So, I am attempting to work through some anger management this weekend. Throw in feeling hurt and used...and you've got a perfect storm. I have worked hard to be a good person, not revengeful or mean, but honest to a fault. When you have dealt with lies, manipulation, and guilt trips; for me, this has driven me to work hard to be the exact opposite! I have seen a lot of things this year, I hadn't thought I'd ever see let alone having to see it again. I have spent years trying to overcome, and rise above a cycle that I was fortunate enough to be shown at an impressionable time in my life. There are actually 2 people that I can really credit with helping me to grow and overcome, and know that I could rise up to be a person I could be proud of.
As a younger person, I ventured off on my own, to build my own life. I have done the box check off's that I was expected to, as I learned when I was young. Graduate high school, go to college, get a degree, get married, have children, raise those children, buy a house, and work hard. I have worked hard to be responsible, and attempt to be a decent person. In all of these years, I have never felt the need to broadcast everything I have done to help others. I have not felt it was my place to call out individuals for bad behavior, or things have been done to me directly. I believe that all those behaviors will have to answered for, but not by me, by God. So, I've attempted to take the high road. I'm not perfect, I am judgemental and I have made bad decisions, BUT I work hard every day to be better. However, today I am struggling to be a bigger person.
I have done so much, because I felt it was the right thing to do. I have truly attempted to help so many, to give them a hand up - NOT a hand out. Yet, most of the time, I find myself having to defend every attempt to help because those receiving the help, don't attempt to do better. So, I am then put into a very bad position in my own life, again. Many years of trying to help, has resulted in arguments in my own home and pressure on my own budget. I can deal with all of that, IF there wasn't a constant reminder of the outcome. So, when I get calls asking me to help, it upsets people when I am no longer willing to help.
I worked hard to raise my children to be leaders, to have values and morals that revolve around OUR family. That we are honest, even when it results in arguments. To hold OUR family to the highest standards. I expect honesty, hard work, working to be the best person they can be, to be responsible. What our family has experienced is a lot of outside interference. The one thing that a LOT of people do not realize, when it comes to my family, I will do everything within my power to protect them. That includes removing people from my life. I have worked too hard, fought through too much alone, to allow for anymore nonsense. I have sat back and bit my tongue, while watching irresponsibility run amok. I have accepted that once the older kids have expanded their wings, that I have to allow them to learn - sometimes the hard way. Sitting back while they are put into positions of learning the hard, by manipulation and poor role models....that is becoming more difficult. I won't be sitting back for much longer.
I am not lowering my standards for anyone. You become what you associate with. Today, I will finish this saying, either step up or step out. I'm done allowing games, manipulations, and self-induced drama in my life. We have worked hard for the life we have had. I have done a LOT alone, that doesn't bother me. At least in that scenario, I never have to question trust and respect.
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