Conversations matter

 

 

 

 

I have heard a lot people talk about needing to find themselves. I get the concept, but I don't know that I have ever fully understood it. That is, until very recently. While it is very unique to each individual person, it seems that we work so hard to be everything to everyone, that we lose ourselves. We lose direction, and end up spending the majority of time, living in survival mode. Whether that is raising children, the roller coaster of relationships, or even for many...at their jobs; we get stuck in a rut of doing what we have to, just to get through. 

 

I recently had a conversation, at one of my lowest points, and a term came up that actually fit what I have been feeling. You see, over a few years and several issues, I have been treading water(and not doing that well). I have been in a serious rut of trying to help everyone, be what everyone else needs me to be, keep up with my home, my family and extended families, manage grief, manage betrayal, juggle marital changes, juggle mothering changes, and juggle my own changes of phases in life...all within 3 years. I have gotten bogged down enough it has resulted in serious health issues for most of 3 years. That rut has gotten extremely deep. This year, has multiple low points in my own self worth, self acceptance, and self criticism. August brought my lowest points to date. I've had no one to talk through all chaos so I could pull myself up again. It wasn't until that recent conversation, that the term "self preservation," hit the nail on the head. I had finally sunk low enough to need realize not only do I need to refocus on this...but also that means I have to make immediate changes. I have to put a priority on my own needs, or I won't be worth a crap to anyone else. I can not change other people, that is on them, but I can do what I need to make myself whole again. The bottom line of that conversation, I can't worry about the areas outside of my control and not everything is going to be equal. You get what you give. Sadly, if my head was not so muddied up, it was the same advice I would give...to someone else! It's kinda crazy how we can give advice, and not utilize the same advice when it's us in the moment. 

 

Many of my blogs over the years, have been written to try to help others. My thought has always been, maybe if someone sees them, and is dealing with similar circumstances...it will give them the strength to keep going and know they are not alone. Strange, how alone you can feel, when you are in the trench. A lot of people talk about all their friends, but I wonder how many of those friends would be there when you are at the bottom of barrel, with nothing to offer. Trust is a big thing for me. I do not trust many. So, my circle stays pretty small. I have people I call friends, but aside from about a handful...they aren't the ones I trust with my most sensitive information. Once in a while, the most trusted friends, are the ones that show up unknowing the war zone they are walking into...and help you find a level playing field to carry on from! 

 

So, even though you may not have all the answers - yet, you are on solid ground. And that is definitely a good place to start. Now, I have to find a path that works best for me. I need to find preservation that will allow me to be the best I can be, in all aspects of my life.  Learning to set boundaries, and letting go of those that can't respect those boundaries. Even learning what I need to, to allow me to be where I need to be...that part is a bit daunting. That may mean learning a new skill set, updating old ones, even so far as eating crow to ask for guidance. No man is an island, we all need someone, at some point. You just have to accept that and be willing reach out. Having a solid, dependable and knowledgeable circle is worth its weight in gold!

Coffee Chat - Deep Thoughts

 

 

 

 

Believe it or not, for everything I say, there's a million things I DON'T say. I observe a LOT, and have honed in on my own intuition and discernment. All of this, has played into better insight but has also left me bewilder a lot. Not knowing how to manage or tactfully say what I feel is important, ends up leading to not saying anything, and in turn, leads to feeling overwhelmed. So, I am going to unpack a few subjects today, and wade through some thoughts. 

 

Weeding through the tangled webs of thought, can be a little messy. It tends to lead to upset in people that are easily offended, or weaker minded. So, this is one area - leadership. Over the last several decades, leadership has taken a big hit. To be a valuable and effective leader, you need to be willing and able to work along side those not in that position, be capable of empowering those around you to be better, stronger and effective. You have to be capable and willing to teach/direct those around you, so you don't have to micromanage, or constantly hand hold to get tasks accomplished. You have to be able to weed through those lacking in ability for a job, those abusing or behaving lazily, and those that are not cost effect for whatever job/industry you are working on. Nothing will kill a great employee faster that seeing a poor one excel because they are willing kiss more ass. I think we have all seen how a lack of leadership can make or break any industry - including countries. When a poor employee is costing a job money, not pulling their weight, or creating unhealthy environments; to see that "leader" moving up, creates very unstable environments. A true leader is not one that sits in a tower shouting orders, a leader is in the trenches working shoulder to shoulder and helping each worker excel in the areas they can reach their maximum potential. Some leaders are just born with a natural talent, others can learn to be good and effective leaders. 

 

Along the same path, the roles people play in our lives can be natural or learnt. While I get a lot of grief about my antiquated beliefs,  I firmly believe this has brought on the majority of issues today. I believe that the role men play in relationships has become a crux for the messed up world we live in. So many men, have been de-masculinized and removed from the intended role of leaders in family. The family unit has taken a huge hit, and especially when divorces became easier to get than job, while women gained a lot during the suffrage movement, society went to hell. I firmly believe that men and women, have strong roles to play, but they are different roles - neither less important than the other but individually important. Men, in the biblical sense, were created to be strong, hunters/gathers, and heads of a family. Women, to be the nurturers, the creators of life, the home makers. Relationships were bonded in these roles. Men and women are created differently to fulfill these role. We are not equal, because we were never meant to be. We have equal but DIFFERENT roles. A family, should have both roles represented. Instead, many of today's people have a beer-goggle view of what a family is. It shows up in all the social media - parents can't wait to push their kids out - whether it's to school, extra-curricular or on their own, men not taking on the roles of breadwinner and protector, women not taking the nurturing roles a "mom" serious, children not having good role models/responsibility/discipline. It comes back to - "everyone wants rights, but no one wants responsibility." Now, I am not a believer in dealing with abuse, BUT if you think back just a few generations ago...relationships have always had issues. Our grandparents/great-grandparents, lived by the theory of working through those issues - you know, you fixed what was broken, not just throw it out. We have become a society of disposability, and instant gratifications. We have become dependent on debt, handouts, and living outside our means. Women used to take pride in making their house into a home, raising their children, having children, being the backbone on their home. Now, if you hear talk about someone being a home maker...it is looked down on, and even degraded by many. This is an area I personally know, as fact. I have been a home maker for the better part of 24 years. I have heard all the belittling comments - why don't you go get a "real" job, you don't work - it must be nice to stay home all the time, you are ruining your children's lives by not putting them in daycare/school/etc. Along with a hundred other comments. What so many don't understand, I DO work - 24/7/365, no vacations, no sick days, no wage increase, no breaks. My "job" is, in my eyes, the most important job in the world. I am a Mom and a wife. I gave birth to two children, and have several bonus children I have welcomed into my home and family. I brought two little miracles into this world, that means it is MY responsibility to raise/care/educate them. PERIOD! I take my responsibilities extremely serious, always have. It is not the job of anyone else to care for these children, provide for them, or in any fashion educate them. It has been my job to try to teach them right from wrong, to teach them strong morals and values, to teach them the importance of their roles in life, and to prepare them for the messed up world we are currently living in. It's not an easy task, when there are so many bad influences and screwed up morals. It just makes me push even harder for my children to see and understand their responsibilities even more. The family unit has taken a massive hit for several generations now, and you see the results in the several generations of late.

This leads directly to responsibility. This was driven into my head from as far back as I can remember. In my case, it was - you are the oldest that means you have to set a good example for your younger siblings, it meant in my case - stepping in to not only babysit but parent my siblings at times, it meant checking off the boxes that were, at that time, the acceptable way to live(graduate high school, go to college, avoid run-ins with the law, get married, have children, provide, buy a house, etc.). I did all of that. Much of my choices, were made trying to set good examples without learning who I was or could be. I was expected to be a certain way, and I did my best to stay in that lane; even if I swerved a few times. I wanted to make my parents proud, and in turn, I thought it would make me a good person. In many ways, staying in that lane drove home what my responsibilities were and should be. In other ways, it created unrealistic expectations and in my eyes...it has caused me to keep myself in situations I shouldn't have stayed in, out of a misplaced sense of responsibility. The one thing I have learned, I am not much different than a lot of others in my age group and birth position. Being the oldest child always comes with bigger and more defined expectations, and has for forever. 

In a time as we are, where this whole conversation of mental health has gone off the rails...it would be easy to start throwing blame and excuses, as many do. I'm not going to. I'm not going to blame anyone for the choices I have or will make, those are mine. Maybe prior to becoming an adult there were choices made for me, but I am too old to keep blaming that. I am responsible for me and have been for almost 32 years. I have made choices and decisions that have both good and bad, I have moments of being extremely bitter about things, I have moments when I let my heart override my common sense, and there are days I do ask...what I did to deserve whatever has happened. I'm flawed just as everyone is. I refuse to allow excuses in my life. I have tried to learn from every experience, to grow and become a better person from the negatives, and to make more positives a normal. I don't always succeed, and there are days I need to hear that I am doing ok and not screwing everything up. Again, I'm human, but living for accolades, praise and constant coddling...no thanks! That's for the weak. That is one thing I will never be, at least not for more than a short period. Weakness breeds excuses and allows manipulation, and steam rolling by people that need to degrade others to feel better about themselves. I say what I believe and what I see as truth, but never outside my 4 walls. I don't do gossip, I go to the source and get truth. Lies irritate me and I will walk away from anyone that proves they can't be trusted. 

I don't handle shallowness well. I think deep, and that tends to make it difficult for some to manage. I refuse to play games. Be real, be honest, or stay away. I have struggled with having to step back and allow truths to be revealed, and they will be. The only areas that I will go to bat for, are my children, my husband, my way of life and the veterans. I have noticed my inner circle getting smaller than ever lately, and know many that have said the same thing. When you are observant enough, people reveal their true colors. It's just very sad to me that so much has become fake, irresponsible and manipulated. 

I'm leaving this here. This is my outlet for releasing thoughts. As there are still plenty of areas that need to be addressed, and I will be in a video later today or tomorrow. I am finishing this and sending a prayer to find like minded, relatable people. That I will continue to be guided by the hands of our mighty Creator. Even if he must put an arm around my shoulder and his hand over my mouth!

Coffee Chat and More

 

As coffee chats go, I have a lot to touch on. Many times, I don't dig in real deep because I refuse to call out or spotlight people directly, online. Sometimes, it's just thoughts and if the shoe fits someone, well...so be it. I, myself, am in a bit of hog tied position on many subjects. Many effect me directly, some indirectly...and others just upset me. So, you just never know which is which unless I directly point them out. Today, a few I am going to directly point out, with my own lessons learned. While I work hard to be a good person, I am just as flawed as everyone else. 

I became a mom in 2000. While I will admit that raising children is tough, it is truly the greatest blessing in life. I remember the early years, like they were yesterday. The many nights of no sleep, the constant crying, the feeling of overwhelm, not knowing what to do to help that screaming baby, the millions of diapers, the teething, the bumps/bruises, the first day of being away from me, the first heart break, the friendships, the loss of friendships, the teenage drama, the first driving alone...all of it plays like a movie. I remember thinking that being a parent had to be easier as they got older. Boy, was I wrong! Last year, my oldest got married. MARRIED! I am sure every parent experiences this, at some point, but I have struggled. My oldest was an only child for 8 years. It has felt like I am raising 2 only children. Each one in different phases of life. I have been blessed to be a stay-at-home-mom with my kids. So, I have spent pretty much, 24/7 with my kids. It's a challenge to teach your children, knowing they are learning to spread their wings(as they should) to build a life separate from they one you have raised them in. This is what parents are supposed to do. The most difficult part, is not only trusting that you have given them the basic needs to do so, but then learning...as a parent, when they do things differently, no matter the outcome, that they are now the sole responsible party, and you have to sit by...even if grumbling under your breath. For me, I question if I truly gave my oldest ALL the tools to grow beyond anything I could. I question if I am giving my youngest every possible option or opportunity to expand and grow. This may just be a normal parent's worry...but it's a worry none-the-less. Some decisions to keep young ears from harsh realities, has already proven to be a mistake. Kids do not come with instruction manuals, and having a network a quality support was a treasure I miss. I can tell you, I spend so much time praying for my kids, especially now that they have gotten older. Children are a blessing, raising children is not easy, and when they get older/move out/get married....not only do have extra prayers for their partners, but you pray so hard for them, and pieces of your heart are with them, where ever they are.

The end of this year, I hit the big 5-0. A milestone that has seemed to change a lot of people through the years. I can tell you, I am not where I thought I would be, even though I don't know where that was. A few things I can say; I no longer care what others think of me - I am overall happy with who I am as a person, through all the B.S. life has thrown at me to date - I have not become bitter or hateful, I have enough experiences to know absolutely nothing is black or white - there is grey(compromise) on everything, happiness, peace, and well being MUST be an inside job - while there are extreme cases that require help, a majority of mental health is a lack of self responsibility and too many excuses - not a popular opinion - but I've been in "mental health" counseling and seen the deeper damage caused. 

I have seen how extreme trauma effects some incredibly strong people. Most notably, our veterans and those who have been assaulted. It takes a person who is incredibly strong just to live through that, let alone to have to live with it. However, there has been several years now when many people have been convinced that they are constantly a victim, that has made for very weak minded. We have not held people responsible for their own actions and consequences for a very long time. Instead, it's blamed on others. The parts that stood out to me in my own experience - it's because your parents divorced, because you forced to grow up, because you trying to get attention, because you felt you were not being heard, this person made you feel insignificant, that person did that because they knew you wouldn't be believed, you were just a victim. This was when I said, ENOUGH! I know what happened and what happened to me....I have dealt with it all, in a way that allowed me to move on. Digging all those dark and negative emotions back up, did nothing more than to bring my own progress into a tail spin...again! No thank you!! MANY years ago, I learned to manage my own life. Not to depend on anyone. I took responsibility for the direction I WANTED my life to go. All those "excuses" that were being drug back out, were the "excuses" I used to do and be better! I CHOSE to accept and find the positive aspects that could help me exceed in my life. I had a couple very head-strong, and positive influences/mentors that came along at the right time of life, to show me how to positively direct negatives. I just had to learn how stop using a victim mentality, and start using a "warrior" mentality. Sometimes, I still have to be reminded, but that is where a strong tribe of great people comes in. It's when you let too many weak people in your circle that you start taking steps backward instead of forward. It's those weak people that want to bring you down to their playing field so they aren't forced to step up or step out. It has taken me many years to understand this, and there have been plenty that have tried to pull me backward. That is why having a strong mind, strong will and self-responsibility is highly important. 

All of that, is the reason I have high expectations. I don't trust people, so when I give trust...that is a big deal. When that trust is broken, again...that is a big deal. I'm sure many places are the same, but where I live, it's referred to a gossip central. You can pretty much guarantee the ones that will have "the gossip" on about every happening in our area, have an opinion on every person, and there is a great chance all those sharing gossip...also, have plenty of gossiping happening about them. I just made the comment yesterday, "be careful of the gossip the hear and share, cause those gossiping to you, are probably gossiping about you." It's pathetic, but that seems to be the case everywhere. People are more concerned to talk about others instead of handling their own lives. Whatever. I guess if people are talking about me...they are leaving others alone, and at least they are thinking about me. I will talk to my own family about things I don't care for, but unless one of them shoots off their mouth in public...it won't be me. I'm a firm believer that the karma bus is all seeing and all knowing, and so is God. I'm pretty content to just stay in my little corner of the world, with all our animals, and live a peaceful life. I don't need spotlights, I don't need constant accolades, I don't need constant people making me feel like I am more than I am, and I don't need fake anything. With me, what you see is what you get...the good, bad and ugly. And that depends on the day, and how I'm treated. 

With the high expectations, I've heard that I "think I'm better than everyone." HA! Okay, being honest here...there are certain times, that is not wrong. If I learned anything through years of that worthless counseling...it's that my life could have taken a completely different direction, and that would have carried on a cycle. So, yes, in that case....I am better. I broke a cycle. I refuse to live in even the smallest similarity to that cycle. I am better than that, BUT I work hard to stay in this better area. I've worked hard to teach my children to not fall backward into the cycle I broke out of. Again, sometimes, shielding our children from some of the harsh realities of life is a huge mistake. Life is not a matter of easy or hard, it's about what YOU make it. It's about building on your starting point, and doing better each and every day. You will have set backs, but it's not an excuse to stop. Those set backs are there to make you reconsider, and learn from mistakes, not make excuses. 

I think one of the biggest obstacles we face, as a society today, is our expectations. We expect certain things, then get disappointed and we don't know how to manage those disappointments. So, we find coping mechanisms. Those are so numerous, but a couple of big ones I've seen is shopping and bad habits. We are never taught how to manage stress or disappointment anymore....how many of us have been told by doctors, that we need to "manage" our stress?! How in the heck do you do that?! My answer a few months back was, "yeah right!" It's funny, because the answers started bombarding me last week and have continued into yesterday. There is only so much we have control over. Yes, there are several people that have told me through the years, but until you get it...you don't. Yesterday, was my "duh" moment. It was my conversations, my reaching out to a trusted friend, it was my meditations; and culminated in a dream overnight. I can talk until I look like a smurf, I can explain, show proof, tell people all day long that I will not speak on things I don't have knowledge of, I can get angry and even try to play referee BUT I can not force someone else to see or understand anything, unless THEY ARE READY! Mind blowing? Not really, but it still stopped me in my tracks. A quick back story, 9 years ago, the pre-menopausal bus began running my ass over! I'm talking about running me over, backing up and doing this again and again. It has seriously taken a massive toll on me and my body. It sent me into a tail spin, that I'm finally seeing a light at the end of this very dark tunnel! Literally, each day, brings more and more light. Sadly, my own tailspin, has resulted in some serious bad behaviors from those I love the most, and been causing some serious blow ups. While I may have been able to mediate a little better, this is NOT on me. I have fought 9 years of just trying to swim instead of drown. However, seeing those I love the most hurt, is hurtful to me. Especially with something that is avoidable. See, I like to talk and talk out issues. I firmly believe that Communication AND Comprehension MUST go hand in hand...when you are missing one or the other, you don't have either. While I am stubborn....some of my loved ones, have me beat hands down! That is on them. I have learned to speak and listen, to ask questions and try to comprehend and understand both sides of a story - without dealing with a public spectacle. I would rather hash out an issue at my table, rather than deal with a lot of B.S. There are plenty of heated discussions, and I do raise my voice when necessary. However, no one can listen AND hear, when everyone is yelling and unwilling to communicate AND comprehend. 

Herein that exact conversation comes into play with every aspect of life. It's happening in homes, families, clear up to politics and religion. The political side is all about mud-slinging, instead of fact and policy. Religion is based on one group is better than the other. Families have walked away from values, morals and taking care of each other, and too many homes are being destroyed those who believe that "misery loves company." You can't positively influence anyone who isn't willing to do the work required to be better. I don't care if children, spouses, families communities or otherwise...if you are not willing to put in the work, the effort, the communication, the comprehension; to do, be and make a better life - you are creating the opposite. 

I am personally going to spend some time today with my own "ah ha" information. I have a lot of flaws, but I am willing to learn from my mistakes, and try to do better. I have a lot of projects on my plate, some I have let slide while getting too stressed and allowing things out of my control to bog me down. Maybe my own experiences will help someone else to be able to step into their own light!

I do know...

 

So, I am attempting to work through some anger management this weekend. Throw in feeling hurt and used...and you've got a perfect storm. I have worked hard to be a good person, not revengeful or mean, but honest to a fault. When you have dealt with lies, manipulation, and guilt trips; for me, this has driven me to work hard to be the exact opposite! I have seen a lot of things this year, I hadn't thought I'd ever see let alone having to see it again. I have spent years trying to overcome, and rise above a cycle that I was fortunate enough to be shown at an impressionable time in my life. There are actually 2 people that I can really credit with helping me to grow and overcome, and know that I could rise up to be a person I could be proud of. 

As a younger person, I ventured off on my own, to build my own life. I have done the box check off's that I was expected to, as I learned when I was young. Graduate high school, go to college, get a degree, get married, have children, raise those children, buy a house, and work hard. I have worked hard to be responsible, and attempt to be a decent person. In all of these years, I have never felt the need to broadcast everything I have done to help others. I have not felt it was my place to call out individuals for bad behavior, or things have been done to me directly. I believe that all those behaviors will have to answered for, but not by me, by God. So, I've attempted to take the high road. I'm not perfect, I am judgemental and I have made bad decisions, BUT I work hard every day to be better. However, today I am struggling to be a bigger person. 

I have done so much, because I felt it was the right thing to do. I have truly attempted to help so many, to give them a hand up - NOT a hand out. Yet, most of the time, I find myself having to defend every attempt to help because those receiving the help, don't attempt to do better. So, I am then put into a very bad position in my own life, again. Many years of trying to help, has resulted in arguments in my own home and pressure on my own budget. I can deal with all of that, IF there wasn't a constant reminder of the outcome. So, when I get calls asking me to help, it upsets people when I am no longer willing to help. 

I worked hard to raise my children to be leaders, to have values and morals that revolve around OUR family. That we are honest, even when it results in arguments. To hold OUR family to the highest standards. I expect honesty, hard work, working to be the best person they can be, to be responsible. What our family has experienced is a lot of outside interference. The one thing that a LOT of people do not realize, when it comes to my family, I will do everything within my power to protect them. That includes removing people from my life. I have worked too hard, fought through too much alone, to allow for anymore nonsense. I have sat back and bit my tongue, while watching irresponsibility run amok. I have accepted that once the older kids have expanded their wings, that I have to allow them to learn - sometimes the hard way. Sitting back while they are put into positions of learning the hard, by manipulation and poor role models....that is becoming more difficult. I won't be sitting back for much longer. 

I am not lowering my standards for anyone. You become what you associate with. Today, I will finish this saying, either step up or step out. I'm done allowing games, manipulations, and self-induced drama in my life. We have worked hard for the life we have had. I have done a LOT alone, that doesn't bother me. At least in that scenario, I never have to question trust and respect.