Coffee and Conversation

 

Well, as I finish my coffee and work on the mountain of laundry, I thought I'd write. I have kind of been feeling like those hamsters on a wheel look....constantly chasing something, but never getting anywhere! For every project I finish, there are 47 more added or my hubby adds some of his, and now that there are pretty much just the two of us managing everything...his projects are now mine too. There are so many bumps in my road anymore, I'm never sure what needs to be addressed first. Each bump, feeds into the million other little bumps. 

One thing that has really played a big role in this hamster wheel, has been the changing of parental role. I spent so many years as "just a Mom." It has been the biggest, most rewarding but also the most heartbreaking career. We raise our kids to be independent, to build lives and relationships; but we don't expect they will exclude you. It's a challenging adjustment to no longer need a big dining room table, since there are just 3 of us now. We rarely have anymore than that. Now, I am looking to down size that. No point in a huge table anymore. You do everything possible for your kids, and in my case(as many others too), that included learning alternative health practices after severe allergies nearly killed my youngest. You welcome people into your life and your home, they become chosen family, only to disappear too. I've had to learn to accept that, as hard as it is, sometimes they need to see how the world truly is, but pray that someday they will actually appreciate all I tried to do for them. I'm not perfect, but my love for my kids will never waiver, it is unconditional. Even when my heart breaks! 

It's such a strange place to be. Being a Mom, was always so important to me, and that will never change. Once you get to the place I am in now, you end up feeling lost. It's like, "ok, I did the best I could raising my children, but I let my relationship with my hubby slip while being a Mom first and I completely lost or the knowledge I had is obsolete, and I have no idea who I am as a person anymore." I still have a young adult to finish raising, but I'm trying to find my way and keep up with my parents, and I still worry about my adult kids, and we still have our farm, my gardening has become my thinking time. I race from one project to another, still battle to keep my house clean even with fewer people, and getting back into the social thing...that is almost overwhelming since I have nothing in common with most. Economically, I am don't know how to not shoe string budget. Even though we don't need to be as conservative...I don't want to be stupid financially...it has taken us so many years to get where we are. I've thought about trying to find something part time to get back into the world...but I can't bring myself to work in retail or food again, there is too much drama and physically, I am not yet back to being fully healthy. Not to mention, still working around home school, my veteran activities, and our farm. Throwing one more thing in, feels like more stress! Of which, I need to lose some! I have begun updating training on PTSD and TBI management. This is an area that helps with the veterans I care so deeply about. 

It's so funny to come across memories, as I am deep cleaning and sorting. A list from high school of career options really had me thinking. The list was one I had done in a class, with a teacher I loved. It was based off of the education I was getting at the time, and possible directions I could take. The list included: Architect, Marine Biology, Constitutional law, and Ecology. Quite a list, huh?! It's hard to believe I thought I was smart enough to do those things. I truly loved every class regarding those subjects. I still love them today. I had about every class possible, that was offered, on each of them too. One area, that I have preached to my kids about - and they are not hearing me, is how much outside influence truly affects who you become. I can not say I have regrets, because I believe everything happens for a reason, BUT influences changed my trajectory in life and some damaged what I could have done. When we are young, we think we know everything about everything. I believe it's a right of passage into adulthood. As the saying goes, "hindsight is 20/20." If you let others limit you, let others words/behaviors become your words/behaviors, or allow yourself to be drug into situations not meant for you; you become so much less than you are capable. Then you spend a lifetime searching for something, but nothing truly fits. You lose the value of your loved ones while maintaining the cost of that influence. I had BIG goals when I graduated high school. The last goal written down from back then: be a street dancer at Disney while attending college for Architecture - let the income pay for college. Specialize in residential architecture with what would now be considered living roofs, energy efficiency. I still physically draw residential floor plans all the time. I still love the living roofs, earth berm homes, using nature for energy efficiency and minimizing wasted square footage. Now at 50 years old, I don't believe I would have mental capacity to go back, so I just draw and add to my floor plan folder all the time. I don't have the energy or hundreds of thousands of dollars to even want to go back. 

Going through those memories were intriguing, funny, sad and empowering. I have experienced a lot in my life. I have dealt with the worst of them, basically alone. It taught me some hard lessons, gave me some unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I have learned a lot of strength too. Being a strong person though, can bring a whole new level of issue too. When you are strong, no one worries about you and usually no one takes the time to try to get past the walls that were built. You become almost too independent, so asking or receiving helping brings guilt to deal with. You don't want to burden others, so you live in fight or flight mode continuously. Then you become exhausted, and it's not something that rest or even a "few days off" can fix. You end up in that hamster wheel constantly chasing the feeling of adequacy, feeling like you are doing something that is making a good difference, or living with feeling like you are never enough. Some of those memories brought me a smile, a laugh, or took me back to the moment a photo was taken. Several letters from my paternal grandmother, some were sharing valuable advice and one that made me sad. Several photos of a time when I felt my best, some while I traveled, so many photos of my grandparents and great grandparents, so many of my kids and husband when the kids were little, and even a few that were clipped out of a magazine/newspaper to add to my vision board. It's funny that my dream home from the late 90's was situated on a farm with a beautiful home, horses and livestock. 

There is so much I could add in this reflective post, but I think the biggest take away....don't regret, because you make choices, in the moment that you want to make, with the knowledge you have. You can change your outcome, but it takes choice and work. Take those pictures, make sure you are in a lot too, because one day...that's the memories your loved ones will have. None of us are perfect or flawless, so be kind, don't judge people by what you see...you don't know the whole story. Find a career that you love and can make income from. If you are lucky, you will spend decades enjoying that career. Don't waste valuable time with your parents and grandparents, they only get to be part of our lives for short period, and you will miss them terribly when they are gone!!! Work hard, but never get so wrapped up in making money that you forget actually live too. There are no material possessions that are worth having to work your life away for. Avoid spending so much that you can't afford time off to enjoy what you have. Be very careful of those you allow in your lives. The influence others have on your life, may seem small, until it isn't, and you've lost true friends/loved ones, while going with the masses. Always do your best to try to see both sides to a story, from experience, there are usually 3 or more sides to EVERY story. Don't allow the world, situations, people or circumstance to dictate how you live. Every single one of us has our own paths to follow. There will be some that walk with you for a lot of years, some just a few, and others just days. Every person we encounter is either meant to be a blessing or a lesson. 

Welcome July. I pray this month brings everyone good health, safety, and blessings of abundance. 

God Bless!

 

 

More than a feeling

 

 I'VE GOT A FEELING...

 

 

As someone who literally feels energy, all the time, it gets really dark sometimes. I know when I have tried to explain this to some, they look at you like you have a third eye growing out of your forehead. I've come to understand this energy, as I have gotten older, and is something I have experienced since I was child. Even then, people would claim you were weird or making stuff up. What I feel, is very real and very exhausting. The best way I can describe it: imagine you are a sponge, and you are constantly in water. You remain in a continuous state of over absorption. You know when you pick up a sopping wet sponge how it's heavy, and much weaker than a dry one? Yeah, that is what it's like when you feel the energy of others. It doesn't matter who it is, family, friends, or complete strangers. So, going anywhere requires preparation to deal with that. When you don't, you end up at home feeling like that wet sponge and completely exhausted. You literally feel peoples emotions and even their "vibe/aura." With a little education, you are able to see through facades, and past their outward expressions. You know who's full of crap, when you are being lied to, when someone is genuinely happy or real. It's been one of the hardest experiences I've had to learn to manage. 

I find peace and can maintain stability in my own space, so I do have gatherings here. My home and our farm is my grounding point. It has taken me a lot of years to understand and be able to manage this crazy experience. It can truly be a blessing and a curse. I have kind of laughed at the phrase, "I hear what your saying but I feel what you're not saying." I pay attention to details, big AND small. I make an effort until I no longer see the same return efforts. When you make my life more difficult, repeatedly, I am done. I juggle a lot everyday, and when you cause me more stress than the joy you add to my life, I am done. I have spent decades now managing my temper. For a few years, it got out-of-control. While I go a long way to avoid conflict and losing my temper, it's not gone...it's just under control - TO A POINT. It has taken a long time to acknowledge the difference between anger and hurt. Many times I've gotten angry, and when I step back...I can recognize that it isn't anger at all, but instead is actually hurt. You see, I have spent years working to better myself. Honestly, I work at this everyday. I am no where near perfect, so there is always work to do. I have had to accept things and even people, for who and what they are. The one big lesson I've gotten to this point...people are quick to point out your flaws, because they are avoiding their own. That was a hard one to learn. We all have had people in our lives that we wanted to be around, then they show out and prove their value in your life is a lot different than you thought it would be. 

Sometimes, I think life would be so much easier if I could live with my head in the sand, didn't experience the emotions, and could just keep so busy that I could look past my own stuff to have the energy to criticize others. Then I am reminded that I would then be like everyone else. I am not meant to be like everyone else, none of us are. We are meant to be individuals, critical think, pay attention to details and if believe in the religious teachings...we are meant to help others, not tear them down. I will never claim to know crap about religion, because I believe we are not being taught right. However, as I have dove off into spirituality, I have had doors open into the teachings of ancient times. Long before ALL organized religions. This subject always ruffles feathers, my own included, because every religion believes it's the correct teaching. Honestly, to each their own. I will never try to convince anyone otherwise, but I know what I know, and no one will convince me either. The biggest thing that upsets me though, is the hypocrisy. For those that have studied the Bible, it says that the Disciples were chosen but none of them were of proper societal norms. There was alcohol, incest, etc. Yet we see religion today turning its back on certain people in society. Don't get me wrong, I have an issue with some myself, but I live by "you be good to me and I will be good to you." The Bible preaches to honor thy mother & father, love thy neighbor and help those in need. Yet, divorce is now more common than a single family unit, certain groups of people are ostracized for their beliefs, neighbors are rarely helping to keep their communities strong, and people are quick to gossip but not willing to step up to help when it's needed. We have accepted the evil that programs our minds through the television; without even thinking twice. This is where politics and religion merge. 

Since the late 1800's, some of the riches and most influential people in the world have thrown a monkey wrench in everything.They decided to regulate the value of our money. They decided that controlling the money and the money supply, charging productive citizens for their efforts, centralizing that money/taxes into a non-governmental entity(central bank) that had no oversight or elected officials, and the bribery(lobbying)of politicians would be acceptable. What so many fail to understand, none of this was ever legally ratified by Congress, and those taxes that they claim are voluntary - are paid to that central bank that has used birth certificates, marriage licenses to create bonds that they bought and sold to make more money - OFF YOUR BACKS. That is the very elementary definition of slavery. They bought the education system, the healthcare system, and they buy the politicians to keep this slavery in place. The saddest part, to me, is we have all allowed this to happen by not educating ourselves, and demanding accountability.  We have allowed so many false idols(a religious teaching) to maintain their course. Just as God said, false idols will lead you astray. Even the teachings of Jesus, stated not to idolize him, but only his father. So, to be true to that teaching, idolizing Jesus is wrong. 

 

I won't dive off into major history lessons, because I've been told too many times, that no one wants to hear it. What I will dive into, briefly, is family. This is a major subject for me. Both my husband and I grew up in divorce households. I truly hate divorce. It divides the family unit, it opens it up to so many complications. I know just having to manage time between parents, struggling with loyalties, and adding additional beliefs to the mix; made for a very long and disruptive children. One I swore I would do everything possible to avoid, if/when I ever had children. So far, I've managed to keep a single household. It has not been without major trials, major arguments and a lot of eye rolls.  I have raised my children with the belief that family is everything, but there have been some serious disruptions that I blame on outside influences. One of the biggest lessons I have learned with kids - we can raise them correctly, with the values we have, but sometimes they will lose their way. It's at that point, we spend a lot of time praying that they will be guided back. They are inundated with so many opinions as adults, and the world today does not want strong family units. They want families divided, they want people so busy and so enthralled with the world that they have no time to look closer to home. They was society driven by greed, excess and instant gratifications. Sadly, it's all hidden in plain sight. Even more sad, people are so engrossed in the bread and circus, they can't even see it. We rush around going here and there, wanting the newest technology, living in debt, and thinking of ourselves first. We miss time with our families chasing the almighty dollar to buy more stuff we don't need. Too many use excuses to put their loved ones into homes, instead of taking care of them as they took care of you. Then there are tears at loss of those loved ones, by those having to live with the regrets. 

I will never be perfect, but I will stand by my values until my dying day. Family is everything, I will do my best to honor my father and mother, if I have any choice - my parents will never be in a nursing home, my kids will always take precedence over everything possible, and those I love - I will do my best to show I love you! There are times my personal development goes pretty deep and can be overwhelming, but I trust that God is leading me. I may refer to God or the Universe...I believe there is a higher power, no matter what word you use to describe it. I don't need a religion to know God, to know doing the best I can and help as much as possible, is the right path. I just keep praying for guidance, to be lifted when I struggle to stand, and to watch over/keep an arm around my family and I. 

Today's prayer: God, I know the balance on Earth is quite wobbly and there are questionable morals being broadcast. Today I ask that you help the world to see your honest teachings. I ask that you help to heal the family units, and bring them back to center. I ask that you wrap your arms around my family to help guide, protect and keep us healthy. Watch over our loved ones both living and passed, and help them to feel loved and guided. I pray you stay with them in whatever struggles they may be facing. I ask you to guide and protect those in our elected offices and our military, and be the strength of our veterans in their daily struggles. I pray you bring our communities back to center and help them to see they are stronger together. Today, I pray for your love to blanket Earth through eternity. Amen!

Coffee and Conversation

 

Holy cow, it's June already! Where did the first half of the year go?! Once again(more like still), I have a lot on my mind. It's so strange to actually feel changes within yourself, like there is a physical/tangible change. For many people, sitting within themselves would be very uncomfortable, if it actually happened to begin with. For me, this has been a 10 year process, and I promise it's not always been a comfortable one. I've reflected on my life, from my early years to present day, and sometimes my own B.S. irritates me too. I've had the joyful experience of different phases of life in this decade of reflection. I have had a lot to work through, because sometimes we ARE the problem....and we have to be able to accept that, and make changes when possible. While I have held myself accountable for my own behaviors, I've had to come to grips with some situations, that will either never be resolved, or things that happened that can not be changed. It's difficult to allow forgiveness without "closure," but it's necessary for growth. It's difficult to face some truths but it's even harder to live with a monkey on your back. 

It's been so crazy to me, having so many years of reflection, yet watching those around me be either oblivious or unconcerned by the state I have been in. The physical appearance is drastic, but my withdrawl has been huge. I had to have this experience, I suppose, as my own growth and maturity needed it. I would cheekily say, it's because I'm 50 now and I don't care what anyone thinks, but that is such a blanketed nasty and elementary general excuse. The truth is, I have been through hell and back, I have worked on myself even when everything around me felt like it was falling apart, I have cried in the shower or after everyone went to bed so I could release things I no longer talk about. I have felt the weight of aging parents, the betrayal of family, having my children grow and push me away, I have been fearful of trying to refind a "new normal" in marriage with grown children, having a new phase of my own body making me question every second of the day with my own thoughts, and wondering if I am good enough, smart enough, or even capable enough to do so many things - it was a vicious circle. Coming out the other side now, I am seeing a world of ignorance, stupidity and immaturity. I'm seeing that, as a parent, we can raise our children right but they are responsible for their own behaviors and actions, and the way they treat others. The influences they have in their lives will be their driving force. When your children become adults, you love them with all your heart unconditionally, but you pray harder for them every day! They are living in a world that has no depth and very little accountability. 

The past week, I've been seeing some clarity that I haven't seen for a long time. It's pretty wild. The hard part is now, coming back out of the dark. I've always heard, you can't succeed from your comfort zone, your success is waiting outside those boundaries. That comfort zone is a safe place to be, and it's comfortable when you can control your surroundings. When you challenge that comfort, it's terrifying. A decade is a long time to live within those self-limiting walls. Not to mention, life is a lot more costly now! When you have spent so much time trying to see both sides of every story and every issue...it's a challenge to cut that string. Having empathy is part of who I am, but I have let it rule my entire being for a lot of my adult life. I've had to accept that always trying to find the good in people(there is good in everyone, even if they don't show it), not everyone will be good. I have spent decades being referee, mediator, and tried to repair damaged ties; but I'm not doing that anymore. All that did was drain my spirit and hurt me. It's just not a game I am willing to play anymore. When you show me who you are by your actions, your words no longer matter. Proof is in the pudding. Step up, show up or get out of the doorway. 

Surprisingly enough, I had a photo come up in my Facebook memories. It was the last time, I can remember feeling such clarity and whole. Weird enough, it was during a trying part of our family's life, when it felt like life would never get "normal" again. It turns out, that was 2 years into my current phase of life and I felt alive, useful, growing and doing work that mattered. It's strange how life's path leads you in the directions you're meant to go. The people you are meant to cross paths with. Some days, I wish I could go back, not to change anything, but relive the moments. 

I'm still working hard on myself. I have a lot to fix, but there is so much that I love about who I am. I have survived a lot to be who I am, even with my flaws; I am a good person to those that are good to me.

Silent Battles

 

So, it's been a juggling act lately. So much so, that I am feeling like I am sinking. For each step I attempt to move forward, 14 things show up and just drag me under. I know, many times, my own expectations and values are what cause me grief. On the other hand, I keep wondering how many times I can be everyone's "go-to," and yet always be the one that gets crapped on. I wonder how and why I should keep trying, when others don't seem to care if I am there or not. Some that I have literally put my own life and needs on hold for, some that I went against not only my better thoughts, but against my husband's thoughts, and yet...here I am. I am struggling to keep my head above water. 

I have never asked for much. Don't lie to me, don't abuse my trust, don't disrespect me or what I need to do. I don't trust easily and once it's broke, I will never fully trust you again. How do manage this with those you love? Some days, it feels like they are the ones that can hurt you the worst. This is where my own expectations come in to play. I have spent, quite literally now, focused solely on my kids. 25 years where my entire life was devoted to raising, teaching, loving and providing everything I could for my kids. I worked through some pretty hefty generational blocks, only to have them resurface. I battled through some severe health issues by me, but also by my kids, and had to unlearn everything I was told to was right - it was all wrong, for my kids. Only to have people that were never in my situation or dealt with what I did, decide to interfere in everything I tried to teach my kids so they could succeed without falling into major issues. None of that matters in today's world. There is no respect given to those with experience. I spent years jumping on trains and driving to the area I was raised in, nearly every time I was needed, even if I didn't have the money. I made a way, even if I had to borrow it. Then I stopped. Again, I was the bad guy. I put distance between everything that hurt me. I didn't want to become a cold and calloused person; that is just not who I am. However, each time I have left a door cracked, someone comes through it and blows it off the hinges. Then, I am expected to be there, and when I'm not...out come the guilt trips about everything I am not. I know I have a lot of flaws, but my heart is a good one. It has loved so many, and rarely gotten that love in return. 

I have never been a high maintenance or materialistic person. I really don't need much, but the time/love/attention. I struggle through surface conversations. I love deep, intellectual conversations that require thought. I love conversations that not only make me think, but that are also thought provoking. I love nature. There is so much to learn, know and to share about that. I had to learn so much for my kids, and that opened my eyes to it over the past 25 years. I don't demand respect, although I feel it should be given, you can't expect low vibrational people to give it. I expect truth, from anyone that is going to be close to me, and if I tell you something; I expect you not to spread that conversation to everyone. I don't do it others, and I hope for the same courtesy. While I know that life gets hectic, and my own experience of having days turn into weeks, I have come to understand that priorities are shifting too. They have been for decades. People use others for all they can until they no longer need you. Then you are a burden to every thing they do. Honestly, some days, I feel like shutting the world out and turning off the feelings that end up causing me to hurt. I was once very apt at that, but I don't want to go back to that, if I can avoid it. 

As I said, I have spent 25 years with my kids, managing their health, their education, listening through heartbreaks and injuries, through lost friendships and anger outbursts. I have done everything possible to teach and guide them. Always making sure they had a voice, could think for themselves, and understood the importance of family. We opened our home to their friends, and treated those kids as if they were our own. Some have even become honorary(adopted) kids. As kids grow, you start to see things a little different. I once believed that a "good" parent instilled good values into their kids, that a child's behavior was based on the involvement of parents, and that a family unit would grow not divide. I tried to teach my kids to be leaders not followers, and to make educated decisions. Many of my thoughts on children's behaviors and actions have changed. While I do believe that parental involvement is a big part of a child's growth, I am more inclined now, to think that those influences your children have, outside of your home, are just as impactful. Many times, its those outside influences that upend everything you have taught, until they realize the damage and destruction that has been caused. However, as a parent, your love is unconditional and you end spending more time praying. 

I am beginning to understand the many paths of our ancestors. I remember hearing so many stories from my grandmothers about life as they were growing up. My family was not a rich group, in terms of money, but they had love, faith and each other to get through. It was considered abnormal for multiple generations to not live together. This was in part due to the cost/economy, but it was also due to the importance of the family unit. There were always people around to help each other and build their own communities with. This was before the scam of multiple households/mortgages/daycare/etc. This was before divorce was normal, before people had a need to travel the world, and long before the "instant access" generations. This was the values I tried to instill into my own kids. They had a lot of time with one grandmother, that believed as I did, once she passed, those values changed for them and their Dad. For me, it has just broken my heart to see the distance and teachings be thrown away. The chipping away of those values, throughout the decades, has culminated to the mess we live in today. I believe those old values were still better than any today. Sure they worked hard, struggled and lived in close quarters, but the love, loyalty and family unit was worth its weight in gold. 

Each day, I find myself in deep thought anymore. Grieving a few things, missing a few others, and praying that someday, sanity returns to our world. I'm hopeful that I can accept and grow from the challenges that I silently battle. I pray everyday for my family unit; my husband, my kids, my "adopted" kids, our extended families and dear friends. I worry about each, even though logic tells me I shouldn't because it's not reciprocated. That is just who I am. 

Today, I will pray, also, for everyone that is dealing with silent battles they don't talk about. The ones that weight heavy on their hearts, that they battle through PTSD and those that just don't know where to start. I pray that God guides you and raises you up to see how valuable you are; to yourself and others. I pray that you find strength to overcome all adversities, all obstacles and negativity. I pray you all find peace within your heart and compassion within your sole. I pray that everyone sees their blessings and their lessons. I pray that God will hear my prayer and the unspoken prayers. Amen.

Coffee and Conversation

 

It's incredible that we are half way till Memorial Day already! Time is flying past me, and so much is being lost as I attempt to keep up. 

I have had so many thoughts that have weighed heavily on me this year. I spend a lot more quiet time than I have for a long time. I have realized that many people can only relate to subjects that interest them or that they understand. I once believed that communication was the key to all relationships, and I know know it's not that simple. There has to be a degree of comprehension and a desire to be empathetic/compassionate too. Going through life believing you know everything, putting yourself on a higher ground than others, and/or assuming you know best for everyone; that closes a lot of doors. There is plenty that I will never understand and I'm not capable of overriding my own beliefs to try to be compassionate about. I'm human...I have plenty of flaws. I've seen and heard a lot that I don't believe I could ever do or say but I've not seen the choices being offered to know how I would react. Herein  something I'm told does set me different. I do attempt to understand differing sides to a subject, even if I disagree. Again, another reason I have become more quiet. Being human, and very independent thinking means I usually have a not so nice way telling people they have "head up the a$$ syndrome." 

Since we just celebrated Mothers Day, it had me reflecting a lot. The one thing I always wanted was to be a mom. It has been my greatest reward but also, some heart breaks. I made sure my kids never had to worry about getting attention, wondering if they were loved, and did my best to show them that a mothers love is unconditional. In being a stay-at-home-mom, they never experienced having to truly fend for themselves. They knew how to do household chores, but was never required to do them or go without. They never had their mom working long hours, not able to plan for their birthdays/special occasions. They were given everything I had to give, even on the hardest of days. Kids do not come with instruction manuals and anyone that says otherwise is an idiot! Each of my kids have unique personalities, learning styles, and attitudes. I love my kids. The part that so many don't realize until later in life, is how difficult it is when your kids are grown. Maybe because I have spent 25 years with my kids full-time, now that they are grown, it's a big ole bag of mixed emotions. I trust how I have raised my kids, even if outside interference has made relationships rocky. We can all give advice, but the advice given is usually by people that don't have anything to lose. Unlike being a mom, when our kids suffer, we suffer. So, watching our kids make decisions, we pray God guides them because there are a lot of opinions that will steer them wrong! 

I've really had to bite my tongue for several years, as I have dealt with my own life changes. Things that once were important, aren't as important...but things that I once was content with, I'm not anymore. I've joked for years about being "low maintenance," but not "no maintenance." I do not require high priced anything, I'm not a fan of shopping, and I find beauty in the simplest of things. However, some days being low maintenance, feels like you're being forgotten. This goes from relationships to everything else. I don't require validation, recognition, or praise. I can cheer myself on, but once in a while it is nice to hear something positive from someone else. I know my life is quite boring compared to some, but there are things I love to share or conversations to talk through something or areas that interest me, would be so nice. Not having to compete with the television, the cell phones, or talking to people that actually are paying attention would be incredible. 

As I said, the things I have done for years, like household chores, has been a huge point of contention for years. A little back story to the method for my "madness." I had 2 kids with differing issues that required specialized cleaning/laundry, and required me to read every label and know triggers for allergies and skin issues. So, for years, rather than others learning how to do things or asking, it was just taken for granted I would just do all the cleaning, laundry and shopping. I did it because I had to. It was obvious there wasn't a magical cleaning/cooking fairy to help out. Through the years though, this became an excuse to not help at all. I constantly heard, "well, you have a certain way to do things and you'd get mad if they weren't done right." It wasn't a mattered of getting mad, it was a matter of trying to prevent major issues and no one was willing to actually learn to be able to help. Now, I am still expected to handle everything, although I am trying to teach my youngest(who had extreme allergies) to pay attention to everything. Sometimes, having the draw of what others are doing though, has been a learning experience of what not to do. It has been so challenging to try to teach both my children their limitations when others wanted to discard or go against my teaching. Now, as much as I hate it, I have had to allow some of their issues to be dealt with the way they are told is best, by others. The cleaning part, I've had to continue some things, because my own allergies have gotten worse the older I get. One thing that people have looked at me funny for is sweeping. I can not sweep with a broom. It puts too much dust/dander in the air. I use my vacuum with the extra filters, the wand for baseboards and at the ceiling and have had to purchase the special vacuum to be able to do it. I have to sweep no less than once a day. Laundry soaps all irritate our skin, even though I found one that is better...without having to constantly make a homemade soap. I can't regularly use chemical cleaners. All my cleaning is with vinegar, essential oils, peroxide and baking soda. I've been able to use a few cleaners lately, but I can't use them often and bleach is only when required. Obviously, this is healthier anyway, but it does require a learning curve. I will say this, life would be a lot easier if I could just live blissfully unaware!

 

I know I have seen other women my age talking about this phase of life, we are each dealing with, and the pet peeves that seem to have erupted through the surface. Things that have bothered me, are now things that send me into orbit now. Things that are apparently invisible to others...the over flowing trash can(let's just push the trash down and keep adding to it so the bag rips when you try to take it out!), the empty roll of toilet paper being left on the holder while a new roll is used and set somewhere else, the dishes no one can seem to see that need washed or put away, no one knowing where things go or are in a kitchen with all open shelving, everyone wanting to know "what's for supper," yet no one has any suggestions - EVER! For me, there are days when I hear, "well you are at home, can you do this, this and or this?" Sure, let me just add those to my daily list of cleaning, school work, laundry, and my own chores. Most of the time, it's not a big deal but some days...it's the straw that breaks the camels back. I can't tell you the last time I was actually asked about my day, and I had more than 2 minutes attention to actually talk through my day! This all may seem petty to some, but these are my thoughts. Having my kids being young adults now, has thrown in another monkey wrench. I have no idea what there is beyond being a full-time mom. For nearly 25 years, my days have been full of taking care of kids. Now,  my kids have very little time for me as they begin finding their way or as they find their own path. Sure, we raise our kids so they can spread their wings, I just didn't realize how lonely it would be when they didn't have time to visit with Mom. It's strange when I have 2 opposite ends of the spectrum. My kids are finding their own paths and my own parents are too busy to be able to visit with me. It's such a weird spot!

 

So, all that being said, I have been trying to figure out "what's next," for me. It took us relocating for a couple of years to find something that truly makes my heart full(next to being a mom). I was so blessed to get to find a way to work with veterans in a way that felt fulfilling. In 2017, I started to interact with veterans on a personal level. I was part of events that showed gratitude and offered events to further help them with their rehabilitation. It has been something that has been such an amazing opportunity. I have gotten to know so many incredible veterans through the last 8 years. I know I want to continue on this path, I'm just trying to work out how. Having the annual deer hunt, takes a year to get organized/paid for but I would like to be able to do more. I just have to figure out the logistics of how. Volunteering has been so rewarding and I will continue but I'd like to find something that I could earn a little too. We'll see where this line of thought takes me. 

I believe I will finish this blog for today. I just keep hoping for conversations with grit that don't leave me feeling empty and a mind that is less full of clutter!

A little morning chatter

 

Good morning! I thought this might be the best way to work through some thoughts, so I hope you'll indulge me in my chatter. What better expression than a couple of hens, especially since I am currently surrounded by hens and my pet rooster. 

Turning 50 was not a big deal to me, although it was in a sense. To me age is just a number. The big deal has been about 10 years of a battle within my head, of expectations I had for this stage of my life. There are so many memes that I can relate to anymore! "it's a good thing thought bubbles don't appear over my head," "I may not say a lot, but my face has subtitles." So many times, if anyone paid attention to my facial expressions...they would know exactly what I was thinking and likely NOT saying! I grew up "checking the boxes." Get good grades, graduate, get a degree, get married, have children, buy a house, yada, yada. Well, I can check all those boxes but the areas that challenge me know, are the ones I didn't. I have a degree that is completely useless since choosing to be a Mom, instead of juggling a career and motherhood has had me out of the job field for over 20 years. Any skills I had with that degree, are outdated. I can care for kids, run a household and farm, juggle 15 activities but know just enough technology to do bare minimum. I raised my kids to be productive members of society, to work hard, to put our family first, and be of good character. All so our family unit would stay attached in a world that is doing everything possible to destroy the family unit. Well, a lot of good that does, when society, technology and some with less character invade that inner circle. It's really difficult knowing you gave everything. So, now that my youngest is a young adult, I am asking what now?! I love the time with my kids, and honestly...that was better than any career could ever be! 

Having conversations with my husband lately has also revealed so pretty big divides. While I do believe difference help balance a relationship, it's a challenge to find middle ground with 2 very stubborn people. A lot of personalities for both of us, have been shaped by our upbringing and our experiences. My husband tends to be more hard lined, brutally blunt, and unforgiving. Once someone crosses him, he's done with them. I am just the opposite(mostly). I attempt to be more empathetic, compassionate and understanding. I will bite my tongue and tolerate a lot before I pull the plug. While there are some areas I wish I could be as cold and calloused as he can be, I'm just not. I give too many chances, and will get angry because someone/something has hurt me instead of showing the hurt. My daughter is constantly reminding me that "not everyone is like you mom." Even knowing this, doesn't help. 

It took me a lot of years to realize that my own expectations of others, caused a lot of hurt to myself. I expected people to pay attention to what I said, or know how to behave and that just was not the case. When you constantly have to repeat your thoughts, wishes, or your needs; and they are serially ignored, disrespected or not heard...you lose hope. Having to repeat yourself, makes you withdraw little by little until you no longer depend on anyone. This scenario is one I've gone through, in many areas, for about 10 years now. I've found myself withdrawing from area by area. Now, I am more quiet than not, and I don't feel the need to argue. The last few years have really been tough for someone who was once an outgoing person, for someone who always looked for the good in people, and maintained a thread of hope in the eye of a lot of negativity. The one thing I continually remind myself is that I am not a mean person, and I refuse to become so cold and uncaring that I withdraw even further than where I've been. 

I have decided to change some focus lately. I scaled back my vegetable garden, I am going to work on the landscaping to make it look the way I want it to - even though it's looking rough, I am going to build a few things this summer and see if that is still something I can enjoy, I'm growing some extra herbs and going to try my hand at that - it's never gone well before, and most importantly, I am giving myself some grace is areas that I am not doing well in. You see, getting constant negativity and degradation has not made me perfect, and while I have no desire to be perfect, I can learn to accept and respect myself. Sadly, this is an area that is lacking in education and has been for decades. While doing better for ourselves is a great goal, being happy with who we are in the moment should be applauded too. 

So, there you have it. My morning chatter. Now, I suppose I will go accomplish something productive. 

Be happy in who you are today, while you strive to be better tomorrow!

Coffee and Conversation

 

The end of April. It has started out kind of rainy, cloudy and 48 degrees. We've been as high as 89 and as low as 24 this month. April has been a roller coaster. Since my home has become emptier, the need to plant a huge garden has become needless I will always have a garden, but I did down size significantly this year. Instead of nearly a quarter acre, it's down to just 2 - 4' by 48' and 1 - 18" by 48' rows. It seems so small. Yet, I have most of what I wanted and needed planted. I have one row framed in and hope to do the same with the other 2 eventually. I do like the idea of only having to weed a few areas this year. I spaced the rows to allow my mower to get in between. I wanted to be able to turn the unused areas back to grass. My husband found me so used babcat tracks to put out that I can use for a "raised bed." There are 2 of them, one will be for my mint and the other for flowers. Our dear neighbors gave me 2 old John Deere planter boxes that will become actual raised beds. They also offered me an elderberry bush that is growing out the side of their barn. I really want to get some trees to plant around the property, but I am wanted to see what the decisions are this year to decide whether I will invest there or not. There are a lot of decisions to make, and so many projects are hinged on those decisions. 

So, let's jump into my garden for a bit. We went to a new nursery this year to find plants. Last year nearly every plant package I bought, was mislabeled. There might have been 1 of the plants in a 4 pack, but the other 3 were different...sometimes it was actually 3 different plants. I was not impressed. Since last year, I bought plants at 2 different places and had the same results...this year, I went to a new location. All their tomato plants were sold in 2 packs, we got 10 of those 2 packs with 4 different types of tomatoes. Their bell pepper plants were sold in 4 packs. I got 4 of the red/green, a yellow and an orange. I got a 2 pack of jalapenos, a 2 pack of something that is suppose to be a sweet/hot combination too. I got all my herbs from the same place - oregano, rosemary, thyme, sage, basil and cilantro. I got my brussel sprouts and broccoli at our local Mennonite store. I also got some new green bean seeds to see if they will grow, since I've had 3 years of them not growing well. I got some potatoes, corn, beets, and onions in also. My husband tilled up the rows for me, and we added some manure from the sheep compost pile. My daughter and I worked together to plant everything. For years, the garden was my thing. That was my solace when I was stressed. The last few years, I've tried to share the knowledge with my kids. It went from gardening for necessity to gardening for a purpose. I want my children to know how to grow their own food and where it comes from. 

This leads to some of our home school lessons. Learning about recipes, measurements, spice combinations, what each of the spices benefit our health, meal planning, and even the clean up and organization of a kitchen/pantry/freezer. It's been an experience seeing and teaching my kids. Each one has their own learning method and style. Each has had their challenges as we learned and grew together. One of the biggest teachers has been real life experiences. Allowing them to learn through the experience of life, real world challenges and problem solving with actual repercussions/rewards. That is difficult for a mom. We want to protect our kids, yet sometimes the best lessons are the ones they learn the hard way. That does not mean, we don't sit back worrying or spend more time praying; God knows I pray for my kids - sometimes several times a day. Unlike my generation that grew up, basically by the time we were 12, and had chores and responsibilities...each generation tries to make the next a little easier. Sadly, by doing this, we create a generation that doesn't value the hardships, lessons or learning experiences. I once believed that if a child raised correctly, they would turn into a good person. Thus, if a child wasn't they wouldn't. I've learned that we can raise our children to the best of our ability, but many times they are influenced by others - even as adults, and they lose their way. We just have to keep praying they find a place to turn around and get back on a good path. Many times, those influencers haven't had a good upbringing or they are rebelling, or they are just not of good character. The worst ones, are the ones that want others to like them so much or they have ulterior motives. Whether it is trying to keep peace, trying to separate a family unit, or avoiding giving an opinion. I've always believed that our children should be told the truth; especially on matters that are important. I remember emails with my son's mother-in-law, who was concerned with their maturity and readiness to get married. I told her, "we may not agree with their choices, but we have to trust that we raised the kids to do the right thing." Sometimes, taking your own advise is a tough pill to swallow. Especially when you want nothing more that to keep them close to you, as you watch everyone trying to pull them away.

I can remember, when I was growing up, there were things that were just taboo to talk about - politics, religion, how you voted, and especially sex. When I was a kid, kids were not meant to be heard. You didn't get to voice your opinion without serious repercussions. Now, absolutely everything is open to discussion. Most things, I am ok discussing...but there are some things that need to remain in the mental health field; and there are some that need serious counseling.  I still believe children should be allowed to be children for as long as possible. Introducing adult topics to our young people is a form of abuse. 

Now that I am 50 and my home is becoming an empty nest, really quickly...my heart aches, and my brain is in panic mode. I keep coming back to the question, what now? I have devoted nearly 25 years to being a mom and I don't know how to juggle this feeling. I still have a year and a half to teach my youngest...but 16 years has already flown by. I have a degree, but all those skills are outdated. I haven't worked outside home really, since my kids were very little. The things I love doing are not income producing. I don't know what I'd want to do, so I can't update skills for a specific career. I have no interest in returning to schooling, when it would be learning things I have not used in 50 years...and has more to do with sexuality/pronouns/and being politically correct, than actually learning a new skill. I hate traveling, sitting in an office sounds suffocating, being tied to anything for more than a few hours each day would drown my soul. I haven't focused on things that interested me for decades now. I don't even know where to start! 

My volunteer work focuses on some of what is important to me. Almost all of it, works with veterans. That is where my passion lies. Doing what I can to help those that served. From our disabled veteran hunt to the monthly veteran coffee meetings; and the year round events - meals for veterans day, Christmas gifts for veterans in homes, veteran appreciation meal, etc. these are meaningful moments to me. I am gearing up to start raising funds for these events next month. 

Since my brain has been really chaotic the last several weeks, I have tried to reign it in with more prayer, meditation and writing in my journal. When there are thousands of thoughts spiraling through your brain at any given moment, it's difficult to focus. I have written a master project list, with things I know need done or I want done. As I made mention earlier, there are several decisions that need to be made and then followed through with. I am someone that has to have a plan...even if that involves a back up plan with every letter of the alphabet. I do not do well with a "fly by the seat of your pants," attitude. Many of my plans are in place a year out. So, throwing something at me a week or even a few months before, pretty much means I won't be involved. I have to have details on things. I tend to be a detail person. If you tell me there is an event; I need day, time, whose involved, what my role is, and what other events are involved.

So, as I move on to my day...I am closing the month with a thought and prayer. I am ready for warmer temps and more sunshine. I'm ready for hours outdoors and flip flops. I'm ready for a new month.

Conversation and updates

 

Well, where do I start today?! I have thought about a video for weeks now...but there is never time without wind, rain or noise. I have had so much to talk to about, but I have limited myself to really thinking about what I share very deeply before sharing. There are just too many that are not strong enough to handle my unfiltered thoughts without completely melting into a pile of offense. 

Let's start with one of the big changes for me. After being so sick this last time, I stopped smoking. 2 months now, and there have been some really rough days and some set backs...but I am pushing through. When I was smoking the most, if I was really busy...I didn't smoke. It's when I got bored, upset, depressed, or royally stressed out when I would smoke a lot. If there is one thing I know as fact...if you are going to do anything difficult, you have to want it more than anything for it to happen. As far as giving up most addictions, you have to do it for yourself. It can't be something forced, or even for other people - no matter how much you love them. It's not easy. Just ask anyone that once smoked, drank or anything else. Even after 2 months, having a really bad day or a stressful situation; there is a chance of giving in. The one thing I will not do to anyone, and try to always remind myself of anything I'm doing...beating yourself up and degrading yourself is not going to help anything. You have to take a deep breath and keep going. It took Noah, what, 40 years to build the Ark?! I can't bring myself to trading one bad habit for another...so I will do everything I can to work those tough days. 

All that being said, it's that time of year for outdoor work! My favorite times of the year...gardening, mowing and landscaping. This year is allowing me to make some changes in my gardening. There are now just 3 of us left at home, and that means I am no longer having to bust my butt to provide food for 5+ people anymore. This year I get to grow less for preservation and more for fun or trial. It's strange not needing as much but I am looking forward to making some changes. Maybe even expanding some skills and furthering my knowledge. I am planning to add some new trees and berry bushes this year also. I would also like to add a lot more flowers to the landscaping. One thing I have learned over the twenty-plus years of gardening...without flowers and pollinators, your gardens won't grow to their potential. I had hoped to enroll into an herbalist class this year, I just haven't found one available that isn't outrageously expensive. That is an area I need more education in. Anyway, I am excited to start mowing too! I know, most people dread this chore...I look forward to it! It's time when I can't hear anyone, no one can talk to me, and I can just allow my thoughts to go where they will. 

For a couple years now, I have been working on my recipe book. This has turned into a bigger project than I planned. I've found recipes that are only half there, have gotten mixed up(if multiple pages), or only have ingredients but no title or directions. So, I have to go through every one of them and try to write them legibly, with full directions and titles. I promised these to my kids 2 years ago...but was not anticipating the work I had to put in so they could even read them. It's one thing when you are a cook and know the basic directions for any recipe...it's another to have only an ingredient list and have to guess how much of each ingredient and what order to mix them, then the pan size and oven temp. At least when I am finished, they will have a good size cook book, measurement conversions, and even some natural health tricks and tips. I just hope they enjoy them and get use out of them. 

I am also moving forward with our annual disabled veteran deer hunt. I have messages sent to both large foundations we have worked with. We have secured some donations already, and are building a donation/sponsor tier to allow our volunteers to move forward in our fundraising. We are still trying to secure the items for the annual raffle, but hope to have them locked down in the next couple of weeks. I'd like to see this year's raffle kick off June 1st, but that means having everything ready the last week of May...which means getting tickets ordered by the 10th of May to have in time. IF I can get this pulled off, the raffle will run June 1st with the drawing to be held October 12th at 1 pm. This event alone this year is looking to average about $815 per veteran, for just the hunt. We had funds left last year that allowed us to give 25 veterans a free lunch on Veterans Day. We are also looking into providing veterans in local nursing homes and VA homes a Christmas bag this year, if our donations allow. Once I have a chance to visit with the foundations we have worked with, the scope of our plans will clear up a little. We are in a unique situation, as we are not locked into a single phase cause - when it comes to helping veterans, we can utilize the tools in our tool belt, to work with 2 great foundations that offer very different options to also help veterans. I am just lucky enough to have gotten to know these groups and see that their missions are truly about helping veterans. 

As for the farm, WOW! After 2 1/2 months 63 of 65 ewes have given us lambs. The final 2 are super late! We have 123 lambs on the ground(6 of those are our sons, and 1 is our daughters). Now the next phase of chaos begins - weaning, sorting and selling. This will happen in phases too. Those born in January and early February, are basically ready to wean now. The next phase will be those born mid-February to early March, then mid-March to April. We try to offer them for sale off the farm first, as this gives buyers better options at the colors and sizes they choose. The ram lambs are the same - better options of size and colors from the farm. That being said, some will end up going through the sale barn. The sheep market is ok right now, but we've seen the bottom drop out of it over the last few years...so a good year would be awesome! My chickens and ducks decided their pasture area wasn't enough, so they have decided to claim about 4 acres is their playground. You just never know where you will find a chicken or an egg for that matter. They run with the goats, the sheep, the dogs, in the pasture, in the drive...you name it! Crazy creatures just think they own the place. Ha! At least they will help keep the ticks, insects and snakes at bay! Now, I just need to keep them out of my strawberry bed! 

We are nearing the end of my girls Sophomore year. Yikes! We have met the requirements for the state, but not for this momma! We have until the end of June to complete this school year, but I do believe we will continue through the summer again, in case we need more breaks during the next school year. Trying to catch up or remember where we leave off, when things get crazy here, is a pain. Besides...that  just givens my girl and I an excuse to go on a few more adventures. 

I think that pretty much gives a quick nutshell update on everything I am keeping up. I am thankful it's Spring, but I am ready for sunshine and 75! 

Salli

Life and Farm Ramblings

 Life and Farm Ramblings...

 

 

For the moment, I can't even call this coffee chat. I haven't been able to drive coffee for nearly 3 weeks, and that makes me pretty sad. I got really sick a few weeks back, and it has completely uprooted my life. I've managed to keep off the internet because I am trying to focus on healing, but it kind of feels like being being ambushed by a dozen different illnesses, all at once. That illness resulted in me quitting smoking, after a week that all I could do was sleep...smoking and eating did not matter. Since then, I'm slowly getting a little more energy back, but still battling to eat much at a serving and going on 3 weeks without a cigarette throws in a whole other mess to the mix. The awful coughing, tastes changing(everything still tastes like ass), sinuses and allergies in a tail spin as they try to readjust to the nicotine/tar/carbon monoxide being out of my body. So, recovering from a flu and adding in the quitting smoking...it's not been a pleasant few weeks. I know I will feel much better once I get through the worst of this but right now...I'm really contemplating the benefits with how bad I have felt. 

 

So, along with everything I mentioned earlier, we started our 2025 lambing season on the 25th of January. This year, we had 65 ewes that should have been bred. We had a few slow days, but very few. As of today(2/24/25), we have had 60 ewes give birth to 119 lambs. We still have 5 that are straggling, and only 2 of those are visibly bred. So, we'll see how that all turns out. We have had some chaos, that is expected with that many sheep. Richard had to pull several babies this year. Even with the extreme cold snaps, we have had minimal loss. We have 4 bottle babies this year, which is the most we've had for a bit. We are sitting pretty good on hay, and knowing there's about 10-12 weeks left before we can turn out on pasture is reassuring. I am really happy we have our chickens still. Saturday, I went to the store and decided to look at egg prices. OUCH! An 18 pack of best choice white eggs, $13.95. I do believe if I hear anyone complain about $2-$3 a dozen of my eggs....they will be dodging them as I throw the eggs at them! 

 

Just a couple weeks and my baby will be 16. It's unbelievable how quickly the time with my kids has gone. I suppose every parent feels this, and I am no exception. My baby turning 16, has really been hard though. I have loved being a full time mom. I have loved my kids, and all the kids that adopted our family as part of their chosen family. I tried to raise my kids to understand the importance of putting our family first. I personally worked through a lot of traumas to give my kids everything that I wished for growing up. I have made plenty of mistakes as a parent, every parent has, but loving them - unconditionally, has not been one of them. When my oldest got married, I was happy to have a daughter-in-law I thought I had gotten to know pretty well. One phrase that I was told about a year ago, has sadly been accurate. "A son is a son, until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter, for the rest of your life." It's been a difficult transition to go from a house full of young people, to only one. It's difficult to watch as the ones we raise choose to remove you from their their life and idolize poor behavior. I can just hope that when these young people become parents, they find some wisdom in the direction I tried to lead them.

 

I have had to really back off on everything that has not been focused on getting myself healthy again. Each day, I am feeling a little more human, and will be getting back in the saddle with everything. The big priorities right now, are the Disabled Veteran Hunt and the gardening. I need to touch base with a couple of the non-profits we have worked with, and get a plan in place with them; and get their sponsorship pledges in the books. I have  secured 4 donation pledges since the first of the year. I will be working to secure our raffle items over the coming month, and we will be securing our disabled veteran hunters in June. 

 

Gardening for this year is going to look a little different. Since there are just 3 of us now, I no longer have to plan for hundreds of jars of food each year. So, I am going to try my hand at some fun gardening - containers, raised beds, patches thrown in where ever the urge hits, and some flower gardens too. I will be on the look out for trees, fruit trees, berry bushes, and some wind block trees too. I will still be canning, but I definitely don't need 800 plus jars each year. 

 

Well, that's the nutshell ramblings to catch up. I'm sure there is plenty I missed, but this covers most of it. 

 

Coffee and Conversation

 

I will be the first to admit, I do not know everything. Honestly, I know a lot about a lot of areas, and am a master of none. I tend to follow the directions my interests take me. I'm curious, and become fully engulfed in learning where/when I can. While some lessons, I'd rather not learn...I do try to, so I don't have to repeat them. I am only human, which means, there are plenty of areas that I am ignorant to; areas that do not effect or touch my life. It's truly a dichotomy. 

My personal areas of knowledge do have a large range, but focus on my family, Veterans, gardening, cooking, and research. The past decade, I've dove off into government, politics, ancient customs(religious beliefs), ancestry and state/local law. My underlying belief is that you don't know, what you don't know, until you learn it. That statement has made a huge impact on my life.

The past week, has been a busy and strange one. I've had an encounter that I had never experienced and never want to again. We are in lambing season, which means a lot of late nights/early mornings...and lots of walks to and from the barn, all day. We have entered into the second half of this home school year. It's time to get paperwork in order for taxes. I'm trying to get unfinished projects tied up, so I can finally move on to some new ones. I have barely made any gardening plans, because I just have not had the extra energy. I have worked on our annual veteran hunt plans, but I am concerned how to manage sponsorships, supplies, and equipment - when you work with other groups, you have to work with their schedules and I don't want to nag at people. Of course, there is the budget to contend with...which is a challenge when everything except your income is increasing. 

Writing has always been my outlet for stress. It tends to get frustrating when there is so much I would love to say and talk about, but I just don't feel putting most of my life online, is a great idea. That is when and why I tend to withdraw. I am not feeling that my way of expressing or communicating is effective. I have shared some of my experiences, some knowledge that I have learned - sometimes the hard way, and things that I would personally do different if I could. The thing that gets me, there are actually people that want to argue about how you should feel, how you should do things, and refuse to educate themselves while belittling those that do. It's truly incredible. 

I've made plenty of comments about not being a people person. Honestly, that is not accurate. I love people, and getting to know people does improve my own knowledge. What I can not stand is those that have to constantly one-up you, that refuse to listen to anything outside their knowledge, constant gossip(which is bad since I live in a county that is a gossip mill!), and those that refuse to accept responsibilities for their own actions. It's interesting to tell people that I don't hate anyone...the response always floors me. I have had people start naming lists of people they hate. I don't. I may hate a situation/circumstance, but hate is such a negative and defining emotion. It's dark and ugly. It breaks down any open communication in relationships, and sets a path of negativity in nearly all circumstances. While I personally have experienced some of that negativity the last several years...I have also known when to course correct. I learned when I was younger that self-responsibility is a must. This means you have to change your thought process, change the group of people you spend time with, change your situation, or whatever is necessary to become a better person. Ultimately, it is my responsibility to fix me, because sometimes, I am the problem. 

Today, I have a continued busy schedule but am reminded to take some down time too. Being constantly busy, doesn't equal productive. Being productive, doesn't just mean getting things done...it also means taking time to visit, time to reflect/meditate, enjoying the new lives on our farm, not rushing through lessons to get to the independent study time because those side conversations matter just as much! Taking the few minutes to look over the garden lists, and dream a little. 

We get so busy making a living, that we forget to make a life...at least one, we don't need a vacation from. Sometimes, we have to take a step back and remember why we chose the direction we are going. I pray each of you has a great first week of February.

A few thoughts

 

 

 

As usual, my thoughts are too much for a generic social media post. So, a quick outline on subjects...but we all know I rarely stay on the straight path. 

*Support Local Business

*Technology Challenged

*my 50th trip around the sun

*mish mash of thoughts

 

First, local business. I have used big box stores and even online shopping. So, that disclosure is first! I have spent several years trying to support small, local businesses. To me, it is not just about keeping our money in our communities, although that is a major bonus.  For me, it's about keeping businesses in our communities. I have seen a lot of our smaller communities severely impacted the past 25 years, by the rise in big box stores, corporate farming, the lingering effects of recessions and housing collapse(2008), and the increased need of instant gratification. The rise of big box stores and online shopping, has killed thousands of smaller businesses, and even competition. Growing up, we could go to a mall, have no less than 10 stores with similar items to choose from...now, we have Walmart, Amazon and to a much lessor degree Target. We have seen the news of Dollar Tree/Family Dollar, Big Lots, and now Kohl's closures. We've watched as Sears, Penney's, Bergner's and so many similar stores have disappeared. On the smaller scale, I have seen so many of my local communities struggling to stay relevant. Many of the towns that had post offices, churches, a bar, even a single store in them, have whittled away to nothing more than a cluster of residents; all swallowed up by mismanagement of government and big business. When we do not support our local small businesses, they can not stay in operation; and in turn will close. This has a bigger effect on the communities; from job losses, people leaving these communities, smaller schools closing forcing a large centralized school that requires long periods on a bus, and another community is left desolate. We have seen this happening to many of the small towns in my county. None of this allows for competition either. 

Growing up, in the time I did, I was part of the last generation that did not have technology until I was older. While my husband and I have a different experience with this, in my school...we didn't have computers until I was in high school. Then, it was those great big, massive boxes, that each one took up an entire desk. I think we had 8 of them to start with. I didn't have a cell phone until I was nearly 20 years old. I can still count on my hands, how many times I have played a video gaming console. I went through high school learning to type on a typewriter, learning shorthand - because it was what was taking over the business world, and learning every ounce of accounting paperwork - hand written. At 22, I started learning the computer business models in college. While I know that technology can be a great tool, and I use what I know how...I can definitely see the values of NOT having it. I know this is no longer an option, but I am struggling with how to use/learn technology beyond checking social media, emails and these blogs! Every ounce of education I received, is useless! I am not going to take on massive debt to go back and try to relearn everything I already learned...just on a stupid computer. Sadly, that leaves me and some others like me, in a predicament. No marketable skills after being out of the workforce for 20+ years. I don't have a means of learning the new programs, because they are outdated as quickly as you get them. Not to mention, as I said above, I live in a small community...and jobs are limited. While I can manage a lot of things, I am good at a lot of things, none seem to be beneficial off my farm, but are immeasurable on it. Asking for help to learn, is an option I have done...but it takes patience for anyone trying to teach me, and I usually get "let me do it, it's fast that way." So, for a couple more years, I have time to figure some things out while I finish raising my youngest, but time is flying. 

 

Ok, so I just had my 50th birthday a few weeks ago. Hallelujah!!! I have loved all but ONE of my birthdays...the one that hit me hard was my 30th. Anyway, I love it. 50 years of growing, learning, experiencing, and even the challenges; are incredible blessings! I won't tell you that live is all sunshine and roses, cause that would be a big ole lie! There's days it's a challenge when I realize the little things I can't do anymore, or when I go in search of reading glasses so I can read a text message, the time it takes to recover from illness/injury kinda sucks, but for each new day...I am given another opportunity to grow, learn more and hopefully inspire my children to do the same. I can tell you, my 40's were tough years! Especially the 43-49 range. Those years I struggled a lot, I watched my oldest go from baby to getting married and moving out without a second thought, I have dealt with perimenopause all these years(still, to a degree), and having more changes than I ever thought possible in my life. There are a few things I would never change: being a stay-at-home mom for my kids, home schooling, moving to our farm, taking a chance on the sweet - if not a little forward farm kid(husband), learning to make any and every house a home, pretty much most of my adult life - I wouldn't change. I don't do things I feel like I will regret later. I did that when I was younger, it didn't pan out so well...so, I adapted. While I devoted my life to my kids from the first to this last one, trying to be everything to them that I needed growing up, while trying to teach them to be of good character, integrity and honorable people...I missed the memo, about overdoing it and not letting them see the faults in people, the poor character of people, or having to manage the fall out from those situations. I kept that from them. That was a mistake on my part. But now, at 50, I'm looking to find who "Salli" is now. The person away from being a Wife, and a Mom....it's a bit intimidating but also a little exciting. Who knew you could reinvest yourself, or revive yourself! I am excited to see what this year and beyond bring. 

We are half way through January already! We are about a week from our lamb season starting for 2025. I love the baby lambs, but the weather is always a concern. I would like to believe we won't have any lambs to raise on a bottle this year, but that is unrealistic. We have an average of 4 each, sometimes more, sometimes less. That means all night feedings, just like a baby for 6 weeks minimum. It also means cages in my dining room, wood chips all over, and my husband will spend as much time in the barn as he does the house - for about 6 weeks. It's almost time to start preparing for the garden, which is undergoing major changes this year. No more "big gardens," but some smaller garden areas, and some fun gardening/projects.

Coffee and Conversation

 

I am really battling having to minimize my thoughts on social media. So many people read about 3 sentences, like the post and never pay attention. It takes too much time to consider anything, so the mindless scrolling continues. So, I am putting my thoughts in blogs, if nothing more than my own personal journey. My coffee & conversations is replacing coffee chats...because the focus has changed. 

This morning, I spent a couple hours learning some new skills for gardens and trees. There is still a LOT to learn, but I don't see any reason I can't learn these skills and actually use them! Not only are these skills beneficial to the direction I am wanting to go, but they are the fiscally responsible way to go too! Bonus, and big win, in my book. I have used several big plots of land, over the years, to have a traditional looking garden spot. It has worked for a few years at a time, then the soil requires a lot of maintenance to maintain its productivity - a lot of provisions; wood ash, manure, grass clippings, etc. This is all fine, and I needed the large area to have enough growth to preserve large amounts of vegetables & fruits. As the number of people in my house has decreased, so has the unbelievably large amounts of food I need to produce. Now, I get to have some fun with my gardening. I can play around with different growing methods, different small plots and containers, and do more focusing on raising a medicinal garden too. While I have experimented with different things through the years, it's always been with a backup source in the event of failure. After 7 years of gardening for required produce to feed my family, maintain a supply of quality and quantity of food for as many as 10 people for meals; this will be my first year of gardening for 3. Both my previous beds will be allowed to go back to grass, and my fun gardening gets to take hold. I do still need enough for 3 people in my home, but you can't imagine how much less that takes, and how much actually grows - even in experiments, that will provide even if I end up not liking whatever I do. I have several classes/tutorials lined up, even hoping to finally get around to the herbalism class I have wanted to do for over a decade. 

Before my birthday, I wrote up about 4 pages of general goals and 3 pages of dated goals, for my year. I have extremely high expectations, and that really played into 2024 for me. Expectations are great, but as my blunt daughter enlighted me to, "Momma, not everyone is like you." So, having expectations is setting yourself up for a lot of let down. So, I'm returning to my own tried and true knowledge of goals. My goals are something, I can control. They are not based on anyone or anything else. So, if I fail to meet one...it's MY job to start again, try again, and find a way to succeed. This can be daunting when you are surrounded with negativity, but that is all the more reason to persevere! I forgot this for a spell, but now it's time to succeed. I've found many things that do not work, I just keep going until I find something that does! 

Another area, that is my main focus until late Spring, is my house. My home has gone through 7 years of being a revolving door for people needing a place to stay. In turn, that meant cramming a lot of stuff, where ever it would fit, and generally not eliminating clutter before someone else moved in or out. Remodeling projects went on hold, and have not been finished yet...that is also changing. We had 2 open rooms once everyone moved out this last time, and they are being repurposed completely. One room is becoming the pantry, the other is my husband's business/man cave. I have spent this week going through my daughter's disaster area. I will tell you, overwhelm does not even touch that! I started in on her closet over a year ago, and I dropped the ball on that; but my lack of completing her closet remodel, resulting in her entire room being unorganized, cluttered and awful...and her being a slob, did not help! We are working on it together! Although a break today was necessary because the dust in there is killing my allergies!There are several areas that need fixing, and they will be get done too. Each room is getting a thorough cleaning - washing walls, windows, trims, cleaned, vacuumed, dusted, and finished before moving on. My daughter's room and one extra room, are the worst....but when I am done with them, the rest will be easier. At least until I get to the kitchen, that requires finally getting rid of that popcorn ceiling. That will be dusty and nasty, so it has to be warm enough to open some windows! My chicken coop/goat house/duck house is a major priority this year. It's been in bad shape for a couple of years, but it's now leaking bad and the amount of daily you can see from the inside is not good. I just have to decide how I want to handle that. Maybe by summer, lumber prices will be back to a respectable price. Even if it's not, I have to fix that this year. There is a lot of clearing out to do outdoors too. We have utilized some reasonably priced items for storage(since we didn't have enough barn space) but they have worn out their time as objects and are now also leaking/falling apart. So, we have some decisions to make...if we intend to stay put, building a larger shed/barn is going to be necessary. Then there are a lot of factors to figure in about size, interest rates, overall use, etc. We originally set everything up to be temporary so we could build something better by now. There's been a LOT of water under THAT bridge. This year for my little family, is a lot of decisions that have to be made and set in stone. 

I have some other decisions to make also. Now that my kids are all but grown(youngest will be 16), I have a serious case of empty nesting and needing something for myself, finally. I've had to accept the fact that everything my college degree trained me for is no longer being used. So, my degree is worthless! I can run a family, manage our farm, grow and raise stuff...but have no usable skills to speak of, off the farm. I refuse to go back to get another worthless degree, at this age. I am really hoping to find something I enjoy, can learn some skills along the way, and maybe make a little something in the process. 24 years ago, when my oldest was born,and again 16 years ago when my youngest was born, I devoted everything to my kids. I put my whole world into them. My kids always have and always will, come first, above and beyond even myself usually. That meant I basically did not do anything without one or both of them with me, 24/7. Now, the oldest is married and on his own and the youngest is pretty self-sufficient; this mom no longer has direction. We all remember at 24, you know everything about everything, so mom isn't that important. That's honestly how we want to raise them, it's just hard to accept that success. So, there's not much guidance to give there. The youngest, outside of required education and trying to teach life skill basics...mom is just not needed as much either. Then there's "Mom," for the first time in 24 years with some time, not being needed every second of everyday, wondering "what do I do now?" I have to find things that interest me again, that will allow for the things I still have to do. It's a bit terrifying, I will admit. 

 

My journal writing, my blogs and the conversations I carry in real life will guide me, along with God's hand; that I pray for each day. 

A simpler life goal

 

A simple life should never be minimized as an easy life. I personally believe our societal breakdown in grammar has reduced actual knowledge of the meaning of terms. So, a quick grammar correction of definition:

Simple - If you describe people or things as simple, you mean that they have all the basic or necessary things they require, but nothing extra.

Easy -  If a job or action is easy, you can do it without difficulty or effort.

 I believe we have all gotten wrapped up in consumerism, and over indulge. If you look realistically, think about the number of storage unit facilities that have popped up the last 20 years. It is mind boggling to think about. 

How much do we really need? Many people work an exorbitant amount of hours each week; spending all that time away from their family, their home, and all the things they continue to purchase, and for what? When you require less stuff, you are not going to be required to work so much, and in turn...you will be able to actually enjoy what you have. 

2025 is my year of returning to simple. I got wrapped up, like so many others. It didn't make me happier and realistically, it stressed me clear out. Sure there are things I would like to replace, as many of the items we have, are old and worn out. That is a natural progression. Just continuing to add to the crap we already have and don't necessarily have room for, is not in my cards. It's important to me to be an example to my own children, of a simple life. A life free of the chains of debt slavery, of too much unnecessary stuff and actually living instead of existing. My children are all young adults now, but it's important they still understand now before they get too far over their heads. 

My year is returning to basics. I got lost early last year and it took me a long time to pull out of that. This year, I am cleaning out stuff! I am going through every room, the attic, every shed, pretty much everything on our property and eliminating stuff. What can be, will be donated to our local 2nd hand store, some will be dumpster filler, fire starter or hauled for scrap. My gardens are taking new shape this year. I will not be using the main garden or even the back garden. We don't need as much for just the 3 people in our home, but we are going back to a natural diet to help my health and allergies. I will be doing some container gardening, some spot gardening(small squares in areas that work for my needs), and some beds. Many of my fruit trees and vines have quit producing or need some serious attention...and I neglected them last year. I have decided I need to be a better steward of this little plot of land, in my control. I have watched a couple local farmers destroy hundreds, if not thousands of trees, because they are so fiscally irresponsible they need to farm every square inch possible to pay for all they have spent. So, I am going to be planting some trees. I probably won't get as many as I'd like to, because I am fiscally responsible and trees are expensive. As far as that goes, I'd put a house in the middle of a 100 acres of trees if I could! All this worked soil is destroying the land. Yes, we need farming, but desecrating hundreds of acres of trees is adding to the serious dust problems, soil nutrient deficiencies, and wildlife habitat. Crop rotation has helped some, but it will never solve the problem. Nature replenishes itself when it's given what it needs. 

I am redoing my firepit this year. There were several flaws in my original design, and it needs addressed. We have spent so much time racing the clock, that we have neglected to use it much. I am changing that this year, even if I am the only one enjoying it. Being outdoors and getting some down time, is a large benefit to our health. Whether it's sitting around a bonfire, enjoying the natural vitamin d from the sun, having our hands in dirt or grounding; they all benefit our health! With so much technology in our world today, it is obvious to me why there is so much illness. The EMF's coming off all the smart meters, windmills and even solar panels; disrupt your circadian rhythm. We can no longer get away from this anymore, so we must take decisive steps to heal ourselves where we can. 

This last year showed me that while I know a lot of people, and most of them are good people, the majority are not MY people/My tribe. I have a handful that, are undoubtedly my inner circle, but it has been a little depressing to realize that most are not. When you look for people who are within your field of skill, abilities, knowledge, trust(biggest), and even if opinions differ...still able to have respectful conversation; it's pretty humbling to realize who you can or can not call on when you need them OR they just show up when you need them most - without you even having to say anything! I'm not necessarily talking about in person, and that is awesome too but you get a phone call or message saying "hey, I was thinking about you and wanted to check in on you!" I guess it's the ones that you feel really listen when you talk, not that just  brush over things, or not the ones you only hear from when they want to challenge or correct you. It is humbling having to learn(relearn) the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Not everyone is a friend, and friendship should be a coveted endearment. 

I had a lot of things blow up in my face in 2024, it knocked me down....hard! I know how to dance, but cha-cha'ing through the entire year, was almost too much. Yet, there were 3 steady Friends, that were actually there as I needed them. One of them being my husband, who sadly was the one receiving the majority of my ire. He is not one that will just coddle my moods...needless to say, he found buttons that just should not be pushed. He's been a trooper though. While we can SAY that we will be there for people, offer them a safe place to have a conversation; I personally didn't feel that "welcome" this past year. I saw a lot of judgement, a lot of gossip, and a lack of empathy/compassion for anyone or anything that had differed from the opinion of others. I know I am guilty of this, and the past year was my worst - because, for me, it was difficult to have compassion for anyone when that compassion for myself was gone. 

So, returning to a simpler life goal, has become a necessity for me. I stick to my own world most of the time. I will stay on top of things in the news, but simplicity also means knowing when to shut out the outside world. Whether that be a few hours or days; we all need to recharge. I'm choosing to recharge with eliminating things that are no longer serving a purpose for me. Getting rid of the toxicity where I can, but also stepping out of my self-induced comfort zone. You can not grow in your comfort zone. It's a great place to find balance, but you need more to continue growing. I love learning, so I'm focusing on that by increasing skills in areas that interest me. I'm not going to go learn mechanics....but I may just try my hand at some concrete work. I'd love to build my husband the grilling patio he deserves, but I have to learn how first! Having found that my computer skills are very 90's ish and not learning all this new editing crap, whether that be photo or documents, I need so big work there too. I continually learn new gardening/cooking skills...this is truly my area of love. I have just gotten away from so much after reaching a severe burn out state last year. I lost interest in everything. I will be fixing this, I am realistic enough to know it will take time, but my goals are set to fix it. 

I am excited to be on a better path for 2025. I hope to document this journey, so maybe it can help someone else too!