Finding balance, when feeling lost.

A lot of transitions are happening in this chaotic mind of mine. I have been feeling a bit trapped within myself for awhile. I am not miserable, nor am I mistreated, but I have been struggling to find my happiness for a long time. I spent years focusing on my kids, and to a lesser degree my marriage. I spent years trying to be the best Mom I could be, by being 100% for them. That doesn't leave much for being the best wife I could be. I have always put my kids above and beyond every other thing or person in my life, including myself. I never understood how a parent could leave their kids with babysitters all the time, when they weren't working. I couldn't understand how parents would go out with friends, over spending time with their children. To some degree I still feel this way, but I am rethinking some of my thoughts too.

We all age, it's just part of life. I have hit the stage in my life that every woman goes through, where my body is transitioning from a reproductive stage to a mature stage. The chaos that ensued that transition has left me feeling lost and unbalanced. I'm not depressed, but I'm needing answers now. Not just answers to some issues, but answers about my life that I don't remember completely. I am troubled with some bits and pieces that I do remember, but can't really place where they fit in. There have been other issues that I do remember, areas that I know weren't the best of times but there were some good times, even my marriage has had ups and downs and through the years we have grown together, some how! There have been areas of my life, that as I have learned more, have really changed my view.

I have always been told that unless you are at 100% you can not give 100%. This couldn't be more true. This transition in my life has made me see things differently. I have neglected myself for so many years, and I know I can not continue to do this. As it is, all these years of putting everyone and everything else above myself, I believe, have partially led to where I am emotionally. I have allowed others to dictate my behavior, and my life. I have not allowed myself the space I need to recharge and renew. I have heard some older women say, well we never had to have "me" time or we never had to have a date night with our husband. Well, for many years this has driven me. Now, however, I have to say: "I am so glad that worked for you, but it's NOT working for me!"

We do not have a traditional life. We home school, so I am with my kids, typically 24 hours a day. Until July, I didn't work outside of home, so I was always at our home. Until last year, I never allowed myself a night out with friends, and the few date nights I took with my husband, weren't very much. I was always a person that would not depend on anyone. I would not ask for help, because many times when I did - years ago, it was hung over my head. I still HATE that! I began closing myself off from everyone but my kids. I kept my walls up, and anytime something was said or done, those walls got higher. I shut down my emotions, and basically learned to be a wall flower. As each day over the past year, has dawned, I am finding that the flood of thoughts, emotions, and overall perspective of my life, is changing.

I have had a good life, overall. Even though there were areas that I would not go back to if I could...overall, my life has been good. Every bad thing, brought me to the strength I would need to grow. It would teach me a lesson of how not to be, how I wanted my life to be different, or led me to the life I have now. Moving to Missouri was a hard choice to make, and once it became a permanent move, it took on a whole new level of difficulty. I know my move down here was a huge step for me, and a huge learning experience too! I left behind all my family, and friends...basically everything I had ever known. Even though, at the time, it was just a way to get a start on my own, finish college, and to experience life without everyone I knew knowing everything I did...I never expected to stay. A year after moving here, I met my husband. Even though we got along really well, I wasn't prepared to hear "I love you," on our first actual date, or that hearing that he wanted to marry me. In all honesty, it sent me running for the hills! I had been married, briefly, before hand and marriage was not on my list of wants! So, after running, I decided there were worse people and areas I could end up. Don't get me wrong, I loved him! We had one of those relationships that just clicked from the beginning. We could talk, for hours, and we enjoyed spending time together. It was my fear, that drove us to have many problems! My own fear of commitment, my fear of getting too close to someone - only to have them walk away, my fear of losing myself. When we found out that we were going to have our 1st child, my fears magnified again. After some scar tissue damage from my teenage years, and a miscarriage; I was terrified to get excited. When he was born, and was a healthy baby, I relaxed some. To me, he was my miracle baby! I was thrilled but dealt with postpartum depression for a few months. A new baby, one that cried a lot, and didn't sleep, all compounded together to make life a little rocky for awhile. We got through it, we dealt with marriage issues as best as we could, and even though the love we have for each other has never changed, sometimes life gets in the way. Over the years, we had ups and downs and many times, I was ready to walk away. The last time I was at that point, I found out we were going to have our 2nd miracle baby. Our oldest was a year old, when I found out I had cervical cancer. I dealt with that, but was told I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. I had one, so I was ok with that. Our youngest, took me by complete surprise. Obviously, both kids are healthy and beautiful little people. I am very blessed!

After everything we have been through, somehow, our relationship has grown. Even though we don't always agree, we have a pretty good relationship now. We still have our disagreements, we still get frustrated with each other, but I know I can talk to him about anything. He has become my best friend and sometimes, even though I try not to, my ranting post. He is doing his best to understand this crazy transition in my life, he has held me a number times as I cry through emotions that I had locked up years ago, he is loving me the way only a husband can. He tries to bring another view point to line of sight, even when I fight it. He is always right there when anything good or bad happens. He doesn't forget to call, he doesn't play the game of only being there if he wants something and he doesn't tell me I can't do something.

It's been kind of eye opening for me to spend some time looking at my life the past year. I have learned a lot, but most importantly, I have learned that things are not always what they seem. Perspective has become a major part of my life. I have spent a year dealing with something...and I still can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but it's something pretty major. Like I said, I am not depressed, I do not have negative thoughts really...more introspective, but there is definitely a huge shift in my own being. What I have been thinking was unhappiness, isn't. It's a transition, or shift in my personal being. It a shift in how I look at life, relationships, and people. Even though this has been one of the most difficult years of my life, it's been a year of realization too. Realizing that people aren't who you thought they were, that memories are just that...they didn't make it to your present for a reason, that life is a roller coaster that you can either enjoy or cringe from, and that some of the most important people in your life are the ones that help you grow...not hinder your growth. People either compliment your life or complicate your life. It's up to us to find those that compliment us! I still have a ways to go, but I am seeing life a little clearer each day.

For years, I have devoted my life to my kids. In July, I decided to take a huge step outside my comfort zone and go back to work part-time. It was difficult the first few weeks. The next few weeks were rather enjoyable, and the last few weeks now, have been hell. Not only are the patrons a lot more redneck than I am used to, the drama within the job gets overwhelming. Most days are like dealing with high school kids! The customers, mostly are fine, but there are a few that have left me feeling more than uncomfortable. I'm told that I can not defend myself against unwanted advances from customers, and to me, this goes against everything I know. When I began bartending at 21 years old, I was taught how to bar tend. I was taught how to stock, and prepare for the next shift. I was also taught that respectable bar owners stood up for their employees. These lessons continued through ever bar I ever worked at, until now. While I love the type of job I have, and I am good at it, I am not sure how to deal with the one I have now. All this aside, I hate that I am missing meals with my family, I am missing many of the activities my kids are doing now and the time I am away from home is hindering every aspect of the life that my family has built. The extra money coming in from that job has been great. It's been a chance to get away from home a few hours every week, but I am really questioning if it's worth it. I am beginning to think it's not, but I'm not sure I really want to give up having some spending cash either. Ugh! Just another area I am evaluating.

I have missed the past year, wallowing in the chaos, that has consumed my brain. I have really missed my gardening, baking and cooking. I have missed getting excited over holidays, and a few date nights. I have missed time with my horses, chickens and my nature walks. I have allowed the chaos of following a schedule, focusing on cleaning, laundry and to-do lists to over run the balance I need to feel whole. I have allowed outside sources to interfere with my balance too.

Now, TODAY, I am beginning again. I am reshaping, refocusing, and rebalancing MY life. I am moving forward to begin enjoying the things I like again, I am moving forward to place equal balance between my husband and my kids, and I am placing myself first to be sure I am recharged and balanced, so I can be the best Mom and wife possible. My wonderful husband made a comment last night that although it about made me cry, it was a huge kick in the ass. His comment: "What I want for Christmas is for you to be happy and be like you used to be." So, my dear,(I know you are going to read this!)That is what I want too and I am getting there with your patience, love and support! I will find my balance again and there may be several more changes, but I am almost there!

We are getting to my most favorite time of the year. Even though Halloween is first, and the most dreaded holiday for me, Thanksgiving and Christmas are soon to follow. We are not having Thanksgiving at our house this year, and although this was sad for me, I know that giving up a little to make a huge step forward, is worth the temporary change. I am planning to have our Christmas Open House, bake again for our neighbors, Have Christmas at our home, Decorate our home to the fullest extent our budget will allow, and I am making a change of plans for my 40th - RIGHT NOW! I want to spend my 40th birthday with my family, and friends...and not go somewhere that I can't have my kids with me while I celebrate! This is a huge milestone in my life, and while I want to celebrate, I want to do it surrounded with my family, our extended families, and my closest friends!

I am finding my way, slowly but surely. With the help of the 3 most important people in my life, I will be able to pass through this transition and be the person I was and want to be! I may be unorthodox, a little wild sometimes, too opinionated and mouthy, but I am tearing down the rest of these walls. These walls have kept everyone at arms length for a lot of years, and they are no longer serving a purpose, and to some degree have caused the flood of emotions I deal with daily. The empathy I have felt for friends, even those negative friends that seem to drag you down every time you talk to them, is still entact but will be limited now. I will be a venting post for close friends, but I will not be used by anyone!

I am finding my foot work, and anything or anyone, that throws off that balance again will hear about. I will be asking for help, and accepting that help...even if grudgingly. For those that ask me for help and don't return the favor....don't bother asking again, because it will be a one time deal. I am not a door mat, that you can be friendly with when you need something, and don't have time for otherwise. The handful of true friends I have, aside from my husband, I will always be there for...just as they are for me. My inner circle is becoming an exclusive club.

Finding Balance has become my goal. Finding balance without taking out the weights that tip the scales is pointless. I am taking out the trash, the dead weight and the air. I am better than the person I have been the past year, and I will be a better person yet with a little more focus. Getting there!

~S~

Coffee chat - Oct. 27th - Solving the problems of my world over coffee...

A little coffee chat this morning before my week begins. I am facing the fact that no matter what I do, I am only one person and I am who I am...and I can't change that. Not that I would really want to change who I am, but some times, I wish I could be a little less uptight. Even though the last few years, I am finding myself becoming more tense, I really think that these last few years I have taken on so much more than I have ever done before. I don't take time out for myself, I have allowed my schedules to rule my life, and I do not handle change well anymore, so any changes or veer from normal, makes me uptight and stressed. So, I am trying to reign in some of those crazy obsessive needs of being self-dependent, and I am attempting to do better with asking for help.

Between the fact of getting older and dealing with a different stage of health, and realizing that my kids are growing and changing all the time, I am rethinking the way we are handling our lives. We took on this insanely huge remodel project in February. It has been completely consuming. Even though we are making headway, it's a slow process. There have been too many "surprise," projects thrown in to the mix to account for. There have been too many projects that should not have taken very long, but multiple surprises threw off my schedule. I am attempting to handle all the surprises the best I can, and attempting to keep my temper and stress in check.

Health wise, as women mature, their bodies change and so do their needs/wants. While I have joked about a mid-life crisis,it's really not a joking matter. My own experience has included so many of the menopausal symptoms that I had heard about from other women. The crazy hot flashes, night sweats that cause you to wake up and have your clothes soaked, mood swings that you can't control, bodily changes that you don't understand, and even to some degree; doctors that push medicine like the change from a reproductive stage to a mature stage is an illness or disease. I am a researcher, by nature. A lot of what I have read is from the Western Medical view. While there are some issues that constitute medication, menopause is not an illness nor is it a disease. It's a part of life that women have dealt with from the beginning of humanity. The difference from years ago until now, is that everyone wants instant gratification; they don't want to make changes in their lives to allow the natural process to happen, without synthetic drugs to control every aspect of that change. Fortunately, since I am a researcher and have several great holistic doctor friends and friends in the holistic field, I am finding what I feel is the natural way to handle my own changes. No, these changes do not happen over night and many times it has taken weeks to really start seeing a difference. However, I am not filling my body with drugs, and I know that this is a natural process, so I am trying to handle each new symptom as it occurs. Diet, exercise, and boosting your immune system with real food, is the key to better health...no matter what you face.

It's strange to feel so at ease with the chaos in my life. I get stressed, no doubt, but overall...I have found my new normal(to some degree!). I have began my vitamin changes, started including foods that are known for mood enhancement, also foods that have amazing health benefits, and because of a dream come true; I have began exercising again regularly so I can start teaching dance again. Although, the teaching is as a sub right now, it's still something I have dreamed of doing again, since I quit teaching 15 years ago. Dancing has always been something that allows me a release. I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone, and taking time for myself. Even though I was looking forward to it, a girls night out was something that I really wanted to do, but by the end of the day...I was tired and just wanted to stay home. I knew it would upset me later if I didn't go, so I went. We had fun, laughed so much at some of the costumes, and we didn't even drink...we just danced. It would have been so easy for me to just called up my friend, and say I was too tired to go. I didn't. I forced my way through getting ready, forced my way out the door - when it would have been so easy to throw on my sweats and curl up in my recliner, drove to her house, and we went out. It was fun, and laughing felt amazing. We got home about 2 in the morning, and I was back up by 8:30. I was totally exhausted, but it was another step for me.

My work schedule has thrown a bit of a monkey wrench in my life. I hate that, now that my kids are involved in different activities, I am not here to take them to everything. I have had to depend on my husbands mom to do a lot of the running, not to mention asking her to watch the kids so I can get a little time for me. She has willingly helped me out so much, and it kills me to ask, but even with my own pride issues...I am so grateful to have her help. My husbands step-mom has been a huge help to me throughout our marriage too. Between long conversations early on, to the current conversations that have helped me to understand the natural responses of menopause and how to deal with some changes, I am very fortunate to have her help too! Since I am working now, I have had to depend on my kids to do more, as well as my husband. Even though I am only working about 15 hours each week, there is about a hour before hand that I need to get ready. The times I work are the best for our schedules, and with my husbands job...it's still been a huge adjustment that I am still trying to work with. The little bit of extra money from my job has been amazing. I love having a little extra for things that I wouldn't normally do.

I have been in a candle business for the past 5 years. The company has been really good overall, but several changes the past couple of years has upset the balance for me. The candles are the best, the decorations are great quality, but the policies for the reps have changed and the shipping has become horrible. So, as part of my changes to help myself, I have decided it's time to walk away. I have given my customers a months notice, and since I have had so many amazing customers, I have a letter going to them with ways for them to continue ordering, but I will not be continuing that venture.

I am constantly reshaping myself into the person I want to be. I don't deal with gossip, and I have found that several folks I was friendly with, are too gossipy for my likings. I have some long time friends, that I continue to reach out to, because I am finding that true friends, are hard to come by. Even though I have 2-3 people in the area that I live now, that I can talk to and am friends with...my truest friends; the ones I can tell anything to and I never worry about them repeating anything, are still in my hometown area. Too many people, as far as I can tell, are your friend when it's convenient but they aren't there when you need them. They are what I call fair-weather friends. I am the person that everyone calls when they need to talk, but when I have needed them...they are no where to be found. It's upsetting. I have decided that I am not going to dwell on this though. I know I am a loyal friend, I do not gossip - I hate gossip with a passion, and I would never ignore someone - especially someone I consider a friend; in good times and bad! I am not responsible for others lack of respect, loyalty, or ignorance.

I have taken on a new outlook during my self-find mission. "I can not control everything. I will deal with what I can control, and if I can't control it...I will take a few deep breaths and LET IT GO!" This is not always easy for someone who wants to control everything around me. Stress does bad things to me. Most people, when they get stressed, eat. I go to the other extreme. When I get stressed, I don't eat, I can't. I end up losing weight, and getting sick when I get too stressed. I don't have much to lose before I look horrible. As someone who is 5'2 and on average weighs about 110...it can be a really bad deal to get too stressed. I have always had an issue gaining weight, so to lose weight, causes more stress as I try to put some of it back on. Last year, putting on weight was a fairly easy task, since I had orders for baked goods most of the Winter. This year, I am struggling with getting time to just fix meals. This is yet another area I am working on...but not quite ready to say I have it figured out!

I have spent many years going along with different areas that I didn't necessarily agree with. It was easier to keep quiet, so I didn't start an argument that to voice my opinion and deal with the aftermath of a differing opinion. That is changing too. There are so many things I have differing opinions on, but I am not a vindictive person. I would never degrade someone about their opinions, even if I don't agree. I am going to be me, even if I'm not always the most tactful person. I have gotten to a point, when I have several things bugging me, I write a note to my husband. I know he cringes when I tell him I have written..or when he reads these blogs. Sometimes, ok...most of the time, my mind is moving so fast, that it's easier to write my thoughts so I can keep up with myself. I want to tell him everything I am thinking, but at the same time, we either have little ears that don't need to hear everything, there isn't ever a good time to have real conversations, or there are just too many thoughts in my head and it's easier to write them. He has been very patient with my moods, my writing, and even trying to support some of the things I am wanting to do. I know I trying his patience...most of the time. I give him credit for attempting to understand the chaos that has consumed me lately. Even my insistent need to control everything hasn't driven him crazy yet.

With all the chaos in my life, I am trying to get organized. My constant thoughts, learning new parts of my family history, the changes happening with my kids, the changes within my body, the remodeling projects, trying to find my niche in this big crazy world...it's sometimes too overwhelming. Finding a path that will allow me to continue to grow, to stay family oriented, and to be true to my own needs; is not an easy path. What I have found, is that even though so many people are struggling with some sort of issue, people don't want or have time to visit when it's not their issue. Honestly, people don't just visit anymore. I grew up before the internet and "smarter-than-me-phones," were such a momentous part of life. I grew up with family dinners, people got together with friends for no reason other than to visit, you would call/write a letter/or jump in a vehicle just to spend time together. Life wasn't handled through text messages, email or Facebook. While I think some of the new technology has allowed us to keep in touch with those we live a distance from, I am afraid that technology is making America even dumber. People don't know how to communicate anymore without technology. In my house, some of the new technology(i.e. computers, texts, tv) is being taken out of our schedules. I know it has some good points, but I am rapidly getting more frustrated with it.

I can't get all of my emotional chaos organized until we get more of our house organized. The way my house looks, is what my brain feels like! Living in your home, while you remodel, would try the patience of a saint!!! The constant uproar of moving stuff from one room to another, having stacks of stuff everywhere while you remodel, and not being able to really clean is driving me nuts! I know we will have a beautiful home when we are finished, right now it's complete aggravation!

As a last bit of conversation this morning, I was thrown a bit off again, with the whole jealousy thing. This is not something I have dealt with in life, or even in my relationships. I don't understand it, and when I talk to people that say things like, "my husband/wife wouldn't allow me to do (insert anything in here!), it sends off the deep end! I seriously don't understand how people can be so insecure that jealousy becomes an issue. I have spoken to several that have/do deal with it though. The spouses, whether it's husband or wife, can't talk to certain people, can't dance with someone of the opposite sex, can't wear certain clothes, or when they do their hair and make-up end up getting a ration of crap for doing it. The newest little "thing," was Saturday when a friend painted her nails, and her husband asked her why she was getting all dolled up, after several other remarks. Like I said, I do not deal with this, so I really don't understand it. My thought is: if you are secure enough in your relationships, you don't hide your activities, and you respect your partner...what the heck good does it do? If my husband wanted to mess around, I would not stand in his way. I have more respect for myself than that. Yep, I would be pissed, I would go through mass of emotions and be hurt. However, to be jealous, and tell him who he could or could not talk to; or to get pissed when he talks, flirts, dances or dresses up? Not going to happen! I won't allow anyone to tell me who I can or can not talk to, or what I can or can not do or wear! I still talk to several of my ex's, and even some of their wives. No one is going to tell me I can't. I have no desire to have a fling. Quite honestly...I have more respect for myself than that. I wouldn't allow myself to do something like that, when everyone I know that has, said the feelings after the fact are so horrible. In my house, we have an agreement. IF either of us feel that we need to mess around, we will tell each other. Yes, the conversation would probably be uncomfortable, but wouldn't the emotional effect of doing it behind their backs be worse? I would think it would be. I know several that have dealt with extra-marital affairs, and while most regret it, others just become more confused. These types of situations, do not always result in divorce/break ups, but some do and then what? How many people end up with the person they had affairs with? I don't know for sure, but many do not. I do know that many times, affairs happen when one partner or the other aren't getting what they need from the other. I know of 2, and both of them are the same...they are needing real attention, real conversation, and real quality time that they are not getting at home. While it's great to get very attention from the opposite sex, it's when you take it to the next level that you are not only lowering yourself, your standards, and causing yourself emotional chaos you don't need. I am not someone that will ever judge someone, for anything. I know that some feel they have just cause, and if it works for them...great. I just know that for me, I prefer solid, real relationships that don't hinge on lies. I will not ever judge anyone, for the choices they make, even when I have given them my thoughts. Everyone has their own thoughts, their own feelings, and their own goals.

Even in my darkest days, I am a confident person. I know my heart, my mind, and my emotions...even when I can't control emotions...I own them. I know it's my job to make myself happy, I know that until I can accept myself as I am, I can't expect anyone else to accept me. I also know that I have plenty of flaws, and I have done things that I shouldn't. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, though. We may not understand them, or like them but it's true. I know for me, my list of pros/cons for myself could go either way, depending on the day. I know that my mind changes, my emotions change, my expectations change...sometimes at the drop of a hat. I am, however, who I am. The good, bad and ugly! :) It's kind of freeing, to know that I can accept myself as I am, without degrading myself or belittling myself. It's a great feeling to know that even when I don't like my moods, I can accept them and find a way to deal with them.

So, now the coffee is gone, and I must get started with my new changes. I will write more about those later, but I am hoping that the changes will allow for a little extra time for me to explore some of the things I want. Wishing you all a great day!
~Sal~

The dating game...

As my husband and I begin the new journey into teenagers, dating and unnecessary drama that goes hand in hand with teenagers and young love...I have reached out to some of my mom friends, those with older teenagers for some insight. I know my own personal wishes for my kids and their choice of girlfriends/boyfriends. I also know that I can guide them, and raise them to the best of my ability; but ultimately, not only is the choice theirs, but the decisions they make with those in their lives are theirs. I just have to hope I have raised them with the innate ability to be respectful, honest, and true to the values we have instilled. I will never tell my kids who they can and can not date, even if I don't personally care for the other person. That is their choice, not mine. I will however, tell them my feelings. It is up to them to make the best choice for them.

As I mentioned, we have began the journey into this strange new world with our oldest. With a girlfriend that is now considered just another member of our family, comes as unique opportunity for our oldest to grow and learn through situations. While they are obviously too young to actually date, the idea that they have been friends since pre-school, text continually, and talk about so much that I'm certain most 14 yr. old kids don't...it makes me proud of the young man I have raised. Fortunately, my son and I talk about everything, and he isn't afraid to tell me anything or show me text messages. He's knows I check his Facebook, and his cell phone, and he doesn't have to hide anything. I have been really lucky with him, but I also know that that may not always be the case. I know that I trust him to use his brain and not to do anything that will come back to bite him. I also know that by pushing him too far, in the opposite direction of where/what he's wanting, will not work to my advantage. All that does is drives them in the exact direction you are trying to veer them from. For me, I will trust my kids to make the right choices, before making a judgement that they have done wrong.

Our family is a little different than most. We are a close family, we hug, we are honest with our emotions even if the initial expression is a little loud. We put our family, the bonds between us and our personal values above everything else. Anyone that becomes involved in our little family will have to understand, and accept this, as well as, be willing to become another thread our family. I grew up in a family that opened their arms to many outside of our familial circle, and that is how our family works. We will welcome in the close friends of our kids, and treat them the same way we treat our kids...unless we are treated with disrespect or our kids are. Then, everything changes, and the welcome mat is no longer there.

As I said, talking to a group of moms this morning, got me thinking. We usually chat about once a week. We share stories, many of us have younger kids too, and we share some of the issues we deal with too. There was an article discussed today that was written by a Dad, and was the rules for dating his daughter. I got a chuckle out of the article. When we began discussing this, so many of the moms has strict rules, strict expectations, and in my mind...they were basically pushing their kids in a direction that I could never do to my kids. However, it got me thinking what I wanted for my kids. So, here are my hopes for both my kids.

Young love is cute, scary, frustrating and special. I have had plenty of conversations with my teenage son about how to treat a lady, what respect is, what honest is (with both her and me), and that it's important for him to find someone that he could relate to. I know from experience that finding someone who has some common interest is important, but I also wanted him to understand that the life he wants to lead, is going to take a special girl to be interested in that life. I also wanted him to understand that there are qualities in girls that he should look for. I know that at this age, kids are a weird species to all of us parents. They have emotional roller coasters, the drama gets to be a bit extreme, the world as we knew it with our "babies," begins a massive transformation of "OMG! who are you and what have you done with my son/daughter." It can become difficult to relate to every change they go through, and even more difficult to handle the constant change in personalities. It's no different in my household. Although, I have been lucky enough to have my son willing to talk to me, willing to share not only thoughts and feelings, but how the emotional roller coaster feels. I'm hoping that I have done something right, in that he still talks to me about everything.

Having a teenager, with a first girlfriend, has been eye opening for me. The young lady he chose as a girlfriend is someone he's known since pre-school. She's such a sweetheart, beautiful, personable, and smart. They talk about everything under the sun. The are cute together. I didn't expect him to take being supportive of her to an extreme, but I know it means a lot to him...so, I am trying to be supportive of him. Although we are having to put in a few more rules, we are working with it. I know there are plenty that do not agree with us, or the way we are handling different situations with our kids, we are all just doing what we feel is right, for our individual circumstances.

I don't have a strict set of rules for the whole dating game. Maybe I should, but honestly, I believe in what we have taught and will teach our kids, and I know they will make the best decisions for them. As I said, my son and I have had a conversation or many for that fact, that have hinged on what I expect and hope for him and for his sister. The first and most important in my eyes is RESPECT! Respect each other, respect yourself, and respect your responsibilities. Be a gentleman/gentlewoman. You do not have to be laying a blanket over a mud puddle, but you better be opening doors, helping her put her coat on, and not interfering in her dreams/goals. I expect both my kids to behave with class. I don't want to see clothes being worn that are not respectful, I don't want the sexting thing to happen, period. I expect them to grow up following their dreams and goals, and anyone they end up with - I want them to not only accept that, but to encourage it....and to follow their own dreams and goals. Since we have begun the dating journey, we have had the sex talk. I have explained the importance of understanding the consequences of what can happen when people have sex, even with protection, and that sex is an that should only be shared between people that truly love each other...and it's not just a game, sex and love go hand in hand. I refuse to let him believe that that is a dirty subject, or that it's a bad thing, but we have discussed the importance of it. While he is currently adamant now about waiting until he's married, I know that this may change as he gets older. I am not blind or oblivious either. I was a teenager too. I do not believe in being dishonest with my kids, nor do I believe in pushing them in the way I want them to go.

I have seen too many kids that intentionally go against their parents wishes, just to prove a point when the parents are pushing too hard. Heck, I was one of those teenagers. I guess, even though my teenage years, were many years ago for me...I remember what I felt, and wanted to say or ask about, but was not comfortable enough to do so. Now, going through this with my oldest, has me juggling my own emotions carefully. While I would love nothing more for my kids to not have a boyfriend/girlfriend focus until they are a few years older, I am also fully aware that times have changed and I am adjusting to what I had hoped to have a few more years before having to deal with. It is what it is and I will not live my life, again, through my kids.

I can only hope, especially after listening to the other moms, that I will continue to be lucky enough to have open conversations with my kids. Hearing about the other moms expectations, and requirements, made me cringe and just shake my head. The high expectations they have for their kids, the high maintenance of some of their kids, the unrealistic thoughts some moms are placing on their kids...baffles me. I know my kids are not perfect, but they are good kids. They are respectful, honest, and not afraid to show their emotions. In our household; we hug, we say I love you, and we share thoughts. Anyone involved with our kids, will have to behave in a similar fashion, since that's how our kids are too.

I am glad that I have a great group of moms to visit with, even if we don't always agree. It makes me breathe a little easier knowing that we all go through the same thing, even if it's just a little different. I know we are unconventional, but I believe we are doing the best we can for our kids, minus a lot of drama. I can only hope that whomever our kids end up with, that they are just as amazing, respectful, classy, sweet and lovable as our kids are.

So, once again, I am off to get on with my day. I was just amazed at our topic of conversation this morning, and how different people's attitudes are when it comes to young people.
Have a beautiful day!
~Sal~

People Watching

If you haven't figured it out, I am a people watcher. I am always amazed at the personalities of different people. Between the personalities, opinions, physical appearance, and knowledge of people; I am always captivated. Being back into the field of bartending, has put me back into the unique position of people watcher and psychologist - all in one. I love what I am doing for a job, which is another topic that is unique. I've been really evaluating everything for about a year now, and the more I learn, the more questions I have. So, I am going to offer up my opinions on a few areas that have intrigued me lately.

People watching - some people call this by other names, but it's basically just being aware of those around you in the sense of physical appearance, and attitude. This is something I have done for so many years. I am always amazed by behavior, attitude, appearance, and lack of self-respect. The latter of these, has become so much worse over the past 20 years. The idea of building self-respect was introduced to me in high school. A class was offer through my high school, called "I can." It was simply a class offering to teach us how to respect ourselves and those around us. Although I loved the class, and am very firmly an advocate for having self-respect; I can't help but wonder if we haven't taken this concept too far. Everyone is so worried about other people's feelings that they neglect to take responsibility for personal actions. Children are being forced to become victims instead of standing up for themselves, and adults are becoming wishy-washy wimps. Everyone uses excuses for their behavior, attitude and personality; my parents were strict, my parents are divorced, I had a rough childhood, or whatever excuses there are...everyone uses an excuse. To some degree, the excuses we all use are accurate. However, too many don't take what they have learned to better themselves. These excuses may be the reason we allow ourselves to wallow in pity but these excuses can also be used to push ourselves to be the best people we can be. A driving force of sorts.

I know almost everyone is aware of the web site called people of Wal-Mart. In my eyes, these photos just prove a point. Not to mention, the insane amount of jealousy that I have heard about. It's amazing to me, all of this! I do not shop at that store often, but I am never disappointed, when I go in, that there will be plenty to watch. Do people really have so little respect for themselves that they dress in pajamas to shop, that they wear clothes half the size they need to be, they go without undergarments and have no right to do so, or allow their children to act like heathens? I don't care about the financial end of things, though I know I am told this has a lot to do with it. Personally, I rarely ever purchase brand new clothes...unless there is one heck of a big sale. I don't understand why people would allow their appearance to slip so badly. I don't care if you make $1000 a year or $1,000,000 a year, you should always look your best when you go out in public. I have always been told that you sell yourself, whether you are applying for a job, or making an impression. Why sell yourself short? Why degrade yourself so badly, and even make the possibility of a web site like that, to be possible?! I don't know anyone, that once they get dressed up, even if it's just in their best jeans and a nice shirt, that doesn't feel better - more confident.

I was always told you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. This goes right with the attitudes of people. I am a firm believer in treating others with respect, when it's earned, but also treating people nicely. Very rarely will you find me being an ass to someone without first trying to be nice. I will be nice first, and if that doesn't work, then I become more aggressive. However, watching people so much, I am finding the majority are just the opposite. Which just tells me, that folks are just out for themselves. As long as people are getting their way and others are jumping through hoops for them, they are happy, nice, and easy to work with. When the opposite happens, they are having to work toward their intended purpose, they are cruel, mean, and rude. Here is an idea, when something isn't right or going the way you want it to go, try being nice first! Try using common courtesy first and see if you can't just get a little further than jumping up and down like a monkey! Don't be disrespectful, so that the other person you are dealing with becomes defensive. Something that is always going through my head, whenever I deal with anyone, is that they may be going through any number of issues of their own - so treat them the way you are wanting to be treated! Pretty simple!

Opinions and knowledge go hand-in-hand. For any of you that talk to people, you know that everyone has an opinion and many times, their opinions are not based on knowledge. To me, when I think about some opinions, I think, wow - this person is really ignorant. Unfortunately, there is enough of a lack of education anymore, that people don't know the true definition of ignorant/ignorance. So, here's a Language Arts lesson for today -
IGNORANCE - ig-no-rance - NOUN - a lack of knowledge, understanding or education: the state of being ignorant.
For so many, their opinions are based on what their parents believed, what their jobs believe, what they just see on the news or hear from someone else. I guess, for me, I question everything! I never take what I hear, see on the news, or what anyone has said, without evidence. I will argue my point, but if there is something brought up that I am not aware of, I will go research it and if I am wrong...I will happily apologize and alter my opinion. However, never will I just follow what I am told. To me that is just asking for trouble. I really believe that without knowledge, you have nothing. I was raised that no education is ever a waste. I still believe this, to this day. The more I learn, the more I question, the more research I do, and the more knowledge I gain - and I can voice educated decisions, and opinions. I am not overly biased about anything. I will admit my own faults, errors and mistakes. I know no one is perfect, and we should all account for that...but why not educate yourself in areas that will allow you to better yourself?

People watching while I work, is always interesting; sometimes entertaining, and sometimes aggravating. Off and on, for the last 19 years, I have done some sort of bartending work. I love the work, the people and the uniqueness of each shift. Most bartenders will tell you, when you become a bartender - you also become a psychologist. Some folks come in to just unwind from their day, some come in just to eat, and others come in looking to talk about their life. I am kind of a strange breed of person, and in each of those circumstances, I enjoy the atmosphere. I grew up with a parent that drank, I had a couple of wild years myself, and now...I don't drink often nor do I drink a lot, but I wonder about the need for alcohol in such great amounts. I know that alcoholism is now diagnosed as a disease, but I can't help but wonder if it's used more to dull a pain or drown an underlying issue. Anyway, watching my customers now, I think about their unique personalities. Other bars I have worked in have had their own uniqueness, but the one I work in now...it's different in so many different ways. The people are not anything like most I have met. These folks are hard workers, they have spent most of their lives busting their backsides to make a living. Some are couples that come in an hang out together, some are there for a game or race, others are there to socialize. I have had the a great opportunity to meet so many of these folks, get to know them, and while it's a different atmosphere...it's the same as every other bar. There is drama, and games but there's something more. This is such a remote area, while people may not live that far apart, they don't gather but at the bar. We have a diverse crowd that ranges from children coming in with their parents for a good meal, to elders that come in to enjoy the camaraderie of friends. With such a small, rural area, you have a uniqueness and a bubble like area. It's difficult to break through the barrier of friendship in such small areas. It's also unique to be able to watch from an outsider view, before breaking through. For me, it has allowed me to see people not for just the persona they put out, but also for the person they are beneath that persona. I love my job, which I'm sure there are some who would love to judge me on that, but I do. I love laughing with my regular customers, I love some of the elders that come in and visit about their grandkids and my kids. I love the folks that come in to watch the games/race, the couples that come in together and visit with each other and you can see the respect they have for each other, and even the singles that come in are great. Some are a little different, but interesting none-the-less. I have a few that visit with me about issues in their lives, a few I have become friends with, and I love when new people come in and I am happy to share what I know about the beautiful area they are visiting. While I get along ok, with most of my co-workers, a few I have gotten closer to and have respect for. My 15 hours a week, may not sound like a lot, but it's plenty in my crazy schedule, is my time to enjoy people watching. It's my time to interact with other adults and have fun. When it's no longer fun, it's not worth being there. I know there are times it gets frustrating, whether it's customers or fellow workers, but honestly...the customers are always the best part of the job.

Is it just me, or has the ridiculous emotion of jealousy taken on a life of its own? I know in my psychology class, we were taught that jealousy, and insecurity were fueled by an individuals lack of respect or a degradation of self. Whatever. Personally, jealousy has never been an emotion I understood, let alone one that I dealt with. I was brought up to be independent and a strong person. That meant, to me, that it didn't matter what was going on...you depended on yourself, period. I have seen, through the years, when couples are jealous of people that the other talked to. Seriously, I don't get this. That type of insecurity, says more to me about that couple than anything else. No matter what the relationship status, I don't find a need to deal with jealousy. There are so many other issues couples face, and that one to me is pointless. The one issue that has recently come up, and has been a regular issue I've heard since I have been bartending, is either of the people(usually the men), come in complaining because their wife or girlfriend talks to another man or dances with another man. Always my first response is: SO? Do you know what the typical response is? "He/She is flirting with them." Again, my response is SO? I personally, still talk to most of my ex's. Honestly, I don't think that someone flirts, talks to, dances with or even visits with, someone of the opposite sex is an issue. I think it's amazing that people are so insecure that these little things become such a major issue. Real issues are agreeing finances, how to raise kids, where to live, or employment. I think society, as a whole, has become so needy, that we have lost sight of what's truly important. Fortunately, my husband and I do not deal with the jealousy/insecurity issues. He talks to women all the time. Whether they are ex-girlfriends, friends, or even just people we meet in different locations, and he flirts...although he says he's just being nice. :) It is what it is, and I think it's funny how nervous women get, when they see me with or realize I am there. Relax ladies...I have more respect for myself than to worry about that! I have always had more guy friends than girlfriends. So, I talk to guys a lot, I am a flirt to some degree, and that will never change. I will not ever tell my husband who he can or can not talk to. That is just wrong, disrespectful and pathetic...in my eyes. Maybe, that is the underlying issue with jealousy, disrespect in relationships. I don't know, but I know it seems to be ramped anymore. It seems to me, to be a complete waste of energy. My husband and I have had our share of difficulties, but not a single one of them has stemmed from jealousy or insecurity. While I have seen fights break out, and spouses fight amongst themselves because of jealousy, it's always such a waste of time to me. For those that read this, and most are women, here's a little advice that I learned MANY years ago!: If you have a boyfriend or husband, don't be petty. If he talks to another woman, dances with another woman or even flirts...let it go! Just like kids, if you are continually pushing them away from something or someone...that is the direction they are naturally going to go. It's like hearing so many accused of having affairs. Seriously??? Do you think, by constantly accusing someone of having an affair, or even constantly telling them not to do something, it's going to work in YOUR favor? It's not, all you are doing is pushing the person in your life, in that direction. You can only be accused of something for so long, before that's exactly what is going to happen. That brings me to one more tidbit that I have learned through the years. When someone is accusing someone else of having an affair...typically it's because the one accusing has done that exact thing.

I am not very old in years on this Earth, but I have learned a lot by watching/listening to people. I have learned a lot through research, but honestly people are the best sources of information. You can learn a lot by hearing both sides of a story...even if you just end up piecing pieces of information together to find a partial story. You can learn so much by just keeping quiet, watching, listening and observing. If we were completely honest with ourselves, we would all know most of this.

I think if more people were to respect themselves, there would be so fewer issues. Rather than be jealous, have respect for yourself and your partner. Rather than dress like slobs, whenever you will be in public...dress nice...you only get ONE chance to make a first impression! Rather than mindlessly following the crowd, research and educate yourself. Rather than hating your job, or drudging through it, find a way to enjoy it. You have to have an income anyway, you might as well find a job/career you love, and one you can enjoy.

Just a few thoughts, from my people watching. I have always enjoyed doing that, but what better way to learn to love what you do, than to find something that makes a job fun. Try people watching some time. Go to a mall, restaurant, bar, whatever...and just sit back and observe. Listen to conversations, and interactions. It's quite educating sometimes!

Salli

My thoughts needing a voice this morning.

As much as I love my kids, and I am very proud of the people they are becoming, they are not perfect! They can be overwhelming, mouthy, have too much of an attitude, they can be disrespectful when they are trying to stand up for themselves without meaning to, and the list could go on! Even with their uniqueness though, I love who my kids are. They are not your typical kids...then again, I was never a typical child either. I get frustrated with them when they start behaving like me(HA! Yes, my parents curse hit me too!), I get angry that they act out at home and show some ugly sides that fortunately they do not show in public, but I have been sitting back and listening and watching them grow, change, and start questioning not only emotions but actions too.

My kids amaze me. Even when we are hitting heads. While my kids are so different in age, I believe every child has their own individual personality anyway. My oldest is a teenager...I know that says a lot within itself. He is a history buff, very firm in his beliefs, and a very unique young man. He has the typical teenage emotional roller coaster. When things don't go as he would like, he tends to get too overwhelmed, too quick. He is a gentleman, and has good manners, but tends to forget he's only 14. Our youngest, while she is your typical youngest child, she is a spitfire! She loves to perform, is always singing, has a temper that has a very short fuse, and is more than happy to stand up for herself. She's a tough little thing, but is just as sweet as any treat you will find. My kids are truly at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to personalities: reserved/conservative and free spirit. It's funny how my kids remind me of myself at different stages in my life...my daughter is just like I was years ago, while my son is more like I am now.

I am having to adjust to my kids being involved in more activities lately. My schedule is pretty tight and full anyway, and then you throw in extra activities and my schedules are overflowing. It's been about a month now, of throwing in extra activities and I still can not get my daily schedules organized enough to get things done. When I can't get organized in some aspect of my life, it throws me into a tailspin. I know I have said this before, but I can't even begin to tell you how much this frustrates me. I have not had a lot of control over much in my life for many years, and I can tell you, that does not bode well for me. I need control in some aspect of my life for me to feel comfortable.

My schedules and lists are what keep me focused and fulfilling goals. When I can't get my lists/schedules completed, I don't get my goals accomplished. Then I become even more irritable and restless. I have really been evaluating myself a lot lately. I know I am a different person than I was 20 years ago, and different even from the person I was a year ago. I am doing things everyday that I know are bettering myself but there are so many areas that I still need to work on. I am not blind to my faults, nor am I focus solely on them. However, there are areas that have me perplexed as to when they changed. I will get it all figured out, I have no doubt, but it is taking time. I am not one who gives up easily anymore, so I have no doubt that I will bounce back and be a better person than ever once I do.

I know some of my stress is from the uprooted feeling I have felt for several years now. In 2010, we had agreed to purchase a home and a piece of acreage that we would have to wait about a year for. It worked for us, at the time, so we could save a little and pay off a few things. After nearly a year and half, the deal fell through. We had spent that year and a half packing and getting everything ready to move, and told the guy we were renting from that we would be moving in August of 2011. When the original deal fell through, we were at the end of September 2011, and the house we were living in had been re-rented and they were waiting for us to move out. We were in a bad position, and were looking at about 30 days to be out of that house without anywhere to go. Fortunately, we were able to get the place we have now, and take it from a hayfield to having a home in about 30 days. What I didn't plan on, was the chaos that would follow. Trying to get unpacked, organize a home smaller than what we had, no storage area, and still have work/school schedules to keep, and the thrown in livestock to learn from the get-go. I went from living in town, to living in the country, to living on a farm over the course of 12 years. I was lost, ignorant to how farm life worked, and no girlfriends around to vent to. I was further in the country than I had ever been, coming down from the chaos of a 30 day build, coming into the holiday season with boxes sitting every where imaginable, and terrified I would never be able to learn how to handle the life we wanted. While I am not a housekeeper, I prefer a clean house. I can't handle clutter well at all, and that is how we have lived for years. I prefer a utilitarian lifestyle, where everything you have serves a purpose and has a place, that isn't realistic with kids and animals. I have had to learn to deal with clutter, deal with toys everywhere, and the unorganized chaos that is our lives....yep, have somewhat learned to tolerate that too. However, I do not like it. With all the clutter and chaos, it makes my brain feel cluttered and chaotic too. So, when all the extras started getting thrown in, it has sent me into orbit!

We began our remodeling projects in February. Talk about biting off more than we could chew....it's been hell! This year, we started with the master bath. That was a long, drawn out project that went from simple surface remodeling to a major overhaul, and ended up taking almost 4 months instead of the planned 2. We moved on to the master bedroom. That went fairly smooth until it came time for paint. We bought a gallon of paint, that we didn't know had been frozen, but it had and when I got the whole room painted...it started peeling. So, I peeled what I could and re-sanded all the rest. I was told that would solve the problem and then I just had to re-paint the room. So, I did and now, there are 3 spots that have peeled off again. So, I have to attempt to repaint, again, without getting it on the new carpet - before we can finish trimming it out. We decided that we needed to get the new addition on, so we would have room to put furniture, out of the way, before we could move on with other projects. We spent a week putting up the new addition and getting it closed in, only to find that we were coming up on our oldest's birthday, and had to have the house looking at least a little presentable. We managed....barely! We rushed to get the new roof put on after finding 2 leaks, and it still isn't completely finished...but it's super close. We have the new furnace set, the lines run to the house, the electric run to the shed, and the old furnace out. We are down to just 2 remaining windows to put in before we can get to work on the siding. We have to buy another water heater, one actually big enough to allow more than 1 shower to be taken every 4 hours, then we can hook up the furnace. We still have to get wood cut, to run the furnace, but that will happen when the furnace is ready. We are just a month and a half from Thanksgiving, and just about 2 months from Christmas, and we have so much to get finished so our house is not a complete pig stye for the holidays. I am trying to be patient as we work around everything else we have going on, it's getting more difficult as the year comes to an end. I am getting tired of feeling unsettled and having paths through our house. I know we will get everything finished, and when we are finished, I will love it. Right now though, I am trying to not be pushy and bitchy about everything we still need to finish. I am pretty sure I am failing at that, miserably, but fortunately, my husband has been pretty tolerable of me so far.

The few things that bring me peace, have been put on hold for a little while. It's not that I wouldn't love to be doing them, but unfortunately, there is not enough hours in a day to do the things I want to, the things I need to or keep up with my kids schedules, and still keep other projects moving along. I am pretty easy to please. I don't need a bunch a jewelry, or brand new anything. I prefer the antiques, and a simple life. I love my photography, love taking hikes, I love my horses and building furniture. I love working in my gardens, and landscaping. Even though I have severely neglected it for far too long, I love to see my family and friends, in my hometown. I have not taken the time I need to, to allow the time I need to with them. For several years, my trips home have been for weddings, funerals or some other major milestone. Years ago, I would take off for 3-4 days to spend time with family and friends up there. Then, I became like so many others, and used the pathetic excuse of there just isn't enough time. The past few years have shown me what I knew and never really took account of...life is short, and those that we love won't be around forever. While I am fortunate that we live close to my husband's family...I have not only neglected my family, but just assumed(like so many others), that they will always be there. I used the excuses that so many have: I don't have the time, I don't have the money(that we seem to find when it's something like a funeral), I can just send a text or make a phone call, they know I am thinking of them, I can't make the trip because not all of us can go, and the list goes on!

The past few years, have been reshaping my thought process, dramatically! When I look at my parents, I see the people that raised me. I see the people that my kids call Grandma and Grandpa. I see my siblings and even my aunts and uncles, that I grew up with, I see some of my truest and dearest friends that I love like family, I see years wasted that I could have spent a little more time with and even allowed my kids to know and remember, and I see years passing by that I will never get back. My life is here, and my home is here, but a huge chunk of my life; my very roots are not. The people that gave me life, the ones that taught me and watched me grow, the ones that stood by my side through thick and thin; are the ones I have neglected. The friendships, the bonds of family, the roots of my existence are 400 miles away and I can't make more than 1 or 2 times a year, for them? It's not acceptable, it's not respectful and honestly...it's weighed very heavily on me for several years. Yes, finances are tight for everyone and everyone is busy with their own lives, but what good comes of working yourself to death and being so financially strapped that those you love are pushed to a back burner, for when it's convenient or when someone passes or gets married. You know, it hit me hard last month, when we had to make a trip home for another funeral. One set of my aunt and uncle, had never met my husband. How pathetic is that? We have been married for 15 years, and they had never met him until last month. This was one of many moments of clarification during my last trip home.

Sometimes, at least for me, you rush to grow up. You can't wait until you are 18 and get away from home, and leave your family behind. You can't wait to be "grown up," and handling your life your way. Some of us, to be able to actually start a life of our own, pack up and move far enough away from family that no matter what we do, they will never know. We are taught as children that once you are 18, you are expected to move out, go to college, get married, or just get your own life started in general. Why is this? I don't know a single 18 year old that knew what the heck life was about at 18. Let alone how they were expected to start building a life, a career, or find a job; all while trying to go to college, manage a home of their own, and learn the importance of maintaining relationships. Now, in such a technological era, it's even worse. People today, myself included, have difficulty maintaining a conversation in person because everything is handled online, and through cell phones. While I would not want to go back to my younger years, I can't help but be curious what would have been different if I wouldn't have left home at 18, wouldn't have felt rushed to grow up and felt pushed into being an adult. It all just feels really wrong to me. I love my kids, and I want them to stay at home until they feel they are completely ready to handle a life of their own. I want them to be able to ease into adulthood because once they get there, it can be overwhelming and suck....but it can also be the most electrifying experience ever. I want my kids to start out on a more solid foundation than I did.

I can't help but miss my family and friends back home. My parents are the reason I am in this world, my aunts and uncles taught me so much and I remember playing cops and robbers in the yard with my youngest uncle. My siblings have gotten older, and I don't get nearly enough time with any of them. My dearest friends, their lives move on a crazy speeds like mine, but I miss our connections, conversations, multiple pots of coffee, and solving the problems of the world. I miss the time I have spent away from all of them, and knowing that we are all aging and that in the blink of an eye, any one of us could be gone. I have seen, so many times, the phrase "the biggest regrets in life aren't the things we have done, but instead the things we haven't done." I can resonate with this! I do not regret a single thing I have done in my life, however, I do regret that I have not taken more time for my family and friends. I would never waste so much time away when it came to my kids, why on Earth have I done it with those that mean just as much to me?! I know I hear that it's just life. I know I hear and say; I don't have the time, I don't have the money, I can't take the time off work, yada, yada. Why do we all use excuses? We may not have the time, money, or whatever; yet we find the time, money and time off when there's something massive. We get so rooted in our everyday lives, that we forget what's truly important.

I am finding that my own thoughts have drifted to family/friend bonds over the past few years. I know that if I truly needed them, I would be able to call on my family. I know that I have a few friends that I could call on, anytime, and they would be there, even if it was just to vent through the phone. I also know, that some of my dearest friends have had some drama and issues beyond their control in their lives, and I am here for them. While I can't always be near my family and friends, I need to make the time and the money available, to be near them more. I have a good life here, but I miss my family and friends back home, and those ties that bind us....can never be broke. I have plenty of excuses why I shouldn't make another trip up home, but with every ounce of my being, I know I need to. I just told my husband yesterday, that I need a couple of days to myself. I need to iron out some of the chaos that is cluttering my head. I am wondering if those couple of days, maybe I need to make a trip home.

I hate feeling guilty when I do things I need to, for myself. I don't deal with being questioned about every aspect of my thoughts, because they are different from most. I have seen so many women who do things to extremes, yet I am just wanting a little bit of time for myself, a little bit of time for my marriage, and a lot of time with my kids. I began working part-time to allow a little extra money in our budget to cover things we wanted to do/see. That has cut into my time with my kids. That has been an adjustment for both the kids and myself. I am having to depend on my mother-in-law to get my oldest to his girlfriends cheerleading events, and my daughter to her dance classes when I can't make them. I have never dealt with having to depend on anyone well. Many times lately, I feel like I am being pushed out of their lives. It's not by anyone, but now that I am working, it's because I can not be there for them like I have always been. I am watching my kids grow, change, and become interested in areas that they really hadn't been, until recently. While I am not overly thrilled that my son has a girlfriend at 14, she is a beautiful young lady and is exceptionally smart. The two of them are the best of friends and have been basically since pre-school. I will not tell him he can't have a girlfriend, or that he can't go support her activities, but we will tell him that if his responsibilities at home and to his school work are not being met, he will spend a week grounded each time he slacks. My daughter has taken an interest in dancing. So, this obviously thrills me to no end. I would love for her to love dance as much as I did, and still do. That is another thing, I will not push though. I refuse to re-live my life through my kids. The choices they make, will be their choices. The will be choices that they are educated about, and the results/consequences of those choices will reflect on them. Yes, I know my thinking is not the normal way. I know my kids are given more freedom than most, and that our means of educating them about life are not normal. However, we are doing what we feel is right, for our kids.

I know so many have given me static because my world revolves around my kids. I hear, "you shouldn't allow your kids to do one thing or another, or you should put your foot down and make them do this or that." You know, maybe that is ok for some, but it does not work for me. Aside from the fact that I am with my kids 24/7, and I pick my battles. I also believe that kids are a lot smarter than they are given credit for...and I have been proven right, more times than not. Whenever a decision is made that affects our kids, we talk to them. We explain the situation, we explain the possibilities, and we explain what we hope to get accomplished. We make all the final decisions, but we take into account, our kids thoughts as well. In our household, our kids are given respect and a voice. While we may not agree with their thoughts, and ultimately, we are still the parents, they are given the opportunity to speak their minds. While I do enjoy the conversations my husband and I have without little ears, I look forward to hearing my kid's thoughts too.

So, as I venture into my day, I have once again been able to put words to some of the thoughts that run through my over-active brain. As I move forward with my day, I know the thoughts will continue, as they always do, but I know my outlet of writing has given me a few minutes to get a few thoughts out of my head, even if for just a little while!

Salli