Today's coffee chat is going to be as generic as I can muster. It's brought to you by frustration, anger, irritation, hurt, and an overall "sick of the shit" attitude.
So, it's not enough that our country has become one giant dumpster fire; facing wars on several fronts, an incompetent group of "elected and unelected" officials, out-of-control government spending, a sinking economy, increasing food insecurity, constant taxation, and a major break down in behavior. Add in fraudulent numbers being claimed as fact...that are just a few weeks from being "corrected," on everything from unemployment, to recession, to cost of living. Throw in a serious lack of common courtesies, respect and the use of any brain cells...and that dumpster fire just gets bigger and hotter.
Naturally, watching the national crap is irritating because anyone with 2 brains can see how difficult it is to make ends meet in this country. What irritates me more right now, is watching people's behaviors. It's truly become such mess. There is a serious lack of respect, lack of the simplest courtesies, and the immaturity has left me scratching my head.
I'm wired different, I get that. I've known that my entire life, and no matter how much I tried to blend into what was considered normal, I just have never made work for me. Honestly, I am convinced that is a good thing, even if trying at times. I've kept as many "old fashioned values" as humanly possible...even if they are getting stomped in the mud currently. I've watched as the more you try to do the "right" thing, the more used and abused you get. The more taken for granted you get. I have had the proverbial slap to the face when I have tried to keep my promises, do the right thing, and make my family my main focus. I have personally defended people, that have turned around to shit on me. I can't change other people. I can, however, change to way I will deal with people, from this point forward. I am no saint, will never claim to be, but I am a good person...one that ready to walk away from a lot of people. Saying, "I'm over it all, " is a serious understatement.
I've warned for a lot of years that this election year was going to be a bad one. What I neglected to mention was preparing for seeing true colors of people. People, in general, react to the world around them - even if it's not conscientiously. Hard times, struggles, and outside stimuli will bring out either the best or worst in other's. I guess my own failure in recognizing this possibility, and preparing for it, is on me. So, as I said to start, The mess we are in requires being prepared on every front; not just food, water, medicines but also for knowing where you stand and who is drilling holes in your boat while you are are trying to get the water out!
Back in September, I started reading a book called Dodging Energy Vampires. I am still trying to get it read. Normally, I can read a book of this size in about 2 days. I am on page 70 of about 400 pages. I don't have the time, let alone the attention capabilities, or even the energy to read. I am trying to keep up on a house of 5 people, that rarely do squat, beside complain. I have messages that come in about the things I can not do at the time, and how bad off they are...yet, not a single one is realizing what I do...which is to a degree my own fault, because I keep my life to myself rather than to bad mouth others. I fought nearly 6 months of illness, losing nearly 25 pounds and those living in my house barely noticed...let alone offered to help with anything. So, why would anyone outside my house know anything. That is my own thing. Yep, I am a stay-at-home mom, so I guess I am just supposed to be watching the noise box/internet all day, eating snack cakes. That is not even close to reality. When you are in a constant battle to get through school work, keep the kitchen clean and dishes done, get the house clean, keep laundry done, keep up with outdoor chores, keep finances in check, juggle constant paperwork, and by the end of the day - the only true peace is to crawl in bed because it's the one place I am not constantly struggling to manage. I am at my wits end with just about everything and everyone.
I finally got all the tax crap finished for now. Talk about an enormous amount of paperwork. Incomes, expenses, breaking everything down for a schedule f, profit/loss, farm use, business, making sure every document is kept throughout the year, and then stored for 7 more years. It's annoying to see how much goes out...especially seeing how horrible our roads are, we don't use the school system, and our fire/ambulance can't find us. It's irritating!
The farm is truly the best thing for me. I love the life I get to live. I have learned so much, and continue to learn every day. I love my gardens, the pride I feel when I can make them grow and then preserve all of the foods that come from them...it's a big accomplishment. Knowing I have had some amazing teachers in how to preserve that food and cook everything from scratch, is a massive accomplishment. The peace I get from working in the soil, is beyond explanation. Even the moments when weather conditions do not cooperate, I love my garden time. I love getting on my mower, and walking bare foot across the grass. Although that is something that probably won't get to happen this year since there are now 3 dogs in the yard...I will just have to take my walks by the garden or orchard. Being able to experiment with seed saving, growing trees from cuttings, growing vegetables from scraps, and even learning by trial and error; these are big wins for me.
I try to start each day fresh. Take account of my blessings as I drag my butt out of bed in the mornings. Look myself in the mirror each morning(which I hate doing) and reminding myself I am capable even when I feel like I am not. Not needing applause for anything, but knowing that once in a while, it's nice to get some encouragement instead of constant criticism. Accepting all my flaws, but praying that God work through me to do and be better everyday.
For today, I'm going to leave this here and once again pull up my boot straps, and do what I can. I know whatever I don't get to, will be there tomorrow...so, there is no sense is stressing on that. I just know I am mentally exhausted. I am blessed but stressed too. Some days, I wish I could live blissfully unaware and shirk responsibilities, but that's just not who I am. So, it's time to move on and get busy. It is what it is, a phrase I seriously hate, but fits. One day, it will all come out in the wash.
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