Coffee Chat

 

 

 

Coffee Chat

You know, I began writing years ago. Writing has been my outlet for all the chaos that races through my brain. I'm not exactly a shallow thinker. I have always questioned everything, and I guess I was always meant to be in Missouri since, I'm a "Show Me" type of person. Words are meaningless when there are no actions to prove it. Sadly, I have experienced, too many times to count, words that are eloquent, charming and perfectly placed. Only to watch as the actions don't represent those words. So, keep in mind, if you want people to speak kindly of you, you better be kind. Somehow, the truth ALWAYS comes out in the wash!

I'm in a bit of a conundrum. I have spent years, always trying to be everything to everyone. Trying to put my "money" where my mouth is...meaning, going out of my way, even putting my own logic on a back burner, to help. I've gone, many times, against my husband's opinions, to do what I felt was right. I've faced a lot of backlash and some teasing. I've done this with extended family, and some I considered friends. The result seems to always be the same. Take whatever possible until I no longer serve a purpose and then lie to me or ignore me...both have happened. When I speak up, then I am the asshole OR there is some sort of guilt trip. I've bit my tongue, I have dealt with plenty of internal battles over not being good enough, not being one thing or another. Here's the thing, once I'm done, I'm done. There won't be any looking back, no remorse for walking away. I have dealt with enough energy vampires to last my lifetime! I've always heard, "if you need anything, just call." Guess what? No one is around the few times I have needed something. So, I can promise...I will NOT need anything again. I don't go out of my way to be rude, ignorant or bitchy. However, experience and poor judgement has taught me to listen to my intuition. When it nudges me, I need to listen. I wrote it off for a long time as being "wrong" until it was shown to be 100% accurate. I've dealt with enough, ALONE, to know there is NOTHING I will ever face that will require me to "need." 

Today, I'm bouncing between extreme anger and hurt, and then extreme anger for being hurt....again! Whatever. I've dealt with it before and I'll get over it, again. It never makes it any easier, just more frustrating. I truly hate pity parties and the "poor me" crap, so I won't go down that road. I focus my little world, my husband, my kids, and our little piece of heaven...but sometimes, I get knocked off my feet. I ALWAYS GET BACK UP, and when I do...I'm stronger, more determined and colder. This time, I have reached that "done," stage. 

I'm going to kick up some music and keep my hands busy until I can get outdoors for longer. Too much has been messing with my own peace of mind, and allowing toxicity to enter my personal safe space. I withdraw for a reason. It's time to withdraw, refocus, find my peace of mind again, and let God handle what I can not! 

Peace!