As coffee chats go, I have a lot to touch on. Many times, I don't dig in real deep because I refuse to call out or spotlight people directly, online. Sometimes, it's just thoughts and if the shoe fits someone, well...so be it. I, myself, am in a bit of hog tied position on many subjects. Many effect me directly, some indirectly...and others just upset me. So, you just never know which is which unless I directly point them out. Today, a few I am going to directly point out, with my own lessons learned. While I work hard to be a good person, I am just as flawed as everyone else.
I became a mom in 2000. While I will admit that raising children is tough, it is truly the greatest blessing in life. I remember the early years, like they were yesterday. The many nights of no sleep, the constant crying, the feeling of overwhelm, not knowing what to do to help that screaming baby, the millions of diapers, the teething, the bumps/bruises, the first day of being away from me, the first heart break, the friendships, the loss of friendships, the teenage drama, the first driving alone...all of it plays like a movie. I remember thinking that being a parent had to be easier as they got older. Boy, was I wrong! Last year, my oldest got married. MARRIED! I am sure every parent experiences this, at some point, but I have struggled. My oldest was an only child for 8 years. It has felt like I am raising 2 only children. Each one in different phases of life. I have been blessed to be a stay-at-home-mom with my kids. So, I have spent pretty much, 24/7 with my kids. It's a challenge to teach your children, knowing they are learning to spread their wings(as they should) to build a life separate from they one you have raised them in. This is what parents are supposed to do. The most difficult part, is not only trusting that you have given them the basic needs to do so, but then learning...as a parent, when they do things differently, no matter the outcome, that they are now the sole responsible party, and you have to sit by...even if grumbling under your breath. For me, I question if I truly gave my oldest ALL the tools to grow beyond anything I could. I question if I am giving my youngest every possible option or opportunity to expand and grow. This may just be a normal parent's worry...but it's a worry none-the-less. Some decisions to keep young ears from harsh realities, has already proven to be a mistake. Kids do not come with instruction manuals, and having a network a quality support was a treasure I miss. I can tell you, I spend so much time praying for my kids, especially now that they have gotten older. Children are a blessing, raising children is not easy, and when they get older/move out/get married....not only do have extra prayers for their partners, but you pray so hard for them, and pieces of your heart are with them, where ever they are.
The end of this year, I hit the big 5-0. A milestone that has seemed to change a lot of people through the years. I can tell you, I am not where I thought I would be, even though I don't know where that was. A few things I can say; I no longer care what others think of me - I am overall happy with who I am as a person, through all the B.S. life has thrown at me to date - I have not become bitter or hateful, I have enough experiences to know absolutely nothing is black or white - there is grey(compromise) on everything, happiness, peace, and well being MUST be an inside job - while there are extreme cases that require help, a majority of mental health is a lack of self responsibility and too many excuses - not a popular opinion - but I've been in "mental health" counseling and seen the deeper damage caused.
I have seen how extreme trauma effects some incredibly strong people. Most notably, our veterans and those who have been assaulted. It takes a person who is incredibly strong just to live through that, let alone to have to live with it. However, there has been several years now when many people have been convinced that they are constantly a victim, that has made for very weak minded. We have not held people responsible for their own actions and consequences for a very long time. Instead, it's blamed on others. The parts that stood out to me in my own experience - it's because your parents divorced, because you forced to grow up, because you trying to get attention, because you felt you were not being heard, this person made you feel insignificant, that person did that because they knew you wouldn't be believed, you were just a victim. This was when I said, ENOUGH! I know what happened and what happened to me....I have dealt with it all, in a way that allowed me to move on. Digging all those dark and negative emotions back up, did nothing more than to bring my own progress into a tail spin...again! No thank you!! MANY years ago, I learned to manage my own life. Not to depend on anyone. I took responsibility for the direction I WANTED my life to go. All those "excuses" that were being drug back out, were the "excuses" I used to do and be better! I CHOSE to accept and find the positive aspects that could help me exceed in my life. I had a couple very head-strong, and positive influences/mentors that came along at the right time of life, to show me how to positively direct negatives. I just had to learn how stop using a victim mentality, and start using a "warrior" mentality. Sometimes, I still have to be reminded, but that is where a strong tribe of great people comes in. It's when you let too many weak people in your circle that you start taking steps backward instead of forward. It's those weak people that want to bring you down to their playing field so they aren't forced to step up or step out. It has taken me many years to understand this, and there have been plenty that have tried to pull me backward. That is why having a strong mind, strong will and self-responsibility is highly important.
All of that, is the reason I have high expectations. I don't trust people, so when I give trust...that is a big deal. When that trust is broken, again...that is a big deal. I'm sure many places are the same, but where I live, it's referred to a gossip central. You can pretty much guarantee the ones that will have "the gossip" on about every happening in our area, have an opinion on every person, and there is a great chance all those sharing gossip...also, have plenty of gossiping happening about them. I just made the comment yesterday, "be careful of the gossip the hear and share, cause those gossiping to you, are probably gossiping about you." It's pathetic, but that seems to be the case everywhere. People are more concerned to talk about others instead of handling their own lives. Whatever. I guess if people are talking about me...they are leaving others alone, and at least they are thinking about me. I will talk to my own family about things I don't care for, but unless one of them shoots off their mouth in public...it won't be me. I'm a firm believer that the karma bus is all seeing and all knowing, and so is God. I'm pretty content to just stay in my little corner of the world, with all our animals, and live a peaceful life. I don't need spotlights, I don't need constant accolades, I don't need constant people making me feel like I am more than I am, and I don't need fake anything. With me, what you see is what you get...the good, bad and ugly. And that depends on the day, and how I'm treated.
With the high expectations, I've heard that I "think I'm better than everyone." HA! Okay, being honest here...there are certain times, that is not wrong. If I learned anything through years of that worthless counseling...it's that my life could have taken a completely different direction, and that would have carried on a cycle. So, yes, in that case....I am better. I broke a cycle. I refuse to live in even the smallest similarity to that cycle. I am better than that, BUT I work hard to stay in this better area. I've worked hard to teach my children to not fall backward into the cycle I broke out of. Again, sometimes, shielding our children from some of the harsh realities of life is a huge mistake. Life is not a matter of easy or hard, it's about what YOU make it. It's about building on your starting point, and doing better each and every day. You will have set backs, but it's not an excuse to stop. Those set backs are there to make you reconsider, and learn from mistakes, not make excuses.
I think one of the biggest obstacles we face, as a society today, is our expectations. We expect certain things, then get disappointed and we don't know how to manage those disappointments. So, we find coping mechanisms. Those are so numerous, but a couple of big ones I've seen is shopping and bad habits. We are never taught how to manage stress or disappointment anymore....how many of us have been told by doctors, that we need to "manage" our stress?! How in the heck do you do that?! My answer a few months back was, "yeah right!" It's funny, because the answers started bombarding me last week and have continued into yesterday. There is only so much we have control over. Yes, there are several people that have told me through the years, but until you get it...you don't. Yesterday, was my "duh" moment. It was my conversations, my reaching out to a trusted friend, it was my meditations; and culminated in a dream overnight. I can talk until I look like a smurf, I can explain, show proof, tell people all day long that I will not speak on things I don't have knowledge of, I can get angry and even try to play referee BUT I can not force someone else to see or understand anything, unless THEY ARE READY! Mind blowing? Not really, but it still stopped me in my tracks. A quick back story, 9 years ago, the pre-menopausal bus began running my ass over! I'm talking about running me over, backing up and doing this again and again. It has seriously taken a massive toll on me and my body. It sent me into a tail spin, that I'm finally seeing a light at the end of this very dark tunnel! Literally, each day, brings more and more light. Sadly, my own tailspin, has resulted in some serious bad behaviors from those I love the most, and been causing some serious blow ups. While I may have been able to mediate a little better, this is NOT on me. I have fought 9 years of just trying to swim instead of drown. However, seeing those I love the most hurt, is hurtful to me. Especially with something that is avoidable. See, I like to talk and talk out issues. I firmly believe that Communication AND Comprehension MUST go hand in hand...when you are missing one or the other, you don't have either. While I am stubborn....some of my loved ones, have me beat hands down! That is on them. I have learned to speak and listen, to ask questions and try to comprehend and understand both sides of a story - without dealing with a public spectacle. I would rather hash out an issue at my table, rather than deal with a lot of B.S. There are plenty of heated discussions, and I do raise my voice when necessary. However, no one can listen AND hear, when everyone is yelling and unwilling to communicate AND comprehend.
Herein that exact conversation comes into play with every aspect of life. It's happening in homes, families, clear up to politics and religion. The political side is all about mud-slinging, instead of fact and policy. Religion is based on one group is better than the other. Families have walked away from values, morals and taking care of each other, and too many homes are being destroyed those who believe that "misery loves company." You can't positively influence anyone who isn't willing to do the work required to be better. I don't care if children, spouses, families communities or otherwise...if you are not willing to put in the work, the effort, the communication, the comprehension; to do, be and make a better life - you are creating the opposite.
I am personally going to spend some time today with my own "ah ha" information. I have a lot of flaws, but I am willing to learn from my mistakes, and try to do better. I have a lot of projects on my plate, some I have let slide while getting too stressed and allowing things out of my control to bog me down. Maybe my own experiences will help someone else to be able to step into their own light!
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