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2/22/22

Numbers have fascinated me in adult years. Today the numbers/day are incredible; Tuesday, 2nd month, 22nd day, of 2022. That's a lot 2's friends. Praying this leads to a high vibration day for all. 

I debated on what conversation box to write today...Let's Talk or another Coffee Chat. I really decided on this forum because I wanted to try to stick to a single subject for now. I've had a pretty rough go in life for several months again, and it's come to a head. I hit a point that almost cost me 25 plus years of control over my temper. I can honestly say, it has not been just a single issue that pushed this, but a lot of smaller issues that have piled up with a finality of a long time issue that topped it off. So, I want to touch on the generalized areas.

God knows I am no where near perfect!!! I have made my share of mistakes, dumb moves, bonehead ideas, and struggled with self esteem issues. I always say I am stitched together with lessons learned, many the hard way. I have spent my entire adult life constantly trying to be a better person than I was the prior day. I'm not out to keep up with any neighbor. If they succeed...Great!! I am over-the-moon happy for them! I am not materialistic. I really don't have much that I could need or want. I am content, overall, in my life. I have been fortunate enough to have a built in bullshit detector...when I listen to it. What I am NOT....tolerant to stupidity, liars, putting on a show, tolerant of selfishness or shitty behavior. I am beyond grateful for a conversation with a trusted friend Sunday. So, here we go.

Setting boundaries. This is something that should be taught by parents and schools alike! Setting boundaries can be very difficult when you find yourself in a precarious situation. I can't speak for anyone else but for me, I have always tried to be everything to everyone. Saying "no" was difficult for me. Speaking up for what I believed in was easy, but speaking up for myself, me being treated poorly, and what I needed....was not! Learning to manage my temper in my early 20's kept me from a lot of issues, but it also tamed down my ability to fight for myself and my beliefs. I didn't want to hurt anyone else, because I'd been hurt. I didn't want anyone to suffer, as I had, by being alone. I have spent more than 2 decades living by; "be to others what you needed growing up." Let me tell you, it's great advice but it's exhausting. For more than 21 years, I have been a Mom first and foremost. No one, including myself, have ever came before my kids. Their well being, their needs, their wants, etc. ALL came before anything else. Then came my husband. I have supported him in anything he has wanted/needed to do. Even if I didn't always agree, it was my job to support him. Then came extended families, of which there are many for us. Their needs, demands, their well being(even if it meant playing referee and being the "bad guy"). Then came friends, which loyalties have fluctuated through the years from poor choices and behaviors, to lies, to spilling my life with those that didn't fit in the "need to know" category. While others, like me, have had life spin out-of-control, so we only talk on occasion. When all those areas were covered, then came me...what I wanted/needed/etc. I have spent so much of my life trying to pour from an empty cup. 

Toxic is toxic, no matter who it is. Whether it's family, friends, or relationships, toxicity is not good. It pulls you into a dark place and drags you through mud you didn't create. After years of being drug through that mud, it can take a major event to crawl out of or it can take many little issues to break you. I am a strong and stubborn woman, and when I find a crack in my armour....I know it can happen, even to the best. I reached my precipice. It's kind of liberating to write that. Admitting you are breakable, is putting yourself in a vulnerable position. I do not like to ever be in that position, but I'm there. While being in this situation, only a few people will be inside my walls. I have to set boundaries to stop this chaotic circus. I tend to try to fix everything, but I can't....not because of a lack of wanting to, but because I can not take on other's inability to learn from their own mistakes. It is not my responsibility to take on other's poor choices out of loyalty or friendship, genetics or not. I can be civil but I don't need to be involved in any matter. I can and will take on projects that matter most to me, but I won't be taking on questionable behavior to make them happen. I will not allow "so this is what we are doing today," to continue in my life. My cup is bone-dry. There hasn't been anything left to pour out for years. I am changing what I can no longer accept. 

Setting boundaries is not something that happens overnight, but I am fast-tracking it. I am focusing on making the changes I need. While my focus will always be on my family first, even with this, I need to set some boundaries. It's time for some cleansing, time for some removal and finding balance again. Today, I pray for the strength and guidance to do what I know needs done, and the ability to set the path forward on level ground. 

Be Blessed!