"You have changed."

 

There are times that people say things that just seem to stick in your head, and linger without realizing why. I won't claim to know why, but this is one subject that has had that exact thing for me. The other day, my husband and I had a conversation, and a small part of that included how much I have changed and about when it happened. So, I am going to work through this, in writing.

Yes, I have changed, a lot! Some of it is a good thing, some...well, maybe not so much, but I'm still growing. You see, I believe we have to change or we become everything we claim we don't want to be. While my conversation a few days ago, was talking about basically the past 4 years while I have been researching...the truth is, I am no where even close to who I was a year ago, 5 years ago, and a far cry from who I was 25 years ago. Through the years, I have found ways to work through being uptight or stressed. Typically, that has something to do outdoors, crafty things, baking/cooking, or building furniture. I will find a focus to have an outlet from the changes to allow for a more level transition as I change. The past several years, the changes have blindsided me, by shear magnitude of knowledge gained. I have learned so much, deeply felt so much, and haven't found an outlet that works for more than a few hours. Now, to be fair, I have spent the past 7-8 years dealing with the menopausal transition also, and that alone will make you feel crazy! You mix that with, the research I have done, being in a long term relationship that has its own roller coaster of issues, add in extended family issues, kids growing up and the economic issues; and you have a recipe for extreme stress. This is typically when and where I hear "that's why I just do what I have to do, to get by because that stuff you talk about is too overwhelming." Guess what, It IS overwhelming, but because so many have become complacent and choose to ignore it or accept it because "no one can do anything to fix it," is EXACTLY why we are dealing with this chaos today! 

Anyway, I am not dealing with that today. I am focusing on me for now. Because the one thing I CAN change, is me. Even within my own home, I don't discuss most of my research. I can't. My research has gone deeper than my family can comprehend. I am not knocking my family, it's just the truth. They haven't reached the point of needing to understand yet. I don't need validation, from anyone, to be accepting of what I have learned. I know how my life has gone, I know the things that have been said and done to me, I know how many unhealthy coping mechanisms I have, I know how my independence is threatening to weak people, I know I can be harsh and unforgiving. I get it. I have had to accept all my flaws, all my own insecurities, and even my own advances have been largely in silence. I am seriously not someone, for everyone. I will be hurtful, when I am hurt or silent...which is usually worse. When I am scared and/or overwhelmed I withdraw and most don't even notice. I will only reach out for so long without reciprocation before I quit reaching out. Usually by then, it's too late. I am steeling my heart to no longer include what has hurt/upset me. 

Yes, I have changed, a LOT! I no longer have the desire to have meaningless conversations. I don't want to talk about anyone else...I want to plan my own path, and find those that want to walk beside me. I want to know that those that are in my inner circle are not drilling holes in my boat, while I trying to get the water out of it. I want people walking beside me that value me as much as I value them. That can see when I am hurting, upset, angry or down...without me having to lose my crap. I want people side me that are willing to give as much to me, as I am willing to give to them. To want, without me having to tell them, to give me respect and love. To say, "I know you can do this alone, but I want to help ease your load." So much of this, takes absolutely zero money. 

I can tell you, from a few conversations, that there are many women who are struggling in their relationships too. I can say, through 25 years, we have found more than our share of ruts. Some of those ruts have gotten pretty deep. Deep enough you just don't know how to get out of them. It's not impossible but it does take work! It takes both people working together to achieve the same goal. Ideally, you should be working together all along, but we don't live in a perfect world. So, we find these ruts in marriages and long term relationships. While I have studied a lot of "expert" advice on this, there is more valuable advice and resonating tools from our elders! So, here are a few things that have resonated for me: 1. continuing to "date" your partner - while you may be married or together for a long period, that does not guarantee it will always be that way. Relationships take continuous effort and work. 2. Running a household also takes 2 - it is not the sole responsibility of one partner. You both live in that household. You are not "helping" your partner by doing dishes, laundry, taking out trash, etc. You are helping to maintain your home that belongs to both of you and your family. This has nothing to do with what role you play, and everything to do with maintaining your shared space and family. 3. Do not ever take for granted that partner will always be there. That is one of the biggest fables we could believe in. In society, partners splitting has become "normal." We have become a society of throwing away things, instead of fixing them. You don't get rid of your vehicle because it's needs an oil change or a tank of fuel....you fix it, put fuel in it. Why on earth would you treat your partner any different?! You have an issue with your partner, you talk to them(communication), you work together to find a compromise that will work for BOTH of you. We all have toxic traits, so we are expected to work through them instead of being destructive to each other and our family's. 4. Communication and Compromise. (These are major issues within my own home.) Having conversations, being able to safely speak what you think/feel/need, is essential to keeping relationships out of the toilet. When you can't do this, there is a big problem. Finding a compromise can be challenging, but will allow a relationship to grow. Too many people become so set in their own ways, they neglect their relationships because they can not communication or find a compromise. 5. LISTEN!!!  So many times I have made the comment about talking until I am blue in the face, and still not being heard. Many times we hear just enough to respond, but don't actually listen to the conversation. We are reactive instead of proactive. We can talk all day long, but unless the other party is actually listening, nothing will get accomplished. Everything that is said, will fall on deaf ears. 

So, as I use this blog tool to get these thoughts out of my own head, I hope it will help others too. If nothing else, than to know there are other people facing these struggles too. Sadly, this is a continuous effort, and has been for generations. I would like to say I will be one that will break this generational trauma, but so far, I can't. Marriage and long term relationships take work by both people. It takes a concerted effort to get out of ruts, and stay out of them. It can not be one sided. Changing is part of life. Just think about the seasons! We have to grow as people, and that requires change. Sometimes those changes are painful. However, they can be manageable with good people by our sides. 

May 23, 2023. My updates

 Ya'll know how much I love being censored by social media. I have several strikes again. So, my daily thoughts are here...at least for today. 

I am tired. I just had this discussion with my husband recently. While I agree that over the past 4 years, I have changed a lot, I needed to. You see, I dove into research about 4 years ago, and by 2020...I got lost in information that changed me. It changed my view on just about everything. Since then, I have continued to research, continued to get lost in information/education that I was not aware of. Much of this information shook me to my core. Things that seemed so bone chilling, turned out to be true. Although research has become much more difficult in the past year due to a lot of false fact checks, and stories being pushed...I still dive deep nearly everyday. Yes, I have changed. No, I can no longer tolerate shallow/mindless conversations for any length of time. I have no interest in gossip, no interest in television, no interest in movies, no interest in anything that is not continuously helping to keep my family or my farm safe or sustainable. I have no desire to critique anyone else's choices. I may not agree with other's, but it's not place to debate what may or may not be right/wrong. What is my place, is my own life. 

My own life has some pretty big holes that could well be debated by other's who are still happy to gossip or judge. Whatever. If that petty path is what some choose, so be it. I have chosen to be diligent, work hard, focus on my own growth and continued education, and to help whomever would like to grow also. So, honestly, I actually talk to very few people...at least for any length of time. Even in my own home. You see, I know the gaps in my own areas: farm, preparations, family, finances, and improvements. I know my own faults, my own hypocrisy, and flaws. I work hard to better myself, but I am human. When you are in a position of battling alone, you change. Sometimes, those changes hit you on multiple fronts, all at once, and you are blindsided.

This has been my trouble for 4 years now. I was blindsided by my research. I did not have people to talk through some of the horrific findings with. No one wants to deal this stuff, especially when it is so dark and evil. I truly did not know the path of research would lead to so much depravity or evil. I did not realize the depth that my little bit of research would lead to. I see more people talking and sharing information everyday, that I had found 4 years ago. I am happy to see people diving into it, but I can tell you...it changed me, forever! Some things you can never unsee, or unlearn. 

I am not sure I want to go back to being blissfully unaware anyway. I personally feel too much to be able to just "forget" what I've learned. My instincts have lead me for so many years, that no longer listening to them, seems illogical. I spend a lot of time looking through research and letting my instincts guide my directions. You see, my instincts lead me to moving to Missouri in 1997. Although that seemed like such a rebellious thing at the time, I was pulled here. After one quick trip, I was pulled to be here. It made zero sense to most, and honestly...it made little sense to me at the time. I just knew I needed to be away from my family, start a life alone that was separate from everything I had known. In my gut, I knew this was the place. It has only been the last couple decades that I have learned of many family lines that have also been Missourians, some were residents in areas not too far from where I currently live. Most of family lines, came from farm/homesteading lives, so again, maybe I was drawn back to my family roots. I fought this life style for a lot of years. Trying to buck this life because it wasn't what other's or myself had seen for my life. However, I have grown to LOVE my life style, my farm, my homesteading, my independence, and even my endurance. Today, I would not want to live any other way, other life styles don't fit me anymore. 

In the 25 years of living more rural, I have learned so much. I learned, long before now, how to be prepared. So many don't realize what it is like anymore, to be snowed in/iced in/mudded in/flooded in. We have had ALL of these happen, at some point, over the past 25 years. When you do not live rural, you can't grasp that there are areas that can go DAYS after a snow/ice store without seeing a plow truck. You don't understand that gravel roads or even bridges can go under water when you live in areas of valley's and hills. You don't realize that there are still dirt roads! You learn quickly to always have several months of necessities on hand. You never know when you will be required to pull from those backups to get through. You never know a business will shut down, your hours will be cut, or your local economic times will be stressed so badly that you can afford to buy groceries for a month. So, you learn to stay prepared. You learn to think outside the box, and make your own paths. When you do not have 24/7 access to stores, you have an hour drive to get to a WalMart or more to get to a big box home improvement store; you stay prepared. As many are finding now, when inflation hits with a vengeance, and your dollar doesn't buy as much, you do all you can to pinch pennies. You begin to trim any and all fat from your budgets. You begin reverting to the fail safe, old fashioned ways that allowed our grandparents and great-grandparents to survive the depression and multiple recessions since. We have all grown accustomed to the "instant era." We order things online and they are there in a day or two. We don't actually mail out much, we live on credit, we have the need to waste precious money on things that we truly don't need - vacations, brand new vehicles, hyper inflated housing, etc. We have all gotten a little self-indulgent. A great example was a conversation my daughter and I had Saturday about the obesity issue. For many generations, people ate to live...instead of living to eat. People only ate quality foods and typically did not over indulge. Now, we are inundated with processed foods full of chemicals that add an addictive quality, less than 1% of American families now have even a garden let alone a farm, we are plagued with cheap fast food while the cost of quality is too expensive...yet, the cost of the healthcare to treat illness from all the cheap/chemical laced is never consider. The current healthcare system is not going to cure anything. They can not continue to make money off of patients that aren't sick. Period. My own experiences have been pretty massive when it comes to diet and chemical cleanses. 

I have several things to catch up on today. I took yesterday as a mental health day. I went through paperwork, went through record keeping, went through lists, took extra time for reflection since I was pretty stressed. I find myself needing extra time every so often anymore. Especially, after trying to explain my thoughts to people that don't want to hear them. Or people that have no desire to do/be more than what they currently are. It is quite draining. So, I will be back to my farm stuff today. Back to the final days of this year's home school year. Then we are taking a couple month break. I need it and so does my daughter. I have plenty to do, and several adventures for the summer. I hope to share a lot along the way, so watch for videos and updates!

Salli

Reflections

 

 

 

 

Reflection,  while this has more than one definition, I am referring to: a thought, idea or opinion formed or a remark made as a result of meditation, consideration of some subject matter, idea or purpose. I do a lot of reflecting, usually in the little time I get before my days get moving. 

I remember days when I was in the rat race. You literally ran from early morning until early the next morning, surviving on a couple hours of sleep. Constantly distracted by a job, travel, events, or entertainment. Spending several hours each week watching a movie, or the noise box. Attending fairs/festivals, getting caught up in the thrill of those expensive events. Traveling to other states, jumping on an Amtrak to go back to my hometown for visits quite frequently, attending concerts, rodeos, and even a lot of time in nightclubs. I can remember staying out having fun until 2-3 am, sleep for a couple hours to be back in class by 8, work from 10-2, class from 3 -5 and back to work from 7 until 1am; and then do it all over again. I can remember closing down clubs, to race back to where ever I was staying to catch a nap, head out on a boat for several hours, eat a bite, and start all over. Racing into Chi-town for any number of events - whether single or not, and not paying any mind as long as I stayed in the "safe" part of town. I did all these things, for several years. 

Oh, how life changed for me. Looking back, I know I changed a lot once I had my first child. My job was to be a mom. My husband and I would still take some time to go out once in a while, but not often. Our focus changed. We decided I would be a stay-at-home-mom very early on, so we had to adjust to living on a single income. That has not been easy, even 22 years ago, it was a struggle. My husband spent a lot of years working 2 fulltime jobs, to make sure we had what we needed. That left me home, with a baby alone, a LOT! We did a lot of the frugal living even then. The one thing that has always stuck with me, we may not have had much, but we always had what we needed. We had a great support network, and I had some incredible teachers during the years. 

Reflecting, for me has become a necessity. In today's world, we are inundated with drama, constantly. We are fed continuous commercials for things we "should buy," "talk to our doctors about," or the latest/greatest object. Somewhere along the way, we jumped the track from capitalism to consumerism. I think back and think about the stuff my grandparents or great-grandparents did or talked about. Vehicles for one. They would purchase a vehicle, take care of it/maintain it, and drive it until basically the wheels fell off. Now, we have people going out buying vehicles costing more than some people's houses, financing them for 10 years, and trading them off because they have a lot of miles/are the newest ones in their neighborhoods. Many households have more vehicles than they could drive. Real Estate is another. People have their primary homes, their vacation homes, their hunting/fishing property, rental properties, etc. Why?! How many of those people appear well off, but their debt to income ratio is beyond maxed out? So many of those people are struggling just to pay the monthly payments. Many decades ago, you were well off IF you actually owned what you had, not owed on all you had. Do you realize that the current credit card debt alone is at one of the all time highest levels? Many years ago, you did not consider preparation as an option. It was called life, even in non-rural areas. You always had several months supply of items on hand, you made due with what you had, you fixed what broke - not threw it out to go buy new. You lived within your means...even if that meant "living dirt floor poor." 

What the heck happened to those values? Now, if you buy a house(you truly have to finance them anymore), and don't have a 4,000 sq. ft. home, made of brick, with a useless yard to mow...people look down their noses. If you drive a 20 year old vehicle, that is just a sad day because even though it's paid off, it's not like the $100K car parked next to it. If you don't buy your kids some high priced name brand clothing, their are picked on in the schools. If you don't live in a "good" zip code or they don't go to the "right" college or even go to college, your child's education is not as good. If parents choose to keep one parent at home, oh boy, does everyone have something to say about that! 

The strange thing, well...at least one of them, about all of it, is that no matter what you do...someone, is going to look down their nose or belittle you. You truly can't win, if you listen to anyone else's opinions. Someone, is always going to tell you what you are doing wrong. I have come to the realization that people who live in glass houses, should not throw stones. You see, social media has allowed everyone to put their entire life on display. The good, the bad, the ugly and open themselves up to constant criticism. Even if you share something on your personal media, it opens a door for other's to insert their opinions, argue, and even let you know that because you have shared something...you are now making it a public opinion forum. Ok, well...that can work as a two-way street, although I attempt to keep off of other people's pages and their opinions. No matter how you cut it, when you share anything on social media, you will end up with all sorts of input. I have been pretty fortunate that none of my kids are real interested in any social media, for the most part. Most of the kids use it, but are not tied to it, and my youngest says it too much drama and crap. Most days, I agree with her. 

One thing I truly start my everyday focus with, is the blessings I have. My kids are always my number 1! They have made me a better person. I am always grateful and thankful to my husband, who has always been a great provider, and done everything he could to be the great dad he is too. He's an incredible person, albeit a bit harsh for most. I am blessed to have a life and life style that as a child I loved to dream about, never thought I would ever have. I have been blessed to be a strong and independent person. I can do most things on my own, even if I don't have to. While I have spent years struggling with religion, I am truly blessed to know that God can hear my prayers even if I can't find the words. He can hear my heart. I am blessed to have a spirituality that believes there is good in people, even those that don't look or act like me. I have found a path closer to God/Spirit/Source/Universe, whatever you choose to refer to our grand creator. 

I believe so many people have been shoved into the rat race, they have forgotten how to reflect and just be quiet. Our kids are into every sport/event so they never have time to be bored and learn to think creatively; like we did. As parents, we listen to all the chatter about how idle hands are causing trouble. I disagree with this. The lack of idle hands, has drive so many young people to constant connectivity and influence from some not-so-great, people. So many parents depend on technology, sports, events and the school system to raise their kids. Before I get ambushed again, I get it! Just being real, this is how it has all played out. The young people spend so much time on technology, they have forgotten how to interact with people...not just their own age, but the entire spectrum. Sure, it's great to have children within the same age group to play with, but how are they going to behave in real life when they have to interact with people older and younger than them? How will they ever appreciate the life lessons the elders could teach them, if they aren't ever allowed to spend much time with them? How will younger siblings/cousins have life long relationships when they never spend any time together? This one, I know a lot about. Having 3 younger siblings 2-9 years age differences, while I have a relationship with each of them now, I did not growing up...even into my 20's & 30's. Of course I love them, but to spend time with them, or be each other's support...not so much. My kids are close. I am so completely blessed with that. My boys have done a lot to look after their sister. My oldest, has been there to help teach her, play with her, teach her how to take care of animals, run the lawn mower, and a million other little moments to build on. I'm not disillusioned to think they will not have their fights, they have already a lot of BIG ones! My youngest is a spitfire, with zero tolerance for bullshit - from anyone! However, these kids will typically go to each other for advice, sometimes before coming to me. My kids have spent time with their grandparents, great-grandparents and even some time with great-great-grandparents. They spent time with aunts & uncles, and cousins. I have made plenty of mistakes, as all parents do, but I believe I done a lot of good things too. 

Today, as I took my lunch to write this, it dawned on me how much reflection means to me. I have my days, like today, when I can clearly see so many blessings. I also have days, when I feel sorry for myself and feel completely drained by everything I see as a blessing. Being the oldest child, I grew up knowing it was my responsibility to set good examples for my younger siblings. Knowing that those young people could look up and watch everything I did. So, I did my best, as a child myself, to do that. I have always had an issue with rules, but I did what I could. I also believe, that being an oldest child, has given me really high standards and expectations. I spent some time truly relaxing these, but the winds of change are turning that tide, again. If I have learned nothing else in my 48 years, I have learned this: depending on any outside praise, depending on any person aside from myself to see my value and worth. Having to depend on someone to say they are proud of you, that you have done your best, or anything of the sort...opens a door for complete let down. Not because people can't see it, but because so many are trying to live up to standards that are only real on a movie screen. 

Be blessed!

Communicating - drawing a line...

 

It's funny that drawing a line is necessary, when simply talking could avoid so much turmoil. I know this whole technology phase is the fad, but I have seen the damages done when people don't know how to communicate, or choose not. 

Having difficult conversations is never an easy task. It's made a million times more difficult when the effort is not even put forth to attempt it. This plays into every aspect of life; from basic conversations in public to families to relationships, and so much more. Technology has allowed miscommunications, misunderstandings, and frankly, it has created an awful lot of trouble that could have been avoided. 

Let's start with simple basic conversations. How many people know their neighbors and actually talk to them anymore? What about having simple corrigible conversations when you are in public? Do people actually do this anymore? My own experiences have shown people to just get pushy, ignorant and down right rude, instead of a simple polite statement. While I don't have a "neighborhood" to speak of, all of our neighbors within our little corner of the map, know if they need help, we will be there. It's incredible for me to think it is not this way everywhere, but I know it's not. We don't need to be all up in everyone else's business, but if help is needed, we are just a phone call away.

Communication within family units has become just as poor. This includes between spouses, children, and extended family. I once read that many people follow us on social media, not to actually stay in touch but have something to gossip about with others. That was so sad to me. Especially, when it involves family. We have had our own experiences with major break downs in communication, within our home and our extended families. In my extended family, it has been an ongoing joke that once you get in the family, you never get out. Apparently, that is not the case in most families. Again, I find this sad. Not only is chosen family something that I believe in, but sometimes they are more loyal and trustworthy than those DNA related. Anyway, having conversations, communicating, is difficult no doubt. Especially when egos are bruised, others don't know how to communicate, and outside manipulations take place. Many that read my blogs know that my Mother-In-Law passed away in September. Her husband, my Father-In-Law, is still my Father-In-Law. His children are still family too. Unfortunately, not everyone believes the way I do. I was left in a very difficult situation since it is really not my place to say or do anything. However, I have spent a lot of years playing referee within these ranks, and now I am not sure how to manage it. I have given out blanket invitations for different events, but I also gave my word that I would not be a babysitter after the comment was made, after calling every few days to check in. What do you do? I would like to speak my mind, but so far I have just managed to bite my tongue. I have pushed my own parents, after  my Mother-In-Laws unexpected passing, to get their affairs in order, and have it all written out. Again, I am not their babysitters, nor am I their parents. I am not one to want much in the money department, I didn't earn it. They worked for the money they get...they should spend it while they are alive. Family memorabilia, photos, family history, those types of things should stay within the family. Not sold at an auction, or given to a second hand store or thrown out. I know all of my husband and I's stuff is already in writing, both kids and our bonus kids know exactly what they should do, so there is zero question when we are gone. I do not believe in sneaky, underhanded bullshit. When you lay your cards on the table, have the difficult conversations, everyone knows where you stand...it makes life a hell of a lot less of a drama. 

As I have shared, even relationships are struggling with communication anymore. Everyone is wrapped up in technology whether that be their phones or the noise box. When you attempt to have conversations, you are met with dead air, single word answers, or having to yell over the noise box. Talking about anything beyond surface subjects becomes more and more difficult. You have to rush through conversations because something is coming on the noise box, get interrupted by the phone ringing, or attention is divided between talking and scrolling through social media. It's a nightmare. You get to a point that you are in a room full of people and you're lonelier than if you were actually alone. It's quite pathetic actually. After a while of this, you quit trying to fight that battle and just resign yourself to the way it is. You become quiet, withdrawn and no one notices. At least until you find another soul that needs that communication, like you do! Then you can talk for hours, about anything and nothing, and you feel refreshed. 

It is no wonder to me, why so many struggle with depression, anxiety, panic attacks. No one actually talks anymore. So many want to text, message, or call(which is better than the first two,) but actually being in the presence of another human and talking...not looking or answering the stupid phones. I truly have a love/hate relationship with technology. I know the value it can hold, but I also know the cost. Some days, I believe if all the technology just went away, maybe people would behave with empathy and compassion again. I know both are unlikely...

I, for one, crave real conversation. Not the surface crap. I want to talk about things that matter, learn as much as I possibly can, and be able to grow into a better person. God knows I have made plenty of mistakes, have more than enough flaws, have regrets, and am no where even close to perfect! I have plenty of room for improvement! However, I work hard to constantly better myself. I have had to set boundaries because other's found it necessary to bowl over me, or throw around guilt trips/manipulation. I had to learn my limits, and my breaking points...many times the hard way. I have a blessing/sometimes curse, of caring too much, and that has caused me a lot of heartbreak, but that is who I am. I would much rather care about others, than become a cold, bitter, cantankerous person no one wants to be around. I would rather be welcoming to those that want me in their lives than to push people away until it convenient to want them. I know the how much people mean to me, and those I care about are worth more than any material possession will ever be worth. 

I know how important this subject is to me, and I hope everyone that reads this, will find your way into better communication with those you care about. The more people I speak to, the more this comes up. Our loved ones are worth more than any material possession will ever be. Treat them as such. Show them in actions not just words what they mean to you. Words can be beautiful but mean nothing if actions don't follow.

Coffee Chatting Again

 

It's that time again. Spring and warmer temps have finally reach my corner of the world. The furnace is off, the A/C's have been put back in the windows, the greenhouse is full of seed starts, the garden is worked, we are past the last frost, and the garden planting has begun. Throw in extended family having serious health issues, me having serious health issues, an economic crisis that has hit my own household very hard, and a feeling of complete overwhelm...and you have the perfect storm. 

So, let's talk through this. I have a few great friends that I speak with often and we trudge through all the "good, bad and ugly" of life. We all know life is a bed of roses...beautiful, but full of those painful thorns to remind us of the not so pretty parts. Some days it gets to be too much, and that sometimes spills into weeks or even months. Especially when you feel like you fighting the battle alone. I am not a person that believes I can talk to God, and that he will just miraculously fix everything. I believe it's my job to get off my ass, and do what I can while God does what he can. I do not believe in being lazy. I also believe that you can not lead anyone else if you are not willing to walk the walk, and lead by example. Pretty words, not matched by a good heart, good intentions or living the examples you preach are just "false prophets." There is not a single person on this Earth that is perfect, that lacks in some department of sin, or should judge anyone for sinning differently than they do. Folks, each of us have a path, not all are the same. We are here to help others, not judge them, not preach about their sins while we neglect our own. I will not dive into the religious VS. spiritual debate today. Most can't handle that right now.

Today, I do want to dive into a world that seems to be like a snow globe. All shook up, with the fake snow going everywhere. Unless you are completely oblivious, you have got to see the chaos that our world has become. Let's just start right here in our country. Our country is hurting. American citizens have been walking a tightrope since 2020. Our government spent billions infusing money into our economy to make up for shutting it down. People made bad decisions financially when they had "free" money to play with. We learned very quickly how much our supply chain was affected by economies shutting down worldwide. We learned how quickly every single business could be altered by prioritizing the "essential" usefulness of certain industries, all the while...those essential workers, have changed rapidly since 2020. We have watched too many power grabbing, money hungry politicians and business owners; destroy everything they touch. We have seen 401K's lose thousands and more in value since 2020. We have seen hundreds of thousands of businesses shutter, never to reopen. We have lost employees, that no one seems to be able to find, since 2020. Businesses are hiring new employees, to have warm bodies but no experience, at higher rates of pay than the employees that have kept these businesses operating. Customer service, for the most part, is non-existent. The banking industry is once again in free fall, and being bailed out, yet again, by the Fed...and guess who is really on the hook for those bail outs?! The American tax payer. Yet, there is zero help to the American tax payer. Our government is continually sending billions of dollars overseas, which is being printed out of thin air. Again, the American tax payer is on the hook for that too. The large majority of politicians, the ones that are supposed to represent the constituents that elect them, spend more time brokering their lobby money, insider trading and how they can make a fortune...and do NOTHING for the average citizen. Yet, they miraculously keep getting elected. We have had 4-6, depending on what you believe, banks fail since March. I hate to break this to you, but this exceeds the number of failures during the Great Recession of 2008...and it's not over yet! We may be able to get food and goods right now, but can you afford them? From my experience just yesterday, the cost of food and fuel alone, has nearly tripled in less than 2 years. My own mortgage loan was "modified" unexpectedly, which increased the interest rate by 3%, and the payment by nearly $200. This does not touch the interest rates on credit cards, vehicle loans, personal loans, or student loans. Have your incomes increased to match the REAL cost of living increases? Ours has not! 

I know everyone, myself included, gets tired of hearing me talk about being prepared. I truly get sick of repeating myself, getting the nasty messages, and the excuses not to. The thing is...I want to help. I have had to take some time off, because I found myself getting very angry and bitter as the small mindedness. I was hurt by people getting upset that someone was trying to help make sure they would/could survive - even if for a couple of months, should all hell break loose. I do not have a self-absorbed, small-minded, or selfish bone in my body. Although, I find myself getting closer to not giving a shit who lives and who doesn't with some of the nastiness I have been on the receiving end of. I know you can never be fully prepared for anything. There will always be something that blindsides us. But, working to have no less than a 2 month supply of your necessities, having a 2-6 month supply of cash should your bank shutter, having the skills to be able to keep yourself alive should the power or water supply not be available...THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME! You do realize that each of us today, are ONLY ALIVE, because our ancestors knew ALL this, right?! Our great-grandparents, our great-great-grandparents....they all knew these things. They were prepared, many of them survived the Great Depression, and were children from that era. They knew how to be self-sustainable - THEY DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE! Realistically, we are in that position once again, we really do not have a choice. Just as the Depression taught those folks, we are learning now, no one is coming to save us. It is up to us to be our support, build our own networks, learn skills that are useful to survival, and to help each other when/where we can. We are on our own people. These politicians are only interested in the American people when it comes time to vote. It no longer matters what party, they are all the same. 

I have had to make some time for some serious re-evaluating in my own life. When you choose to ignore issues, those issues do not go away. Likely, they lay dormant until another issue piles on top.Eventually, you have similar to a Jenga game, where the tower is leaning and the foundation is shaky and one wrong move is going to cause that tower to tumble. With that analogy, you can find a lot of relationships. My own included. I have been the one doing all the research, trying to explain this information and prepare my home. While my family half ass listens, they do not grasp most of it. They don't want to see the forest through the trees. I manage the budget, I manage the groceries, I manage the projects, I manage the gardening/preserving, I manage the school work, the housework, the laundry, the mowing, the trimming, remembering birthday's and anniversary's, try to keep some annual events running smoothly to have some interaction with people outside my family. Again, like so many online, my own household has some issues understanding/listening/grasping what is happening outside our immediate bubble. I do what I can, but I am only one person. While my guys handle the sheep, cows, mechanics of farm equipment, and the hay...it takes an act of congress to get much more. To say, I have to lose my shit before anyone hears me...is typical. I can tell you that the amount of time it takes for school work and paperwork in my home is ridiculous, but I haven't found a better system yet. I am working on that though. I don't believe in being sedentary. I am always in motion, whether that be physically or mentally. I force myself to learn something new every single day. I am learning new gardening hacks, new food preservation ideas, different cooking methods with cast iron, repurposing ideas to avoid having to spend unnecessarily. I have learned seed saving, growing in containers, herbalism, and natural health. I have learned and by lots of trial and error, how to cook most things from scratch. I do all I can to help those who need help, when it's possible. Right now, my own life is strung so tight, I'm doing I can to try to help us! While I'm sure my own family has not grasped it, I will once again say, you better cut corners where you can. You need to get your own houses in order - not just with food, water, etc. but also financially. From experience, the current economic times can and will bite you in the ass if you don't pay attention!

I hope that everyone is seeing what is truly happening. I also hope you are doing what you can to help yourselves and those around you. Building a network of reliable, trustworthy people around you can truly help you in the long run. Be safe, be aware of your surroundings at all times, learn self defense, and be prepared for the worst, while praying for the best!

Life and Times

 

I'm pretty sure absolutely everyone is feeling the pinch of the current economic times. I don't need to beat a dead horse with more details of it. However, I will continue to talk until I'm blue in the face, about being prepared, having a stock pile of necessities, and learning how to take care of yourself in the event of another era of Depression. 

In life and times today, it takes a lot more gumption to just get by. Not only has the cost of everything gone through the roof, but the quality of so much has diminished too. We have become conditioned to expect less, pay more, and many happily do this. I don't understand it. No, I will take that back. In some instances, I get it and I am upset by a majority of it. For instance, the cost of renting. Even when the interest rates were extremely low, those owning rental units were charging excessive amounts of rent. I understand the destruction of renters. I have dealt with that first hand. For some, being able to purchase a home, even with low interest, was not an option. Some need to have better budgeting skills, money management skills, some just couldn't make enough to save the 20% down payment. I get that. What I do not get is landlords that were charging $1000 month for a house, wanting first/last/security up front...at this point you could have bought a small home. I don't understand, why they do this. I don't even want to. However, because all those that chose to rent, did not have an option of paying the outrageous amounts. Sadly, had those renters bought their homes, their mortgage cost would have been so much less than their rent. I am not judging anyone!!! I am just trying to make a point. We have overpaid for so much, for so long, we are conditioned to believe this is just what we have to deal with. Another area is the amount of debts so many of us have become conditioned to believe is acceptable. Have you gone to get a loan, let's say for a home, and been told that your home purchase value should be no more than 5 years worth of your salary? That was once the common concept. If you look at the price of your home, is it valued at 5 years of your current salary? Many have 30-50 year mortgages now. Holy crap!!! No one seems to look at the actual cost anymore, only if they can afford the monthly payment. It no longer matters what the interest rate is, what the total of all payments will be, or even if you could continue to afford it if you lost one income. 

What is being done to all of us, is a nightmare. I know I have voiced my anger at the cost of food/goods for years. I will typically find an off brand to use to help offset some of the higher prices when I can. Unfortunately, my kids and I have some pretty severe allergies, so some items can not be avoided. Can you find items that are a little cheaper, yes. However, a good rule of thumb, you get what you pay for. I have completely stopped shopping at a certain big box store, and chosen to only shop local. This is an option I have. Before I get a diatribe about not everyone having that option, I understand that. This is just what I am doing. It really doesn't pay for me drive an hour each way to go to one of those big box stores. Anyway, I buy in bulk when I can. Again, I know this is not an option for everyone, this is what I am doing to combat rising prices. I plant, grow, raise, and preserve most of my own foods. It has taken me years to get back to this level...and I'm not fully where I was 8 years ago. I have bought old cook books, and learned a lot of depression era recipes. I am constantly learning about the healing properties of different herbs and spices. I am relearning what was probably my great-grandparents life style, and living that life today. It is a simpler life, although it is a lot of hard work. The one thing I keep having to remind myself is this: this life is all they knew. They worked hard from before sun up, until after sun down. They made sacrifices to make sure their families were taken care of, and that they would always have food on the table - even if there wasn't much of it. They were SURVIVORS! Not whiners. They didn't have a choice but to live within their means, or even living under their means. They were not slaves to debt. They didn't trust bankers, lawyers or government. They saw, with open eyes, the deceptive illusions they all presented. I can't help but wonder how their mind set was lost on so many generations. It seems to be normal now to carry credit card debt, a vehicle loan, a house payment, or the shady buy here/pay here debts. It's become acceptable to carry debt, and let someone else be responsible for it - ie. student loans, bankruptcy, divorce, etc. I'm not judging anyone, so no one needs to get their panties in a bunch. I'm just speaking of what I have seen. In my eyes, it all goes back to everyone wants rights, but no one wants to take responsibilities. 

 

I have spent a LOT of years being very frugal,  out of necessity and responsibility. I am not sure I would remember how not to be frugal, if I tried. Now, understand...NOT ALL in my own household hold this same value. It is a big challenge for me. However, I will happily go to yard sales all Summer, to get items of need - even if that need won't be until Winter time, or even the next year. I will buy food in bulk, and have learned to preserve almost everything. I reuse sour cream/cottage cheese containers like some used the old Country Crock containers decades ago. I'm not above washing foil pans that can be reused, foil that can be reused, or even ziplock bags. Old t-shirts become cleaning rags, old wash clothes become dusting/oil rags. I can feed 10 people with less than 2 lbs. of meat. We save left overs for lunches the next day and one night a week, all the left overs get reheated. I save bacon grease. When I don't know how to do something, I go on a mission to learn! Many things I do, are self-taught or I have taken classes on/off line to learn. Can't is not something that is a regular in my vocabulary. I have utilized local second hand stores. I'm not afraid to barter, although when people are trying to sell old, worn out stuff for the cost of new...I walk away. I know how to build furniture, so purchasing high priced junk at the stores is not in my wheel house. I'm not afraid of what I don't know. I will gladly learn new and useful information. 

I took on a big challenge when I married into my life now. Out of that challenge, were valuable and life long skills, that I share with my littles, and have been. Raising livestock - cows, chickens, ducks, sheep, pigs, and goats...were all learning experiences for me, and I learned along side of my kids. Growing and preserving garden vegetables and fruits, was a blessing I will be forever grateful to have learned. I continue to grow my skills and knowledge on this every single day. Learning the value of homestead life, and not running all over trying to find some form of something, has been truly the hardest part. Living this life does not allow for vacations, weekend get aways, and typically even day trips are extremely minimal. There is just too much to take care of, no one that wants to even fill in for a day because there is so much, and you can not leave animals - livestock or pets unattended. Too many things can not only happen, but can cost you money/property/items. We have predators like coyote, fox, eagles, and humans. A fence being damaged by storms, deer, or a neighbors cows can result in our sheep getting out and being in the road. Which in turn is property damage should someone hit them, and a massive financial loss for our farm. Realistically, it doesn't matter what type of animal - sheep, cows, goats, dogs, chickens, pigs, ducks - if they got out would be a financial loss to our farm, and our food supply. So, it is imperative that we provide the care for them daily. Gardening on the scale that I do, is sometimes a pretty big undertaking. Just because I plant something, does not guarantee it will grow and produce. So much plays into growing your own food. The weather is always a big variable, as is rodents, wandering dogs, run off/blown chemicals from neighboring fields, and yes, even my own mistakes. Gardening means taking time several times a week to weed the gardens. I can tell you, sometimes mine get away from me. That just means it takes twice the time and effort to get them back to productive status. Then you battle insects, disease, and even poor quality seeds/plants. When it comes time for harvesting those vegetables and fruits, then you have another big undertaking. The preservation. This is not only time consuming, but also a lot of work. It seems as though everything comes ready at once. So, I may have a pressure canner full of stewed tomatoes, one full of green beans, have to chop up onions and peppers to put in the freezer, and have beets to dehydrate. Or any number of other combinations.Every year, preserving 800-1500 jars of vegetables, fruits, jellies; in not uncommon. Some of those things will feed us for a couple of years, some for a single year. I have learned how much of stuff we go through in a year; from flour to sugar, beef and pork, soups, jellies, spices - just about everything we eat, I know how much we use in a year. For a few examples, I know we go through a little less than 200 lbs. of flour a year, 140 lbs. of sugar, 45 quarts of pasta sauce, 8-10 pints of pickled beets, 23 quarts of stewed tomatoes, 56 quarts of green beans, the equivalent of 1 butchered cow and 3 butchered pigs a year, and roughly 60 dozen eggs - depending on how much I bake. I plan meals out, no less than a week at a time. I do my grocery shopping based off the meal plans. I keep a weekly inventory of food, paper products, meat, soaps, pet food, and livestock feeds. I attempt to keep a minimum of 6 months of necessities on hand. This does not always happen! Every 3-4 months I will rotate items that need rotated. I will make a list of items that we need to restock; paper towels, soaps, food, toilet paper, spices, essential oils, alcohol(truly for medicinal use), first aid supplies, medicines - basically any items that we do not have a 6 month supply of. I don't have room to keep it all, but I make room. I put my family's survival higher than my need to have a show quality home. 

 

Another area that is not a common trait, is our home schooling. This adventure began about 14 years ago, and I do not regret a minute of it! After issues dealing with our local district, I jumped into this and it was one of the smartest things I have ever done. There have been a lot of trial and errors, but the reward of teaching my children and seeing them excel not only at their pace, but in a manner that allowed them learn best, has been indescribable. Having one child that learned through books, some hands on, in a very structured setting; while having another child that is less into books, more into hands on, and thrives at later in the day learning; these are things you can not get with the education system of public schooling. Forcing children to conform breeds trouble, and in turn fuels a dislike for learning. My youngest has actually been my bigger challenge, but once I learned how to best teach her...it's been a lot easier. Adding in more hands on learning, more verbal directions, and breaking down some of the more monotonous subjects into manageable  segments has lifted stress from both of us. She learns better later in the day...so we may focus on school work from lunch until time for chores, some days we throw in a few extra hours after supper, and it is normal to be working on projects all weekend too. While we may get behind what I want to get accomplished in a month, we are well ahead of where we need to be. Our next school year, the start of her high school years, begins in July. We do school work, in some fashion, year round. We take time off as we need it, take time for our annual gatherings, and the major holidays, but we never have gotten behind where we need to be for each year. The great thing about teaching my children, has been allowing them to learn at their pace. Each of my kids has excelled in different subjects. My oldest was great in history, reading, and vocabulary. My youngest, it's been vocabulary and science. Allowing them learn at their pace, allowed each of the kids to move grade levels in areas they excelled, and to spend more time in areas they struggled. My youngest, currently has vocab at a grade 11 level, 3 years ahead of the actual grade level. My oldest was doing college history as a freshman. None of this even touches the bond I was blessed to have with my kids. This is not to say there weren't days of battles! They are kids. However, being with my kids, teaching my kids, being mom full-time, adding in skills they would actually use in real life; has made all the difference in the world. There have been plenty of frustrations, from not having the support of doing this to the snide or ignorant remarks, it was a big challenge at times. It has taken me being strong, determined and not afraid of bucking the system! 

As this new month, and new week begins, I am doing a lot of re-evaluating. There has been a lot thrown at me already this year. So, have a fresh month, seems like a great time to make a fresh start. I have spent a lot of years dealing with one headache or another. I have had to play middleman, or referee too. I plan to attempt to clean up one mess, not of my doing, and then I'm done with that. I have carried the weight of always being the bad guy, and I suppose when you are accused of something long enough...you might as well live up to the reputation. I will not treat others as I have been treated, I am better than that. However, I do have high standards for myself, and anyone choosing to be close to me will be having to meet them as well. No more rent free, living in my space, making me feel "less than," is acceptable. Step up or step out of the way. Those that behave badly, will left behind. I have spent years battling to always be an example, be responsible, be what others thought I should be. It's now time, that I do what is best for me. As it's said, I am not everyone's cup tea.