Coffee Chat

 

We are a little more than half way through February. This year is a leap year. Boy, has this year been a challenge already...after major challenges ended 2023. Some days, I sit back and question what the hell happened, when did it happen, and where was I?! Other times, I ask..."so, this is what we are doing now?" People I have respected have made me question that respect, question my loyalty, and a lot of other things too. I have spent a lot of time the past few years praying for direction, guidance, and help getting through some tough areas. There's enough people claiming to "talk to God," I am not one of them. However, I pray, and many times, my dreams or instincts guide me. So, today's coffee chat, is going to be a collaboration of updates and these instincts. 

We'll start with the farm. This area of life, although busy, is so fulfilling. We began our lambing season in January. We had 2 groups this year, each group with about 34 sheep, to have lambs. The lambs are our farm income annually. This livestock helps pay for our equipment, our expenses all around on the farm. When the lamb market is bad or we do not have a good turn around on the lambs being born...that knocks out a chunk of our annual income. So, it is imperative we do everything within our power to care for these sheep. That means a lot of sleepless nights for my husband, lots of time during the day for me to be checking them, and even now - having 4 bottle raised sheep in my house.  This is in no way ideal...I have allergies, so this tends to get tough the older they get. However, we bust our butts to save every possible lamb we can. We have experienced, for nearly 4 years now, exorbitant expenses in fertilizer for the hay and pasture ground. Again, when the lamb sales and number of lambs to sell, do not do well, that is more money from our regular budget. When fences need repairs, the neighbors chemicals kill off our hay/pasture grass, the run off from the fields wash out our land...these are our expenses and require immediate attention. None of this even accounts for repairs or updates to my house, vehicle expenses, or the regular bills. None of this touches the expenses that most don't realize; gravel for drives, barn repairs, equipment repairs - like baler belts that now cost $3000 or more to replace, the increased cost of diesel, insurance, and state/local taxes. There is a lot of underlying work that goes into an operating farm, no matter if it's crops or livestock. When you are a small farm, it gets pretty trying at times. This year, we have have to address the field run off into our barn. We have battled this for several years, but the increase in our livestock has meant having to utilize a lot more of our barn. So, it's become deciding the lessor of two evils...expand our existing barn and try to find a means of diverting the excess water or try to build a new one that will expand the birthing area, and create an automatic water diversion by raising the sidewalls with concrete wall. No matter what route we take, we will have a massive expense to replace gravel that has been washed away or sunk into the dirt.

 

We have learned this week that there are a lot of areas that have still not recovered from the illness supply issues. My stove, we bought used in 2018, has decided it's going to really give us fits. The oven quick working correctly last summer, and now it's the cooking surface. So, we started calling around to find one. Boy, was that an eye opener and an aggravation.  Not even the big box stores had what I needed in stock. It's a 2 week wait, no matter which direction I turn. Then, we find out that the manufacturers are trying to eliminate the coil type electric stoves all together. Why? The government is trying to push us away from gas stoves, now they are trying to get rid of coil type electric stoves...you can't can on a majority of glass top stoves. Well, I guess you can, but be ready to buy a new one every time that glass shatters as the pressure cookers get hot. I do not have gas in my house, and do not plan to. My husband finally found a place we could order one...but there was still no guarantee they could get it, about an hour away. We called about 15 places...including big box stores. THEN, we found out there is now some safety crap in the burners that does not work well for those who try to can on them. So, not only do you have to buy the stove, you also have to purchase different burners. Ugh! This is our government and its intrusion into everything!  Yet another reason I preach being prepared, putting money aside for emergencies, and questioning everything! We know there are some big repairs to be made to the house itself. The good and bad of owning an older home is the updating. We have done a lot of updates the past 10 years to our home but there are still plenty to do. This is also a battle of 2 evils. Do you make the repairs needed until it's paid in full or do you build new and eat your losses. Well, to this point...we keep making the repairs. I am not a fan of debt, so I am constantly working to get them paid off...not take on more. Since 2020, making those repairs have been exceptionally costly. So, we have had to juggle repairs and pray for the best. Our water lines have got to be replaced this year. Our water is so hard, we go through faucets and shower heads every few months. So, you can imagine what this does to our appliances. That is a top priority for this year. Last year, we ended up having to replace a refrigerator and a freezer, and that was a large cost. So far, this year is already the stove and the plumbing...and we are only in February?! 

I spend a lot of time determining needs vs. wants. I have wanted to put in a concrete patio on the front of our house, to allow more space for our get togethers and have a roof over it, so we don't have to depend on our big canopy. That is a want. The cost of that is much more than my budget will allow, with the "needs" we need to focus on. My constant thoughts are need vs want, access vs. availability vs. affordability. I'd love to find a way for my husband to have the barn/shed he truly could use, but the equations just don't work. I'd love to have a house that is laid out the way it would work better for me, but again...the equations just don't work. I know when it comes to a house, we won't have another manufactured/modular. The cost of them has sky rocketed. They are nice, but out of line. We've looked into the shed houses, and those make the most sense for us...but again, the equations just are there yet. Absolutely everything I do, is done with these equations in mind. My limited amount of travel, consolidating trips, monthly grocery runs instead of weekly, limiting expenses...all of it. It's called fiscal responsibility. We spent a long time handling finances poorly, and I refuse to go back to that. My husband works hard at an off-the-farm job, then comes home to work hard on our farm. I work hard here on the farm day in and day out. I do everything possible to manage things so that he doesn't have issues getting what he needs. I am still educating one child at home, high school at that. When the laws for that change annually...there is a juggling with that too. I would rather deal with that though than deal with the crap currently in the public education system. It's not what it was 25-30 years ago. I'm failing, to keep up with extended family and friends. It's a fact. I can only do so much, I am only one person. I do what I can, but beyond that, it's either respected or not that I have taken control of my life and my family instead of living off the government and generational traumas. I have worked very hard to return to my ancestral roots. 

I have time everyday that I set aside for prayer and meditation. Some days I allow for more than others. Especially the trying days. Each time, at least the past few years, has been met with either a strong gut instinct or a recurring dream/vivid dream. I listen to these, both. I keep a journal beside my bed and I write several times a day, to keep track of things that weigh on me. I've had several years now that my "feelings/thoughts" have been brushed off as this life transition, projection of my fears, or about 100 other "excuses." I began withdrawing and not talking to much of anyone, because I didn't even trust my own thoughts. That has reached a boiling point. No one has the right to tell us what we can or can not feel, but it is OUR responsibility to manage them. No one else is required to respect us, no matter how good or bad we may be, but it up to us to not lower our own standards to behave in the same manner. Guilt trips and manipulation are abuse, especially if you are using them as a means for pitty. Gaslighting, is something I have learned recently...and it falls into the same abuse as guilt and manipulation. Sadly, the verbal side of all of this can cause the same or worse damage to a person as physical abuse does, because those wounds are not visible. The problem I see, is that all of this has become a regular part of society today. It's no wonder society has become what it has. Everyone has rights but no one wants to take responsibilities. It's so sad to me, to  see good people ground into the dirt because of all of this. I have had to deal with some of this most of my life, but I have reached a point now, that I just can't. When my own health is being effected, I have to limit the amount of exposure or I will end up with a heart attack, and that is not on my agenda. 

My time this morning, ended in a strange realization that I was told about nearly 25 years ago. It was told to me then, but I didn't see it. I do now. I don't intend to do to anything with this information, but it was a shock. Sometimes, it is hard to see the forest through the trees. Just as so much as been shared with me through the years, you have to take it and file it away. Some may come in to use, but most of it is just a "heads up." I know for 26 years, I have been in a family that has taught me a lot, some good, some not. The majority has been what has shaped the person I have become. My husband's mother, grandmothers and especially one great grandmother; taught me to cook, garden and preserve foods the way they had always done it. Their lessons, even when I fought learning, have been beyond value! Because of those lessons, I have been able to continue on with what they taught me, while also growing my own skills. Yes, I pat myself on the back for what I have learned. Being part of a family, with so many generations(early on in my marriage) taking part; was such a remarkable experience. This life has taught me so many valuable lessons. 

As I jump into my day, I am doing more reflecting, once again. There is so much we, as society could be doing better. I get that respect is earned. You have to have a character worth respecting. We have to get back to having self accountability. None of us is ever right all of the time. We need to get back to having conversations(not messages that can be taken wrong), comprehending the conversations we do have, having morals and values, and understanding that every person is dealing with something in their lives. Pipe dreams, I know.