Coffee Chat - End of September thoughts.

It's amazing to me how the start of Autumn, always brings a sense of wonder, contentment, and renewed spirit to me. There is so much beauty, vivid colors, and the hint of the coming season with each new day. Autumn is the season when Mother Earth, begins the preparations for Winter sleep. The days shorten, the nights become more crisp, the changing colors of trees/crops/flowers, and even people begin to see the beauty around them. Everything in nature follows the routine set forth millions of years ago, and it just knows. It just edges closer to it's normal sleep cycle, even through all the changes. It's amazing, to me, how even with the chaos that humans invoke on the Earth, how our Earth is in constant motion.

This morning, as I enjoy my coffee and the crispness of the air, I decided to put words to my thoughts once again. The emotional and mental chaos I have experienced over the past year have left me really withdrawn from emotional drama that I have dealt with for years. It's been easier to not to say anything, as opposed to speaking my mind and causing an uproar. The biggest lesson I have learned by doing this: all I have done, by not speaking my beliefs, is cause resentment, frustration, and emotional baggage that has been unnecessary! So, today's writing is more for my own state of mind, than for anything or anyone else. So, here's my coffee chat for today.

I have spent the past year trying to figure out, and solve some issues that have controlled my personal well-being for far too long, and they caught up to me and got the better of me! Aside from the hormonal balance that I got readjusted fairly quickly with the help of a great friend, I have been reinventing myself, once again. I have said it, and so many others have also, "I need to find myself." That's just not realistic. We are ever changing creatures. What and who we are, changes and varies fairly regularly. So finding ourselves, is the wrong choice of words. We change or reinvent ourselves, as our circumstances or lives change. We are constant works of art, in the grand scheme of things.

The past month, has really opened my eyes to so many different areas, that have consumed my thoughts. I have always be someone who adapts to changes fairly quick...when I am able to. Some changes took a lot of adapting, some were fairly seamless, and some I wasn't able to conform to. I am a more eccentric type of person, and have always looked at life outside the proverbial box. Until the last few years, I was always looking for a more creative expression of anything I did. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I lost that creativity. I lost the desire to follow my own beliefs and values, and chose to follow beliefs and values that did not align with my own. I accepted that I was expected to be someone, other than who I really was. I pushed myself, out of equations, and just followed what was "expected." I have never been a follower. I have always been one to blaze my own paths, even when it went against anything and anyone around me. I spent my time arguing my point of view, doing what I felt was right, even doing things just to prove a point. As anyone who has known me for a long period of time will tell you, I have always been that person that you do not tell me I can't do something. I would do it, just to prove I could and would. I have always been a person that could handle some pretty hefty weight on my shoulders. Even with that weight, I could move seamlessly, through my not-so-typical life without too many road bumps. I was not one of those kids that tried everything, or was ever in major trouble. Yes, I did typical teenage things. I never did drugs, I was never in trouble with the law, and I did fairly well in school.

After high school, I went through plenty of tough times that caused some stress but I always picked myself up. I didn't depend on anyone or anything. I went through a failed marriage and lost a great friend in the process, I met a great guy that treated me like a queen and I gave that up to find my own path. I got my degree in business, and met my husband. There were a few guys I dated between all that, that were great guys, but they didn't fit with the path of life I wanted. I had big dreams and goals for myself. I had my determination and drive, to be a person I could be proud of. Someone that could be so much more than just another name or number on a list. I enjoyed the life I was living when I first moved to Missouri. I was on my own. No one telling what I could or could not do, no one telling me I was not behaving respectably, and no responsibility for the choices that others were making. I was finally able to be me, only be responsible for myself, no one judging me, no one forcing me to be someone I was not. If I made mistakes, I fixed them. I never had needed anyone else for that.

Then, I took on marriage for a second try. I was thrown into a way of life that I didn't have a clue how to handle. I was not only away from my family and friends, but living a life that was so foreign to me, I didn't even know where to begin. I was accused of many different issues, and learned to shoulder that weight. I was given the precious gift, my son, after just a year of a very rocky marriage. After multiple issues, we divorced and I attempted living close to my family again. That failed miserably. I was not prepared for that earthquake! We got remarried, and began the rocky, roller coaster of marriage again. Why? Well, without too many details, I wanted to be sure I would be the one raising my son. Since then, it's been an up and down trek. After 10 years of marriage, we were surprised with our daughter. In August 2008, I had decided that it was time to put an end to the roller coaster ride, and once we got through our son's birthday, I was going to learn my lesson and take the kick back, and walk away from the 9 years I had spent with my husband. So, the surprise of our daughter changed everything. Even though things have been more or less, better over the past 5 years, there are still a lot of unresolved issues that find their way to the surface every little bit. A great friend once told me, "when you find someone who brings out the best in you, you will know it's meant to be." There are days, that I can feel my soul just bubbling with fulfillment, and there are other days it feels lifeless. The dreams, goals, desires and hopes I have carried for years, are bursting to get out. After spending years now, trying to be the best the mom possible, and do all the "right" things, I am restless to just be me. The desire to show my kids that it's ok to be the person they want to be, is being snuffed by what everyone else believes I should have them doing.

My husband has never told me not to do something, but when you become the butt of ridicule for gossip or drama, it tends to push you into isolation. I have learned to keep quiet instead of voicing my opinion to save some drama. I have handed a lot of things over to my husband to deal with. I deal with my family, and the drama that comes from some of that, but my main job is taking care of our kids. I love the life I have learned to live, but having so much time that I feel lifeless, has taken it's toll. I am slowly finding my feet, and my voice again. After having been so withdrawn for so many years, I am forcing myself to get out more. I am forcing myself to drive more and reaching out to people that I haven't made much of an effort for, for many years. I am forcing myself out of this black hole that seems to have encased me. I do not like this person I have spent 5 years being. A person who is moody, resentful, scared to death to speak my mind, afraid to leave my house, afraid to even drive my truck. This is the pathetic person, I have had to become. A life without spark, without creativity, without goals, without a desire to do better, a constant feeling of restlessness that can't seem to be tamed....it's the result of oppression.

I began my own journey in July when I went back to work part-time. It's been a slow journey so far, as I had allowed myself to get so far down. Every step forward is being met with several steps backwards. Once you allow anyone to have so much control of your life, you will be met with a wave of backlash. It happens, and I am guilty of this myself! I am not perfect and I know this. I am difficult to live with, at best, and I have the almost OCD need to have control of the life around me. When my schedules are thrown off, everything else is off too. When communication breaks down, it's one problem after another, and it ends of making me angry. I have learned so much throughout my marriage and my life in Missouri. Some things were lessons, I never wanted, and others were lessons I would have loved to learn sooner.

A couple of weeks ago, I had another major eye opening experience. My quiet, smart, and witty uncle passed away at 53 years old, just 13 years older than me. It was such a revelation to me, that it left me dumb-founded. I have been in Missouri since 1997, just 17 years, of my almost 40 years of life. While I consider Missouri my home now, I still miss my family and friends that I grew up with. I hate that I can't seem to get back to my hometown more often. I know my home is here, and I love it, but time and finances keep me from doing much of anything. A trip back home, just for a weekend, is a minimum of $400. This doesn't include the time of being away. Having animals, and chores here that are required twice a day, make it difficult to get away. My last trip home, brought back so many memories, and I spent a lot of time with one side of my family. It was an "ah-ha" moment, the day of the funeral. We were driving from the funeral home to the hall where the luncheon was being held; and it kind of slapped me. As we were driving, I was pointing out different place that family had lived, and remembering different family gatherings. Out of nowhere, I said, "it's funny to me how different the 2 sides of my family are. Mom's side is more conservative and reserved. While Dad's has always seemed more eccentric to me. They were the ones that didn't think inside the box. They have always been the ones to go their own way." Then it hit me. Not only do I look like my Dad's family, I am more like they are. Even though I have spent many years being more reserved, it's not who I am or who I want to be. I want to show my eccentric side, I want to spread my wings wide and show my kids that it's ok to make their own paths. I want to show them the beauty of a simple life, without all the material stuff that just clutters their values. I want them to understand that the most meaningful things in life don't cost anything (love, loyalty, respect, inner peace, etc.)! I don't want my children to think that drama, games, broken promises, lies, and deceit are acceptable. I want more for my children than I have ever had.

I want my kids to be proud of who they are and what their values are. I want them to treat others with respect(as long as it's earned), I want them to be proud of their chosen career paths, I want them to be well-rounded people. Once they are older, I want them to treat their significant others with respect, loyalty, and courtesy without taking them or anyone else for granted. I hope they will find the same attributes in their choice for mates. I hope they will value the ties that bond a family, and not let anyone interfere in that path they choose. I hope they find a career or even multiple careers that will make them happy, even if they are not earning a 6 figure income. I want them to be good people. This is not asking too much, and since our son is growing into a wonderful young man, I am seeing some of this emerging from him. I can only hope that him being integrated into more "social situations," will not cause a backslide of what I am trying to teach him or our daughter.

As I am once again reinventing myself, I am finding that the parts of myself that I liked years ago, are still there...they are just buried. I have continued my own education throughout my life. I have jumped into learning anything and everything that has caught my attention. In April 2010, I went back to school to get my certification for Natural Health. I love the natural health side of well being. Fortunately, I was privileged enough to be in class with 2 doctors, and have since had a good deal of communication with several others. In March of this year, I began another venture. The education and certification of Medical Transcription Editing. I am still trying to get this finished around the insanity of the schedules here, I should be done in October...I hope! This will give me not only a degree, but also 2 certifications. I am very proud of this, even though I haven't gotten much more than grief and lack of understanding from most. I can only hope that my own love of learning is passed on to my kids! The more I learn, the better I feel.

The more I write in my journals and write on my blog, I am slowly starting to find my way. The restless feeling I have experienced on and off for several years, is starting to find meaning. It's beginning to find it's way to the surface and require some sort of action to resolve. I don't know what the resolutions will be, but I will be putting them to rest; one issue at a time. I will not allow myself to be a follower anymore. I can't. It's not who I am, it doesn't sync with my values, and it is down right wrong to force anyone to go against everything they believe to conform to fit any situation. Being a realist, I know there will be backlash, and it's going to be an uphill battle. It will be, whatever it will be. I have learned strength, determination, and perseverance from some of the best people ever! It is from their teachings, and examples that I found direction.

I am about to grow some more. I am embracing my eccentric side, and going to let it shine and spread my wings. I am going to embrace the happiness I deserve, even if it goes against every grain of what others find acceptable. I am going to spend time reconnecting with friends that are more like family. I am going to be involved in my kids life, and spend ever chance I have to spend with them, before they get any older. My kids are my entire world. They are the reason I have spent so many years accepting what I do not agree with. I have to learn to ask for and accept help when I can't do it all myself, and it will be fine unless it's thrown in my face. Then everything will change again. The main reason I quit asking for help, is because I got tired of hearing "well, I helped you do whatever."

Now that I am working part-time, I am finding that it's something I have always loved. I am a waitress and bartender at a small local bar & grill. It's a cozy little place with some exceptional people. Even though there seems to be plenty of drama, I am guessing it's due to the fact that a majority of those that work there are family. So, that throws in a whole other monkey wrench than what is normal for this type of business. Once I get my schooling finished, I will be doing that part-time as well. Between the 2(less than 25 hours a week), will provide me a full-time income without the full-time hours away from kids. Only about 15 of those hours will be spent away from home. It will still give me the opportunity to teach my kids, and enjoy them. It's the best of both worlds.

I am pushing to make the changes I know need to be made. I know anything worthwhile takes time, and I am working on my patience as well. I have allowed myself to become somewhat of a recluse, over the past 10 years. I have slowly slid into a horrible, and unfounded fear of so much. I refuse to continue this destructive path. Hopefully, I will get support as I claw my way back to where I want to be, but even if I don't...I got this! I have handled life on my own for many years, so I can handle this too.

Enlightened once again!
Salli

Changing Focus

There have been so many days of late, that I am ending up overwhelmed. It's seems that issue after issue is piling up, and some of them have been issues for awhile that have no chance of being resolved. Sometimes, the issues at hand, just make me want to run away to a quiet place. Fortunately, I am not that type of person anymore. Responsibilities and priorities keep me grounded. There was a stage in my life, when I would have walked away from the excessive issues and never looked back.

Now, I will not run away. Instead I will focus on fixing the issues I can, and the rest will just be dealt with the best way I possibly can. I am only human, and can only handle so much. I do not, typically, have ice running through my blood. So, I try to keep everyone happy and that comes back to bite me. So, my attitude is being adjusted once again because each time issues arise, I feel myself growing colder to the outside world. I am going to keep my family happy, content and growing to the people we want to be. The rest is just back ground noise. I am going to make every attempt to stay focused on our goals, and my own goals.

Life is never promised to be easy, but it is promised to be worth it. So, with each issue that arises, I need to look for the opportunity to learn and grow from it...instead of at the stress of it. I will not be letting issues control my own personal well-being. I have done that for far too long. It's time to pull up my boot straps, and work out what I can!

It's a day of reckoning, a day to fix the attitude. There is nothing, or no one that make me feel inferior without my consent. I do not allow, normally, anyone that much control over me. There is absolutely no reason to start now! I am very happy with the person I am becoming overall, and several bumps in the road are not going to change me permanently! I will falter, I may have days that I want to run away, but I won't. I will take the time I need to regain my foot work, and I will continue on my path. I am strong willed, to a fault, and that will, determination and drive, will keep me moving forward even in the harshest of situations.

I am not perfect, but I am me. In all it's good, bad and ugly circumstances. I have become a strong, independent, and rational person...until I get overwhelmed. Once I get overwhelmed, everything is wrong, and my need to have control of the situations around me goes wild. I don't like not having control of my life. When I feel like I don't have that control, it sends me into a tailspin. I have not allowed anyone to control my life for years...and I have no intention of starting now! When others try to control the life of someone, other than their selves, it becomes a big problem. What is good and works for some, isn't so good and doesn't work for others. I refuse to give in to things I do not believe in, and things I do not agree with. I have sat quietly, and allowed situations to rule our paths for far too long.

I am better than that. I am a responsible, respectable, hard-working person. What I do in a 24 hour period would make some people's head spin. I am not a role model, nor would I want to be. I have done some things in my life that make me cringe. However, I would not change anything. Everything I have been through, everything I have done, and everything I am going through; has made me the person I am today. It has given me the knowledge, the strength, the courage, the convictions, and the inspiration to move beyond who I thought I would be.

The recent speed bumps in my life, have been set before me, for me to learn and grow from. So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, and focusing on the negatives of them; I am going to look to them to learn. There is no sense in throwing a pity party, feeling sorry for myself or degrading myself. It's time to focus on what I know, the logic's of the issues, then it's time to analyze everything, and finally put each issue to rest once and for all! I am stopping this roller coaster ride, immediately.

I am finding my way out of this self-imposed pity party. As my daughter would say, it's time to "Cowgirl Up!"
~S~

Family knows NO bounds!

All my life, that I can remember, my Grandma used to say that when a family member was in need or just family in general, you should "Circle the Wagons." I never really understood the meaning behind this phrase until I got older, and honestly...not until I had children of my own.

The Term "Circle The Wagons," in pioneer meaning meant: to literally circle the covered wagons. Inside the circle of covered wagons was safety, security, and camaraderie. Being in the center of that circle allowed a safety net of sorts. Everyone had your back, you were never alone. In the pioneer days, that interior circle meant the warmth of a fire, safety from outside world, friendship and caring, and a revere you can only get from having the bonds with those in that circle. Little did I know, growing up in a huge family, would provide those wagons in a circle. Little did I know, growing up, that the circle of wagons, would be an unbreakable bond.

Very recently, my family had the unexpected loss of a great man. He was a quiet man. One of those that either sat quietly just observing, or was more comfortable not being in the middle of my extremely large family gatherings. I was not overly close to him, because of spending the last 16 years away from my family, but if you just watched, you could see a world of thought, right through his eyes.

I have always been told that the window to someone's soul was through their eyes, and with this man, it couldn't have been truer. You could easily see the love and pride for his wife(my aunt),and their kids. As their kids grew up, that love and pride was clearly evident, as well. My uncle, as I knew him, was a man with a quiet humor, a love of music, a love for his family, and so amazing smart! Through pictures, you could just see the amazing bond he and my aunt shared. It was like watching newlyweds.

While every loss is tragic, this one has hit me really hard. I can't pinpoint exactly why, but I suspect that it's because of the young age of loss, how 2 people who couldn't have been better suited for each other we torn apart, maybe it's because I have been worried about this exact situation in my own marriage. I have not been overly close to any of my family members since moving to Missouri. This does not mean I don't love them, and wouldn't be there for them if they needed me, though. It's difficult to remain close to people you see once a year, or only at weddings and funerals. I have missed my crazy family! I have missed out on the younger generation of cousins growing up and having families of their own. I have missed my Aunts and Uncles, many of them aren't much older than I am. I have missed my cousins that I grew up with, and now they have families of their own. Watching my Aunt the past couple of days was difficult. My aunt has always been strong and determined, the most like my grandma. Always having multiple lists of things to do, always on top of every family event, always so level headed, and since my grandmother's passing, was the back bone of our family. My family never disappoints though. When this tragedy happened, my family pulled together and was there. My youngest brother was there to make sure she got to the hospital safely, and helped her every way he could. When he was taken from our family, my family of over 100 people, pulled together and all but 4 of us were there for her, physically, but every single one of us has been and will always be there for her emotionally.

Although this loss has been horrible as is any other loss, there is something to be learned or remembered. For me, this is a reminder of how important family is, how we all take things for granted, and how important it is to make time for those we love and care about. So many times, we focus on getting through the minute. It's chaos at best. We have to get through traffic to get to work, we have to get through the work week and live it up on the weekends, I call this person or that person when things calm down, or just believing that someone knows you care about them and not expressing it enough...this leads to regrets when a tragedy occurs.

I know so many of us that live, financially, on the edge. We have just enough to pay the bills but not enough to allow for trips away from home. We don't take time out of our crazy, fanatic lives to spend time on those we love. We just live our lives and assume that our loved ones will be there when we have time or money to visit. Unfortunately, that's just not the case. We have neglected what and who is important for materialistic lives that take the money, take the time away from family, and cause the need to work multiple jobs to pay for. We have become so indebted that it's the common thought, that that is the only way.

It's time we re-learn the value of family and the price of everything else. It's time to start circling the wagons around our families and never lose sight of importance of them. We need to stop being so materialistic, and start being more fiscally responsible. It's time that we put family on the pillar it was meant to be on, and quit the ridiculous squabbles about materials that are just that...materials. Family bonds are stronger than any bond there is, even if that family isn't blood related.

The last several years, my husband and my families, have lost too many family members. We have spent so many years now, developing a family bond with our children. Teaching them the importance of family, how to be respectful, showing how important it is to spend time with family and learn from them, and how no one that truly loves any of us would ask us to give up our family bonds. I know that family members disagree, and even argue. I also know, that when you love, you sometimes take for granted that those loved ones will just "understand why you are too busy to be present."

We use the excuse of being too busy and why? We are too busy to make time for family? I have heard so many recently, talking about the excuses of why they can't or won't or don't want to be around family...and it makes me physically sick! I have heard, "well, they don't come around us for the things that are important to us, so why should I make time to go around them?" I have also heard, more times than I care to count, "we just don't have the money or time to visit." But so many of us will find the time and/or money when a family member passes. Why don't we find that time or money when our loved ones are alive?

As I said, the last several years losses in our families, have really taken a toll on me. I am guilty of so much of this. Not making/taking time for family or those I hold in the same regard as family. Using the crappy excuses of no time or money. I have circled the wagons around my little family, but my husband and I together have a huge combined family. Each of us became part of another family when we married. Too many times, and I've heard this and said this, it becomes "it's your family." That should never be the case when you combine lives. Once you combine lives, through marriage, there is no more "mine" and "yours." You join your lives in marriage, therefore you join families. You have your extended families that you were born into, you have the families you married into, and you have your own family. These all become one, when you are married. I was blessed with a family that always welcomed those who married in, as one of their own. It's been an on going phrase in my family, since I was a little kid, that once you married into my family, you never get out. You are just always apart of it. My extended family, including my parents, always welcomed in people...those who were best friends of family members, and those who didn't have much of a home life. This has always been a source of pride for me. Never once, in my family, will you hear..."you are only married into the family." That is not how my family works. The day I married my husband, he became a part of my gigantic, chaotic, but amazing family. They have never made him feel any less of a family member than I am, as far as I know.

I know my family isn't like most, but they are my family. Growing up with my grandmother who ran a tight ship, and a grandfather with a quiet wit, charm and the love they shared even through trials...gave me my strength and determination. Having 2 sets of strong grandparents didn't allow much choice...I was brought up to be strong. Growing up with 9 Aunts and Uncles on one side of the family, and 1 on the other; has given me such a variety of life styles to learn from. One side of my family was more classical and reserved. The other side, more eccentric and honestly, wild. The life I live today, in such an amazing combination of the 2, is in large part because of the amazing family I was born into. It gave me the strength to be who I am, to learn some things that I never want to do, and the knowledge that if I ever really need support....I have one of the biggest and best support groups possible; my family!

Many of us are spread out now, but I know I could call on any one of them, and they'd be there. I know that my kids will be able to see the threads that tie us together. I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that my kids will know the importance of family, and Circling The Wagons. My grandmother used to have a newsletter that she wrote to help keep our family updated on what everyone was doing. There have been many times family members that have tried to get something going with them again. I believe, as the oldest grandchild, I will make an attempt to start these newsletter up again.

I need to make some adjustments in my life, and hope that I never lose that insight I have gained over the last several years. I need to make time for those that mean so much to me, and quit using excuses why I can't/shouldn't be near them. There are no excuses that make up for neglecting family bonds!

Family knows no bounds!
~Salli~

Fall weather = soaring spirit!

I can always tell when the Fall weather begins to shift. My spirits soar, and my outlook is a whole lot better. I love the cooler weather, the changing of the leaves, the crispness of the air, and watching all the crops begin to dry. It's the time of year that always makes me feel a little lighter, and a little friskier...for lack of a better word!

For those who have been following my blogs, last October began a very rough emotional and physical time for me. Aside from a few uncontrollable issues that were not planned, my emotions took a nose dive and when that happens...so does my physical health. While I still have a few areas that have been difficult, I am finding my old self again. In finding my old self, I am re-finding my spirit, my need for having some fun, and feeling better physically too.

Now that the temps have taken a turn towards cold...I am thinking of all the amazing times, adventures, and beauty that can only be experienced in Fall. I have so many beautiful memories of Fall activities, from when I was younger clear through until last year. Some of my favorites are a pumpkin farm near my hometown, haunted house bus tours, Indian Summer nights on a boat with a little ceramic heater, jumping into piles of leaves, carving pumpkins, sitting around bonfires wrapped in blankets, taking my 2 little people to a local pumpkin farm and watching their eyes glow with excitement, and pulling out my camera to capture the beautiful color changes of leaves while tracking a deer with my husband. These are just a few reasons I love Fall. Even now as I type this blog, I am dreaming of what I can capture this year.

I am so excited to have 2 cameras to capture the world I see. My newest camera is one my husband found that is about 5 years newer than my old one. It's not brand new, but it's several steps up from my old one. The next one though, will be pretty expensive, so I am going to focus on getting great with these 2 before I take that leap. Fortunately, I have had several volunteers to help me learn to photography people. I tend to lean more towards nature. Now, I just need to learn to more on the copy write front, and helping to keep my photos, mine. Once I finish my schooling, I will have 2 hours a day to focus towards learning what I need to, take photos, and really learn my new camera.

In the meantime, I am feeling a little frisky, and a whole lot relieved to start feeling more like myself. I plan to to spend a lot of time seeing the beauty of everything I come in contact with. I also plan to keep at least one camera with me always! It never fails that I see something so magnificent, and don't have a camera on hand! I think I need to put memory cards, money and photo albums on my Christmas lists this year!

Venturing back into familiar territory!
Find beauty in everything around you!
~Sal~

Remembering...

IN HONOR OF THOSE WE LOST, THOSE WHO REMAINED, AND ALL THE EMERGENCY CREWS!

I don't believe anyone will forget where we were or what we were doing the moment the news broke in with the tragic events of September 11, 2001; just as those who were here when America was attacked before World War 2. Everyone has this horrible event etched into their minds.

As an almost 40 year old, the only thing that ever came close to this horrific event for me, was when our troops were sent to Iraq the first time, Dessert Storm. However, 9-11-01 became a day that none of us will ever forget. If you were to stop any person, any where, and ask them, "where were you and what were you doing on September 11, 2001?" Every one of them can tell. It was the day that many people never believed would happen, and it was the day that many Americans knew would change their lives forever. Even those of us that were not directly affected.

On that horrible day, 13 years ago, that I was getting my 1 year old son ready for his 1st birthday pictures. My husband was working about half hour from home. I sat glued to the news coverage, crying and scared. I held my little boy so tightly and prayed for our safety, the safety of those in the towers and on the ground, and just prayed for guidance for our country.

13 years ago, America as we knew it changed. We went from being a country that was basically untouchable to a country petrified by fear, gripped by disbelief and uncertain of our future. Even through all the horror, tragedy and pain, we pulled together as Americans. You rarely say a home or business without a flag. We started to remember to make time for our families, friends and the important things in life. Through all the tragedy, we became a country of the united front. We were proud to be Americans, proud to stand by our neighbors, proud of our military, and honestly...we were pissed! Something so horrific should never have happened on American soil. We proudly stood by our President, our politicians, and most importantly...by our service members.

On the anniversary of this horrific attack on Americans, and American soil; I ask you all to remember the way you felt that day. Never forget the innocent lives lost to the cowards that attacked us. Never forget the importance of just stopping to enjoy the little things that we all too often forget. Always, always, always, support our troops and their families. These are the men and women that offer the ultimate sacrifice so you are free to have an opinion, even if it is disrespectful. Their families sacrifice time with their loved ones, they worry about their loved ones who get deployed and are the back bone of their family having to keep the family unit going.

On this day, take the time to hug your kids, tell those you love - that you love them, and remember that everything can change in the blink of an eye.

~Salli~

Thinking a mile a minute!

After winding down from a crazy, busy weekend, I am finding that my mind is easing some. Whenever we have any kind of gathering, it's always a lot of work for me. I love having gathering and visiting with family and friends, but it requires a lot of work. In addition to our huge gathering this weekend, we have this stupid remodeling project still going. Yes, I know I will love the outcome of the remodeling, but right now it's just a burr under my saddle(a constant irritation!).

We had a beautiful weekend for our gathering. We even got to enjoy a bonfire with some of our guests. We had a lot of people, plenty of food, and the kids all seemed to really enjoy getting to run around and play in dirt. Some of the older kids spent time catching up, and reconnecting after several years. It was really nice, but I never get to visit as I wish I could. Parties at our home are never a time to get to visit much(at least until after the meal and clean up!). I was finally able to sit for a minute and enjoy the bonfire about half an our before our last guests decided to leave. I didn't even get a S'more this bonfire. The boys decided to go coyote hunting at midnight, so I spent 2 hours after they left cleaning up the mess.

I have so many thoughts today and yet I still feel calmer than I have for weeks. There are so many people I wish I could spend some time with. I know several are dealing with life issues, work schedules, and of course we all have children to keep up with, but some times, I just wish we could stop everything to just visit. After our party this weekend, I was struck by how technologically advanced we have become, yet our interactions with people have been degraded. I watched so many this weekend, that couldn't even take a break from their connections to their phone or technologies. It really upsets me that society as a whole has forgotten what it means to be "social." I would not dream of going to a party and spending all my time online or on my phone. I would not, intentionally, call people knowing they were at a party or social event. I sure as heck would not make a phone call or even take a call that would be upsetting during a time that is spent with family for a special event. Too many people have lost or never had a little thing called common courtesy. We have become a society that is always connected through technology, but is rapidly losing connections physically.

I have struggled for months trying to come to grips with the distance from my family and most of my closest friends. I wish I could take time to go have coffee and visit. Spend time catching up with what is going on in their lives and talk like we used to. While I have a couple of people here that I can tell or say anything to, the few others that I trust that much are over 400 miles away. They can't get away from their lives and schedules any more than I can get away from mine. While I can't speak for them, I can say for me, it's not for lack of trying! I keep thinking that some weekend, I would love to just sneak away, all by myself, and spend a weekend just catching up with old friends. However, whenever I think of making a trip home, I feel guilty if I don't spend time with my family. In turn, then I would need to take the kids so they could see our family up there too. It's a vicious cycle that keeps my mind spinning. Maybe a weekend away at a halfway point or even a weekend up north all by myself, should be an early birthday gift?! Once a year trips back home, for less than 48 hours, don't allow much time to do anything.

Now that I have gotten through the party, it's time to work towards finishing some of our remodeling projects before the holidays. I know they will all get finished, but the end of the year and cold weather are in the foreseeable future. The outside projects that need finished are pretty minimal: roof, siding, windows, furnace and getting power to the barn. They should not take too horribly long to finish once we get going on them. We still need to finish one half of the new addition, get the stuff moved in to it's new homes. Then all the inside stuff that needs to get finished: scraping 7 more rooms of popcorn ceilings, drywall for 7 more rooms, new flooring for those rooms, paint, and getting everything put back and organized.

With the end of the year looming in just a few short months, I am already thinking about my birthday. Yes, I know most people don't like to celebrate their birthdays, but I do! I love my birthdays. It reminds every year, that I have made it another year. This year, will be my 40th birthday. I can't wait! I bawled like a baby when I turned 30, but I am seriously looking forward to turning 40. My 30's have been rough. While they have held some wonderful times, overall, I am ready to leave them behind. I am ready for my 40's in hopes of finding much more happiness. I have spent so much time reflecting on everything in my life. The good, bad, and the ugly! I write continuously to help keep myself on track. Whether I write here in my blog, or in one of hundreds of journals that I keep; I am continuously trying to grow. I want to be the best I can be, learn everything I possibly can and grow from what I learn, and to better myself everyday in some fashion. As I have heard - I am not who I once was, and I'm not who I want to be, but I am getting there. I am a constant work in progress. I will never be better than anyone else, but I want to be a better person than I was yesterday.

I am constantly thriving to be the person I want to be. I push myself to no end, just to prove to myself that I can do everything. Even when I find something that I am unable to do, I push myself to keep trying. Not everything has been able to be achieved, since I am a relatively small person. I set goals, and do everything I can to achieve them. I have high expectations of myself, and I tend to expect them out of others. I know this isn't logical, since they may not be as head strong as I am, but I do still expect it. It causes a lot of issues for me, especially when others don't even try. I get disappointed a lot, and even let down some, when others aren't as driven as I am. I am who I am though. I tend to love people even when it's not reciprocated, I forgive but rarely forget, I get angry and stay angry for a long time, I look for the good in everyone even when I shouldn't. I give too many chances to people that abuse that courtesy. I am a hopeless romantic. I love the little things in life(picnics under the stars, a good hike, little notes to have a good day/night, etc.). I love a night to go out dancing even if the music isn't exactly my style. I love a good all night conversation over a pot of coffee. These are just a few of the things I have been missing, for me. While I would not change having my kids with me all the time, I do miss a few things that it would be easier not having the kids with to enjoy.

I am loving being back to work a few days a week. I know it's probably not the type of job I should have as an almost 40 year old mom, but it's what I have always enjoyed and loved. I love having a place to go, make a little extra money, and having a name. The first several days I worked, it was so odd to hear my name! It was odd as I started to meet new people, that they would come in to work, and say, "hey Salli, great to see you!" While there are some characters up there, most of them are super nice. The little extra cash has been nice to allow a few extras that I wouldn't have bought otherwise. Like my new Bunn coffee maker! The money I am making the rest of the year, will pay the farm insurance, taxes, and buy Christmas gifts. It's kind of nice not to have to take all that out of the regular budget.

Even though I love writing in my blog, and I am much better at writing than other forms of communication, there are some things I would never put out online. There are things I would love to say, people I would love to talk to and even a few not-so-nice things I would love to express. However, for the sake of all and the fact that as good as the internet is for keeping in touch, I much prefer real conversations and real interaction. Sometimes, even with real conversations, the words I speak come out wrong. They tend to come out angry and accusatory, when what I really feel is hurt or taken advantage of. So many times, I have said "I'm fine, or just peachy." When in all honesty, that usually means that there is a problem, I don't know how to deal with it and I don't know how to say what I need to, to make it understood. I am not the type of person to let things roll off my back. I need to talk about things until they make sense in my head. Arguments are the same way, they are not over until I have made sense out of them.

Even though I am pretty calm today, I have a lot on my mind. I am really missing my Northern friends, and the nights we'd spend hours upon hours drinking coffee and solving the problems of the world. I am missing some of the conversations that were bantering back and forth between old friends. However, I am grateful for the life I have established here and these 2 little people that keep reminding what it means to be adventurous and have fun. I am grateful for all that I have learned and continue to learn everyday.

I guess there is just too much going through my head to stay on one subject, so I am going to spare you all the constant jumping and end this blog post. I suppose I will venture into laundry mountain, and see what I can get done today.

~Salli~