People Watching

If you haven't figured it out, I am a people watcher. I am always amazed at the personalities of different people. Between the personalities, opinions, physical appearance, and knowledge of people; I am always captivated. Being back into the field of bartending, has put me back into the unique position of people watcher and psychologist - all in one. I love what I am doing for a job, which is another topic that is unique. I've been really evaluating everything for about a year now, and the more I learn, the more questions I have. So, I am going to offer up my opinions on a few areas that have intrigued me lately.

People watching - some people call this by other names, but it's basically just being aware of those around you in the sense of physical appearance, and attitude. This is something I have done for so many years. I am always amazed by behavior, attitude, appearance, and lack of self-respect. The latter of these, has become so much worse over the past 20 years. The idea of building self-respect was introduced to me in high school. A class was offer through my high school, called "I can." It was simply a class offering to teach us how to respect ourselves and those around us. Although I loved the class, and am very firmly an advocate for having self-respect; I can't help but wonder if we haven't taken this concept too far. Everyone is so worried about other people's feelings that they neglect to take responsibility for personal actions. Children are being forced to become victims instead of standing up for themselves, and adults are becoming wishy-washy wimps. Everyone uses excuses for their behavior, attitude and personality; my parents were strict, my parents are divorced, I had a rough childhood, or whatever excuses there are...everyone uses an excuse. To some degree, the excuses we all use are accurate. However, too many don't take what they have learned to better themselves. These excuses may be the reason we allow ourselves to wallow in pity but these excuses can also be used to push ourselves to be the best people we can be. A driving force of sorts.

I know almost everyone is aware of the web site called people of Wal-Mart. In my eyes, these photos just prove a point. Not to mention, the insane amount of jealousy that I have heard about. It's amazing to me, all of this! I do not shop at that store often, but I am never disappointed, when I go in, that there will be plenty to watch. Do people really have so little respect for themselves that they dress in pajamas to shop, that they wear clothes half the size they need to be, they go without undergarments and have no right to do so, or allow their children to act like heathens? I don't care about the financial end of things, though I know I am told this has a lot to do with it. Personally, I rarely ever purchase brand new clothes...unless there is one heck of a big sale. I don't understand why people would allow their appearance to slip so badly. I don't care if you make $1000 a year or $1,000,000 a year, you should always look your best when you go out in public. I have always been told that you sell yourself, whether you are applying for a job, or making an impression. Why sell yourself short? Why degrade yourself so badly, and even make the possibility of a web site like that, to be possible?! I don't know anyone, that once they get dressed up, even if it's just in their best jeans and a nice shirt, that doesn't feel better - more confident.

I was always told you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. This goes right with the attitudes of people. I am a firm believer in treating others with respect, when it's earned, but also treating people nicely. Very rarely will you find me being an ass to someone without first trying to be nice. I will be nice first, and if that doesn't work, then I become more aggressive. However, watching people so much, I am finding the majority are just the opposite. Which just tells me, that folks are just out for themselves. As long as people are getting their way and others are jumping through hoops for them, they are happy, nice, and easy to work with. When the opposite happens, they are having to work toward their intended purpose, they are cruel, mean, and rude. Here is an idea, when something isn't right or going the way you want it to go, try being nice first! Try using common courtesy first and see if you can't just get a little further than jumping up and down like a monkey! Don't be disrespectful, so that the other person you are dealing with becomes defensive. Something that is always going through my head, whenever I deal with anyone, is that they may be going through any number of issues of their own - so treat them the way you are wanting to be treated! Pretty simple!

Opinions and knowledge go hand-in-hand. For any of you that talk to people, you know that everyone has an opinion and many times, their opinions are not based on knowledge. To me, when I think about some opinions, I think, wow - this person is really ignorant. Unfortunately, there is enough of a lack of education anymore, that people don't know the true definition of ignorant/ignorance. So, here's a Language Arts lesson for today -
IGNORANCE - ig-no-rance - NOUN - a lack of knowledge, understanding or education: the state of being ignorant.
For so many, their opinions are based on what their parents believed, what their jobs believe, what they just see on the news or hear from someone else. I guess, for me, I question everything! I never take what I hear, see on the news, or what anyone has said, without evidence. I will argue my point, but if there is something brought up that I am not aware of, I will go research it and if I am wrong...I will happily apologize and alter my opinion. However, never will I just follow what I am told. To me that is just asking for trouble. I really believe that without knowledge, you have nothing. I was raised that no education is ever a waste. I still believe this, to this day. The more I learn, the more I question, the more research I do, and the more knowledge I gain - and I can voice educated decisions, and opinions. I am not overly biased about anything. I will admit my own faults, errors and mistakes. I know no one is perfect, and we should all account for that...but why not educate yourself in areas that will allow you to better yourself?

People watching while I work, is always interesting; sometimes entertaining, and sometimes aggravating. Off and on, for the last 19 years, I have done some sort of bartending work. I love the work, the people and the uniqueness of each shift. Most bartenders will tell you, when you become a bartender - you also become a psychologist. Some folks come in to just unwind from their day, some come in just to eat, and others come in looking to talk about their life. I am kind of a strange breed of person, and in each of those circumstances, I enjoy the atmosphere. I grew up with a parent that drank, I had a couple of wild years myself, and now...I don't drink often nor do I drink a lot, but I wonder about the need for alcohol in such great amounts. I know that alcoholism is now diagnosed as a disease, but I can't help but wonder if it's used more to dull a pain or drown an underlying issue. Anyway, watching my customers now, I think about their unique personalities. Other bars I have worked in have had their own uniqueness, but the one I work in now...it's different in so many different ways. The people are not anything like most I have met. These folks are hard workers, they have spent most of their lives busting their backsides to make a living. Some are couples that come in an hang out together, some are there for a game or race, others are there to socialize. I have had the a great opportunity to meet so many of these folks, get to know them, and while it's a different atmosphere...it's the same as every other bar. There is drama, and games but there's something more. This is such a remote area, while people may not live that far apart, they don't gather but at the bar. We have a diverse crowd that ranges from children coming in with their parents for a good meal, to elders that come in to enjoy the camaraderie of friends. With such a small, rural area, you have a uniqueness and a bubble like area. It's difficult to break through the barrier of friendship in such small areas. It's also unique to be able to watch from an outsider view, before breaking through. For me, it has allowed me to see people not for just the persona they put out, but also for the person they are beneath that persona. I love my job, which I'm sure there are some who would love to judge me on that, but I do. I love laughing with my regular customers, I love some of the elders that come in and visit about their grandkids and my kids. I love the folks that come in to watch the games/race, the couples that come in together and visit with each other and you can see the respect they have for each other, and even the singles that come in are great. Some are a little different, but interesting none-the-less. I have a few that visit with me about issues in their lives, a few I have become friends with, and I love when new people come in and I am happy to share what I know about the beautiful area they are visiting. While I get along ok, with most of my co-workers, a few I have gotten closer to and have respect for. My 15 hours a week, may not sound like a lot, but it's plenty in my crazy schedule, is my time to enjoy people watching. It's my time to interact with other adults and have fun. When it's no longer fun, it's not worth being there. I know there are times it gets frustrating, whether it's customers or fellow workers, but honestly...the customers are always the best part of the job.

Is it just me, or has the ridiculous emotion of jealousy taken on a life of its own? I know in my psychology class, we were taught that jealousy, and insecurity were fueled by an individuals lack of respect or a degradation of self. Whatever. Personally, jealousy has never been an emotion I understood, let alone one that I dealt with. I was brought up to be independent and a strong person. That meant, to me, that it didn't matter what was going on...you depended on yourself, period. I have seen, through the years, when couples are jealous of people that the other talked to. Seriously, I don't get this. That type of insecurity, says more to me about that couple than anything else. No matter what the relationship status, I don't find a need to deal with jealousy. There are so many other issues couples face, and that one to me is pointless. The one issue that has recently come up, and has been a regular issue I've heard since I have been bartending, is either of the people(usually the men), come in complaining because their wife or girlfriend talks to another man or dances with another man. Always my first response is: SO? Do you know what the typical response is? "He/She is flirting with them." Again, my response is SO? I personally, still talk to most of my ex's. Honestly, I don't think that someone flirts, talks to, dances with or even visits with, someone of the opposite sex is an issue. I think it's amazing that people are so insecure that these little things become such a major issue. Real issues are agreeing finances, how to raise kids, where to live, or employment. I think society, as a whole, has become so needy, that we have lost sight of what's truly important. Fortunately, my husband and I do not deal with the jealousy/insecurity issues. He talks to women all the time. Whether they are ex-girlfriends, friends, or even just people we meet in different locations, and he flirts...although he says he's just being nice. :) It is what it is, and I think it's funny how nervous women get, when they see me with or realize I am there. Relax ladies...I have more respect for myself than to worry about that! I have always had more guy friends than girlfriends. So, I talk to guys a lot, I am a flirt to some degree, and that will never change. I will not ever tell my husband who he can or can not talk to. That is just wrong, disrespectful and pathetic...in my eyes. Maybe, that is the underlying issue with jealousy, disrespect in relationships. I don't know, but I know it seems to be ramped anymore. It seems to me, to be a complete waste of energy. My husband and I have had our share of difficulties, but not a single one of them has stemmed from jealousy or insecurity. While I have seen fights break out, and spouses fight amongst themselves because of jealousy, it's always such a waste of time to me. For those that read this, and most are women, here's a little advice that I learned MANY years ago!: If you have a boyfriend or husband, don't be petty. If he talks to another woman, dances with another woman or even flirts...let it go! Just like kids, if you are continually pushing them away from something or someone...that is the direction they are naturally going to go. It's like hearing so many accused of having affairs. Seriously??? Do you think, by constantly accusing someone of having an affair, or even constantly telling them not to do something, it's going to work in YOUR favor? It's not, all you are doing is pushing the person in your life, in that direction. You can only be accused of something for so long, before that's exactly what is going to happen. That brings me to one more tidbit that I have learned through the years. When someone is accusing someone else of having an affair...typically it's because the one accusing has done that exact thing.

I am not very old in years on this Earth, but I have learned a lot by watching/listening to people. I have learned a lot through research, but honestly people are the best sources of information. You can learn a lot by hearing both sides of a story...even if you just end up piecing pieces of information together to find a partial story. You can learn so much by just keeping quiet, watching, listening and observing. If we were completely honest with ourselves, we would all know most of this.

I think if more people were to respect themselves, there would be so fewer issues. Rather than be jealous, have respect for yourself and your partner. Rather than dress like slobs, whenever you will be in public...dress nice...you only get ONE chance to make a first impression! Rather than mindlessly following the crowd, research and educate yourself. Rather than hating your job, or drudging through it, find a way to enjoy it. You have to have an income anyway, you might as well find a job/career you love, and one you can enjoy.

Just a few thoughts, from my people watching. I have always enjoyed doing that, but what better way to learn to love what you do, than to find something that makes a job fun. Try people watching some time. Go to a mall, restaurant, bar, whatever...and just sit back and observe. Listen to conversations, and interactions. It's quite educating sometimes!

Salli

My thoughts needing a voice this morning.

As much as I love my kids, and I am very proud of the people they are becoming, they are not perfect! They can be overwhelming, mouthy, have too much of an attitude, they can be disrespectful when they are trying to stand up for themselves without meaning to, and the list could go on! Even with their uniqueness though, I love who my kids are. They are not your typical kids...then again, I was never a typical child either. I get frustrated with them when they start behaving like me(HA! Yes, my parents curse hit me too!), I get angry that they act out at home and show some ugly sides that fortunately they do not show in public, but I have been sitting back and listening and watching them grow, change, and start questioning not only emotions but actions too.

My kids amaze me. Even when we are hitting heads. While my kids are so different in age, I believe every child has their own individual personality anyway. My oldest is a teenager...I know that says a lot within itself. He is a history buff, very firm in his beliefs, and a very unique young man. He has the typical teenage emotional roller coaster. When things don't go as he would like, he tends to get too overwhelmed, too quick. He is a gentleman, and has good manners, but tends to forget he's only 14. Our youngest, while she is your typical youngest child, she is a spitfire! She loves to perform, is always singing, has a temper that has a very short fuse, and is more than happy to stand up for herself. She's a tough little thing, but is just as sweet as any treat you will find. My kids are truly at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to personalities: reserved/conservative and free spirit. It's funny how my kids remind me of myself at different stages in my life...my daughter is just like I was years ago, while my son is more like I am now.

I am having to adjust to my kids being involved in more activities lately. My schedule is pretty tight and full anyway, and then you throw in extra activities and my schedules are overflowing. It's been about a month now, of throwing in extra activities and I still can not get my daily schedules organized enough to get things done. When I can't get organized in some aspect of my life, it throws me into a tailspin. I know I have said this before, but I can't even begin to tell you how much this frustrates me. I have not had a lot of control over much in my life for many years, and I can tell you, that does not bode well for me. I need control in some aspect of my life for me to feel comfortable.

My schedules and lists are what keep me focused and fulfilling goals. When I can't get my lists/schedules completed, I don't get my goals accomplished. Then I become even more irritable and restless. I have really been evaluating myself a lot lately. I know I am a different person than I was 20 years ago, and different even from the person I was a year ago. I am doing things everyday that I know are bettering myself but there are so many areas that I still need to work on. I am not blind to my faults, nor am I focus solely on them. However, there are areas that have me perplexed as to when they changed. I will get it all figured out, I have no doubt, but it is taking time. I am not one who gives up easily anymore, so I have no doubt that I will bounce back and be a better person than ever once I do.

I know some of my stress is from the uprooted feeling I have felt for several years now. In 2010, we had agreed to purchase a home and a piece of acreage that we would have to wait about a year for. It worked for us, at the time, so we could save a little and pay off a few things. After nearly a year and half, the deal fell through. We had spent that year and a half packing and getting everything ready to move, and told the guy we were renting from that we would be moving in August of 2011. When the original deal fell through, we were at the end of September 2011, and the house we were living in had been re-rented and they were waiting for us to move out. We were in a bad position, and were looking at about 30 days to be out of that house without anywhere to go. Fortunately, we were able to get the place we have now, and take it from a hayfield to having a home in about 30 days. What I didn't plan on, was the chaos that would follow. Trying to get unpacked, organize a home smaller than what we had, no storage area, and still have work/school schedules to keep, and the thrown in livestock to learn from the get-go. I went from living in town, to living in the country, to living on a farm over the course of 12 years. I was lost, ignorant to how farm life worked, and no girlfriends around to vent to. I was further in the country than I had ever been, coming down from the chaos of a 30 day build, coming into the holiday season with boxes sitting every where imaginable, and terrified I would never be able to learn how to handle the life we wanted. While I am not a housekeeper, I prefer a clean house. I can't handle clutter well at all, and that is how we have lived for years. I prefer a utilitarian lifestyle, where everything you have serves a purpose and has a place, that isn't realistic with kids and animals. I have had to learn to deal with clutter, deal with toys everywhere, and the unorganized chaos that is our lives....yep, have somewhat learned to tolerate that too. However, I do not like it. With all the clutter and chaos, it makes my brain feel cluttered and chaotic too. So, when all the extras started getting thrown in, it has sent me into orbit!

We began our remodeling projects in February. Talk about biting off more than we could chew....it's been hell! This year, we started with the master bath. That was a long, drawn out project that went from simple surface remodeling to a major overhaul, and ended up taking almost 4 months instead of the planned 2. We moved on to the master bedroom. That went fairly smooth until it came time for paint. We bought a gallon of paint, that we didn't know had been frozen, but it had and when I got the whole room painted...it started peeling. So, I peeled what I could and re-sanded all the rest. I was told that would solve the problem and then I just had to re-paint the room. So, I did and now, there are 3 spots that have peeled off again. So, I have to attempt to repaint, again, without getting it on the new carpet - before we can finish trimming it out. We decided that we needed to get the new addition on, so we would have room to put furniture, out of the way, before we could move on with other projects. We spent a week putting up the new addition and getting it closed in, only to find that we were coming up on our oldest's birthday, and had to have the house looking at least a little presentable. We managed....barely! We rushed to get the new roof put on after finding 2 leaks, and it still isn't completely finished...but it's super close. We have the new furnace set, the lines run to the house, the electric run to the shed, and the old furnace out. We are down to just 2 remaining windows to put in before we can get to work on the siding. We have to buy another water heater, one actually big enough to allow more than 1 shower to be taken every 4 hours, then we can hook up the furnace. We still have to get wood cut, to run the furnace, but that will happen when the furnace is ready. We are just a month and a half from Thanksgiving, and just about 2 months from Christmas, and we have so much to get finished so our house is not a complete pig stye for the holidays. I am trying to be patient as we work around everything else we have going on, it's getting more difficult as the year comes to an end. I am getting tired of feeling unsettled and having paths through our house. I know we will get everything finished, and when we are finished, I will love it. Right now though, I am trying to not be pushy and bitchy about everything we still need to finish. I am pretty sure I am failing at that, miserably, but fortunately, my husband has been pretty tolerable of me so far.

The few things that bring me peace, have been put on hold for a little while. It's not that I wouldn't love to be doing them, but unfortunately, there is not enough hours in a day to do the things I want to, the things I need to or keep up with my kids schedules, and still keep other projects moving along. I am pretty easy to please. I don't need a bunch a jewelry, or brand new anything. I prefer the antiques, and a simple life. I love my photography, love taking hikes, I love my horses and building furniture. I love working in my gardens, and landscaping. Even though I have severely neglected it for far too long, I love to see my family and friends, in my hometown. I have not taken the time I need to, to allow the time I need to with them. For several years, my trips home have been for weddings, funerals or some other major milestone. Years ago, I would take off for 3-4 days to spend time with family and friends up there. Then, I became like so many others, and used the pathetic excuse of there just isn't enough time. The past few years have shown me what I knew and never really took account of...life is short, and those that we love won't be around forever. While I am fortunate that we live close to my husband's family...I have not only neglected my family, but just assumed(like so many others), that they will always be there. I used the excuses that so many have: I don't have the time, I don't have the money(that we seem to find when it's something like a funeral), I can just send a text or make a phone call, they know I am thinking of them, I can't make the trip because not all of us can go, and the list goes on!

The past few years, have been reshaping my thought process, dramatically! When I look at my parents, I see the people that raised me. I see the people that my kids call Grandma and Grandpa. I see my siblings and even my aunts and uncles, that I grew up with, I see some of my truest and dearest friends that I love like family, I see years wasted that I could have spent a little more time with and even allowed my kids to know and remember, and I see years passing by that I will never get back. My life is here, and my home is here, but a huge chunk of my life; my very roots are not. The people that gave me life, the ones that taught me and watched me grow, the ones that stood by my side through thick and thin; are the ones I have neglected. The friendships, the bonds of family, the roots of my existence are 400 miles away and I can't make more than 1 or 2 times a year, for them? It's not acceptable, it's not respectful and honestly...it's weighed very heavily on me for several years. Yes, finances are tight for everyone and everyone is busy with their own lives, but what good comes of working yourself to death and being so financially strapped that those you love are pushed to a back burner, for when it's convenient or when someone passes or gets married. You know, it hit me hard last month, when we had to make a trip home for another funeral. One set of my aunt and uncle, had never met my husband. How pathetic is that? We have been married for 15 years, and they had never met him until last month. This was one of many moments of clarification during my last trip home.

Sometimes, at least for me, you rush to grow up. You can't wait until you are 18 and get away from home, and leave your family behind. You can't wait to be "grown up," and handling your life your way. Some of us, to be able to actually start a life of our own, pack up and move far enough away from family that no matter what we do, they will never know. We are taught as children that once you are 18, you are expected to move out, go to college, get married, or just get your own life started in general. Why is this? I don't know a single 18 year old that knew what the heck life was about at 18. Let alone how they were expected to start building a life, a career, or find a job; all while trying to go to college, manage a home of their own, and learn the importance of maintaining relationships. Now, in such a technological era, it's even worse. People today, myself included, have difficulty maintaining a conversation in person because everything is handled online, and through cell phones. While I would not want to go back to my younger years, I can't help but be curious what would have been different if I wouldn't have left home at 18, wouldn't have felt rushed to grow up and felt pushed into being an adult. It all just feels really wrong to me. I love my kids, and I want them to stay at home until they feel they are completely ready to handle a life of their own. I want them to be able to ease into adulthood because once they get there, it can be overwhelming and suck....but it can also be the most electrifying experience ever. I want my kids to start out on a more solid foundation than I did.

I can't help but miss my family and friends back home. My parents are the reason I am in this world, my aunts and uncles taught me so much and I remember playing cops and robbers in the yard with my youngest uncle. My siblings have gotten older, and I don't get nearly enough time with any of them. My dearest friends, their lives move on a crazy speeds like mine, but I miss our connections, conversations, multiple pots of coffee, and solving the problems of the world. I miss the time I have spent away from all of them, and knowing that we are all aging and that in the blink of an eye, any one of us could be gone. I have seen, so many times, the phrase "the biggest regrets in life aren't the things we have done, but instead the things we haven't done." I can resonate with this! I do not regret a single thing I have done in my life, however, I do regret that I have not taken more time for my family and friends. I would never waste so much time away when it came to my kids, why on Earth have I done it with those that mean just as much to me?! I know I hear that it's just life. I know I hear and say; I don't have the time, I don't have the money, I can't take the time off work, yada, yada. Why do we all use excuses? We may not have the time, money, or whatever; yet we find the time, money and time off when there's something massive. We get so rooted in our everyday lives, that we forget what's truly important.

I am finding that my own thoughts have drifted to family/friend bonds over the past few years. I know that if I truly needed them, I would be able to call on my family. I know that I have a few friends that I could call on, anytime, and they would be there, even if it was just to vent through the phone. I also know, that some of my dearest friends have had some drama and issues beyond their control in their lives, and I am here for them. While I can't always be near my family and friends, I need to make the time and the money available, to be near them more. I have a good life here, but I miss my family and friends back home, and those ties that bind us....can never be broke. I have plenty of excuses why I shouldn't make another trip up home, but with every ounce of my being, I know I need to. I just told my husband yesterday, that I need a couple of days to myself. I need to iron out some of the chaos that is cluttering my head. I am wondering if those couple of days, maybe I need to make a trip home.

I hate feeling guilty when I do things I need to, for myself. I don't deal with being questioned about every aspect of my thoughts, because they are different from most. I have seen so many women who do things to extremes, yet I am just wanting a little bit of time for myself, a little bit of time for my marriage, and a lot of time with my kids. I began working part-time to allow a little extra money in our budget to cover things we wanted to do/see. That has cut into my time with my kids. That has been an adjustment for both the kids and myself. I am having to depend on my mother-in-law to get my oldest to his girlfriends cheerleading events, and my daughter to her dance classes when I can't make them. I have never dealt with having to depend on anyone well. Many times lately, I feel like I am being pushed out of their lives. It's not by anyone, but now that I am working, it's because I can not be there for them like I have always been. I am watching my kids grow, change, and become interested in areas that they really hadn't been, until recently. While I am not overly thrilled that my son has a girlfriend at 14, she is a beautiful young lady and is exceptionally smart. The two of them are the best of friends and have been basically since pre-school. I will not tell him he can't have a girlfriend, or that he can't go support her activities, but we will tell him that if his responsibilities at home and to his school work are not being met, he will spend a week grounded each time he slacks. My daughter has taken an interest in dancing. So, this obviously thrills me to no end. I would love for her to love dance as much as I did, and still do. That is another thing, I will not push though. I refuse to re-live my life through my kids. The choices they make, will be their choices. The will be choices that they are educated about, and the results/consequences of those choices will reflect on them. Yes, I know my thinking is not the normal way. I know my kids are given more freedom than most, and that our means of educating them about life are not normal. However, we are doing what we feel is right, for our kids.

I know so many have given me static because my world revolves around my kids. I hear, "you shouldn't allow your kids to do one thing or another, or you should put your foot down and make them do this or that." You know, maybe that is ok for some, but it does not work for me. Aside from the fact that I am with my kids 24/7, and I pick my battles. I also believe that kids are a lot smarter than they are given credit for...and I have been proven right, more times than not. Whenever a decision is made that affects our kids, we talk to them. We explain the situation, we explain the possibilities, and we explain what we hope to get accomplished. We make all the final decisions, but we take into account, our kids thoughts as well. In our household, our kids are given respect and a voice. While we may not agree with their thoughts, and ultimately, we are still the parents, they are given the opportunity to speak their minds. While I do enjoy the conversations my husband and I have without little ears, I look forward to hearing my kid's thoughts too.

So, as I venture into my day, I have once again been able to put words to some of the thoughts that run through my over-active brain. As I move forward with my day, I know the thoughts will continue, as they always do, but I know my outlet of writing has given me a few minutes to get a few thoughts out of my head, even if for just a little while!

Salli