The ending of my 2013 book....

GOOD BYE 2013!!!!

We are rapidly coming to the end of 2013. While the year started out pretty good, it rapidly changed and has thrown off my inner balance. I believe an inner balance is necessary to keep an inner peace and manage stress. When my inner balance is thrown off, so is my inner peace and my ability to deal with stress becomes minimal at best! It causes much distress and causes my inner peace to just disappear.

I have tried to deal with so much stress since March, but I have just been unable to deal with too much this year. I have to say, this has been a year of finding many weaknesses, finding that people aren't who they seem to be, that even though life is good...there are many situations that are bad, and spending too much time with negative people will draw you down to their level. Not to mention, the fleetingness of life itself, and friendships that were based off lies, deceit, and convenience. I have found that people in general do not take friendship and loyalty serious anymore.

In the same sense, I have seen so many beautiful sights. Watching my children play everyday, watching their eyes light up when they learn something new, seeing their personalities develop and just to watch them grow and change every single day; is such a blessing. I have been given an extraordinary opportunity to be with my kids every day. I wouldn't know what to do without them. Even though I have decided that they benefit just as much as I do, from an occasional break from each other. I have always believed that a good mom is 100% devoted to her kids. Before I get hate mail, I still believe that the roll of a Mom is to be there for her kids, I do understand that different people have different beliefs about what being there for her kids means. For me; I work from home, I home school my kids, we have a business at home, plus we have a small homestead/farm. This means I am home basically 24/7. I am also with my kids basically 24/7. While I hear a lot of people saying they couldn't do this, I can tell you, you do what you must. This is what, mostly, works for us.

I have some friends that get upset with me for not making time to do things with them. While it does upset me that I can't get together with some of them more, I have responsibilities here that have to take precedence. For us to get away as a family, is about impossible. It takes a lot of planning, arranging for some one to do the daily chores, and take of the business stuff here. It's a lot planning, even for an over night trip. I have gotten to where I hate driving and have even considered giving up my license. So, for me to drive anywhere, is a stretch. Not to mention, when I do go somewhere, I ALWAYS have the kids with me. I have gone out with local friends a total of 2 times in 10 years...without kids or my husband. My husband and I get out together, without kids, usually about 3-4 times a year. Otherwise, we are home. A lot of people don't understand this, and I have even been told that I have become dependent instead of independent. To some degree this is right, but I take my responsibilities VERY seriously.

I have struggled with my own weaknesses this year. I have been a strong, independent, and goal oriented person the better part of life. So, when I am shown so many things that I am unable to do for any number of reasons, it throws off my equilibrium. It throws off my entire mindset when there are too many all at once. There are goals for 2013 that I did not meet...a first in many years for me. I do not handle failure well, and when I don't meet my own goals, that's exactly what I feel like.

I have dealt with more aches, pains and injuries this year than any other year I can think of. As I get older, I find it does take longer to get past injuries than it used to. I've dealt with feet pain for the better part of 20 years, and it's a daily ache but the few injuries this year were actual pain. Falling in the garden and hurting my hip...which still gives me fits on occasion being the biggest. After having back labor with my oldest, my back has hurt daily too. This year it seems to be more so than past years. Not to mention injuring my knee earlier in the year. I have decided I really need to get back to yoga and an exercise program so that maybe my body temple will quit hurting me and getting injured over ridiculous things.

This year, I have found that even though people can be good friends, they aren't best friend material. Friends are loyal, there for you in times of good and bad, they don't leave you stranded, they make time for you - even if it's just a phone call. They don't belittle or degrade you, they stand beside you. They don't talk behind your back but defend you when others do. I am never intentionally rude to anyone! So, in the coming year, I am planning to make some changes to the people I call friends. Those closest to me, that are my true friends, have no worries. The rest should understand that: how you treat me, is how I will be treating you. If you don't like the way I treat you, maybe you should evaluate how you are treating me and others around you.

This year, in my household, we have been busy. While I'm not sure exactly what we did, we were busy being busy. I will not continue to live our lives this way. While there are a few things I can't easily change due to geographic issues, the things I can change will be. We have done a lot to our hayfield in the 2 years we have been here, but it's time to slow it up a little and start enjoying life. We have 2 kids that are growing up rather quickly and I don't want to have regrets that we missed an opportunity to do something with them. The oldest is now a teenager, and those years are rapidly winding down that we will have with him. We have forgotten to make a life while making a living.

For my own personal story, this year has been trying at best. We have lost 3 amazing people, had both my mother-in-law and father-in-law down with health issues and surgery, had my step-father-in-law injured and having surgery, my own injuries, connecting with people only to be used and taken for granted, a constant emotional battle of being pulled with my family here and my extended family 400 miles away, having to give up multiple job offers that could have been beneficial to us, trying to find balance between my family, friends, and my own interests, trying to teach my children to live an intended life when I can't lead by example, struggling through emotions I don't understand, and attempting to keep life moving forward through it all. I just turned 39 2 days ago. Age is just a number to me. I don't allow myself to use excuses for much of anything. However, I have found myself doing just that the last few months. Not to mention, the old adage of "fake it till you make it." I have put a smile on, done what is expected and muddled through the holidays this year. This is not natural for me. Winter is usually my favorite time. It's a time of rest for Mother Nature, that allows nature to reawaken, renewed come Spring. I have found my my mental energy so awake and restless over the past 2 months...it's unnerving! I have wrote down my goals for 2014, I will achieve these goals to the best of my ability, but one of the biggest goals for 2014 is "not to beat myself up so badly when I do not reach the goals I've set." This has been a really BIG issue for me the last 3 months. So, I'm not going to beat myself up, degrade myself, belittle myself or allow anyone else to do so either. I do not EVER ask for much, so when I do...I feel it is deserved or needed. I am very traditional or as some say...vintage. I prefer older stuff. I love garage/yard sales. I love to find old stuff and make it new again. I am the type of person who would love to take old barns/houses that have fallen or been torn down, and reuse the materials to build a new house or barn. I love the old, weathered materials and the items that are tried and true. We redid my kitchen in September, and we found an old sink in a house that was falling down. The sink is a 1958 model. It's a double sink with the white porcelain cover. On the white are several black spots(the steel underneath showing through.) and to me that is the most beautiful sink I have ever seen! It has the double sinks and double washboards. I love it! I have found old furniture at yard sales for less than $10 and taken them home to redo them. I have old clothes that have holes or stains, sitting in bags to use for blankets, quilts, or pillows. I have taken old jewelry that is broken and made a new piece. That is what I love, and the last year...I haven't made time for any of it. I busy myself with constant housework(which is pointless with kids!), and juggling one crisis after another. I can not allow this to continue. Even my gardens this year were let go. When we finally emptied the gardens, there were weeds as tall as me. This is not customary for me. My gardens are typically my pride and joy. Even though the gardens did great this year, they looked horrible! I didn't get everything planted that I had planned to, I didn't get my landscaping finished, I didn't get my courtyard done, and my truck looks like I took it mudding(inside and out!) Finances this year were atrocious! I was unable to juggle everything as I have in the past let alone keep up! I have never been so unorganized or felt so scattered as I have the past 6 months. I refuse to continue on this path. I do not like the person I have been the last 6 months. I have had no patience with anyone or anything, I have been afraid of myself and my thoughts. It's time to get back to the person I like and want to be.

As I close my 2013 book, I am determined to get back to solid ground in 2014. I hope you all have set goals for 2014, not resolutions, but actual real goals!

~Sal

My "busy" life....

It's kind of strange when you are trying to pinpoint an exact issue, only to find that there isn't just a single issue but instead, a multitude of issues that have been lumped into one. This is something that has been weighing on my mind for a few months. It has felt like issue, after issue has taken hold of my emotions and my personal peace of mind. I have tried to push them to the back of my mind, and put on that fake smile to get through the holidays. Then, I tell myself, I will face the issues and resolve them after the first of the year. I will tell you....I need to resolve them now.

I read an article this morning that my cousin had shared on Facebook. It's one of those reads, that make you look around your house to make sure there aren't any "hidden" cameras. It was like reading a play book, for the way my days play out. I have become the very person, I promised myself as a child, I would never become. I have neglected to be the Mom I wanted to be, but also the wife I wanted to be. I have allowed my own negative self-perception to spill over to how I treat my children. I allowed the views of others to influence how I treat my kids, since there is such a large age difference. I have allowed outside opinions of the "correct" way to raise a child or the fact that my children are older than most for some of the things they do, to actually change the way I want to raise my kids.

I have always believed that children thrive when given room to grow. I don't believe in hovering over my children so much, that they never have a chance to experience things. It doesn't matter that there will be times they will get scrapes and scratches...we all have, and we are much wiser in our choices in the future. There will be times they will get their heart broke, whether it be due to a bad choice in friendships or a relationship that ends. That is part of life that happens, and we grow from. There are so many other experiences I believe children should experience...but forcing them to follow the models of what everyone else is doing...is NOT one of them. I don't want my children to blindly follow what everyone else is doing. I want them to know how to think for themselves...not just to be told what to think. I want them to understand that when they make a decision, that decision has a result. That result may be positive, but there may also be consequences to poor decisions. I want them to own up to their mistakes but also to find a common sense approach to fix those mistakes and not have to keep making them. I want my children to grow up with a solid foundation of not only life, but living too. I want them to know how important it is to keep material items to a minimum, keep their debts down too, and be able to make a living but also to know the importance of making a life too.

When my oldest was a toddler, I can remember taking so much time to play with him. We'd be outside Spring-Fall playing basketball, soccer, or drawing on the sidewalks with chalk. I spent so much time playing when he was younger. Since my youngest was born, it's been a constant flurry of always being busy. There's always a million reasons why I don't have the time to play with her. I am always trying to get our house clean(and keep it clean), always trying to keep in touch with friends and relatives through the computer. There's always a phone ringing - cell or house. There's always a mess in our house...and I am always embarrassed to have anyone just drop in because of it...and I am always apologizing for it too. My daughter still has her bottle when she goes to sleep at night and still wears pull ups at night too. Now, before I get any crappy emails....Do not judge me until your closet if free of skeletons! I pushed my oldest to get rid of the bottle, diapers, and that baby stage very early. While he did fine, the youngest does not. The more you push her the more she pushes back....and the worse it gets around here. I love that BOTH my kids still believe in the Christmas magic. Both my kids still love to curl up on my lap and cuddle...mind you the oldest is 13, and weighs more than I do...but even when he's joking around he'll climb up there and laugh that he still fits. I love knowing my children aren't afraid to voice their independent thoughts even when it goes against what others believe. While there are times, I wish they were a little more tactful about it, they just have never been taught to bite their tongue.

My children are not a problem. They are the best gift, the best choices, and the best of my husband and I. Me, on the other hand, I am a problem. I am so hard on my self, have become a very self-doubting person, and honestly quite negative over the past year that I have neglectfully projected this onto my children. I am constantly on their cases about the way they talk, act, the things they are doing, the messes they make, their refusal to help me around the house, their ideas, and the very independence I have taught them to have. I have become so unhappy with myself, that I reflect that unhappiness on them. It's by no means their faults, and my life would have zero meaning without them.

I have always been taught that failure is not an option, and your outside appearance in the most important. While some of this came from my younger years, some of it has come from my own desire to better than others. Now, this isn't meant the way it comes across...I just saw my parents struggle when I was younger, I have watch them struggle with my step-parents, I have seen other family and friends struggle too. Whether it's financial struggles, relationship struggles, or even their own self-worth struggles...I always wanted to be better than that. I want my family to fit the "perfect image" of a family. I grew up with all the statistics of the perfect family....you know, 2 kids, 2 pets, and 2 vehicles. I am analytical by nature by some times, you have to ignore all the "perfects." There have been several "failures," in my life. I say "failures," because although they weren't the outcomes I had planned for, there were many lessons learned...so they were more of unplanned successes than failures. There were people, situations, and even events that didn't end as I had hoped; they ended the way they needed to for me to learn from them.

Even now, as I write this, I am learning from my own "failures", the very failures that have caused me so much grief over the last few months. This writing has helped me to open my eyes, and I believe it will help me to once again, better myself. Friendships that have become too negative and quite toxic, the poor image I keep of myself, the negative and hurtful way I speak to my children sometimes...it's time to move on and eliminate them. It's time to let me shine again. It's time to change my own outlook, my own negativity, and open my eyes to the many blessings I have right in front of me.

Changes are never easy, but then again, nothing worth having ever lacks hard work, dedication, and the desire itself to change. So, as we approach the last 2 weeks of the year, I am finding the desire to make changes is very strong. The changes are going to happen, probably in stages. The first of the changes is my projection of what and who my children should be, the image of what makes a perfect home, my own mental image has to begin changing as well. Not to mention some physical changes that will begin...namely exercise and to quit smoking once and for all. So, as I end the year, I will be working toward some new goals. I will also start my new 2014 chapters with more changes.

I refuse to allow any more time to be wasted being to busy to enjoy life. Life is such a fleeting thing anyway, that it's just not acceptable, to just get by and not enjoy every minute of it. I may not be able to change the world, but I can change MY world. I WILL change MY world.

So, here's to a new state of mind, and some elbow grease!
Salli

Determind or stubborn...either way, it gets things done.

Determined by definition:
de·ter·mined
adjective \-ˈtər-mənd\

: having a strong feeling that you are going to do something and that you will not allow anyone or anything to stop you

: not weak or uncertain : having or showing determination to do something

Stubborn by definition:
stub·born
adjective \ˈstə-bərn\

: refusing to change your ideas or to stop doing something

: difficult to deal with, remove, etc.

I had a plethora of issues on my mind just a week ago. I had no idea how to handle so many, let alone how to devise a solution to any one single issue...let alone all of them. I took my own advice and decided to manage my stress. We all know that eliminating stress is nearly impossible. I took 2 hours, this past Sunday, and put myself out in nature. I spent time listening to the sounds around me, talking to "myself", taking pictures, and just breathing. Taking time to clear my head, was just what I needed to begin again. Clearing thoughts that are negative, getting a clear view of just what issues you are facing, taking deep and cleansing breaths, and looking to find even a miniscule of beauty not only within but in your surroundings; that is managing stress to me.

To put things into perspective, my stresses are probably not that different from what everyone else deals with. The biggest difference for me, is that I try to always stay positive. I don't like to focus on negative thoughts, and can usually banish those negative thoughts fairly quickly. The last few months, I haven't been able to. Issues have piled up because I neglected to tackle them as they arose, and because of my own neglect...the issues piled up and caused me more stress than I have dealt with for a long time. In turn, that also affected my health, my attitude and my ability to deal with anything else!

Since my childhood, I have always been one that was referred to as independent, stubborn and determined. I have not depended on anyone for much of anything for many years! While this is good in the sense that I can accomplish a lot, it's bad in the sense that I get overwhelmed when I am not accomplishing what I feel I need to. I put a lot of pressure on myself to always succeed, that when I don't it plays havoc on my mind.

I see so many that blame their issues on other people, that I never want to be that way. Yes, others may start the issue, but it is up to us to resolve it. When you can't get past it's because you are unwilling to try. I try not to put myself in that position, but I am only human, and it happens. A few examples: the economy is bad that's why we are broke....um, no. We are broke because we neglected to reducing our spending habits when the world around us was spending money senselessly and we need to learn to budget better. The sicknesses keep taking a hold of us, so we need to run to the doctor again. Again, no! We are sick because it's easier to run to a doctor that to take care of the only body we will ever have. We feed it food like products, put alcohol and tobacco in it that are full of chemicals, and it's so easy to run to a grocery store than to plan for a garden. Job losses are so high and there just aren't any jobs available. Huge NO! There are jobs, you just have to be willing to start at the bottom, work your ass off, and learn to budget. Jobs aren't paying what they used to, the "good" jobs have left, and it's time for you to face that and move on! Yep, you may have to take a job or two at minimum wage, you may have to learn to eat left overs to save some money on groceries, you may have to cut your cable to just basic, you may have to quit eating out, you may have to cut yours trips to just a single trip each week....it's called being responsible, budgeting, and taking responsibility for your own life. Here's an example that just came to a conversation I had this morning. A gentleman was explaining how his health is bad, he is broke, he has used up his unemployment, and can't afford to just work for minimum wage. He has a wife and two kids. Now, before I go on any further, I don't need hate mail....these are my opinions and it works for us! For me, the solution is in the scenario. The wife is working making just over minimum wage...I believe it was $9 an hour. He is currently not working and only has 3 weeks of unemployment left. He's worried about how they will pay their bills when his unemployment runs out. He's what I was told... They eat out 4-5 times a week, they have cable with all the movie channels, they have about $1200 a month they spend on rent, they always have 2-3 televisions going...all the time, they buy all their groceries at the store-as they need them, and are dealing with multiple health issues. While I understand this can be stressful to try to figure out, it has an easy solution if you are willing to take responsibility and do what is necessary. My solution to this issue: First of all, STOP EATING OUT! The average person spends $5 per person per meal to eat out. That would be a savings of $80-100 per week. That's huge! Shut off the stupid noise boxes! All they do is use energy, and cause us to judge ourselves and others. While saving some money once you've had years of excessive spending is difficult...I know! However, you are either willing to make changes to better your life or you're willing to continue the reckless life you are living. His wife works the night shift - 11 at night until 7 in the morning. The kids are on the bus by 7:30 and then she sleeps until they get home. There is absolutely no reason he couldn't take a job working the day shift or even afternoons. Her schedule is set, Monday thru Friday. In this scenario, the cable bill can be knocked down to just basic cable saving roughly $100 per month. So, already there is a savings of $420-$500 just cutting out eating out, and the cable bill. Since he is home all day, he runs to the coffee shop every time he goes to town for something, and has made multiple trips to town in a days time for groceries he forget. So, knowing this, this amounts to another $4 for coffee, $4 at least for gas, $30-50 extra for groceries...this is DAILY! So, on the low side this is costing $80 extra per week. That's $320 per month! So, in this scenario they could save $740-820 monthly in just a handful of cuts.

This scenario brings me to my own issues. While I believe that everyone is dealing with some kind of financial issue, I truly believe that there are solutions to every issue. It just means we have to really look, pay attention and be willing to make tough choices, to solve them. We are no different. While we have made many sacrifices, so that we can live on one income...we have also gotten trapped into the scenario of not being able to get by without modern technology. We did try many things, not only early on, but also within the last couple of years. Some things have worked great, while others have failed miserably! We had a satellite company when we moved to our farm, shortly after we decided to try another one that was supposedly cheaper. Not the case! Now, we are still in a contract for a few more months and paying as much as when we had the other company. However, once the contract is up...we won't have either company! We decided we'd try to raise some cows, for meat and to make a little profit. Another miserable fail that we are still paying on. We still have 3 cows, but 2 are being raised for our family to have meat in the freezer. We bought a used manufactored home, with plans to remodel a room every chance we got(I figured we could do it all within 2 years, HA!). We have managed to remodel only my kitchen. We found multiple issues when we remodeled it that has me terrified to start on another room. What we were told was a 3 year old roof when we bought it 2 years ago, is junk. We have to plan for a new roof next year. The siding is rotting off the outside too. So, that's another project for next year. Our bathroom and closet are about 15 degrees colder than the rest of the house. It's pretty chilly in there this time of the year! So, that is a Winter project that has to get done soon! My in-laws have been dealing with health issues galore lately. One mother-in-law has had health issues that have been severe for 2 1/2 years, a father-in-law that has has back issues for years and had surgery this fall, the other father-in-law taking my son hunting only to climb a tree stand ladder and have it break as he reached the top and fall 15 feet to the ground - breaking 3 ribs, and his arm. Then knowing my own family having health issues that I can never be able to be there for, 2 people that are like another set of parents that have dealt with so much loss over the past 2 years and I couldn't be there for them for any of it. One of my best friends graduating college, after working so hard at her job, and raising a child...again, something I couldn't be there for. Making a trip back home for my class reunion, and having a wound opened up wide again, because I haven't yet dealt with the grief from that. Seeing the people associated with that, and trying not to bawl my eyes out. Trying to juggle our finances to allow for Christmas and taxes this year, after several failed projects that we are having to pay for now. All of this while still trying to keep everyday life going as best as possible, trying to throw in my husbands new business, trying to find a solution for all the other issues I won't discuss and still keep the holiday spirit alive for my kids.

It's overwhelming many times, but I am a strong-willed person and I will get things done. After my nature walk, so much was clearer to me. Just as the photo above...life changes, and even if you are at a stand still you need to make it work for you. That photo, was of leaves that had turned brown, fallen off their life giving source to the ground, being in water that had froze over into a beautiful design and trapped the leaf. That leaf, even though it has died off the tree is still useful and productive! That leaf will break down with the help of Mother Nature, that froze water, and by Spring will become a nutrient that supplies the soils with needed vitamins and minerals to help it become productive once again. So, this has become my mantra, so-to-speak. Even though I am facing a standstill in my personal balance of life, I must still be productive, useful and with careful planning, I will thrive again.

So, for each of you whom are also at a standstill, look for the balance even standing still. It's there...you just have to be willing to look for it. While my balance isn't 100% restored, it is renewed. So, until I can find full balance again, I will still be productive. I have dove into getting my house cleaned and organized(which has been a headache since we moved in!), I will force a smile through the tears, I will look at the holiday season through my kids eyes to see the magic once again, I will stubbornly face whatever issue is thrown at me next with determination and resilience to thrive even in adversity. I will not feel guilty when I can not be, do, or fix every other persons issues. I will learn that no matter how imperfect I am, I am perfectly me and I can only be as good as I am willing to allow myself to be.

I refuse to stray from my own independence, determination, and stubbornness. I am strong-willed enough to pull myself up from the worst depressions, and the most trying times. This time is no different. I will work through each individual issue and find a resolution too. As I do, I will throw myself into little projects that need finished, big projects that need to be started, my favorite holiday of the year, and do only what I am capable of doing.

Salli

My struggling holiday "spirit."

I'm struggling this holiday season. It's my favorite time of the year, but this year I can't seem to find my "spirit." There has been so much going on the past month or two that has thrown my balance way off. It's not really been any one thing, but an over abundance of little things. While I usually try to keep most things to myself, I am really needing to get this off my chest...so to speak. I feel like I am feeling sorry for myself, but I still need to get this out, and maybe I can find my balance again.

After a long time of trying to put my finger on what has been causing my holiday spirit to fall off a little more each year, I believe I have finally figured it out. For about 3 years now, I have noticed that while I've still had some holiday spirit, it gets a little less each year, and this year...it's almost nonexistent. I have pushed myself the last few years to be festive, made myself follow the traditions my family started years ago, and smile through an emptiness that I couldn't explain. The past few years, I have managed only a handful of trips back home. Those trips were: an 8th grade graduation party, a wedding, a funeral, and my 20yr class reunion.

You know, there comes a time in life when you realize just how important some people are to you. For me, this has been the last 3 years. While I have known for many years the importance of my family; husband, and kids. The last 3 years, I have realized how important my extended family is. My parents, my siblings, my aunts, uncles, cousins, and even some of my best friends. I have known for many years that there are people in your life that are irreplaceable. It took the past 3 years though to see that even though you may not still have them physically in your life, that they play such a huge part of your life. It took my grandfather dying before I made it a point to spend more than just a day or two with that side of my family. It brought that entire side of the family back together, even if it was only for a short time. It took this for all my siblings to spend time together again. We laughed, cried, and were hole as a family again.There wasn't any family drama...just the 4 of us and most of our spouses reminiscing, laughing and being kids again. It took a 20 year class reunion to make me realize how many friends I have still back home. Many of them are just like family. It was that same reunion that opened a wound I still haven't been able to accept...the loss of one of my best friends, and mentor. One that I miss so much!

There have been many old wounds that have been opened up over the past 3 years. Some are minor and relatively insignificant. While others have broken my heart to be reliving. Mostly, it has opened my eyes that even though I have a life here that I love, I had a life there that I loved as well. I still feel really torn between my home until I was 23, and my home of the last 16 years. It has slowly been pushing me to find a compromise that won't force me to choose between my family and my extended family.

With the life we have here, it's very difficult to find time(let alone extra money) to make regular trips home. On the other hand, if I don't, I don't know that this crazy spirit nabbing feeling will go away. I am really torn and confused as to how to balance the two but I know in my heart that I need to. I need to find peace within again. I need to balance home, family, extended family, friends and life in general. I believe it's time for some serious nature time. I have busied myself with daily chores, and schedules to avoid seeing and facing the emptiness I have felt for some time. I believe it's time to face this head on before it causes any more issues or illness.

I really want to thank everyone who reads this for allowing me a place to write out my thoughts, sending me beautiful messages and even some of the not-so-nice emails that keep me humble. There is so much in my life that has spun out of control, it keeps me walking on eggshells and has caused me to lose that independence that I had such a reputation for. Maybe someday, I can find it again and continue growing into the person I want to be.

Salli