Understanding "Me"

Through the years of marriage, kids, and life; you can easily find yourself off track. You can become wrapped up in being someone's wife, someone's mom, kids activities, keeping up with birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, and the generalized life expectations. After years of being everything to everyone, you can easily lose track of you. The person you are, may not be the person you want to be, or need to be. You may have a burning desire, deep in your chest for some passion you have let go of to be who you needed to be for so long. You may be like so many, this day in age, that have pushed your own wants and needs so far back to allow for your kids or spouse to have their wants and needs; that you feel trapped. You will either have support from those who love you to try or pursue your own passions, or you will get all kinds of grief. There doesn't seem to be much in between. Maybe, you once loved to do something and have tried to do it again; only to find that you don't love it as much anymore. Maybe you are itching to have some new experiences, but have held back out of fear, or lack of direction. DO IT!

I have been a wife for 16 years, a mom for 15 years, and made some massive changes in my life. Not only did I move from a large town to rural America; I moved out of state, 300 miles from where I grew up. It may not sound like a long distance, but it's comparable to 2 different worlds. It's as different as night and day! I married a great guy from the area, but never anticipated the canyon of differences between us, our up bringing, and our families. Somehow, we have made it this far, and the differences now are more like a dip in the Earth. Becoming a Mom, after years of miscarriages, was amazing! However, a year and 3 months of marriage, had not yet prepared us for the shift our lives would take after having a baby. Our marriage was bad for the first 7 years, at best! Adjusting to life style changes for me, adjusting to each of our stubborn ways; when neither of us was willing to give an inch, adjusting to a having a baby that cried all the time, were just a few of life's lessons we had to learn. After we finally found some solid ground, we were given yet another surprise. Our youngest. 8 years after we had our oldest, 7 years after my cancer and being told once again I could not have anymore children, our youngest made a rapid appearance in our world. Then we had to adjust our lives once again. I had to adjust my life. I was terrified to start all over. Needless to say, our youngest has definitely given us a run for our money! It's amazing how 2 kids from the same parents, can be so entirely different in personality, and attitude. The oldest is laid back, easy going and thrives on learning something new. The youngest, wow! She is high strung, independent, strong-willed, and know EVERYTHING! With 8 1/2 years between them, I am realizing how much easier it was to handle kids when I was 8 1/2 younger! More times than not, our youngest and I hit heads. Her attitude and personality are a younger version of me, unfortunately. :-) I love my kids, more than anything in this world. I would do anything humanly possible to help them, but by doing so, I have let go of me. By trying to be the best wife possible, and learn a world that I did not grow up, one that is completely foreign to anything I had ever seen, I let go of me. I became fully immersed in the roles I had to play, Mom & wife. Yes, even in that order.

What I'm learning, and have found that I have neglected, first and foremost, is me. This was not a conscience decision, it just kind of happened. First, I was transitioning as a wife. This was not all that easy for me. Sharing space, time and decisions, has never been a good or easy thing for me. Honestly, I have been set in my own ways for as long as I can remember. I have always had my thoughts about the way things should go, happen, and be. I gave my own parents a run for their money with my independence, from such a young age. Then came the time to be married, in a different state, a different way of life, dividing time with families, and dealing with decisions I had no control over...made life really rocky! My own expectations were high, I still believed in the theory of "happily ever after," and thought I should have the fairy tale life. I was the outsider in the world I was living. I was and to some degree am still considered the "city girl." Just as when I was younger, I was out to prove myself capable. The more I tried to prove myself, the more I felt outside my elements. Like I said before, I have always been strong-willed, hard headed and set in my ways. During a time that would have been so easy to walk away from everything, and never look back; I took the challenge to prove I was not only able to live this life, but to do so successfully. There were plenty of times I was ready to give up, and walk away. I didn't have anyone to talk to, no one to really help me through the massive changes my life was taking. At the time, I had a husband who was just as hard headed as I was, and just as set in his ways. We argued all the time. His thoughts were, I was going to bitch at him whether he was home or gone, so he just stayed gone. I was completely lost, and felt really alone. I learned to depend on myself, and struggled through the loneliness that I had never felt before. I didn't fit bill for the life I was married into. I know this. Even to this day, I don't fit the bill of what is considered "normal." I have never fit that bill! Like I said, I have always had my own thoughts, always followed my own path, and had my own opinions. I follow my own path, my own thoughts, and my own beliefs. This has caused me a lot of headaches, but I am not willing to give up all of myself, completely! I could have handled the early years of my marriage a lot better, but I didn't. I was unhappy, out of my element, and everyone was going to pay for it. I really don't believe it was intended that way, but it worked out that way. I learned even before our marriage, who I could trust and who I couldn't. Trust to me, trustis not something that can ever be rebuilt fully, once it's been broken. I have been through a lot of bad situations in my life, when people I should have been able to trust, let me down. Since I was 14/15 years old, I have not trusted easily. Once that trust is broke...it's gone. Some situations, I can build a different type of relationship, others I can't and won't. Many times, I try to give the benefit of doubt. Some have worked and some have not. You can only be let down so many times, before you let go of even trying. Honestly, I learned early in life, how to shut down my emotions. I learned caring too much left you wide open for being hurt. I learned the unfortunate lesson that there is only ever 1 person you can fully depend on, yourself. With that thought though, you can let yourself down, by not being fully who you are as a person. When you try so hard to fit into a life that is not yours, you change. Whether you do so willingly and with full understanding, you do so to fit into a life you think you want with no real knowledge of what you are getting into, or you do so expecting to change that life into something you do want; you are changing you. For me, the 2 last thoughts, in the prior sentence, fit me.

I tried to fit into a life I didn't have a clue about. I thought I could remain the person I was, and the life I didn't have a clue about would change to include me. For years, neither was working. I tried to change my husband to fit what I thought he should be, we lived basically the life he had always lived, and I did not fit. I had difficulties adapting to being in the middle of no where with no one else to talk to. I quit going home to visit because it just kept reminding me how much I missed interacting with people on a regular basis. I began withdrawing from everything and everyone, a little at a time. I always went along with my husbands ideas and plans. I never gave him an ultimatum to give up the things he enjoyed or else. I didn't feel it was right to do that, even though that is exactly what I did. Except that it wasn't just hobbies and activities I gave up...it was my family and friends. I gave up the only life I had ever known, gave up spending time with my family and friends, and any of the hobbies I had; to fit in this life. I was becoming bitter and resentful. I had the convoluted idea that marriage was a 50/50 relationship, and the partners worked together to make their lives their own. For years, I gave everything I had to give, including my own identity. I was a Mom first, so in my eyes, I did what I had to do for the best interest of my child. I stuck it out because I felt my child should not have to feel like ping pong ball between divorced parents...been there, done that!

There have been times that the resentful feeling I dealt with years ago, comes back to bite me. Even though my life, overall, is better now, there is a resentment that pops up. Now, I take full responsibility for allowing myself to become this shell of a person that I have become, but there are times I could easily blame everyone else! It's a constant tight rope walk to be honest, not accuse/blame someone else for making me feel like I don't matter, and to accept that I have allowed too much of what I deal with to go on, for too long. To be honest, my husband has never asked me to give up anything. He has, for the most part, supported me through everything. When we made the decision for me to be a stay-at-home-mom, I knew our finances would be tight. For years, and even today, we live on one income. Most times, we are barely able to make ends meet, and sometimes we have to borrow from Peter to pay Paul. It's been a constant struggle in our marriage, in regards to finances. For me, it's always been my responsibility to try to juggle the budget. Any conversations about money, budgets or finances in general have always led to arguments, and me feeling like a failure, when I can't make ends meet. For years, I quit doing things, so my husband could do the things he wanted to do. There was no way of making an $8 hourly wage pay for bills, and 2 hobbies. So, I quit. We finally got a jump to $10 hourly wage, moved to a new area, and we weren't doing too bad until I decided to try to work too. Even though I was working, when my pay checks didn't bounce, it wasn't covering the extra cost of both of us working. I was working to pay for working. It was stupid! Once our oldest was quite a bit older, I worked a few hours each week outside of home. It was just a few miles from home, so the extra expenses weren't much. If need be, I could take our child with me too. It worked for awhile. By that point in time though, I had already spent the better part of 7 years, isolated from people. After 6 months of working, and having to deal with people one-on-one, and an obnoxious manager, I gave that up too. Shortly after that, I found out about our youngest little person. Then, once again, the finances got tight, my time was divided between 2 very needy children, and feeling more lost by the day. The early months of our youngest child's life were spent with doctors, and tests, only to find a ton of allergies and almost losing her at 4 months to vaccine side effects. Then our oldest was dealing with being physically bullied at school, a school district that had their hands tied and couldn't do much, and eventually beginning the journey into home schooling. Then we had the fall out of the bulling, and his allergy testing coming back almost as bad as our youngest child's. Then we had to make even bigger changes. We had to do the best we could for our kids. Fortunately, my husband and I were finally on the same page, at that point. We were talking more and finding out that our own beliefs weren't as different as we once thought. We made a huge transition in our diets, began home school for the oldest, and once again, I was home full time with both kids. I went back to school after the health issues with our youngest to learn more about natural and holistic health. I studied everything I could study, learned every allergy trigger I could find, and learned how to care for my children's health issues through a holistic approach, since the conventional establishment could not find an effective treatment for people with the allergies my kids had. We have had a lot of grief over the way we have handled raising our kids(mostly me.). By not following the paradigm of what is considered normal, everyone has an opinion(and is happy to voice it) about what we are doing or doing wrong. It is my job as their mom, to do what I feel is best for their health, schooling, happiness and life. Until they are 18, they are put in my care, and since we all know kids do not come with an instruction manual, we all just do the best we can. Had the issues we face daily not come up, we would have probably lived a somewhat, "normal," life...by other peoples standards. BUT, I will always do what I think is best for the 2 precious children of mine! No matter what ANYONE else believes. We have had plenty of peanut gallery advice about what our kids should or should not be doing. Our kids are great kids. Even with attitude problems on occasion, they are growing up to be amazing people with hearts of gold! They are smart, funny, outgoing, independent, and free-thinkers. They are not followers.

Yes, my kids are my entire world. I could talk about them forever. However, in all these years of being a doting mom, I have let myself down. I have given every ounce of me to my kids, and to a much lesser degree to my husband. I rarely ever take time for me, to do things I love, pursue my passions or even try new things that interest me. Once the bills are paid, and groceries bought...any finances left go to my family's wants and needs. With 2 growing kids, the groceries add up, as do the clothing expenses of 2 kids growing like weeds all the time. Then what's left of that goes to my husband and son's hobbies...hunting. Whether it's deer, turkey, squirrel, or coyote; that eats up everything that may be left...and sometimes more. I love that my kids and husband have something they love to do, even if it's not my cup tea. I would never tell them they had to stop. However, somewhere we need to make some adjustments. I stay home basically all the time. Even though I love the peace and safety being at my home brings, I miss being around people once in a while. I will always look forward to being home, but I miss dancing, visiting, hiking, having long talks over coffee with my best friend, visiting with my family and being around my hometown. Trips home are usually short and spent running from one place to another. Usually they consist of some monumental reason for being there; either funerals, weddings, graduation party. Rarely do I get to spend more than 48 hours home, sight seeing, visiting with friends, or just relaxing. Typically we are there for a reason, and do what we need to with a few flying visits to other family members before coming back home. To make a trip back to my hometown area, is such a pain anymore. Having livestock and pets, makes leaving home, really difficult! We have to find someone to take care of not only our livestock chores, but our pets too. Not to mention the cost! We have spent time staying with both sets of my parents, and my brother; but we really need space of our own. So, a weekend trip back home consists of a hotel, fuel and trying to eat as close to our regular diets as possible. A 48 hour trip is usually a $500 expense. That's a lot of money in my budget. So, trips home are usually once a year, unless an emergency comes up.

Finding myself or rediscovering myself, which ever way you look at it, has been a long journey. Until 3 years ago or so, I could bury stirrings in my soul to return to the real me. If I didn't talk about them, I could ignore them. It was when I began to talk about them, that started the spark, that has once again lit a fire in my belly. Now, I don't want to put that fire out anymore! I don't want to hide my true self anymore. I don't want to deal with stupidity, ignorance or back stabbers anymore. I don't care that I don't fit into the tiny, nicely packaged form that everyone else feels they need to fit into. My package is thrown together, with dips and dives, parts sticking out in every direction and wrapped half-assed in the wildest most expressive colors you could ever imagine. When I allow myself to shine, I love who I am. I love that free spirit has not been lost...just covered for several years. I love that my gypsy soul is still so eager to learn new things, experience new things, and is aching to explore. I love that I, in no way, fit into any kind of mold! I am who I am, who I am!!!! I will never be a southern belle, I will never be prim and proper, and I sure as hell will never blindly follow the masses! I am intelligent, curious, cryptically funny(dry humor!), loyal to those loyal to me, a good mom, try to be a good wife, and above all; I am worth a lot to me! I have had to tame my wild personality for many years, and it has taken it's toll. I can not keep holding back anymore though. There will be plenty that tell me I am too old, it's not appropriate, or whatever; guess what...until you are sleeping with me, paying my bills, or raising my kids...all I can say is, BUTT OUT! I am not your typical timid woman that believes in the 1950's way of life. I have a brain, I have an education, and I have a lot of opinions!

I am pushing forward for me. I refuse to stay on the path I have been on. I do not want my son to believe treating a woman as inferior is ever acceptable or my daughter to believe she is ever less capable than any man. It's time to get back to leading by example! Men and women alike, need to be respectful to each other. I am adventuring into some of my newly found passions, and returning to some old ones as well. I have spent a couple of years now, learning and loving taking pictures. I love to capture natures beauty through pictures. I'm not good by any means, but I love it just the same. It's peaceful to me, to be able to mess around with colors and settings. Trying to catch the beauty of nature. Just being in nature is peaceful to me. I love to write. I enjoy my blogs, and love the continued rise of page reads. However, I want to get back to writing more about our homesteading life, our home school adventures, my cooking/baking adventures, and even my coffee chats. I am still struggling to get through my latest schooling adventure. I have hit a snag of not enough quiet time, not being able to concentrate and losing my determination. I will complete it, but it's frustrating. I returned to making furniture the last year. I don't think there is anything more rewarding than to use your hands to build something that can be passed down through the generations. It's rewarding, it's exciting, and it's a remarkable feeling knowing you have created something so beautiful. I love the planning, drawing, designing, and building. I love creating something from the basic draft of my pathetic drawing skills! I love to read! Every book have read, transports me into a whole new world. Some have been majestic, some mysterious, and some romantic. Reading opens the door to living multiple lives while staying in one location. I have loved to cook and bake for years. I love trying new recipes, altering old recipes, and inventing new dishes out of whatever I can find. I love to bake to Christmas! Cookies, pies, cakes, fudge, and candies. I try to make goodies to give to our neighbors every year at Christmas time, and we have had a couple of Christmas open houses, where the kids and I cook/bake and we have counters full of our favorite Christmas treats. It's my favorite time of year, and I love to share the spirit when I can.

I have always loved Christmas. However, the past few years, Christmas has become kind of a dreaded time. I hate the materialistic side of it that has emerged. The cost of gift giving, the continuous commercials aimed at kids, the battle of dividing time for extended families...it's all become a chore. Having kids at home, it's not fair to them to ask them to open their gifts, then clean up so they have to leave to get more gifts(none of which they need - they already have too much!), and by the time the day is over; everyone is tired, are majorly on a sensory overload, and so tired they begin misbehaving. Then by the time you are back home, they want to play with their new stuff at home, and it becomes a late night and throws off their schedules and routines. Everyone becomes crabby and over tired. It's chaos. That is not what a holiday should be, to me. Gift giving is ridiculous! There is no reason to give to everyone in the family...that is asking too much of everyone! I would rather no one give gifts, and just spend time together. Will that ever happen? Probably not! I have not spent Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family in 8 years. We usually end up doing Christmas with them sometime from January to March. I miss it, even though it's chaos too. To me, holidays are about family. It's spending time as a family, enjoying good food and togetherness. Not running off to shop, running off to some sort of other activity. For years now, Thanksgiving weekend, has been a weekend we bake, put up our Christmas tree, and start decorating for Christmas. I had loved this tradition with our kids. As the years have past, and the past few years of my own disinterest in it all, the tradition is becoming non-existent. I guess many traditions have changed, and in turn, my own interest in holiday's has become less.

I'm trying to understand me, and all the different aspects of who I am and what I want. It's hard for me to accept myself as anything less than the expectations I have for myself. Yes, my standards and expectations are high. They are high for myself, and for those I let into my life. I can't stand people that lie, that give and take back, people that stab me or anyone else in the back and most of all, I can't stand to be around people that are conniving, or think it's cute to act stupid. To me, these types of people either have a low self-esteem or aren't smart enough to recognize the value they could add to their life or the life someone around them. The whole air-headed behavior just gets under my skin, instantly! It takes someone pretty special to be able to handle being around me. I know this. I have also figured out, there aren't many that can qualify. I don't force my beliefs on anyone, but I won't tolerate others beliefs forced on me either!

I know I am a handful, at best. Stubborn, hardheaded, strong-willed, opinionated, independent, free-thinking; just to name a few of my "hard to handle" personality traits. However, if you treat me with respect, are loyal to me, and don't lie to me; I can be a great ally. Throughout my life, I have given a lot of second chances. Many of those were mistakes. The older I get, the less I am giving. You can only give so many chances, before you are being taken for granted. I won't be taken for granted or disrespected anymore. That is just one aspect that has opened the door to being treated like a door mat. I can only allow people in my life, from this point on, that will be respectful, loyal, honest, and accepting of who I am. I have allowed my standards to drop for years, and it's led to a lot of disappointment. Now, all I can say is, Step up to meet my standards or stay away. It's hard enough to stay true to myself in a world full of conformists, without dealing with those that are nice to my face, while sticking a knife in my back.

I have learned so much about myself over the last several years. While there are areas that I didn't have much control over, there was no reason for me to allow myself to pulled down to that level. There are plenty of areas that would be so easy for me to blame others for some of the emotional turmoil I have experienced, but without my response to their pathetic behavior, they wouldn't have had any control over mine. I won't blame anyone for issues that have come up for years, but I am taking back control of my life. If something doesn't feel right to me, it won't be happening. If someone treats me poorly, I will not be around them anymore. Anyone that disrespects me will be cut out of my life. I'm not saying everyone must agree with me, my life or my decisions; but belittling, snide remarks, or outright stupidity won't be tolerated. I am well aware of mistakes I have made, that some of my decisions are not "normal", and that my opinions are well outside the realm of modern. I've come to the conclusion that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one! That being the case, I won't rip your opinions apart, and I expect the same respect!

I'm learning more about me everyday! This is just the beginning. I like the direction I am heading, finally. I am beginning to like myself again, without discounting my flaws, mistakes and unpopular opinions. I like who I am, and who I am becoming.

Just the beginning!
Salli

I'm not angry anymore.

For years I have gotten angry over things that have gone against my plans, thoughts, and ideals. I have held on to that anger and let it changed my typical demeanor of trying to find a positive learning experience from all things in my life, into one of constant anger. I have let the ignorance and stupidity of others affect my own persona.

The past 4 years have been a time of growing for me. For whatever reason, my own growth - spiritual, mind, body and soul; has taken a pretty wild ride. I have shared so much through my blogs, but there is an entire of world of stuff, that I have not. Some of it has been too personal, and some of it is just not shared to spare any more uprising with some I have to be around on a regular basis. These years of growing in leaps and bounds, is still continuing, but on more of an even ground now.

The anger, disappointment, judgments, and outside influence; has waned. It has become just white noise, back ground noise. The lessons I have learned, however, are forefront in my brain though. Instead of anger, I am now turning to the acceptance of other emotions. So many times, the anger I felt toward a situation or person, was more of disappointment, or disbelief. So many years of letting others use me as a door mat, or verbal beating post; shut me down. It left me feeling like I was never good enough, never accepted, was always making a wrong choice, or being the brunt of judgment. As the past 4 years have shown me, not only did I begin to shut down, withdraw, and close off my heart and life to everyone; it has also shown me that many of those I have associated with are the ones not worthy of my time. It's through my own growth, that I have realized that when someone has to make someone else feel so poorly; it's the one behaving so poorly that has the problem. The trouble with those that behave so badly, are typically the ones who have a low self-esteem, or who are so miserable they feel it necessary to make others miserable with them. This goes completely against the type of person, I had been most of my life. However, after years of hearing such rubbish, you begin to believe it. You begin to question your worth, your value, and your choices. You end up falling into their trench with them. Your own aura, and mind set, throws you into the same wave length as those who are miserable. Then the snowball effect takes over. They are miserable, negative, and have no self-esteem; therefore you begin to lose yours. You begin attracting those types of people instead of the true types of people you are meant to attract. Your entire person has been led off track by the people commonly referred to as "energy vampires." These are the people that within minutes of being around drain your energy. They have to constantly gossip, bring in some sort of negativity, or do something to negate your efforts. It's these energy vampires, if you are around them long enough, suck the life, spirit and visions you have from yourself.

After so many years of energy vampires, I was in a bad spot in my own life. I have always been a strong-willed, hard-headed and determined person. I was always the type of person that lived by the theory, "tell me I can't do something, and I will do it, just to prove you wrong!" Although I can not pinpoint the exact time frame that my own personality began to change, I can tell you exactly when it came to a head and I was bowled over. The exact moment when it felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck, and then it backed up and did it again. That moment was October 11, 2012. I honestly believe that there were signs leading to that moment, but the night was the beginning of this horrifically challenging few years. It was that night, I began to get a very clear picture of what I had allowed myself to become. It was that night, that I realized the type of people I had allowed into my life, and had begun to be like. I had began to blame everyone else for the horrible mess my brain was in, it was that night, that I realized how far off course my life had become. So for that, I suppose I should thank the person that opened my eyes. Since then, my journey to rediscover myself has been endless.

Just since I began writing this post, it has become so clear on so many aspects of my life. That night was the Universe's wake up call for me, only I didn't realize it then. It was that night that began this remarkable journey. I honestly do not blame anyone for as far off course as my life had gotten, it was my own fault for allowing it to happen. I chose to let others dictate my life for me, instead of living it in a manner that was my own. Instead of standing up for my beliefs, values and desires; I bowed down to allow for less arguing, fighting, and have some sort of peace in a life that I didn't fit in. In all honesty, a moment of time, many years ago now, should have taught me something. That moment of time should have opened my eyes, but I tried to look past it. That was my mistake, and not one I will ever make again. Although there have moments that should have been caught instantly, they weren't. I believe, 4 years ago, I was beginning to open my eyes and see the forest through the trees. But it was 3 years ago, that a harsh lesson caused my world to crumble at my feet. These few years have been torturous, and downright hell, for me. To have your world tossed onto its head, tends to send you stumbling. Unfortunately, that stumbling and shift of energy has affected my marriage. He has been truly an amazing sounding board, has supported me through every realization, and even tries to understand when the thoughts are moving at lightening speed and I can't slow them down. He has become one the best friends I could ask for. Even with all of this, there is an undercurrent that we must deal with. There is something that is just off. We will work on this together, and find a solution. One thing I can say about the 2 of us, is that we work great as a team.

So many of the areas that have caused my life to shift on its axis, has been by my own doing. I have allowed the energy vampires to step in and alter the course of the life I live. I have allowed other opinions, thoughts, and words to shake me to my core. These past few years though, all these things have ultimately caused me to shut down. By shutting down, I mean that I have continually added layers to the wall I have always kept around me. Shutting down has caused me not to be angry anymore, but to move towards really not caring either. It hit this morning, by moving into the spot I am in, has directly changed my attitude once again. By not getting angry, the emotion has left, the desire to continue on some paths has also left. The only sure path I have in this exact moment, is that I will do whatever is necessary to protect my children. Living in a fight or flight pattern for the better part of 15 years, is exhausting. Dealing with the fallout every time something happens with my children, is exhausting, and constantly playing referee behind the scenes, is ridiculous!

Even though I am no longer angry, I am done. I am done dealing with those people and situations that drain my energy. I am done dealing things that try to cage my spirit. I am done feeling trapped, not valued, and not worthy of respect. I AM DONE! From this moment on, anyone that chooses to be around myself or my kids; will respect our choices, respect our life and unless asked...we don't want your opinions either!

I have accepted so much less in life that I want or deserve. I am no longer willing do so. I have a spirit that is bigger than anything I could ever describe. Allowing my wings to be broken, has also allowed my spirit to be grounded. My creativity has all but evaporated, my own dreams and goals are constantly crushed, and the backbone I once had, has been weakened. However, it has not disintegrated! The past few years has slowly brought life back to my spirit, creativity and my backbone. It has forced me to reevaluate my life, all parts of it. I have goals, dreams, and adventures that I will be pursuing. I have let them slide, but I won't be allowing that anymore. "Those that see your dreams as too big, have let go of their own."

There are still plenty of areas that I will be working on, but I have come a long way already. So many areas I have only brushed over, are still begging for realization. Many areas that are just coming back the surface and some I'm just now realizing; will be interesting endeavors.

For now though, I can honestly say, I'm not angry anymore. Weary, untrusting, and walled off - Yes. However, I'm not angry. I will no longer lower my standards or settle for less than I deserve, I will no longer "dumb down" my conversations-step up or step out!, I don't need those who choose to gossip since they are so happy to talk about everyone...they will be more than happy to talk about me too! What happens in my home, stays in my home. Anyone that does not live here, does not know enough about any situation here to have an opinion. What goes on behind closed doors, unless you are stalking, is not known or understood. Anyone that is disrespecting of the choices we make for our life, kids, or anything else; will be eliminated from our lives, period! I have no problem packing my kids and I up, and walking away from any situation I deem unhealthy for them or myself!

I'm not angry anymore, I'm done. I'm done biting my tongue, trying to keep peace, and appeasing everyone else. It's beyond time to be happy in life. Happiness is within ourselves, however, too many energy vampires cause us to loose sight of it. I have placed myself at the hands of others to find happiness, value, respect and worth. This was completely and utterly, ludicrous! There is no one on Earth, worthy of so much power over another! I'm taking the power back, right now, this minute!


Wearing a garlic necklace!
Salli

My Spirit

"My spirit is so much larger than what you see. My thoughts so much deeper than you could ever conjure. My faith unwavering, even in my darkest hours. The shell that you see, is nothing more than a facade." S.A. Bowen



Finding others who can resonate on the same level is difficult when your vibrational energies are so high. Looking beyond religion to true faith, without questions, is something unusual. How many times have you known even the most trivial answer, and just known, without knowing how you know? How many times can you say without any doubt, I know this to be true?

A spiritual person knows on an energetic level that there is something higher and more powerful than all of us! We don't need any labels on this higher power, we just know there a more powerful force to be reckoned with. We live our lives respecting, loving, and being decent people.

As my love of science, nature, history and heritage coalesced; my journey on enlightenment, spirit, and self expanded beyond my wildest dreams. Maybe not everyone experiences this expansion of self, or they choose to ignore it. Through the years, I have always tried to listen to my body, thoughts and instincts. This makes me seem odd to many people, but it has given me the opportunity to grow.

Seeing some disturbing patterns in adults while I was young, being too stubborn to just take anything at face value, and not accepting that horrible concept of "this is all there is," has driven me to be objective. I rarely trust anyone, and once that trust is broken, it is never repaired. I will be kind, until that kindness is abused. I will hold my tongue, until I can not hold it any longer. I prefer peace, but when the first shot is fired beyond what I am willing to tolerate, that peace will be broken.

Facing cancer at 26 with a 1 year old baby; changed me. It began my personal reflection of the path I was on. I began changing everything in my life; from diets, to thoughts, and began to separate the emotions/feelings I was experiencing. For a few years, I was able to compartmentalize all of them; happiness, sadness, loneliness, need, want, etc. I took care of me and of course, my baby. A rocky marriage, and other difficulties caused me to quit focusing on me and my needs/wants and turned them solely to my child. I began the habit of making too many withdrawls from myself and not enough deposits. I let myself fall apart. Everything from my health to my emotional well being was constantly pushed aside. Around the time I had found it again, and began to get stronger once again, had quit smoking, was returning to a mostly vegetarian life style; I was surprised with the news of our youngest. Once again, my life was turned on its head, and changes were made again. Although I didn't have the concerns of miscarriage because I was almost 5 months pregnant when I found out, I knew it would be an adjustment being 8 years older than when I had our first. I knew I had to have as natural of pregnancy as possible, for my own health, plus I was not willing to change back to many of the things I had eliminated from my life. Although my labor/delivery was really short(about an hour total), it was the most difficult pain I have ever experienced. After my cancer surgery, I was told I could not have any more children. The scar tissue from the surgery, was the culprit for the most horrific pain I have ever had. When our youngest child was 4 months old, she was given 4 vaccines. The base for most vaccines is comprised of typically 2 different things. I do not understand all the compounds of these, so I won't try to explain. However, 24 hours after those vaccines, she came down with a high fever, not keeping food down, and having breathing issues. After 2 trips to the hospital, 2 to the doctor and almost losing our 4 month old daughter, it was determined she was allergic to the 2 base components of all vaccines. Then my life took another hard left.

After finding her allergy issues, I decided to have my oldest (8 at the time), allergy tested. Needless to say, having two children who appear healthy, active and normal; will not ever be the case. Both my children have extreme allergies, that requires me to be very vigilant to keep them healthy, active and "normal." I had to alter our diets to fit their allergies, to fit their sensitivities and to attempt to keep them functional when our regular diets aren't available. Some foods, detergents, soaps, and even clothing has to be trial and error, but we make it work. It is during this time frame, that my oldest was being bullied at school - not just words but injuries also; that I not only took on a certification of Natural Health to help my kids, but also began the journey into home education. While I still get a lot of grief over both of those; I know I am doing the best I can for these 2 amazing young people that have been placed in my life and my care. Having extreme allergies myself, I know the issues and frustration it causes. With our diet changes and our natural health, I have not had to take allergy shots or medicine in over 6 years, and for the most part, neither have my kids! During all of these little road bumps, I have found every move I have made, scrutinized, belittled, and have been affronted more than not. After years of bumps, blocks, and constantly defending the choices I have had to make; I lost so much of myself, and began doubting everything I knew. I began to put up walls around myself and my children to protect them from the ignorant and hurtful discussions they would overhear. I began withdrawing from everyone who questioned or openly discredited what I had to do for them or myself. After several years, I began to get tired of the constant battles. I let my guard down and subconsciously heard all the doubters and everyone who disagreed with how I thought best to handle our situations.

I have always stood by my beliefs, and can typically recite creditable evidence to support how I do things. I reached rock bottom almost 4 years ago. I was tired of the constant battle, the constant belittling, being manipulated and ridiculed. About 4 years ago, I had someone I considered a friend, use me as nothing more than an alibi. Although this is something to be angry about; this was just the straw that broke the camels back. This was the end of tolerance for everything. All these years of lies, snarky jabs about me or my life, underhandedness, guilt trips, manipulation, and never feeling like I had a place that I belonged; came to a head. It broke me, knocked me down, and once again caused my world to turn on its head. I had become a shell of a person. I was no longer someone I wanted my kids to look up to, I was no longer someone I would ever care to be associated with. I had become the epitome of everything I disliked most. I have always followed my own path, and thinking outside the box comes naturally. I haven't ever really fit into a single lifestyle I have ever lived. Although, I am closer now than I ever have been, something is still off. I have spent the past 3 years rediscovering myself. It's been difficult at best. Nearly 4 years ago, one of the few people who knew me, never judged me and held ever ounce of my trust and respect; passed away. While the reports claim he took his own life, I will never believe it. That is something I will probably never know the whole story to, but he remains in my heart today and forever. His passing, took me by surprise, and to this day I have a hard time accepting. He was the first person to welcome me to a new school, 24 years ago. He would go out of his way to bump into me in the halls(literally), if I was in a mood or upset about anything; he would pat me on the head and say,"come Sal, tell Bobo what the matter is." He always told me he'd be my superman whenever I needed him, and until his passing, he was! He never left or ended a phone call without saying, "I love ya, Sal!" and being so short, I was always his arm rest. You know, after nearly 4 years, remembering all this still has me in tears, but I need to in order to finally heal this part of my life. It's funny to remember the first day I met him. He asked my name in art class. When I told him my name was Salli, he said nah, that doesn't fit. I think I can count on one hand how many times he actually called me by my name. It was always Sal or something that I don't care to share. While I have so many great memories of him, I can not find a single picture of all the things we did together.

There are very few people whom I can say ever touched my life like my friend Bob did. He was there in all the moments of life; good, bad, sad and happy. He never doubted what I set out to do, never pushed me to do anything, supported me when I needed it and was more than happy to tell me when I was being ridiculous. To me, Bob was one of the few genuine "super heroes" left in the world. I love ya, Bobby! I think I am finally able to come visit you in just a couple of weeks.

Feeling broken and empty, is a tough place to be. I have put distance between myself and everyone else. I have stayed to myself, kept most of my thoughts to myself, and bit my tongue more often than not. I have been steam rolled by people outside my home, I have accepted a lack of respect from family, I have cried tears of hurt, loss, disappointment, and pain - alone. It's only when I become so overwhelmed that I can not handle anymore, that I can actually cry in front of anyone. I have felt hopeless, trapped, and helpless. I have felt lost in a world I do not belong; yet wondered if there is one I truly belong in. I have stumbled, made mistakes, and yet, I keep going. In the nearly 4 years of reaching the lowest point of my life, I can finally see daylight. I can finally look in the mirror without seeing that lost look in my own eyes. I can finally accept each and every flaw I have; and be grateful for the strength that it took to get where I am. I can also, finally, see things with greater clarity. I can see where I have been, and I can see where I want to go. I just need to work my way through the old habits of trying to keep the peace.

The past 4 years have been an honest to goodness, soul searching journey. It's made me face some difficult times in my life, and difficult decisions I have yet to make. It's made me take a good, long look at myself. It's also opened a closed eye to issues I have thought I could bury. I am dealing with each issue, and each area, as I can. There are some that are taking a little more effort to move toward healing.

I can promise you, this shell of a person that I had become, is filling back up. My spirit is restless to soar, and I refuse to anchor it anymore.

Sal

Silently - a poem

SILENTLY



Silently, I rebuild what has been broken for so long.
The part of me that once held so strong;
has become a simple shell from years of going with the flow.

Silently, I seek my own inner strength.
From the spiral of years of keeping quiet;
to keeping peace and avoiding fights.

Silently, I have been broken down by a life that isn't mine.
Years of trying, struggling and neglecting the potential within.
A ghost of who I once was, barely lingers.

The adventure began as most love stories do.
The relationships that seem to have someplace to go;
until outside interference disrupts what could have been.

Affronted with constant conflict makes the walls rise too tall.
Too many years the conflict has continued,
too many missed opportunities to do what is necessary.

Silently, I wonder if this can be saved.
Too many years, I have kept quiet to keep the peace.
So many years the resentment has built.

Silently, I continue to hold a thread of hope;
yet know in my heart, that many parts are irreparable and broke.


The reality of it, is that love does not cure everything or fix anything.
The reality of it, there is damage that you can't possibly see.


Can we make this work, sure.
Can the damage done be repaired, I just can not say.
Do I love you, without a doubt, yes.

Silently, I suffer through the pain and longing for something that I will never have.

Silently, I find my way through through the muck that has mired many years.
Accusations that were and are still tossed around, underhand efforts at every corner, manipulation to get attention;
although not by you, still hinders the very relationship effort.

Silently, I get stronger every day.
Making decisions that work best for me, accepting the path I am on.
Silently, I am learning to let go.


9/15/15

Coffee Chat

Facing a hard truth...

Reality is sometimes like being knocked in the head with 4 x 4 post, repeatedly! No matter how many times the blatantly obvious is presented, it still knocks you backward. You still stumble with the reality of certain situations, and struggle to understand or accept them. There are times you question what you did in your life to deserve the circumstances, or you do everything you can, and you are given a shitstorm in return.


I've always heard that those who care the most, are the ones that are hurt the most. This is unfortunately, true. When you attempt to do something out care, love, trust and respect; it is twisted into something of such utter contempt. Being kind, accommodating, and respectful is becoming so rare, and I understand why. You reach a point of wondering why you try. Why bother doing something kind when it's going to come back to bite you, haunt you, or be disrespectful to you. Why bother trying to be the bigger person when the rumor mill is going to make up the story as they go anyway, the gossips are going to blow any truth out of the water, and those that don't know the meaning of Respect; well, there is absolutely nothing you can do there.


Those who give the benefit of doubt, regularly, are the ones that tend to be hurt regularly too. Those who always try to look for the best in people, are the ones taken for granted. Those who make excuses for the behavior of others, fall into this as well. It's all of these types of people, that tend to be taken for granted, used, and manipulated to benefit others expectations and will eventually find themselves lost. They find the very people that they have: given the benefit of doubt, always trying to find the best in others, accepting the excuses of others for their poor behavior, and allowing their own worth to be degraded; are the ones that end up being resented, and a contempt is held against them.

In my own world, I have been that person most of my life. Always trying to find the good in people, always giving the benefit of doubt to those that my instincts tell me to avoid, allowing excuses to make up for bad behavior and manipulation. I have watched through the years, my own self-worth disintegrate into a feeling of never being good enough. I have accepted excuses for bad behavior and not spoken up for my own rights, beliefs, opinions, and wants. I have allowed manipulation to enter my life and the life of my children. I have felt guilty for thinking for myself and not following what is considered normal or acceptable.

You know, the sad part of all of that? Anyone who truly respected or cared for me, or my children for that matter, would not have been so manipulative. They may not agree with the choices I have made, but they would not negate them or underhandedly tried to manipulate the kids or I. They would be respectful enough to know I am doing what I feel is right, and best for those that are my responsibility.

As many know from my regularly blogs, I am more of a free spirit. I have my own beliefs, I have researched and study everything I can to help health issues we deal with, I was not raised the way my life has gone, but I have adjusted to it. I believe that even though I have lived here for 18 years, there are plenty of things about me that will never change. I do not deal well with people that lie, cheat, steal or gossip. I will distance myself from ANYONE that makes me feel belittled, taken for granted or degraded. I will never be financially rich, and I don't want to be. I prefer simple, and debt free over money and indebtedness. I prefer to be home without stress above being out and about listening to everyone complain about something. I love to dance, laugh, spend every bit of time I can with my kids, I love spontaneous adventures, and nature. I love to learn new things, explore and expand what I already know. I will question everything, all-the-time! I will take nothing and no one at the their word; I have high standards that I have let slip, and that is making a major left turn and changing, right now! I expect nothing more than I am willing to give, but there have been plenty that I have accepted into my life that do not measure up. I am wiping my hands of those who don't measure up. I don't trust easily, and there are very few that I actually do trust. There are many people that interfered, caused me stress, lied to me, manipulated me, and have taken for granted what I have to give. I will never be perfect, but when it comes to me as a person; what you see is what you get.

I can be "Betty Crocker," apron donned, and cook/bake up a storm. I can sport a camera and find some of the most breathtaking photos. I am above all a Mom, usually tired, not worried about schedules and what others think - yet exhausted from continuous criticism. I am a life-long learner, a former dancer and dance instructor. I have been to some of the most magnificent places, and lived a few different life styles. I have been on top and bottom of the world, both mentally and financially. I have had the world in my hands, and now sport plenty of blisters and callouses from a 17 year struggle in the world I now live. I have seen rock bottom, and eaten with a silver spoon. Above all, I have found the things I like, and the ones I don't. I have allowed many years of manipulation to mold me into the shell of a person I have spent many years now, being. I have put my children's happiness and what I have felt best for them, above my own and what is best for me.

For someone like me, it's difficult to swallow when you don't really fit anywhere. The town I was born and raised in is now more of a city, the town I graduated high school from is easily double the size it was, and the area I live in; well, I am still different than the rest. I'm ok with this. It is however, difficult when you know you will never fit the mold. I'm too free spirited, too independent, too set in my ways, and I am not willing to keep changing who I really am to keep the peace.



In the news....



What a crazy time in America. After remember all our fallen citizens, and the heroes of 9/11; people are still acting liking a bunch of spoiled children. You can't carry on a conversation for fear of offending someone. Even our heritage is being attacked. Our Constitutional rights are constantly being affronted by people trying to use fear as manipulation. We are being told we are victims, when the truth is just the opposite. We have so many with an entitlement attitude, and not taking responsibility for their own issues. Our elected officials are being bought and paid for like a sponsorship for a major sporting event. They are not working for the American people anymore, they are working for whatever entity is willing to pay the most money. Yet, we are a country running in the red for many years now. We pay higher taxes, higher groceries, higher utilities and have a lower standard of living. Our children are expecting name brand clothing, brand new vehicles, and everything to be handed to them. You are Constitutionally given the right to free speech, but God forbid you have a differing opinion from someone else. We are now forced to purchase third party services; via vehicle insurance and health insurance. Our healthcare system is now run by corrupt, lying politicians; that can spy on our citizens as they so choose, without reasonable cause. We have a war on drugs, war on terror; and all either of them has accomplished is more of what they claim to be trying to eliminate. We have a weed/herb that is now medically "approved" in some states, but still illegal in others... when it truth the oil would CURE most dis-eases. We have a bunch of hypocrites bickering over what is morally acceptable when it comes to whom can love whom, or marry; yet the divorce rate is inching towards the 75% mark in what IS morally acceptable - marriage between a man and woman. You have a bigger racial divide than ever because of a few big mouthed, high paid, too stupid to hold a real job people. It's acceptable to them to spur a bigger racial divide rather than be leaders and teach others how to break the cycle. Our teachers have their hands tied to keep reign on their classrooms because of ridiculous red tape, and an interference from the bought and paid for politicians. Our children are not being taught respect of life, limb, property and self. They are being taught they are victims, they aren't allowed to stand up for themselves, and are not even learning more than how to take a test. A test that is placing all children in the same category, instead of being able to teach the children how they best will learn. Every child is different, with a different way of learning. That's like telling a fish it's stupid because it can't climb a tree.

We have people killing people in the name of protests, in the name of equality. We have people committing crimes for the same reason. We have so much political division, yet they are all the same. Everyone is quick to complain about stuff, yet unwilling to change anything. We have a whole lot of ignorance, and not enough wisdom. Rather that looking to our elders for the wisdom and guidance, they are placed in homes where they are treated poorly and the cost is pathetic. Too many of our elders are discounted as crazy or out of touch, yet history is repeating itself because too many younger generations have lost intelligence. Our kids are zoned out with technology, over scheduled, and pushed to grow up way too quickly. They are not being taught how to live their lives with purpose. They are being pushed into working for someone, instead of being innovators.

I gave up watching the news, on a regular basis, 14 years ago. Since then, when it does come(before I can turn it off), It's all negative. They focus on every horrible thing possible. I am not naive, and I know there is a lot of bad stuff out there. However, I am tired of hearing about a racial crime, when it's black or white and the crime was committed with a gun. Then all of a sudden a bunch of ill-informed educated idiots would like us to believe that taking guns away from law-abiding citizens will stop the gun violence. Seriously?! All the laws do, is make it easier for those that already do not follow the laws to create more victims. If every household had a gun, I can guarantee the crime rates would decrease. IF people were truly educated about the value of life, ALL LIVES, the gun crimes would decrease. Instead of saying that guns are the reason, how about we look to the real crime and criminals. Guns are inanimate objects, they can not do anything without someone at the trigger. Those who are committing gun crimes, are criminals, period! They will not ever follow the laws, no matter how many there are. As I have read in many places; blaming guns for shootings is like blaming pencils for mistakes, cars for drunk drivers, and spoons for people being fat. It's time our country returns to PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY! Those committing a crime with an inanimate object are the culprits, PERIOD!



In my world...


It's been a few weeks since my last coffee chat. It's been kind of a chaotic time for me. This is always a busy time of year, but being in a different frame of mind has changed my perspective on many things. While I have overall found a more positive state of mind, I have also found my determination, stubbornness, and strong will. I have also found that my tolerance of those that no longer measure up to my standards, is very minimal. I am tired of being spoke to like I am stupid, or unintelligent. I am tired of being pushed away for having a mind of my own, and I'm tired of listening to the back ground noise of being belittled or gossiped about. I can take a lot of weight on my shoulders, but once I have had enough, I'm done. I am there, I am done. I refuse to minimize myself anymore, to make others more comfortable. I am who I am and refuse to keep apologizing for it. I am not sorry for who I am. Yep, I lost sight of the person I am under all the pretending, but guess what.... The universe has reminded me and I am done pretending.

You can only put on a brave front, smile through the tears, and bite your tongue for so long; before the weight tears you down. I hit bottom 4 years ago, and have slowly been rebuilding since. Now, I am as strong as I was years ago, just a little wiser in the process. I have struggled through fake friends, who were never there when I needed them, but were more than happy to use me when it was convenient. I have struggled with being away from my own family for so many years. What began as regular trips back home have diminished to annual trips. Now, I have a life that doesn't allow for much time away, so the few times a year that I do see my family, is whenever they can come here. I am so different than my family, and my husbands family, too. I think for myself, which tends to piss a lot of people off. I believe the way I do things is the best for myself and my kids, and since it goes against the grain, it tends to stir trouble. I am happy with how I live and how my kids are turning out, and the only other opinion that matters is my husband. Everything else is just white noise, from here on out. I have let the opinion of others interfere in my life, and with my own happiness; that is over too.

Those that want to question my life, my way of raising my kids, or my choices; can just stay away. I doesn't have the patience to keep playing games, or being undermined by others thoughts of how I should raise my kids or live my life. I do what I do for a reason, and unless I feel you need to know...you don't need to know. I have spent too many years pretending to be happy, pretending to be something I am not, and pasting a smile to keep the peace. I have let some of my real friends down, by not being there for them. I have hidden friendships for fear of gossip. No more! My friends are my friends. I will talk to, visit with and be there for those I consider friends...male or female! I have spent 16 years married, never done anything I shouldn't have, and I don't intend to start now! If my marriage is so unstable I have to venture outside of it, then there isn't any reason to keep it going. If it ever reaches that point, there will be a lot of conversation between the two people that need to know anything, not people that don't have a clue. Sometimes, what goes on behind closed doors is between the people that live there.

I hate game playing. I don't want to be forced into a game, but if I am forced into a game...I will win! I am highly competitive, and I don't like to lose. I am not afraid of walking away from people or cutting them out of my life either. I don't trust most, and there is a reason for that. I have been betrayed, lied to and gossiped about; and all I can say is that those who love gossip must have a pretty boring life! If you are talking about me, just make it good. Don't waste anymore precious oxygen talking behind my back, just get a back bone and accept that I will cut you out of my life quicker that shit!

I am taking back control of my life, and anyone who disagrees with it can just stay away. It's my life, and it's my responsibility to do what I think is best. I am taking control, responsibility and getting the life I expect back on track. It's long past time!



This little piece of Earth...



Living a different kind of life from what I grew up has proven to be very difficult and sometimes has caused many issues. I did not grow up on a farm, or even in the country. I grew up with town not more than a couple of miles away. I grew up with conveniences that some have not. Now, I have learned to plan meals for a month, grocery shop for a month at a time, and to stay home in an effort to pay off debts. I have learned how to budget, plan, and juggle finances. I have learned to garden, preserve food, and make something out of nothing. I am learning to deal with being alone in my thoughts, and establishing friendships with people like-minded. I am thrilled to have what I think of as a little co-op of women, who are like me, and teaching me so much; including how to trust again. I would love to plan a huge gathering for my family and friends, and to see many of them here, but being 300 miles away makes that difficult. I have a big decision to make in regards to an upcoming trip. It would be a great opportunity to see some old friends, spend some time back home with my family, and show my kids some fun. At the same time, it's time, money, and a bit of trip to make since I will have to make it with just the kids. I know I can do it, and the trip has been planned all year, but it's causing some apprehension on how to handle it.

Life has a way of throwing you curve balls. It's not so much in how you swing, it's the effort of actually trying. I do hope to get to see so many, if I can make the trip up! I want to make it, and walk the 5k with my sister, but the way my body has betrayed me the last few weeks has me questioning my ability.

Back to our little piece of earth, it's harvest time. That means the crops come out, the days are getting shorter, the garden is quickly going to sleep for the winter, and the last of the outdoor projects are being rushed to getting finished. I am gearing up for some destruction, construction, and furniture building. I am anxious to see some projects come together and finally get done with the remodeling that started 2 years ago. The planning continues for our annual open house, and the next birthday party. I don't believe in waiting until the last minute to throw a gathering on people. So, the next holiday is Thanksgiving, and we plan to have a meal at our home. Then Christmas is right on its heels.

I am always moving and getting things done; even when it feels as though I am doing nothing. I don't sit for long, and my mind is in constant motion.



Until next time...
I am going to finish this blog and call it a day. Wishing you all a great Fall, and we'll catch up again in a few weeks!

Salli