"You have changed."

 

There are times that people say things that just seem to stick in your head, and linger without realizing why. I won't claim to know why, but this is one subject that has had that exact thing for me. The other day, my husband and I had a conversation, and a small part of that included how much I have changed and about when it happened. So, I am going to work through this, in writing.

Yes, I have changed, a lot! Some of it is a good thing, some...well, maybe not so much, but I'm still growing. You see, I believe we have to change or we become everything we claim we don't want to be. While my conversation a few days ago, was talking about basically the past 4 years while I have been researching...the truth is, I am no where even close to who I was a year ago, 5 years ago, and a far cry from who I was 25 years ago. Through the years, I have found ways to work through being uptight or stressed. Typically, that has something to do outdoors, crafty things, baking/cooking, or building furniture. I will find a focus to have an outlet from the changes to allow for a more level transition as I change. The past several years, the changes have blindsided me, by shear magnitude of knowledge gained. I have learned so much, deeply felt so much, and haven't found an outlet that works for more than a few hours. Now, to be fair, I have spent the past 7-8 years dealing with the menopausal transition also, and that alone will make you feel crazy! You mix that with, the research I have done, being in a long term relationship that has its own roller coaster of issues, add in extended family issues, kids growing up and the economic issues; and you have a recipe for extreme stress. This is typically when and where I hear "that's why I just do what I have to do, to get by because that stuff you talk about is too overwhelming." Guess what, It IS overwhelming, but because so many have become complacent and choose to ignore it or accept it because "no one can do anything to fix it," is EXACTLY why we are dealing with this chaos today! 

Anyway, I am not dealing with that today. I am focusing on me for now. Because the one thing I CAN change, is me. Even within my own home, I don't discuss most of my research. I can't. My research has gone deeper than my family can comprehend. I am not knocking my family, it's just the truth. They haven't reached the point of needing to understand yet. I don't need validation, from anyone, to be accepting of what I have learned. I know how my life has gone, I know the things that have been said and done to me, I know how many unhealthy coping mechanisms I have, I know how my independence is threatening to weak people, I know I can be harsh and unforgiving. I get it. I have had to accept all my flaws, all my own insecurities, and even my own advances have been largely in silence. I am seriously not someone, for everyone. I will be hurtful, when I am hurt or silent...which is usually worse. When I am scared and/or overwhelmed I withdraw and most don't even notice. I will only reach out for so long without reciprocation before I quit reaching out. Usually by then, it's too late. I am steeling my heart to no longer include what has hurt/upset me. 

Yes, I have changed, a LOT! I no longer have the desire to have meaningless conversations. I don't want to talk about anyone else...I want to plan my own path, and find those that want to walk beside me. I want to know that those that are in my inner circle are not drilling holes in my boat, while I trying to get the water out of it. I want people walking beside me that value me as much as I value them. That can see when I am hurting, upset, angry or down...without me having to lose my crap. I want people side me that are willing to give as much to me, as I am willing to give to them. To want, without me having to tell them, to give me respect and love. To say, "I know you can do this alone, but I want to help ease your load." So much of this, takes absolutely zero money. 

I can tell you, from a few conversations, that there are many women who are struggling in their relationships too. I can say, through 25 years, we have found more than our share of ruts. Some of those ruts have gotten pretty deep. Deep enough you just don't know how to get out of them. It's not impossible but it does take work! It takes both people working together to achieve the same goal. Ideally, you should be working together all along, but we don't live in a perfect world. So, we find these ruts in marriages and long term relationships. While I have studied a lot of "expert" advice on this, there is more valuable advice and resonating tools from our elders! So, here are a few things that have resonated for me: 1. continuing to "date" your partner - while you may be married or together for a long period, that does not guarantee it will always be that way. Relationships take continuous effort and work. 2. Running a household also takes 2 - it is not the sole responsibility of one partner. You both live in that household. You are not "helping" your partner by doing dishes, laundry, taking out trash, etc. You are helping to maintain your home that belongs to both of you and your family. This has nothing to do with what role you play, and everything to do with maintaining your shared space and family. 3. Do not ever take for granted that partner will always be there. That is one of the biggest fables we could believe in. In society, partners splitting has become "normal." We have become a society of throwing away things, instead of fixing them. You don't get rid of your vehicle because it's needs an oil change or a tank of fuel....you fix it, put fuel in it. Why on earth would you treat your partner any different?! You have an issue with your partner, you talk to them(communication), you work together to find a compromise that will work for BOTH of you. We all have toxic traits, so we are expected to work through them instead of being destructive to each other and our family's. 4. Communication and Compromise. (These are major issues within my own home.) Having conversations, being able to safely speak what you think/feel/need, is essential to keeping relationships out of the toilet. When you can't do this, there is a big problem. Finding a compromise can be challenging, but will allow a relationship to grow. Too many people become so set in their own ways, they neglect their relationships because they can not communication or find a compromise. 5. LISTEN!!!  So many times I have made the comment about talking until I am blue in the face, and still not being heard. Many times we hear just enough to respond, but don't actually listen to the conversation. We are reactive instead of proactive. We can talk all day long, but unless the other party is actually listening, nothing will get accomplished. Everything that is said, will fall on deaf ears. 

So, as I use this blog tool to get these thoughts out of my own head, I hope it will help others too. If nothing else, than to know there are other people facing these struggles too. Sadly, this is a continuous effort, and has been for generations. I would like to say I will be one that will break this generational trauma, but so far, I can't. Marriage and long term relationships take work by both people. It takes a concerted effort to get out of ruts, and stay out of them. It can not be one sided. Changing is part of life. Just think about the seasons! We have to grow as people, and that requires change. Sometimes those changes are painful. However, they can be manageable with good people by our sides.