We are rapidly coming to the end of 2013. While the year started out pretty good, it rapidly changed and has thrown off my inner balance. I believe an inner balance is necessary to keep an inner peace and manage stress. When my inner balance is thrown off, so is my inner peace and my ability to deal with stress becomes minimal at best! It causes much distress and causes my inner peace to just disappear.
I have tried to deal with so much stress since March, but I have just been unable to deal with too much this year. I have to say, this has been a year of finding many weaknesses, finding that people aren't who they seem to be, that even though life is good...there are many situations that are bad, and spending too much time with negative people will draw you down to their level. Not to mention, the fleetingness of life itself, and friendships that were based off lies, deceit, and convenience. I have found that people in general do not take friendship and loyalty serious anymore.
In the same sense, I have seen so many beautiful sights. Watching my children play everyday, watching their eyes light up when they learn something new, seeing their personalities develop and just to watch them grow and change every single day; is such a blessing. I have been given an extraordinary opportunity to be with my kids every day. I wouldn't know what to do without them. Even though I have decided that they benefit just as much as I do, from an occasional break from each other. I have always believed that a good mom is 100% devoted to her kids. Before I get hate mail, I still believe that the roll of a Mom is to be there for her kids, I do understand that different people have different beliefs about what being there for her kids means. For me; I work from home, I home school my kids, we have a business at home, plus we have a small homestead/farm. This means I am home basically 24/7. I am also with my kids basically 24/7. While I hear a lot of people saying they couldn't do this, I can tell you, you do what you must. This is what, mostly, works for us.
I have some friends that get upset with me for not making time to do things with them. While it does upset me that I can't get together with some of them more, I have responsibilities here that have to take precedence. For us to get away as a family, is about impossible. It takes a lot of planning, arranging for some one to do the daily chores, and take of the business stuff here. It's a lot planning, even for an over night trip. I have gotten to where I hate driving and have even considered giving up my license. So, for me to drive anywhere, is a stretch. Not to mention, when I do go somewhere, I ALWAYS have the kids with me. I have gone out with local friends a total of 2 times in 10 years...without kids or my husband. My husband and I get out together, without kids, usually about 3-4 times a year. Otherwise, we are home. A lot of people don't understand this, and I have even been told that I have become dependent instead of independent. To some degree this is right, but I take my responsibilities VERY seriously.
I have struggled with my own weaknesses this year. I have been a strong, independent, and goal oriented person the better part of life. So, when I am shown so many things that I am unable to do for any number of reasons, it throws off my equilibrium. It throws off my entire mindset when there are too many all at once. There are goals for 2013 that I did not meet...a first in many years for me. I do not handle failure well, and when I don't meet my own goals, that's exactly what I feel like.
I have dealt with more aches, pains and injuries this year than any other year I can think of. As I get older, I find it does take longer to get past injuries than it used to. I've dealt with feet pain for the better part of 20 years, and it's a daily ache but the few injuries this year were actual pain. Falling in the garden and hurting my hip...which still gives me fits on occasion being the biggest. After having back labor with my oldest, my back has hurt daily too. This year it seems to be more so than past years. Not to mention injuring my knee earlier in the year. I have decided I really need to get back to yoga and an exercise program so that maybe my body temple will quit hurting me and getting injured over ridiculous things.
This year, I have found that even though people can be good friends, they aren't best friend material. Friends are loyal, there for you in times of good and bad, they don't leave you stranded, they make time for you - even if it's just a phone call. They don't belittle or degrade you, they stand beside you. They don't talk behind your back but defend you when others do. I am never intentionally rude to anyone! So, in the coming year, I am planning to make some changes to the people I call friends. Those closest to me, that are my true friends, have no worries. The rest should understand that: how you treat me, is how I will be treating you. If you don't like the way I treat you, maybe you should evaluate how you are treating me and others around you.
This year, in my household, we have been busy. While I'm not sure exactly what we did, we were busy being busy. I will not continue to live our lives this way. While there are a few things I can't easily change due to geographic issues, the things I can change will be. We have done a lot to our hayfield in the 2 years we have been here, but it's time to slow it up a little and start enjoying life. We have 2 kids that are growing up rather quickly and I don't want to have regrets that we missed an opportunity to do something with them. The oldest is now a teenager, and those years are rapidly winding down that we will have with him. We have forgotten to make a life while making a living.
For my own personal story, this year has been trying at best. We have lost 3 amazing people, had both my mother-in-law and father-in-law down with health issues and surgery, had my step-father-in-law injured and having surgery, my own injuries, connecting with people only to be used and taken for granted, a constant emotional battle of being pulled with my family here and my extended family 400 miles away, having to give up multiple job offers that could have been beneficial to us, trying to find balance between my family, friends, and my own interests, trying to teach my children to live an intended life when I can't lead by example, struggling through emotions I don't understand, and attempting to keep life moving forward through it all. I just turned 39 2 days ago. Age is just a number to me. I don't allow myself to use excuses for much of anything. However, I have found myself doing just that the last few months. Not to mention, the old adage of "fake it till you make it." I have put a smile on, done what is expected and muddled through the holidays this year. This is not natural for me. Winter is usually my favorite time. It's a time of rest for Mother Nature, that allows nature to reawaken, renewed come Spring. I have found my my mental energy so awake and restless over the past 2 months...it's unnerving! I have wrote down my goals for 2014, I will achieve these goals to the best of my ability, but one of the biggest goals for 2014 is "not to beat myself up so badly when I do not reach the goals I've set." This has been a really BIG issue for me the last 3 months. So, I'm not going to beat myself up, degrade myself, belittle myself or allow anyone else to do so either. I do not EVER ask for much, so when I do...I feel it is deserved or needed. I am very traditional or as some say...vintage. I prefer older stuff. I love garage/yard sales. I love to find old stuff and make it new again. I am the type of person who would love to take old barns/houses that have fallen or been torn down, and reuse the materials to build a new house or barn. I love the old, weathered materials and the items that are tried and true. We redid my kitchen in September, and we found an old sink in a house that was falling down. The sink is a 1958 model. It's a double sink with the white porcelain cover. On the white are several black spots(the steel underneath showing through.) and to me that is the most beautiful sink I have ever seen! It has the double sinks and double washboards. I love it! I have found old furniture at yard sales for less than $10 and taken them home to redo them. I have old clothes that have holes or stains, sitting in bags to use for blankets, quilts, or pillows. I have taken old jewelry that is broken and made a new piece. That is what I love, and the last year...I haven't made time for any of it. I busy myself with constant housework(which is pointless with kids!), and juggling one crisis after another. I can not allow this to continue. Even my gardens this year were let go. When we finally emptied the gardens, there were weeds as tall as me. This is not customary for me. My gardens are typically my pride and joy. Even though the gardens did great this year, they looked horrible! I didn't get everything planted that I had planned to, I didn't get my landscaping finished, I didn't get my courtyard done, and my truck looks like I took it mudding(inside and out!) Finances this year were atrocious! I was unable to juggle everything as I have in the past let alone keep up! I have never been so unorganized or felt so scattered as I have the past 6 months. I refuse to continue on this path. I do not like the person I have been the last 6 months. I have had no patience with anyone or anything, I have been afraid of myself and my thoughts. It's time to get back to the person I like and want to be.
As I close my 2013 book, I am determined to get back to solid ground in 2014. I hope you all have set goals for 2014, not resolutions, but actual real goals!
~Sal
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