I have heard a lot people talk about needing to find themselves. I get the concept, but I don't know that I have ever fully understood it. That is, until very recently. While it is very unique to each individual person, it seems that we work so hard to be everything to everyone, that we lose ourselves. We lose direction, and end up spending the majority of time, living in survival mode. Whether that is raising children, the roller coaster of relationships, or even for many...at their jobs; we get stuck in a rut of doing what we have to, just to get through.
I recently had a conversation, at one of my lowest points, and a term came up that actually fit what I have been feeling. You see, over a few years and several issues, I have been treading water(and not doing that well). I have been in a serious rut of trying to help everyone, be what everyone else needs me to be, keep up with my home, my family and extended families, manage grief, manage betrayal, juggle marital changes, juggle mothering changes, and juggle my own changes of phases in life...all within 3 years. I have gotten bogged down enough it has resulted in serious health issues for most of 3 years. That rut has gotten extremely deep. This year, has multiple low points in my own self worth, self acceptance, and self criticism. August brought my lowest points to date. I've had no one to talk through all chaos so I could pull myself up again. It wasn't until that recent conversation, that the term "self preservation," hit the nail on the head. I had finally sunk low enough to need realize not only do I need to refocus on this...but also that means I have to make immediate changes. I have to put a priority on my own needs, or I won't be worth a crap to anyone else. I can not change other people, that is on them, but I can do what I need to make myself whole again. The bottom line of that conversation, I can't worry about the areas outside of my control and not everything is going to be equal. You get what you give. Sadly, if my head was not so muddied up, it was the same advice I would give...to someone else! It's kinda crazy how we can give advice, and not utilize the same advice when it's us in the moment.
Many of my blogs over the years, have been written to try to help others. My thought has always been, maybe if someone sees them, and is dealing with similar circumstances...it will give them the strength to keep going and know they are not alone. Strange, how alone you can feel, when you are in the trench. A lot of people talk about all their friends, but I wonder how many of those friends would be there when you are at the bottom of barrel, with nothing to offer. Trust is a big thing for me. I do not trust many. So, my circle stays pretty small. I have people I call friends, but aside from about a handful...they aren't the ones I trust with my most sensitive information. Once in a while, the most trusted friends, are the ones that show up unknowing the war zone they are walking into...and help you find a level playing field to carry on from!
So, even though you may not have all the answers - yet, you are on solid ground. And that is definitely a good place to start. Now, I have to find a path that works best for me. I need to find preservation that will allow me to be the best I can be, in all aspects of my life. Learning to set boundaries, and letting go of those that can't respect those boundaries. Even learning what I need to, to allow me to be where I need to be...that part is a bit daunting. That may mean learning a new skill set, updating old ones, even so far as eating crow to ask for guidance. No man is an island, we all need someone, at some point. You just have to accept that and be willing reach out. Having a solid, dependable and knowledgeable circle is worth its weight in gold!
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