My "busy" life....

It's kind of strange when you are trying to pinpoint an exact issue, only to find that there isn't just a single issue but instead, a multitude of issues that have been lumped into one. This is something that has been weighing on my mind for a few months. It has felt like issue, after issue has taken hold of my emotions and my personal peace of mind. I have tried to push them to the back of my mind, and put on that fake smile to get through the holidays. Then, I tell myself, I will face the issues and resolve them after the first of the year. I will tell you....I need to resolve them now.

I read an article this morning that my cousin had shared on Facebook. It's one of those reads, that make you look around your house to make sure there aren't any "hidden" cameras. It was like reading a play book, for the way my days play out. I have become the very person, I promised myself as a child, I would never become. I have neglected to be the Mom I wanted to be, but also the wife I wanted to be. I have allowed my own negative self-perception to spill over to how I treat my children. I allowed the views of others to influence how I treat my kids, since there is such a large age difference. I have allowed outside opinions of the "correct" way to raise a child or the fact that my children are older than most for some of the things they do, to actually change the way I want to raise my kids.

I have always believed that children thrive when given room to grow. I don't believe in hovering over my children so much, that they never have a chance to experience things. It doesn't matter that there will be times they will get scrapes and scratches...we all have, and we are much wiser in our choices in the future. There will be times they will get their heart broke, whether it be due to a bad choice in friendships or a relationship that ends. That is part of life that happens, and we grow from. There are so many other experiences I believe children should experience...but forcing them to follow the models of what everyone else is doing...is NOT one of them. I don't want my children to blindly follow what everyone else is doing. I want them to know how to think for themselves...not just to be told what to think. I want them to understand that when they make a decision, that decision has a result. That result may be positive, but there may also be consequences to poor decisions. I want them to own up to their mistakes but also to find a common sense approach to fix those mistakes and not have to keep making them. I want my children to grow up with a solid foundation of not only life, but living too. I want them to know how important it is to keep material items to a minimum, keep their debts down too, and be able to make a living but also to know the importance of making a life too.

When my oldest was a toddler, I can remember taking so much time to play with him. We'd be outside Spring-Fall playing basketball, soccer, or drawing on the sidewalks with chalk. I spent so much time playing when he was younger. Since my youngest was born, it's been a constant flurry of always being busy. There's always a million reasons why I don't have the time to play with her. I am always trying to get our house clean(and keep it clean), always trying to keep in touch with friends and relatives through the computer. There's always a phone ringing - cell or house. There's always a mess in our house...and I am always embarrassed to have anyone just drop in because of it...and I am always apologizing for it too. My daughter still has her bottle when she goes to sleep at night and still wears pull ups at night too. Now, before I get any crappy emails....Do not judge me until your closet if free of skeletons! I pushed my oldest to get rid of the bottle, diapers, and that baby stage very early. While he did fine, the youngest does not. The more you push her the more she pushes back....and the worse it gets around here. I love that BOTH my kids still believe in the Christmas magic. Both my kids still love to curl up on my lap and cuddle...mind you the oldest is 13, and weighs more than I do...but even when he's joking around he'll climb up there and laugh that he still fits. I love knowing my children aren't afraid to voice their independent thoughts even when it goes against what others believe. While there are times, I wish they were a little more tactful about it, they just have never been taught to bite their tongue.

My children are not a problem. They are the best gift, the best choices, and the best of my husband and I. Me, on the other hand, I am a problem. I am so hard on my self, have become a very self-doubting person, and honestly quite negative over the past year that I have neglectfully projected this onto my children. I am constantly on their cases about the way they talk, act, the things they are doing, the messes they make, their refusal to help me around the house, their ideas, and the very independence I have taught them to have. I have become so unhappy with myself, that I reflect that unhappiness on them. It's by no means their faults, and my life would have zero meaning without them.

I have always been taught that failure is not an option, and your outside appearance in the most important. While some of this came from my younger years, some of it has come from my own desire to better than others. Now, this isn't meant the way it comes across...I just saw my parents struggle when I was younger, I have watch them struggle with my step-parents, I have seen other family and friends struggle too. Whether it's financial struggles, relationship struggles, or even their own self-worth struggles...I always wanted to be better than that. I want my family to fit the "perfect image" of a family. I grew up with all the statistics of the perfect family....you know, 2 kids, 2 pets, and 2 vehicles. I am analytical by nature by some times, you have to ignore all the "perfects." There have been several "failures," in my life. I say "failures," because although they weren't the outcomes I had planned for, there were many lessons learned...so they were more of unplanned successes than failures. There were people, situations, and even events that didn't end as I had hoped; they ended the way they needed to for me to learn from them.

Even now, as I write this, I am learning from my own "failures", the very failures that have caused me so much grief over the last few months. This writing has helped me to open my eyes, and I believe it will help me to once again, better myself. Friendships that have become too negative and quite toxic, the poor image I keep of myself, the negative and hurtful way I speak to my children sometimes...it's time to move on and eliminate them. It's time to let me shine again. It's time to change my own outlook, my own negativity, and open my eyes to the many blessings I have right in front of me.

Changes are never easy, but then again, nothing worth having ever lacks hard work, dedication, and the desire itself to change. So, as we approach the last 2 weeks of the year, I am finding the desire to make changes is very strong. The changes are going to happen, probably in stages. The first of the changes is my projection of what and who my children should be, the image of what makes a perfect home, my own mental image has to begin changing as well. Not to mention some physical changes that will begin...namely exercise and to quit smoking once and for all. So, as I end the year, I will be working toward some new goals. I will also start my new 2014 chapters with more changes.

I refuse to allow any more time to be wasted being to busy to enjoy life. Life is such a fleeting thing anyway, that it's just not acceptable, to just get by and not enjoy every minute of it. I may not be able to change the world, but I can change MY world. I WILL change MY world.

So, here's to a new state of mind, and some elbow grease!
Salli