New chapter

 

What a freaking roller coaster this year has been to date! Late last night/early this morning, I found a strange sense of balance, I guess being the correct word. I have spent 25 years doing my best to take care of my husband, supporting him, and arguing with him. He and his family have helped me to grow beyond my wildest imagination. I have spent 23 years doing everything possible to be a good mom. Attempting to teach my kids values, morals and responsibility; in addition to trying to teach them. I will always stand up FOR them, even though I know their flaws. Through the years, I have dealt with effects from everything from an eating disorder to cancer, and too many losses to mention. I have seen relationships that I thought were rock solid turn out to be nothing more than lip service, and some that seemed fluid be the ones that have been impenetrable. Now, after a decade of dealing with the lovely effects of perimenopause, I'm nearing the end of that...and this is where I am turning a page, starting a new chapter, or starting an entirely new book...who knows.

For a lot of years, I concerned myself with ignoring rumors, or getting information first hand or through research. Something I do recommend. Hearing information direct from the horses mouth, may be challenging at first, but then there is no miscommunication. I have said for years, that communication break down is the problem, but I have changed my opinion. I believe that communication is essential but comprehension is a major problem. People do not like to listen, let alone admit to being wrong. Especially when you are the one defending. Anyway, it's been said that it's easier to fool people than for people to accept they have been fooled, and I believe this whole heartedly. It's been difficult for me to accept that there are areas that I have been wrong, fooled, mislead, or whatever...but wrong is wrong even if everyone else is doing it.

I have had a VERY trying year to date, after an entire year of my own issues. You see, I trust in who I am, what I believe, and the direction I am going. I trust that my prayers are heard, even if I don't always see an outcome I hope for. I pray, meditate and write to keep myself in check. Honestly, I don't care who, if anyone, reads what I write...it's more for myself than anyone else usually. It's how I hold myself accountable. My writing, whether it be in blogs/journals/notebooks...are how I manage to keep control of my temper, my attitude, and my disappointments. I set goals, every year on my birthday. I don't make promises I don't intend to keep. I trust what people tell me, until I am given a reason not to. Yes, this has caused upset and heartbreak, but it is what it is. I enjoy helping others, spending time with my kids, being on our farm and even teaching those that want to learn. That is just who I am. I keep insane amounts of notes and lists, that drive my family crazy. I have spent a lot of years putting my family first and foremost above anything and everything else. When they are happy, I am; when they are hurt, so am I. Having reached a point in my life where my children are growing into adults, I have to trust that they will be good people. That also puts me to a point of now what?! 

Something happened overnight, that I just can't explain. Maybe divine intervention since I went to bed with such a heavy heart, I don't know. I felt a shift. I spend a lot of time without actual human conversations. If my animals could talk... Anyway, I have short conversations in the mornings before the guys rush off to work, a few at supper, and a little before bed...aside from teaching my daughter, which is a massive struggle for another time. Otherwise, it's typically conversations through text messages, messenger or email. I don't go out, most of the time, I don't even like to get groceries anymore because the cost is stupid. 98% of the headaches I deal with are from 3 areas: stress, allergies and this stage of life. I know I can reign in 2 of the three. I just have to do it. Sadly, I have found myself at the point of being so overwhelmed for a couple years, that I just do not even know where to start. Spring, Summer and Fall are the times I can manage my stress and even allergies fairly well. Time in my gardens, walking bare foot through the yard and garden, windows open, and lots of sunshine. Winter has taken it's toll on me the last few years. Obviously, the month of January, has sent me into a downward spiral that I am trying to rectify. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of putting the plan into play. This shift I feel is actually making me a little anxious because I do not do things for myself. Everything I have done for years, has been for others. That won't completely change, because that is who I am...but doing things for myself has become necessary. I wish I could explain this better, because I don't feel I'm putting the correct wording here. 

I feel clearer, less foggy...if that makes any sense. I'm seeing things for what they are. I know, in my heart, that I have let a lot run amok because it was easier than going to battle. I also know that, that is why my own health has been getting worse. I don't talk about my health because of a lot of reasons, but for most of 2 years now, it has not been good. While I have sat and worried about others, and pushed them to take care of themselves, I have not followed my own advice. It's time. When I talked earlier in the year about getting back to basics, this is all part of it. I am no where near perfect, and accept my flaws, but there comes a time to step back. I will focus on my responsibilities but also taking time for myself. How many times have I told others, "you can't pour from an empty cups?" I would hate know...but that is exactly what I am trying to do. My entire adult life, mostly, has been focused on my husband and my kids. When I am overwhelmed, I withdraw from everyone and everything, doing only bare minimum. That should have been my clue, but I missed it until now. 

I know I can be a very difficult person. I can blame a lot of things that made me that way, but I won't. The way I am today, is my own responsibility. Yes, there is a lot that has shaped me, but I am not one to use that as an excuse to not learn to be better. No matter how much we try to make things better/easier for the next generation, it's nullified by outside sources and influence. So, we have to do what we can, and pray for the rest. This is also in the part of letting go and realizing you can only do so much. Whether it's family or friends, you can only do so much until their own responsibility has to kick in. Since stress is a big health hazard, I am doing a lot of letting go. Stress has never been good to me, and the older I get, the more I realize the damages it does. 

I am taking a leap of faith. I will fix what I can, learn what I can, but beyond my own changes...is not my problem. In my house, I have always held my family to standards, expectations and responsibility. My own responsibility has gone down to just one child and my husband now. I will always be here for my boys, be their cheering section, have their back, but they are adults. They are capable young men, and I know even with some bone-head choices...they will learn from their mistakes and grow. So, as I work through whatever this shift, and whatever the dreams meant....it's time for me to keep growing too. New chapter, begins now. Responsibility, maturity, and growth required.

Here's to new pages, and not letting anyone else write my story.