It's time for some DEEP cleaning!!!
I don't even know where to begin today! I am beyond ticked about so many different things. My stupid cell phone was the catalyst to the frayed end of my rope lately. I work very hard to manage my temper and my moods. I'm talking dozens of notebooks of journaling to keep too many thoughts from piling up in my head or spewing out of my mouth. The minute amount that I share online doesn't even cover a small fraction! I'm told I think too deeply, too much or whatever...maybe the real issue is others don't think enough.
I may think too deeply, but I can promise I am a "too much" kind of person. I love, care, think, give loyalty, and give empathy too much too. I'm not for everyone, especially the weak. I am honest to a fault, will argue what I know to be true, and I will research the hell out of things that I don't know or don't make sense to me. If you have any clue about who I am as a person, you will know my facial expressions will tell an entire story before I can even school them! One thing I can tell you from experience, there are more people that ignore or don't pay attention to details let alone anything else, than there are that do. When you have the character I do, you get taken for granted a LOT!
I don't dislike who I am, it's actually quite the opposite. I have grown to love the woman I am, flaws and all! All the trials I have faced in my life, they did shape me, but they also made me a better person. I have chosen to rise above them, to learn from them and to push myself to become better. I could have easily taken the other path; becoming bitter, using them as excuses to not do/be better, to become depressed or oppressed, or worthless. I'm NOT! I am smart, because I was once stupid. I am strong because I was once weak. I am stubborn, hardheaded, set in my ways - because I was once run over, used, and treated badly. Meek, weak, frail, can't....THESE ARE NOT IN MY VOCABULARY. I have struggles that would be a bit less if I didn't buck the "system" at every turn, but I refuse to just live on my knees.
My final thoughts on this line: I am too much for many. I get that. Even when I am too much, I am worth it for the right people. The rest are not my people, they are just lessons to learn from. I am perfectly me, good, bad or ugly. I am happy to be unique, not like everyone else. Sadly, I wish I had learned this 40 years ago. Life, phases of life, people, and situations cause us to face reactions or responses to actions...and as we get older, we learn that when patterns repeat, you have to remove that toxicity from your life or you will be dragging an anchor behind you and you will end up going down with it.
As I move on to more mental clean out, I know many will tune out or leave this blog. It's ok. I am only one person, I can't save everyone or even help everyone. I honestly don't want to. I want to give thoughts, experience and ideas to others that fall into the same "too much" category that I do. The world is experiencing what some are calling a spiritual battle of epic proportions. I feel this in my own gut to be true. The world is on fire. We are dealing with weak leadership, war mongering politicians in every country of the world, our fiscal irresponsibility have created an unrepayable debt, our children/grand children are being strapped with that debt, too many people are distracted by things that shouldn't matter yet are intentionally ignoring the things that should, consumerism has replaced capitalism, family units have been divided for decades but are being further divided by ignorance, greed has taken the place of empathy/responsibility/moral. While I am not religious, the understanding of a God, whatever name you choose to address this, has been replaced with worship of actors, sports figures, and a million other things. One area of trouble for me has been having a twenty something still living at home. So many people have looked down their noses at this. Has everyone forgotten that having multi-generational homes was NORMAL until about 50 years ago?! Why has this become such a taboo thing now? Sure, I get parents wanting to down size or spend time alone. However, in my case, that is neither one an issue. When I became a parent, in my mind, that is a lifetime job. That means I will always do, say and push for what I believe to be best for my kids. I don't care if they are 5, 35 or 75!! With the state of our country, the economic uncertainty, and even the multiple wars happening currently - it makes ZERO sense to push my kids to buy, let alone rent a house. ZERO sense to rack up unnecessary debt. Sure, we can all give advice that seems to fit the situation, BUT we do not always KNOW the entire situation...and encouraging debt at today's interest rates on everything is irresponsible and could potentially be detrimental to people and relationships. Realistically, relationships are in such turmoil in today's world...they do not need any more flames. Realistically, we should ALL be learning to be more fiscally responsible. What happens if you lose your job, lose your pension or retirement; do you have the cash money to support yourself until you can get another income? When 70% of this country depends on their job, pension, retirement, social security or disability....that also means the large majority of this country would be SUNK if they lost it!! American's especially, have become not only weak but debt driven. When it takes 20% down, 8-10% interest for good credit; to purchase a home 60% inflated above the average American income - NOW, is NOT the time to be spending stupidly.
Most of you know my push to stock your pantry. This makes sense to me. We all have to eat...but what if you lost your income? How long could you make it on just what you have in your home currently? Could you survive a day, month, 3 months, a year? What will you do when you have to choose whether you eat, pay a utility, vehicle payment, or rent/mortgage to keep a roof over your head, have large vehicle repair bill, major home repair bill, a medical emergency? I do not understand those that keep pushing back against being stocked up for food, water and essentials. Common sense says that this is one area we CAN control, and we need to be. Yet, there are some that think food just grows on the grocery shelves, that they could never lose their income, or having a stock pile is for "weird people." That was a new one for me yesterday. The question, "are you one of those weird people? those dooms day prepper people?" LMAO!!! Nope, I don't have a tank in my barn, or an underground bunker with an old ham radio, or a complete arsenal. I believe in being responsible, doing everything within my power to never need anything from anyone, and to make certain my family would have what they needed in the event of an emergency - whether that is weather or man-made. I believe that God has won this spiritual battle, but it is my job to honor him, by doing all I can to help myself and anyone else that will listen. I do not believe we are expected to just sit back and depend on government or anyone else, or just "have faith," the thing is...I have full faith in God, not in mankind. There is a reason I was pulled to this life, that I never really understood until the last few years. That's a story for another time though. I grew up mostly in a town/subdivision. So leaving everything I had ever known behind for something so foreign to me...I'm sure seemed seriously crazy to my family. After an overnight trip here previously, I knew in my heart I was meant to be here. For what reason, would take years to make sense. Now, I can say that being here has pushed me to learn so much more than I could have ever learned, had I not moved here.
I did not grow up learning how to prepare, preserve or even really protect. My Dad gardened for as long as I can remember but we never canned or froze anything...that I can recall. We didn't have a root cellar, or a basement with shelving for jars or potatoes. Many times there was barely enough food to get through a week. I was never around firearms or learned how to safely use them. I never learned self-defense until I was a young adult. I didn't learn how to cook or bake. Shoot, I remember eating a chopped beef sandwich with a single slice of the "meat," because that was all that was available to feed four kids. While I do have some good memories of my childhood in our neighborhood, and had some good friends there...I grew up with just enough. I was Gen X, that meant spending most of our time outside of school - OUTSIDE! We didn't have parents up our butts at every corner, even though at that time, all the parents actually watched out for everyone's kids. We truly did drink from garden hoses, usually the ends were covered with dirt and you'd get a mouthful if you forgot to wipe it off. We'd ride bikes, play, run around the entire neighborhood in groups. We had bullies, but they were handled with fights and if it got too bad, the parents stepped in - including the bullies parents to tan their backsides! I actually grew up without a cell phone, the internet, or even technology until I was basically in high school. At that time, there were repercussions for your actions - both good AND bad. Talking back to your parents, telling them "no," or to "shut up," meant a bar of soap or missing teeth. It wasn't abuse, it was discipline, so you didn't grow up to be an asshole. There was abuse, but I was not personally effected by that. We weren't allowed to be involved in everything under the sun. You picked one thing, and you stuck by it until it was over, period. You did not get everything you wanted. You got gifts for your birthday and Christmas - most of which was items you needed and a few that you wanted. You appreciated everything!! We never did the name-brand thing. You got what was affordable, or what was handed down. I know I always loved when my older cousin handed down her clothes. It was like a Christmas to me. Kids today, would not survive my childhood...my own included.
I learned preparation by some of the most amazing women! My husband's grandmothers and mother were my guides. That was all he ever knew. They all grew big gardens, which were all divided amongst each family involved. He has told stories of one grandfather growing all the potatoes to feed, I believe, 5 families. They grew corn, and would all get together when the corn was ready to shuck, silk and work up that corn. It was then divided among the families. The same went with beans. Everyone worked together, like a well oiled machine, to preserve and divide them out to the families. Not only did it take the entire group to do this, but everyone working together to make sure all their families were fed until the next harvest. I was lucky enough to get to see a lot of this first hand, for many years. I learned to garden watching my Dad, but I learned to grow big gardens and preserve them from my husband's family. One grandmother, days after we got married, told me if I was going to be his wife...I better learn how to manage the family, keep up what he was "used to" and leave the "city girl" behind. Initially, I was a bit irritated by this. However, I learned quickly that my own short comings were vast and I have never stepped down from proving I can do anything I really want to do. So, my big journey began. That was nearly 25 years ago. I have since learned how to manage my family(although, that is a constant struggle), I learned how to read the garden soil, what additives to make a garden more productive, how to preserve anything and everything possible(not just vegetables, but meat, fish and so much more). I now know how to defend myself AND my family. I have my own firearms, and am proficient with them and many others. I can shoot a bow. I can prepare my household for a year plus, in most necessities. I took every excuse, and every "can't" that was in vocabulary and DID! I got out of my own way! I have learned everything from livestock to poultry, farm equipment to lawn equipment, hay ground to pasture ground, and learned to live on a single income(which I can tell you is one of the biggest challenges).
While some may not realize it, but I walk the walk. I bust my ass for anything and everything I am involved in. My loyalty is firmly in place until I am given a reason to remove it. I give a lot of chances to others to do the right thing, but even I have a breaking point. Once my trust is broken, it won't ever be the same. I am flawed, and I will never seriously say otherwise. However, I become a better person each and every day. It took me time to get out of my own way, and to understand that there was so much I didn't know. I had to take a giant leap out of my comfort zone. The one thing one of my husband's grandmother told that applies to, not only gardening but life itself - "when you garden, you are taking a leap of faith. You patiently plant that garden, nurture it, pray that mother nature helps give it what it needs, and once all the hard work is put in - you reap the harvest. Then however, more work is in store to preserve that harvest to care for your family through the off season. A garden should be a labor of love." The life lessons through gardening, for me, have brought to me a place in life that I still get excited for and dread...every year. The patience, the work, the upkeep, the harvest, and preservation bring me a sense of pride, value, and a return to time when people understood what mattered most in life. I have felt like I returned to my own roots, and hope that my own grandparents and distant grandparents are smiling down on me. Even though my own children are in a struggle with modern life; the antique beliefs I have pushed for our family, brings many battles. One day, I pray they will appreciate, and strive to hold on to their roots and teach their own children.
This week has been a very difficult one for me. I have battled with sadness, anger, anxiety, and a whole host of other emotions. As much as I love my life and my little farm, sometimes it does get lonely when you don't have a tribe that you share a common goal. I learned many years ago to cope. Sometimes, I just have to express what I'm dealing with. Life is difficult for most people right now, no matter what your situation is. All the nonsense in the world has all of us bouncing our heads like we are watching a tennis match...from one issue to another to another. I try to stay upbeat, positive and turn everything I can't control over to God...but I am only human, and will never be perfect. One thing I can promise, I will always be me; smart mouthed, sarcastic, opinionated, hard headed, strong willed, well researched, and constantly striving to do and be better than I was yesterday!!!
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