Normally, I would put my thoughts into a coffee chat, but today I think this is more about a mind release single chat. Yes, I will probably have several subjects here, but today blog is about unloading this heavy weight of thoughts.
I have to begin knowing how blessed I really am. I have the best family, that is healthy, a beautiful home, food to eat, some incredible friends, and live in a heavenly area that is blessed with more open land than people. I am beyond grateful that I was lead to this state 25 years ago. More over, I am so happy, even though there has been some rough times, that I found my husband. Yes, there are still days when we bump heads, but I know if needed, he will be there for me without a doubt. We have 4 amazing kids, 2 biological, 2 not. All of them, make our family whole - even if unique.
My husband and I have an interesting extended family, since both our parents are divorced and remarried. While this is not that uncommon anymore, it was years ago and makes life pretty interesting. I have learned a lot with all the parents/in-laws. I need to touch on the stuff learned from my in-laws, as that has really had an effect on my life the past 24 years. I married into a family of farmers/rural Americans. While this may not be significant to some, it was a direct opposite of how I grew up. My Dad has always planted a garden, but that was my only "connection" to farm life. I grew up with the conveniences of town close by. Shortly after getting married, I went to visit one of my husband's grandmothers. To say I was shocked at our conversation, would be an understatement! She told me, if I was going to be married to her grandson, I had better learn to take care of him and our family, the way their family had done. I truly loved this woman! So, I took her advice, and began learning what I didn't know. Over 20 years later and I'm still learning, and wish she was alive today - many times, to ask her opinions and advice! *Before all the feminist movement bullshit begins, it IS my job to take care of my family, husband included. It IS also my job to support him and his decisions. Just as it is his job with me.* The ONLY thing 50/50 is divorce!!!
Let me explain some of what I have learned. That early conversation with Grandma J. included teaching me how to preserve and grow food, lessons on using a pressure canner, lessons on how to menu plan with very little money, how to stretch food and a recipe(that I wish I could find again) for my husband's favorite cookie. Grandma J. and I had so many long conversations that had sound advice, I miss them and her!! On the other side, were my husband's other grandparents. The ran a business for years, in smalltown USA. Truly a rural general store, from the stories I heard. I learned a lot from them too. His Grandpa and I had a lot of conversations through the years too. Everything from giving flack about being a "city girl" to taking care of his grandson, to listening to my own knowing on situations, to putting my family first, and even telling me when I was not using my "noggin'." Even my direct in-laws have been a saving grace, in their own ways. With 4 in-laws, I've heard plenty of out-law jokes...and we have hit heads but I value them and their opinions. I have a farmer and teacher, and a nurse and foundry tech within this group. Getting advice and guidance is never in short supply. I know I can depend on every one of these family members!! That is not something I say often.
Depending on people is not something I do, or easily. I don't trust, and I don't make it a habit to depend on anyone. Typically, when you depend on someone else, you are let down or disappointed. My own expectations are usually tested. I think this is for most people. We depend on/trust people, with the expectations of what we would do/be, and we are let down and disappointed/hurt. I'm not going to dwell here, because I have had to move past this.
I have learned that finding outlets for anger, sadness, frustration, or whatever negative energy you may feel, is necessary. It's similar to young people that have attention issues; they need an outlet, structure, and discipline not medication! Whatever outlet that allows the energy to be positively dispersed, is constructive NOT destructive. Most of you, by now, know that gardening is a huge outlet for me. Through the years though, I have found peace in: wood working, photography, my chickens & ducks, landscaping(though I have to wait on financial resources for a lot of that), reading, writing, and music. However, I can tell when I don't get the opportunity to focus on one of those outlets, my own attention span tends to become chaos. I am there now! I can truly relate to many with ADD/ADHD at the moment! I have been stuck indoors for way too long, I have had too much on my plate for way too, I have struggled through several issues that knocked the wind out of my sails since July of last year. I am still struggling to get my feet firmly planted on the ground. Does this mean I will give up or quit? HELL NO!!!! It just makes me more determined to get where I know I can get...it's just taking a lot longer than anticipated. I got knocked down, wasn't prepared, and I landed hard....but that just means the come back will be greater.
As I said in one of my coffee chats, I have a lot of writing plans for this year. I am planning to work on some projects(the cheap ones!) this year that help me. I've already started some garden seed indoors, which is now going to require me to get some sort of small greenhouse build because aside from my dining room table, I'm out of flat surfaces! I'm working on a photography project to make some calendars. I have a pallet sofa project for our deck that I have put off, and I plan to work on that this summer. I am also working towards pushing my family to slow down just a little to allow time for some enjoyment/swimming/bonfires. Our family has morning chores, works 9 hour days at jobs(me at the house), some have second jobs, then another hour or two on evening farm chores, we eat dinners late, then it's showers, a short span of relaxing and then bed...just to get up and do it all over again. Getting away from the farm, is nearly impossible, and honestly...we don't want to leave usually. This is our love. As I said earlier, we have more open land and animals, than people.
I have undoubtedly struggled with several areas of my life, but I am a strong woman. Not necessarily physically - I do have my limits, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have had enough changes in the past year to turn my structured life on its head. While a lot of it has pissed off, it's pushing me to be stronger yet. It's reminding me exactly who's child I am. God never gives us more than we can handle, even if he gives us more credit than we give ourselves.
S.
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