What do you say, we just have a quick chat today. I have a lot of stuff that needs done, but my head is reeling and I need to get some thoughts moved on, so I can focus.
So, yesterday I shared a short video about loving yourself. I have struggled with this most of my life. Never feeling good enough. The one thing my 40's brought me, was a change in those thoughts. I know that each of us is made to perfection, by a great creator, that doesn't make mistakes. As my youngest child reminds me regularly, we are never going to be perfect...only God is. So, why do we strive to appear that way? To keep up with others? Have we become so superficial? When did it become so acceptable to judge everyone else, when no one is ever going to be perfect? Why do we let others make us feel less than? So, as I'm looking at "50" in just over a hundred days, it has occurred to me - in the last few months, why do I care what anyone else thinks? I really don't. That is the reality of it. I am not perfect, I stress out, I let my heart lead me into too many chances for people, I am not a surface person - I want substance. I root for the underdog every time, help others until I can't help anymore, I defend people even when they treat/talk poorly of me, and I believe karma will bite people who deserve it. My house is usually a mess and it annoys me, but not enough to kill myself trying to live in a museum. I built a beautiful 8' long table, that is usually half full and stacked with paperwork...so you can't see it. Our dining room table is used - for eating, for schooling, for planning, for organizing, for farm notes/paperwork; it's basically my office. The stories this table could tell, if it could talk. Anyway, the last few months, have been slowly brought acceptance. Accepting my flaws physically, mentally, and everything in between. I have become more and more accepting of who I am. The good, the bad, and the not-so-pretty sides. It's become really liberating.
Most people who know me, know my favorite holiday is Christmas. With so much family drama the last couple of years, I really haven't enjoyed it. Which is sad, I know. I typically went all out for Christmas. It takes about 6 weeks to get all my decorations out, and up. I put lights outside in October, so I don't have to do it in snow or freezing temps, and start decorating on Halloween(which I truly dislike!). The last few years, I have not even put all the decor out. A couple months ago, I had decided to not to have our annual open house anymore. I had lost so many goodwill feelings. Well, I still have a child at home, and that child is pretty amazing. Obviously, both of my kids are the greatest...but this youngest one - boy is she a force. When she came to the table for lessons one day a few weeks ago, sharing cookie and candy recipes for the open house, and the fireball response when I said I didn't think we would have one this year...WOW! Initially, she was mad. Then, this 15 year old child, went into a 30 year old counselor. "Ok Mom, what's the deal? You love Christmas, you love the open house, you made our house look like Christmas threw up on it every year I can remember, and you have been slowing down - this isn't you. What the hell is wrong with you?" Yep, this is my spitfire AND her personality. "Kid" answers have never worked for her. So, I gave her some glossed over explanations and that did not fly. She called B.S. in no uncertain terms. Very long story(like 3 hours worth) short, there will be an open house and every decoration is going up - somewhere.
It's been really amazing with my kids. I had my oldest, as an only child, for 8 years before my youngest was born. So, it feels like I am raising 2 only children. It's incredible how different the kids personalities are, yet how alike they are. My oldest was much like my youngest when he was younger. Now, he has become a responsible, hardworking young man. Getting to be a full-time mom, allowed me the luxury of knowing my children, their quirks, their learning styles, their communication styles, and the tell-tails when they weren't being honest. It's been difficult, in the sense, that for most of 24 years...I have only had the identity of Mom, or Richard's wife. Whatever. I have never needed much recognition, but it's easy to get lost in the daily grinds. Each of my kids have so many attributes that they are slowly going to learn and recognize; ones that I have seen in them from the beginning. They will also have to learn to accept their flaws. The one area that I have tried to instill, is loving who they are without comparing themselves to anyone else. That's tough in a world of false images, materialism and pressure from peers. Having to accept that I am raising good, strong young people, and allowing them to spread their wings...is one of the hardest successes as a Mom. I want them to take the path beside but I also want them to go further than I have been able to. I am so proud of my kids and mostly who they are...sometimes their personalities are enough like their Momma, that we hit heads.
So, I think my thoughts are slowing a bit. It's time to get more tomatoes canned up, get some laundry done, get some housework done, and get through today's math lessons. Lots to get ready for in the coming week! Have a blessed day!!
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