We have finally reached the end of February and I can see Spring on the horizon!! FINALLY!!! This Winter has felt so long and tedious to me. I am ready to not have my face hurt from the cold, not have to look like the state puff marshmallow man to go outdoors, and not see snow and ice everywhere; at least for a while!
Last year, I made a pact with myself to take time to enjoy every season. It worked for a short time, but not very long. For a life that I have always loved as being more simple...our lives became too chaotic. A constant rush from one thing to the next, no time to enjoy the "simple" life, and too much outside B.S. really hindered 2021 for me. I noticed how fast time was going with all the chaos, and no matter how much I tried to slow it up....it got worse. My pact, was to not be so busy making a living that we forgot to make a life. Last year, everything became a chore for me...and I truly dislike that feeling. I know it takes money to live, but good grief, the amount of extra expenses thrown at us was stupid! This year, has already doubled, again. The saddest part of the bigger picture.....WE HAVE NOT CHANGED ANYTHING WE DO. If anything, we are doing even less than before, because the other expenses have tripled in a year!! I'm talking: grocery prices have doubled, fuel prices have at least doubled, utility prices have increased by nearly 20%, and you want to know the real kick in the ass....Income has decreased! So, how does that play out? It means I'm stressed trying to make a budget work (that doesn't), trying to make sure my family has and will have what they need as store shelves are emptying - at least until I can get my garden up producing, attempting to get meat ready to butcher/process, dealing with external issues that have been a thorn in my side for most of my life, attempting to keep up with and guide those around that can't seem grasp the reality of the big picture. None of that even mentions that I have not had a solid night's sleep in, I'd bet close to a year. Instead, I'm trying to manage everything on a broken 4 hours of sleep daily, at best.
What many fail to understand, I may not "have a job" off the farm, but I have so many jobs right here. I'm managing: education, farm finances, personal finances, business finances, ALL bookwork for ALL those areas, cooking 90% of all meals, doing 95% of all cleaning, keeping up with my animal chores, helping with the other livestock when needed, budgeting, meal planning for a month at a time for 8-9 people daily, purchasing the food necessary for those meals because I need to have a massive class on how to shop to NOT waste money, and now, is garden planning too(this part I actually like!). So, while my family works their 8 hour day jobs, comes home to hand an hour or two of chores...my day ends when I finally drop at night. I don't have 8-12 hour days. God forbid, someone get sick...then I'm on the clock 24/7. Don't get me wrong, I do get SOME help. Usually, I'm told that I do things differently and no one knows how I do it. Well, I do...and I get that, but why not learn how I want things done? Either way, it is what it is. Sometimes, it's just easier to do it and be done.
I have spent 10 years learning to love my life, who I have become and forgiving some of the stupid mistakes I have made. Since I'm human, I'm sure I will make more....but they won't be the the ones I've already learned from. We all tend to make mistakes, but choosing to learn from them and NOT make them multiple times actually has to be a choice. I've learned a lot the past few years. There are some lessons you need to learn, and others that remind you that a snake can shed their skin and still be a snake!
As I have learned the most, the last few years, in reflection...it's become apparent who I can trust, rely on, and to a certain degree - depend on. I say it that way, because I learned a long time ago to never depend on anyone. My loyalty stays with those that have never made me question theirs. The greatest part of my loyalty and trust is with my own little family. I truly believe being a family of a small family farm has secured the bond and trust that a family should have. No games, no lies, no deceit. We all pull our weight, and sometimes we have to pull a little extra when necessary. We work together, we work hard, we disagree and keep going, we speak our mind even when it's not politically correct. Just this morning, my husband and son were out before 5 am, because the ground was hard enough to be able to hay the sheep and move the stock trailer before it thawed and made a muddier mess. Then they got ready and went to their regular jobs. This afternoon, when they get home...it's evening chores and packing water, before supper. It's checking sheep every 2 hours night and day, even on work nights; during lamb season. It's checking fences, checking grass growth, figuring out fertilizers, changing feed rations, it's helping me get the garden and new plots tilled or any other area I need help with. It's kids(some grown) asking me questions about taxes, how to make the most of their investments, how to manage illness without constantly running to the pill-pushing doctors, or asking how to shop to get the most bang for their buck. It's a well-oiled machine....until it isn't. Then it becomes a circus of mass proportions! When you don't depend on anyone, you really aren't let down. However, handling things this way, has it's own issues.
I'm not on social media for more than a few minutes anymore, I post what I want and I'm done. It usually doesn't matter, because I spend most of my time in Facebook jail anyway. The other day, my cousin, whom I have a great deal in common with, shared her tips on a good marriage. While I understood it and agreed, I also had a few other areas that were a bit different. I have spent 23 years married, 24 in my relationship. Let me tell you, marriage is tough! Anyone that says otherwise, is an idiot! You can not put 2 individual people together, under one roof, and not have issues. We are not meant to be identical. That's insane to even believe. While I have never been a big proponent of marriage, I can tell share with you some things I've learned along the way. The thing to remember, we are all different and that is a good thing! So, what works for me, may not be right for you! I'm no expert, by any means!
1. Never try to change the other person. You must have seen a quality that caught your eye...why the heck change them after the fact?! They are not you and you are not them. Embrace your differences.
2. Learn the art of compromise!!! You are not going to agree 100% on everything. Learn to compromise and find a balance that works for the 2 of you!
3. 50/50 is only in divorce!!! Each of you have to as close to 100%, at all times, as possible. You will have yo-yo days, but both of you have to give everything, to make it work. Even if you have to turn back to stick your tongue out or roll your eyes at your partner. I haven't turned my back for these for years...it usually ends up making us laugh at ourselves and each other these days.
4. Having a common interest is nice, but not a common thing for some couples. While I personally have learned so much from my husband and his family, things like dancing, metaphysics and a natural curiosity are not his thing. I have to give him credit for trying and trying to understand my constant diatribe...it's just not his thing. Just as his conversations about mechanics are not mine. I try to listen to understand...but usually it is a foreign language to me.
5. One area that I have failed terribly at, and am learning as the empty nest gets closer...maintaining a relationship with my husband. When you are in the midst of rearing children, raising children....for good parents, that becomes their life. One area that I recommend learning from my own mistakes, take time weekly for actually dating your partner...not just being a parent, but also a partner. As your children get older, and no longer need your constant attention...your partner is still there, and if you don't nurture that relationship, you will get to the empty nest and not be able to find the spark with each other that you once had.
6. ALWAYS, ALWAYS put your own nuclear family FIRST! Your partner and your children should never play second fiddle to anyone or anything!
7. Jobs are necessary to survive, but if you died tomorrow....they would replace you before your body is ever buried. Don't allow a job to ever become more important than your family.
8. Celebrate EVERYTHING!!! Whether that is a new job, a holiday, a hallmark holiday, or as simple as just waking up every morning. Life is tough enough without living in constant low energy. Get up, get dressed, and find something daily to celebrate. Even if you have to break out some dressy clothes, and heals...put on some makeup and celebrate waking up today to see another day! Stop focusing on all the negativity. It's merely a distraction.
9. Sometimes, you have to remind your partner how lucky they are! 😁 Seriously, we are all guilty of taking for granted what we perceive as a sure thing. While I am blessed, a time a couple of summers ago comes to mind, when I was trying to help my husband put in new fence. He's kind of like a non-military drill sergeant when it comes to some things. I wasn't doing something the way he wanted it done, and I decided then that couples should never build fence together or a threat bodily damage with a shovel tends to happen.
10. Remember you are married to your partner...not their family. So, when the in-laws should be the out-laws....do not ever take that out on them. We can't pick the families we are born into...we can just learn from their mistakes.
11. Truth. I am firm in my belief that you should be completely honest with your partner. However, there are times, when you keep some things to yourself. What I discuss with my friends is not always necessary to spill your guts to your partner...you should have a loyalty to friends too. Just as the craze over cell phones has become a thing....if you don't trust your partner, and feel it necessary to go through their cell phone...you do not need to be together. You are insecure and need to grow up! Develop a relationship of trust before you get married!
12. Your partner will push your buttons from time to time...expect it. Whether that be intentional or not, it's going to happen. Learn to deal with it. You will probably push theirs too.
13. Learn to argue respectfully! Just because you may disagree with each other does not mean you can be an asshole! Many times, I've found we end up arguing...yet we are saying the same things, only differently. Just remember men and women are just wired differently. It's a simple fact. Most men, don't think like we do and honestly...that is a good thing! When you argue, actually listen to understand instead of listening to respond.
14. In all the chaos of being married and having children, you HAVE TO TAKE TIME FOR YOU! You can not give all your time and energy to a job, your partner, and kids; without taking a break for you. If you do, you will become resentful, in a hurry! You can not be the best Mom, Wife, or Employee without refueling. I've made this mistake! Trust me, when you decide to start taking a little time for yourself, you will be bogged down with overwhelming guilty. Even though that is unnecessary, it will get the better of you!
15. Learn to manage your time, wisely. Don't allow yourself to be so over-scheduled that you can't enjoy life. Learn to be happy with nothing to do or places to go.
16. Learn to budget, manage your money, and make investment. Again, from my own experience...I am just now learning the investment side of things. I could have done more for my husband and I had know more years ago. Maybe the stupid inflation wouldn't be knocking the shit out of us right now! I don't care if even the most basic budgeting, LEARN IT!!! Learn to save 20% of your income, and live on the remaining 80%. Learn to live on a single income, even if you have a double income. You will thank me for this when you get ready to retire! We would be in a completely different place had I learned more a long time ago.
17. Learn to shop wisely. This is something that I didn't realize until a few years ago, was even a thing. I was fortunate that my husband and his family showed me how to do this...possibly without even realizing it! After we got married, we have lived a distance from any real town...too much to just go weekly. I learned to plan a menu and purchase the food for that menu. I have spent a lot of years, menu planning and shopping for a month at a time. It cut out a lot of unnecessary expense, and it was one thing I didn't have to figure in my time every week. I still do this, to this day. I plan a menu for a month, go shop for the food, spices, supplies I will need for the month...and I'm done! I won't go again until it's time for the next months needs. It saves you impulse buying, and in turn saves literally...thousands of dollars a year.
18. Learn the art of communication! Love is all you need...is a complete crack of shit! Love does not solve most things. Communication and learning how deal with your partner does! You can love someone without liking them all day long! There is more to communicating than just discussing the weather, the tv program, the kids activities and your jobs. You need to stay in touch with your partner. Make goals together, talk about each others dreams, and even any health concerns. This is supposed to be your PARTNER, meaning they are by your side, even if just rooting you on.
19. Don't forget to show your love. Yes, sex is an important part of your marriage...but it is not the only thing! I can promise you, you will come to a stage in your life that sex is the furthest from your mind, but affection is not! Learn the difference! To me, affection is knowing everyday my husband comes home from work, he hugs & kisses me, and tells me he loves me. It's little notes being left, saying thank you for all you do. It's that surprise bouquet of flowers...the ones he say growing wild on the side of the road and knew I would love. It's making his favorite dessert, just because it's his favorite. It's taking 2 seconds during the day to say, I love you through a text message. It's letting me vent about my crazy family, something stupid a friend did, or rattling on about a million different things; while looking at me like I'm not as crazy as I feel!
20. For this final one, on this post: Never ever forget to say I LOVE YOU! Overuse it! Be dramatic in expressing it. Every day your partner leaves your home, there is a chance something could happen to them. Never allow the last thing you say to someone be anything but, I love you!!
As I end this new series today, I encourage you to add your own thoughts in the comments. Having a child about to enter the world of matrimony, has be praying that I can save them some of the chaos we have dealt with. I'm sure they will find plenty of their own, but I will help where I can. Be watching the next Coffee Chat for a run down of my 2022 series of writings. I hope you will all join me in this journey and feel free to add your suggestions too!
Salli
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