have experienced more "enlightenment" or self-awareness, or something. Honestly, I'm not sure what you'd call it. I've spent time praying, I've spent a lot of time learning, I've struggled through some very scary memories, I've battled trying to find my own space in this great big world.
Honestly, I know some of this comes with this phase of life that I am in, but I refuse to believe that accounts for all of it. Mainly because I know a lot of others in this phase, and not even half of them have experienced a fraction of this. Maybe it was their upbringing, or their own mental state. Maybe they choose to believe in one thing or another. I honestly do not know. For me though, this has brought a lot of questions, a lot of memories I wish I didn't have, some "trauma" that was unnecessary, but has also brought about a desire to break the curses or patterns. Most of this, I have dealt with alone, as it is not something I care to make public. Also, so many people don't want to hear it. They don't want to have real conversations. Too many are comfortable with surface conversations and gossip. So, at least for me, it becomes about writing in my private journals, have some conversations that while are deeper...aren't really to the depth I need. It becomes about finding a means to release bottled emotions and thoughts.
This time of year is usually harder on me, because I can't be in my gardens or taking off a walk. Yes, I can still walk/hike, but I get too cold and do not want to deal with anymore illness than I already do. My time outdoors, whether it's gardening, walking, hiking, or mowing - are my releases from this pent up energy. I love spending time with all my critters. They are a nice distraction for about 30 minutes a day. As I have said before, I used to dance once in awhile too. Since I hurt my back, I have been afraid to do too much. Realistically, it doesn't take much for it start throbbing again. I know I need to keep working on rebuilding those muscles.
This leads into another kink. My days are usually pretty full. Up with the guys for coffee before they leave for work, do a little research, start laundry or do dishes from the night before. Check emails, visit social media, change laundry, do some pick up around the house, then it's breakfast for my daughter and I. Then we start our school day, deal with phone calls or messages while teaching. Then lunch, and a little free time before diving back into teaching. Then it's independent study while I run out to do my chores, and start meal preps. The guys get home, I start supper, they do their chores, we eat supper, they talk about their day and any animal/farm stuff going on, everyone does their showers, and then the noise box and technology takes over for the rest of the night. Now, in my day is feeding the bottle lambs a few times during the daily schedule, as well as ,checking the sheep during my lunch break. Now, you multiple that by 7 days a week and you have my schedule. When too many "other things," get thrown into my schedule it puts a burr under my saddle and sets me off. Trying to find time to take a break of my own is not existent. So, for those moms that are able to take a night out, I am proud of you for giving yourself that break!
So, I'm going to finish this out as it's time for another little sheep feeding. I know I am truly blessed with so many things. Some days, it's difficult to muster the energy to keep going when you feel like you are going sideways, rather than up!
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