Mental Cleanout - Frustrations, Gen X kid, and More

It's time for some DEEP cleaning!!!

 

I don't even know where to begin today! I am beyond ticked about so many different things. My stupid cell phone was the catalyst to the frayed end of my rope lately. I work very hard to manage my temper and my moods. I'm talking dozens of notebooks of journaling to keep too many thoughts from piling up in my head or spewing out of my mouth. The minute amount that I share online doesn't even cover a small fraction!  I'm told I think too deeply, too much or whatever...maybe the real issue is others don't think enough.

I may think too deeply, but I can promise I am a "too much" kind of person. I love, care, think, give loyalty, and give empathy too much too. I'm not for everyone, especially the weak. I am honest to a fault, will argue what I know to be true, and I will research the hell out of things that I don't know or don't make sense to me. If you have any clue about who I am as a person, you will know my facial expressions will tell an entire story before I can even school them! One thing I can tell you from experience, there are more people that ignore or don't pay attention to details let alone anything else, than there are that do. When you have the character I do, you get taken for granted a LOT! 

I don't dislike who I am, it's actually quite the opposite. I have grown to love the woman I am, flaws and all! All the trials I have faced in my life, they did shape me, but they also made me a better person. I have chosen to rise above them, to learn from them and to push myself to become better. I could have easily taken the other path; becoming bitter, using them as excuses to not do/be better, to become depressed or oppressed, or worthless. I'm NOT! I am smart, because I was once stupid. I am strong because I was once weak. I am stubborn, hardheaded, set in my ways - because I was once run over, used, and treated badly. Meek, weak, frail, can't....THESE ARE NOT IN MY VOCABULARY. I have struggles that would be a bit less if I didn't buck the "system" at every turn, but I refuse to just live on my knees. 

My final thoughts on this line:  I am too much for many. I get that. Even when I am too much, I am worth it for the right people. The rest are not my people, they are just lessons to learn from. I am perfectly me, good, bad or ugly. I am happy to be unique, not like everyone else. Sadly, I wish I had learned this 40 years ago. Life, phases of life, people, and situations cause us to face reactions or responses to actions...and as we get older, we learn that when patterns repeat, you have to remove that toxicity from your life or you will be dragging an anchor behind you and you will end up going down with it. 

As I move on to more mental clean out, I know many will tune out or leave this blog. It's ok. I am only one person, I can't save everyone or even help everyone. I honestly don't want to. I want to give thoughts, experience and ideas to others that fall into the same "too much" category that I do. The world is experiencing what some are calling a spiritual battle of epic proportions. I feel this in my own gut to be true. The world is on fire. We are dealing with weak leadership, war mongering politicians in every country of the world, our fiscal irresponsibility have created an unrepayable debt, our children/grand children are being strapped with that debt, too many people are distracted by things that shouldn't matter yet are intentionally ignoring the things that should, consumerism has replaced capitalism, family units have been divided for decades but are being further divided by ignorance, greed has taken the place of empathy/responsibility/moral. While I am not religious, the understanding of a God, whatever name you choose to address this, has been replaced with worship of actors, sports figures, and a million other things. One area of trouble for me has been having a twenty something still living at home. So many people have looked down their noses at this. Has everyone forgotten that having multi-generational homes was NORMAL until about 50 years ago?! Why has this become such a taboo thing now? Sure, I get parents wanting to down size or spend time alone. However, in my case, that is neither one an issue. When I became a parent, in my mind, that is a lifetime job. That means I will always do, say and push for what I believe to be best for my kids. I don't care if they are 5, 35 or 75!! With the state of our country, the economic uncertainty, and even the multiple wars happening currently - it makes ZERO sense to push my kids to buy, let alone rent a house. ZERO sense to rack up unnecessary debt. Sure, we can all give advice that seems to fit the situation, BUT we do not always KNOW the entire situation...and encouraging debt at today's interest rates on everything is irresponsible and could potentially be detrimental to people and relationships. Realistically, relationships are in such turmoil in today's world...they do not need any more flames. Realistically, we should ALL be learning to be more fiscally responsible. What happens if you lose your job, lose your pension or retirement; do you have the cash money to support yourself until you can get another income? When 70% of this country depends on their job, pension, retirement, social security or disability....that also means the large majority of this country would be SUNK if they lost it!! American's especially, have become not only weak but debt driven. When it takes 20% down, 8-10% interest for good credit; to purchase a home 60% inflated above the average American income - NOW, is NOT the time to be spending stupidly. 

Most of you know my push to stock your pantry. This makes sense to me. We all have to eat...but what if you lost your income? How long could you make it on just what you have in your home currently? Could you survive a day, month, 3 months, a year? What will you do when you have to choose whether you eat, pay a utility, vehicle payment, or rent/mortgage to keep a roof over your head, have large vehicle repair bill, major home repair bill, a medical emergency? I do not understand those that keep pushing back against being stocked up for food, water and essentials. Common sense says that this is one area we CAN control, and we need to be. Yet, there are some that think food just grows on the grocery shelves, that they could never lose their income, or having a stock pile is for "weird people." That was a new one for me yesterday. The question, "are you one of those weird people? those dooms day prepper people?" LMAO!!! Nope, I don't have a tank in my barn, or an underground bunker with an old ham radio, or a complete arsenal. I believe in being responsible, doing everything within my power to never need anything from anyone, and to make certain my family would have what they needed in the event of an emergency - whether that is weather or man-made. I believe that God has won this spiritual battle, but it is my job to honor him, by doing all I can to help myself and anyone else that will listen. I do not believe we are expected to just sit back and depend on government or anyone else, or just "have faith," the thing is...I have full faith in God, not in mankind. There is a reason I was pulled to this life, that I never really understood until the last few years. That's a story for another time though. I grew up mostly in a town/subdivision. So leaving everything I had ever known behind for something so foreign to me...I'm sure seemed seriously crazy to my family. After an overnight trip here previously, I knew in my heart I was meant to be here. For what reason, would take years to make sense. Now, I can say that being here has pushed me to learn so much more than I could have ever learned, had I not moved here. 

I did not grow up learning how to prepare, preserve or even really protect. My Dad gardened for as long as I can remember but we never canned or froze anything...that I can recall. We didn't have a root cellar, or a basement with shelving for jars or potatoes. Many times there was barely enough food to get through a week. I was never around firearms or learned how to safely use them. I never learned self-defense until I was a young adult. I didn't learn how to cook or bake. Shoot, I remember eating a chopped beef sandwich with a single slice of the "meat," because that was all that was available to feed four kids. While I do have some good memories of my childhood in our neighborhood, and had some good friends there...I grew up with just enough. I was Gen X, that meant spending most of our time outside of school - OUTSIDE! We didn't have parents up our butts at every corner, even though at that time, all the parents actually watched out for everyone's kids. We truly did drink from garden hoses, usually the ends were covered with dirt and you'd get a mouthful if you forgot to wipe it off. We'd ride bikes, play, run around the entire neighborhood in groups. We had bullies, but they were handled with fights and if it got too bad, the parents stepped in - including the bullies parents to tan their backsides! I actually grew up without a cell phone, the internet, or even technology until I was basically in high school. At that time, there were repercussions for your actions - both good AND bad. Talking back to your parents, telling them "no," or to "shut up," meant a bar of soap or missing teeth. It wasn't abuse, it was discipline, so you didn't grow up to be an asshole. There was abuse, but I was not personally effected by that. We weren't allowed to be involved in everything under the sun. You picked one thing, and you stuck by it until it was over, period. You did not get everything you wanted. You got gifts for your birthday and Christmas - most of which was items you needed and a few that you wanted. You appreciated everything!! We never did the name-brand thing. You got what was affordable, or what was handed down. I know I always loved when my older cousin handed down her clothes. It was like a Christmas to me. Kids today, would not survive my childhood...my own included. 

I learned preparation by some of the most amazing women! My husband's grandmothers and mother were my guides. That was all he ever knew. They all grew big gardens, which were all divided amongst each family involved. He has told stories of one grandfather growing all the potatoes to feed, I believe, 5 families. They grew corn, and would all get together when the corn was ready to shuck, silk and work up that corn. It was then divided among the families. The same went with beans. Everyone worked together, like a well oiled machine, to preserve and divide them out to the families. Not only did it take the entire group to do this, but everyone working together to make sure all their families were fed until the next harvest. I was lucky enough to get to see a lot of this first hand, for many years. I learned to garden watching my Dad, but I learned to grow big gardens and preserve them from my husband's family. One grandmother, days after we got married, told me if I was going to be his wife...I better learn how to manage the family, keep up what he was "used to" and leave the "city girl" behind. Initially, I was a bit irritated by this. However, I learned quickly that my own short comings were vast and I have never stepped down from proving I can do anything I really want to do. So, my big journey began. That was nearly 25 years ago. I have since learned how to manage my family(although, that is a constant struggle), I learned how to read the garden soil, what additives to make a garden more productive, how to preserve anything and everything possible(not just vegetables, but meat, fish and so much more). I now know how to defend myself AND my family. I have my own firearms, and am proficient with them and many others. I can shoot a bow. I can prepare my household for a year plus, in most necessities. I took every excuse, and every "can't" that was in vocabulary and DID! I got out of my own way! I have learned everything from livestock to poultry, farm equipment to lawn equipment, hay ground to pasture ground, and learned to live on a single income(which I can tell you is one of the biggest challenges). 

While some may not realize it, but I walk the walk. I bust my ass for anything and everything I am involved in. My loyalty is firmly in place until I am given a reason to remove it. I give a lot of chances to others to do the right thing, but even I have a breaking point. Once my trust is broken, it won't ever be the same. I am flawed, and I will never seriously say otherwise. However, I become a better person each and every day. It took me time to get out of my own way, and to understand that there was so much I didn't know. I had to take a giant leap out of my comfort zone. The one thing one of my husband's grandmother told that applies to, not only gardening but life itself - "when you garden, you are taking a leap of faith. You patiently plant that garden, nurture it, pray that mother nature helps give it what it needs, and once all the hard work is put in - you reap the harvest. Then however, more work is in store to preserve that harvest to care for your family through the off season. A garden should be a labor of love." The life lessons through gardening, for me, have brought to me a place in life that I still get excited for and dread...every year. The patience, the work, the upkeep, the harvest, and preservation bring me a sense of pride, value, and a return to time when people understood what mattered most in life. I have felt like I returned to my own roots, and hope that my own grandparents and distant grandparents are smiling down on me. Even though my own children are in a struggle with modern life; the antique beliefs I have pushed for our family, brings many battles. One day, I pray they will appreciate, and strive to hold on to their roots and teach their own children. 

This week has been a very difficult one for me. I have battled with sadness, anger, anxiety, and a whole host of other emotions. As much as I love my life and my little farm, sometimes it does get lonely when you don't have a tribe that you share a common goal. I learned many years ago to cope. Sometimes, I just have to express what I'm dealing with. Life is difficult for most people right now, no matter what your situation is. All the nonsense in the world has all of us bouncing our heads like we are watching a tennis match...from one issue to another to another. I try to stay upbeat, positive and turn everything I can't control over to God...but I am only human, and will never be perfect. One thing I can promise, I will always be me; smart mouthed, sarcastic, opinionated, hard headed, strong willed, well researched, and constantly striving to do and be better than I was yesterday!!!

Coffee, farm, season changes

 

Seasonal winds have shifted around here. Let's visit.

Living as we do, we pay attention to the changes in weather, seasons, plants, and wildlife. Many times, those things are much more accurate than any meteorologist. The weather shifts are visible in not only the wildlife behaviors, but also in livestock/chickens/dogs/etc. Have you noticed the change in your pets when it's going to rain/storm? If you pay attention, you will see it. Animals get a little "squirrely," they don't behave as well, are racing around like their backends are on fire, or simply just don't listen. Wildlife and livestock, are the same way. Their behavior differences can alert you to an upcoming weather change. Typically the worse the behavior, the worse the weather difference, at least in my experience. The time of year, also indicates the weather pattern disruptions too. This could be rains, storms, snow, ice, cold, etc. 

Even though we have stayed warmer longer than normal, even the gardens have a built in radar. While I still had plants growing, some still producing, many of them had been dying off for several weeks. Our growing season here is typically the end of May until the end of September. We've had years when there is still snow on the ground in May, and years - like this one, when there is still some growing degree days in October. However, usually by the of September...you need to be finished with the gardens, as they do not produce much, if anything beyond that. This year we have had extreme droughts, and later than usual increased temps. My gardens have been officially put to rest for the winter. We spent our weekend on winterization projects. Thankfully, we had the help of our oldest son and my youngest brother, and that allowed us to get a lot more done. It's always sad to me when it's time to get the gardens ready for winter, and when the mowing is officially done for the year. 

Another area that seems like it would be the stuff of old wives tales, but it's not, is the persimmon seed predictions and the weeds going to seed. I will be perfectly honest here, almost all the weeds going to seed - this is my husbands thing. I do not know all the weed names, or the folk lore that goes with them. I just know that certain ones will not go seed until just before our first frost. As for the persimmons, this is fascinating to me. There are seeds in this fruit that have one of three "images" in them. A spoon, knife or fork. Each of them is supposedly a prediction of the coming winter. To this point, everyone that has shared them this year has gotten spoons. This typically means lots of moisture, which indicates warmer than average temps to allow snow fall. I honestly can't remember the meaning of the fork or knife as I write this. While some moisture in the ground would be welcomed, I am hopeful to not have a harsh winter. Over the next week or two, we will be watching the wildlife a little closer. The squirrels, the deer, fox, and even rabbits are telling, if you pay attention. 

As for right here...we did get our main garden put to rest for the winter. We got it cleaned out of any remaining produce, pulled/cut the remaining plants and weeds, and my husband even got it plowed up this year. We did some rearranging of my chicken pen earlier in the fall so the old area where no grass had grown this summer is also now plowed, and will become another garden next year. I am actually thrilled at having another garden area! My husband, son and brother were able to get a portable building put together to house square bales of hay and straw. This opened up our barn to allow for more lambing pens for the sheep this year. They also got the carburetor fixed on the wood splitter, my brothers garden plowed up, my son's hay hauled for his cows, my brother helped me finish cleaning out the floor of my chicken coop.  It was a very productive weekend on our farm. 

I personally have had some revelations. I have spent a lot of years jumping for everyone and everything. I've always tried to make life a little easier for those I care about. I don't do this for any reward, or even recognition. I do it because, in my eyes, this is what you do for your loved ones. Sadly, you put yourself in a position that it just becomes expected and others raise the bar to expect more and more. Last winter, I spent the entire winter seriously sick! It sucked!! Most didn't even acknowledge it, I was still expected to jump when anyone needed me, and the amount of help I personally got was almost zero. It's ok. I have honestly come to expect that. It just really hurt me for that realization to slap me, as it did. It took almost every ounce of energy I had last year just to get out of bed, make minimal amounts of meals, keep just basic cleaning up, and make sure laundry was done. Beyond that was a huge stretch. Anyway, it took this for me to realize a few things. First, my expectations of others, is my own issue. I have always believed that there is good in everyone, that people are inherently empathetic, and it just took someone believing in them for that to come out. You know, I believed I could help everyone become their best by helping them to the point of burning myself out. I was wrong. Second, this is basically the same as the first. I believed that people needed a hand up to better themselves, so I tried to do that; when in reality they were just looking for a hand out. This is not how I think, so it's difficult for me to understand. Third, burning myself out, did not help anyone or anything. All I did was allow my body to get run down, depleted of what it did need, and destroy my own peace of mind. Fourth, I let my own passions go. So much of what I have loved doing....I haven't done in a year or more. I haven't taken time to take any pictures with my good camera for a year or more. I have not built any new furniture for nearly 3 years now. I have lost so much drive toward even baking that it's sickening. This year, I am even struggling to find a hint of interest in anything Christmas related. I am burnt out with the rat race that has become of our lives, the disappointment of trying to help others and just getting burned every time. I am tired of trying to everything to everyone else and losing myself AGAIN in the process. 

I guess I've hit my terrible late 40's. I haven't cared what others thought of me for a LONG time, but now, I just ignore most. I have a lot of pet peeves that I have had for years. I've had to reach a point of "I love you, but it has to be from a distance for my own sanity and peace." People that love you do not manipulate you - verbally, mentally or physically. I don't make apologies for my blunt/no bullshit opinions. Sugar coating or mollycoddling is not how I operate. I have enough drama in my house to add any from outside of it. To be honest...I don't deal with drama well no matter where it comes from...so unless you want to be ticked, it's best I don't know about it. Anyway, I have allowed myself to get away from too much of holistic path the past few years, and I can tell. Not only in my health issues, but also in the arena of mind and spirit. There are a few things that I am doing that I wanted to do for me. Several years ago now, I went back to school to get my certificate in Natural Health Consulting. Although I do not do anything professionally with that, it has allowed me different avenues of holistic health options, having not only myself but my children, with severe allergy issues. I have recently become an ordained minister. I have considered this for many years, but the final push was to be able officiate my brother's wedding. I am also currently studying Reiki. I am a firm believer that God has given us what we need in every sense, but we have become too "busy" to pay attention. We have been told by modern medicine not to listen to our own bodies, and instead take some pills to fix problems. I believe this has continued to make society in worse health. Wellness does not come from synthetic, factory produced pills. Pharmaceuticals lose money if someone is "cured," so why would they do that? If you believe they are all trying to find "cures," I am probably not the person to follow. 

Most times anymore, you could tell me that 1 plus 1 would equal 5, and I will say "whatever works for you," and move on! I am not dealing with nonsense anymore. I get people are too "busy" and too broke to pay attention most of the time. However, when people have taken the time to research, they have taken the time to learn...do not discount what they are saying just because you have not. Too many people today are too hypocritical. One that sends my blood boiling, "follow the science." Ok, let's follow the science, but they only want you to follow the science they want to believe...not the science that goes against whatever stupid thoughts they have. A great example, follow the science with the illness but NOT the science that says there are only 2 genders. I think we really need to be following the money on all of it...who is making billions off all the bullshit we are being fed?! Anyway, I am not going any deeper in that rabbit hole today. I follow facts, the ones I have researched and know. Many times, I have learned how wrong my thinking was. That is called education. To learn what you don't know, you don't know. 

Finally today, I have had to push past a lot of my thoughts as I read through social media. People have become weak, needy, insecure and frankly...a bunch of whiners. Myself included! We are allowed to have opinions, for the most part, but sure seems like the age of technology has brought about the age of insecurities. No one can do anything without technology anymore. Yet, spouses get all up in arms over who their spouse is talking to online or on the cell phones. God forbid you have a friend of a different sex. I can tell you, no one is going to tell me who I can or can not talk to. Nor am I opening up my phone for "inspection." I wouldn't be that disrespectful to husband, and I will not be disrespected that way either. If you don't trust your partner, you don't have a relationship worth being in. Period! Putting on a show of how great life is online, while your real life is in shambles is pathetic. So many have to be continuously "reminded" online of their "love," and that just makes me shake my head! I swear, if I roll my eyes any harder, I will be able to see my own brain! Where the hell did the confident, independent, secure, decent and productive people go?!