I'm in a strange place right now. It seems there is always something going on, whether it be good or bad, and I'm really working to keep the negative at bay. I've spent so much time having to live by schedules, seasons, preparations, juggle those unknown obstacles, and try to keep my "feral" tendencies at bay too. I've shared just enough of my everyday life to explain a few circumstances, but nearly all my life is kept away from the world wide web. I began writing to share my own experiences of learning to live and survive on a farm, learning to manage food growth and preservation, our home schooling adventures, and even my growth in cooking & baking. Then, it expanded into issues that effected our farm, our lives, and share our perspectives. Once again, it expanded to give other hope to other women, who were tackling the challenges of perimenopause/menopause. I've shared my passion for helping veterans, and our annual disabled veteran hunt.
Each year, usually around my birthday, I work on goals for the coming year. Maybe my intuitive senses are beginning earlier this year...who knows. What I do know, is that I am really feeling insightful but also a bit detached. I enjoyed Thanksgiving. I'm looked forward to our open house, Christmas gatherings, my birthday and New Year's eve; I am also feeling a bit detached there too. It's strange to have a vision of how you want things to be/go but you know it won't go/be that way. These gatherings mean the world to me! They are so much work, and a ton of clean up, but it means so much to me to keep many traditions alive, and pass them down to the next generations. It's difficult when you don't see the younger people showing the interest though. I am going to put this out, because I give credit where it's due. My daughter and I met a wonderful man at the annual gun show we go to; one of our fundraising events for the veteran hunt. He is a "Santa Helper" that has been at a local farm that hosts events throughout the year. Because of that man, he gave my daughter her Christmas spirit back in October. So much so, that she told me then, she wanted to go see him(as Santa) at the farm, 2 months later. So, it got put on the calendar in pen. It just so happened, to fall the day after our annual Christmas Open House. We were all tired, but we went. The smile on her face, his personality and seeing my little girl(a teenager, but still my baby)still believe in the magic of Christmas...WAS PRICELESS!! It truly brought tears to my eyes. So, for that, Thank You David Boom!! You gave me another year of magic too!
Before I move into other areas, I have a tough confession to put in words. I've voiced how hard 2024 has been for me a few times. It has really come to light since October. If not for my daughter's excitement over Christmas this year, I probably would not have done anything. I had planned to only put up the main tree, not have the open house, and to not have any gatherings. I am just really not feeling Christmas this year. I am trying for her, but it's just not in my heart this year. I want time with my husband and kids, but I want to be selfish and keep all the magic I can muster, strictly for them. I have struggled throughout the year with watching others be hurt, learning to readjust as a mom with an adult child, juggling fluid schedules that do not work for me...but I have no choice to go with, learning how you can become unimportant when you are no longer needed, and trying to manage a whole lot of emotions that I don't want to deal with but am not given a choice. I am notoriously trying to run interference in situations to try to give an opposing point of view, for perspective. I try to be the one that says, yes...the decision was bad, but try to see it from the other persons eyes. It's been exhausting this year! To be honest, it has caused me to shut down a lot, withdraw from everything outside my home and immediate family and get through one day at a time. I am thoroughly overwhelmed this year and I am just ready to start seeing some sort of positive movement forward.
Our Christmas Open House this year was really small from the last few years. We had an ice storm the night before, and had rain the entire day of, this year. Everything was pretty slick and nasty. We still managed to have about 25 people that braved the weather, and we got to visit with several neighbors, and some family. We have a lot of goodies left over, which has meant those in our house have been gracing on them all weekend! I believe I will be freezing whatever I can, and we do have some neighbors we will be taking some to, also. It was smaller, but it was a little easier to visit...even though I still didn't get to visit a lot with anyone. I had planned to cancel it this year, and my daughter wanted no part of that...I am happy I didn't.
Now, we are less than 2 weeks from Christmas and while I am excited for my kids, I am really just struggling and I don't know how to change that. I have a lot to work on, some changes I need to make in several areas, and I just want to get out from under this black cloud that seems to be hovering right now. I'll figure it out eventually, but for now, it's a bit overwhelming. I don't want to bring anyone to this level, so I keep to myself...but man, do I miss having a friend to vent to, over a cup of coffee right now! Maybe talking this crap through would get it to make sense!
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