My struggling holiday "spirit."

I'm struggling this holiday season. It's my favorite time of the year, but this year I can't seem to find my "spirit." There has been so much going on the past month or two that has thrown my balance way off. It's not really been any one thing, but an over abundance of little things. While I usually try to keep most things to myself, I am really needing to get this off my chest...so to speak. I feel like I am feeling sorry for myself, but I still need to get this out, and maybe I can find my balance again.

After a long time of trying to put my finger on what has been causing my holiday spirit to fall off a little more each year, I believe I have finally figured it out. For about 3 years now, I have noticed that while I've still had some holiday spirit, it gets a little less each year, and this year...it's almost nonexistent. I have pushed myself the last few years to be festive, made myself follow the traditions my family started years ago, and smile through an emptiness that I couldn't explain. The past few years, I have managed only a handful of trips back home. Those trips were: an 8th grade graduation party, a wedding, a funeral, and my 20yr class reunion.

You know, there comes a time in life when you realize just how important some people are to you. For me, this has been the last 3 years. While I have known for many years the importance of my family; husband, and kids. The last 3 years, I have realized how important my extended family is. My parents, my siblings, my aunts, uncles, cousins, and even some of my best friends. I have known for many years that there are people in your life that are irreplaceable. It took the past 3 years though to see that even though you may not still have them physically in your life, that they play such a huge part of your life. It took my grandfather dying before I made it a point to spend more than just a day or two with that side of my family. It brought that entire side of the family back together, even if it was only for a short time. It took this for all my siblings to spend time together again. We laughed, cried, and were hole as a family again.There wasn't any family drama...just the 4 of us and most of our spouses reminiscing, laughing and being kids again. It took a 20 year class reunion to make me realize how many friends I have still back home. Many of them are just like family. It was that same reunion that opened a wound I still haven't been able to accept...the loss of one of my best friends, and mentor. One that I miss so much!

There have been many old wounds that have been opened up over the past 3 years. Some are minor and relatively insignificant. While others have broken my heart to be reliving. Mostly, it has opened my eyes that even though I have a life here that I love, I had a life there that I loved as well. I still feel really torn between my home until I was 23, and my home of the last 16 years. It has slowly been pushing me to find a compromise that won't force me to choose between my family and my extended family.

With the life we have here, it's very difficult to find time(let alone extra money) to make regular trips home. On the other hand, if I don't, I don't know that this crazy spirit nabbing feeling will go away. I am really torn and confused as to how to balance the two but I know in my heart that I need to. I need to find peace within again. I need to balance home, family, extended family, friends and life in general. I believe it's time for some serious nature time. I have busied myself with daily chores, and schedules to avoid seeing and facing the emptiness I have felt for some time. I believe it's time to face this head on before it causes any more issues or illness.

I really want to thank everyone who reads this for allowing me a place to write out my thoughts, sending me beautiful messages and even some of the not-so-nice emails that keep me humble. There is so much in my life that has spun out of control, it keeps me walking on eggshells and has caused me to lose that independence that I had such a reputation for. Maybe someday, I can find it again and continue growing into the person I want to be.

Salli