May 18 - Coffee Chat

I believe it's a great day for some coffee chat. I personally have an enormous amount of thoughts swirling through my brain and I need to get some of them gone. So, here we go!

It's a pretty cool and wet spring here in the Midwest. I believe last spring began much the same way, wondering if it would ever quit raining and warm up. We've had several beautiful days of sunshine and warm temps, but the cool and wet days are definitely in close competition. As someone who loves to garden, this weather has been really sucky! I got the entire garden in, in late April, only to have the weather turn cold and wet. I have since replanted a lot of plants and several seeds too. It's been a chore to get in the swampy garden to weed, and after last year's fiasco of the weeds taking over...I am struggling to keep up this year and actually have a garden that produces something this year. The good thing so far has been fresh radishes and green onions, we have already gotten from the garden. As I looked at the 7-day forecast this morning though, I wanted to cry! Aside from rain chances 4 out of 7 days this week, the temps look more like March than May! Mid to upper 60's in the daytime and low 40's at night. This is NOT GOOD for a garden! For our family, this garden helps to supplement our grocery budget for the year ahead. To do this though, it requires a LOT of work. It requires caring for the soil to make sure the nutrient levels are correct before planting, working the soil to allow the soil to breath and shift nutrients from the surface into deeper levels, planting seeds/plants, adding additional nutrients throughout the growing season if necessary, keeping the weeds under control to prevent them from soaking up the moisture and nutrients from the garden plants, and eventually harvesting the garden to preserve the produce to use throughout the year. That is just the outside care required. Once the produce is harvested, then you begin the work of preserving all of, and this is a continuous process for several months. It requires several different pieces of produce to be preserved, at the same time. It's not a deal of each different type of plant to produce all at the same time. You may some tomatoes ready, peppers ready, green beans ready and jalapenos ready all at the same time...and they are all preserved differently. A typical year means preserving food from about June until sometimes as late as September. To be honest, this is a true labor of love for me. Although by the end of canning season, I am burned out and ready for the break, know that during the worst weather months, my family will have the best food possible. After a horrible garden season last year, and having to eat mostly store bought foods, I really don't want to ever have to do that again! They do not taste any where near as good and there are virtually no valuable nutrients left in them. Even the raw fruit and vegetables are not as good. So, I am busting my tail to be sure we have our fresh and preserved food supply restocked. There is no greater pride to me, than knowing that 95% of everything consumed in my home (on a normal year) is grown or raised right here.

As with anything you value, there are points of contention that are draw backs. Weighing those draw backs against your goals can be tricky at best. For us, we have not only the gardens, but also livestock. We don't get to travel more than a day or two at a time and someone has to be here continuously to care for all of it. We have animals chores that must be done twice a day, and caring for the garden properly requires at least a little time each day to keep up with it. It does not allow for extended vacations, shoot, even weekend trips require a large amount of planning. Being able to just load up the truck to take off for a weekend get away, does not happen. Living the way we do requires serious commitment and a lifestyle change that has kept me a little off balance for several years now. Even taking off for a day, requires some planning and organizing to allow for several hours away from home. Even something as simple as a trip to the grocery store, for most would be nothing, but for me it is usually a two hour preparation. Aside from the hour long battle with my kids to get ready, it's planning a tentative meal plan, planning a grocery list, trying to think ahead for any possible company or visitors, taking a brief inventory of what we already have, and making a list of nonfood items we may need. I do not have the luxury of just walking up and down isles at a store and grabbing what looks good. I go into a store, my list in hand, get what's on that list, and leave. Aside from not having any big box stores really close to me, all my shopping is done locally. I am not a fan of big box stores anyway, but it seems a frivolous expense to walk into one, and have to walk two miles to find the handful of things I actually buy. Besides, I honestly have better things to do with my time! I don't like to spend money, absolutely hate shopping, and too much of the stuff I see at stores - I look at and think "why on Earth would I buy that, when I could make it; cheaper and it would be more solid." I don't mind going to yard sales, although anymore people are trying to make a mortgage payment off of junk. Occasionally, I will find something useful and be happy I went. When it comes to furniture...I build my own. I have gotten very unhappy with high cost of junk furniture. In 2011, we bought a table and 6 chairs, for $800. Earlier this year, they were falling apart and looked horrible. So, I built a table and 2 benches. They are not the same style, but we have more seating. When I was completely finished with them, I had less than $300 invested in materials and about 10 hours of labor. So about $400 and we have a dining room set that is build to last. That's half the cost of the crap we bought just 4 years ago. Not to mention, buying a set similar to what I built, would have cost us close to $2000. I did the same thing with our bedroom set, a bookcase, a window storage bench, a media center and 2 bookshelves. If we would have had to purchase all of these...we would have been set back about $2800. Instead, I spent about $600 on supplies and put in about 100 hours worth of work, and saved us $2000...on this list.

I have become a very financially frugal person, someone who will go to great lengths to save where I can and still have nice things, and isn't afraid to say, "I am not keeping up with anyone or anything. I am building a life that is more meaningful and less focused on consumerism." There are plenty of "things" I would like to have, but I have everything I NEED. When I was first learning the difference, it was hard for me to determine wants from needs. I think most of us have grown up with so much "stuff" that we have blurred the lines of wants and needs. We can want a bigger house or newer vehicle, but we don't NEED them. We only need shelter, food, water, and a miniscule amount of clothing to survive. We could have a one room shelter that offered a place to cook, a place to store food,(for me)a bathroom, and a place to rest our heads and we could survive! We don't need 4000 square foot of living space with a bathroom for each bedroom, 3 levels and garages for each car. This is not a necessity, it's a luxury. It's "keeping up with the Jones's," and it's become a pathetic means of existence. It's a status statement, to me, to have all that extra stuff and not need it. Yet, a majority of those with so much, are either in debt beyond their eyeballs, or have more money than brains. I am quite happy and have everything I need in our 1989 manufactured home, that we are remodeling as we can. I have a beautiful home, but you know, it's just a house without the love, that consumes it.

In my little family, we are going back to simplicity, or back to basics if you will. We do not believe in keeping up with anyone, we aren't going to be driving the newest vehicles in our community, we won't have the biggest most expensive house in our area, my kids will not be wearing brand new - name brand clothes; they will be wearing whatever is made with quality to last, they will understand the value of things instead of the price. They are learning the importance of family, quality time, and the loyalty to those that are honest, and loyal to them. They are learning to value what means the most in life, instead of just what costs the most. My kids understand that love, respect and trust are earned; not bought. Some of the hardest life lessons to teach, has been explaining peoples need to keep up with others, consumerism, and hypocrisy. My children have seen so much of all of this...whether on the noise box(television) and even to some degree in our families. It's difficult to explain to them why those who have so much, seem so unhappy with their life. Yet, they see some that have less than we do and seem so happy. My children are never without what they NEED, they may not have all they want, but their needs will always be met!

My kids are such amazing young people. I know all parents feel this way about their kids, and I am no different. We have days when our personalities clash, but I know they are still learning about themselves, just as I am. Since we are an unconventional family, it's sometimes hard for others to understand us. That's ok though. Every family is unique and unless you are experiencing physical abuse...embrace your uniqueness! In our family, I have the privileged of educating my children everyday. Some days this is a gift, and others...not so much! :-) For the most part, we learn together, on everything. We do what we are required, we explore new ideas, we contemplate and discuss old ways/traditions that seem more logical, we discuss upsets and celebrate achievements. We talk about disagreements, and have heated discussions, we show respect, love and encouragement too. Having 2 children, with 2 completely different learning styles, has opened my eyes to a great deal of differences. With 1 child a hands-on learner and the other drawn to books, it's a unique experience to teach them. Each of them loves to learn...in their own way. While one is a struggle to get sat down and go through the book learning, the other is a struggle to pull away from a book. Now, I am beginning another new adventure. My oldest is beginning high school and my youngest first grade. The high school teaching is expanding on what has already been taught/learned, and the first grade and just beginning to learn. I can't help but wonder some days, how the Mennonite community teaches their children and they are finished with their education by 8th grade. There is so much more I want to teach my children, so much more I want them to understand and so much more I want to share with them...I can't imagine how I am going to fit it in, in just 4 more years with the oldest.

I have spent more than 2 years in a big ole black hole. A place that has been dark, scary, and very humbling. What sent me so far into that direction, I will probably never know for sure. However, I can tell you, my own learning and enlightenment has been amazing. Even on the worst of days, through all my journaling and research, I have learned so much. I have recognized areas of my own life that were in serious need of attention, I have found out who my true friends are and who has used and abused my loyalty, and my mind has become more open than ever. I have become very forgiving and accepting of my own flaws, and have learned to look past the flaws of those I value. I am becoming more accepting of who I really am...underneath the vise of wife, and mom. I am learning to accept that no matter how hard I try, I will never be "good enough," for some people. That's their issue, not mine! I have learned that I can be a great friend, a loyal friend, and respect other values, without it changing me or what I believe. I have learned the hard way, that those attributes are usually not returned. I have become more accepting of who I am, in all layers of crap that I was told to be, expected to be and told to believe. I am uniquely me, and no one on this Earth is just like me. I have days when I don't like anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, and just want to be alone. It doesn't mean I am angry or upset, it just means I need time alone...time to recharge. I have days when I'm angry. Angry at life, people, or circumstances...I will get through it and move on...I just have to allow those issues to work through me. I have days when I just want downtime. I will take them, even if it's several at once. I am a hopeless romantic, with an uncurable heart for caring, love, and giving.

I love love. While I don't believe in fairy tales, and happily ever afters; romance doesn't usually include that kind of crap anyway. To me; love is not only a feeling but also an action. Showing you love someone, can be done in so many different ways. I'm not just talking about romantic love either. The love we have for our extended families, close friends, and partners in life; all take action AND feeling. It's not something that happens on its own, and it will not last without constant effort. Romance to me is the initial feeling, followed by constant effort at the action side as well. We all know/remember the first dates with our partners. Everyone puts their best foot forward. It's the initial attraction, the initial conversations, the beginning attraction. You have what many refer to as the "honeymoon stage." It's dating, being wined & dined, the flowers, cards, etc. Once that stage wears off, that's when the real work begins. That's when it becomes easy to take advantage of a relationship/partnership. That's when it's easier to say you are in a relationship,and not do anything to strengthen it, but the style of relationship is different for 2 people. One may be content and the other not so much. As you move through a relationship, you progress through it's different phases and some find themselves married. Marriage is work! Marriage takes a serious effort to make it last. Anytime you take 2 separate people, and throw them into one home, it's going to be an issue! I don't care who you are, or what kind of crap some will have you believe...at some point in your marriage there are going to be problems. The extent of these problems is going to depend on the strength of the relationship, and the willingness of the people involved to work through them. There are going to be issues that pop up and sometimes even issues that have not been resolved from previous issues. I am a firm believer that communication is a necessity in any relationship; marriage or otherwise! However, sometimes, communication is the issue. With different people, comes different communication styles. Myself, I am a writer. I tend to write my exact thoughts without filter. However, when speaking...I really have to concentrate on saying things the way I need to say them, so they will be understood by someone else. However, when I write my thoughts, they come out much clearer. Temperaments are another area that can cause issue. Different people = different temperaments and personalities. For me, I was always able to adapt to whatever was going on around me...at least for many years. Now, I don't adapt so well. I'm pretty set in my ways and hard-headed. For years, moving to a new home or school was an adventure. It was exciting and fresh. Now, the idea of changing my life in any way is intimidating. For years, having the same set of friends of was comforting but not a big deal. Now, I have a handful of close friends that I wouldn't trade for the world! For years, the idea of dating and getting to know new people was a thrill...something new. Now, if I had to go back to dating, I think I'd just stay single! Although I love the idea of new adventures now, and some I would take if circumstances allowed; I can't say that I would right now. I love the thought of taking off to new places and exploring, but I love my home and the life I live. I don't want to pack up and move a dozen times anymore. I want roots, with a little gypsy thrown in on occasion. It all boils down to changes. I think as we find our true selves, as we grow older, we start finding more meaning to everything from relationships, to romance, and even to our personalities. My once very bad temper, has calmed to only when I can't take anymore. What I once thought was romantic - the wining & dining, has even changed to more meaningful sentiments. Even though I may be stubborn, what I once thought I knew, I really didn't. I have learned so much more, after I thought I knew so much! When I once communicated only verbally, it never made a complete thought real until I began writing.

I really think that people change multiple times during their lives. Sometimes I think the changes are very miniscule, while other times the changes are pretty drastic! I know in my own life, I have changed many times over the course of 40 years. Some of those changes have been for the better, some not. While I am overall proud of the person I am, and could have used multiple issues growing up as a crutch or excuse, I didn't. I used them to learn for the most part. Some have been the cause of my coldness, and aloofness, and others have caused me to want to be the best for my own children and make sure they never have to experience any of that. Some of the experiences I have had, caused me to build mile high and thick, walls around my heart. Other experiences opened my heart to possibilities, caring for others and wanting to help anyone I could. As a child, I can remember always being a little more free-spirited than most of those I was around. I can remember loving to laugh, making others laugh, and just being a kid. As I got older, life handed me a huge lesson on divorce and how jaded people could be when they didn't want to believe things that were right in front of their eyes. I pulled into a shell and didn't allow anyone to get too close. By the time I graduated high school, I had a huge chip on my shoulder. I looked for attention in whatever way I could find it, thought I fell in love with my life partner, and got married. Then yet another lesson on life when I wasn't able to handle all that marriage entailed, dealing with extended families and I divorced. The following 5 years, brought a lot of lessons and some more changes. By the time I was 21, I thought I had a few things figured out when yet another person entered my life. By that point in my life, I kinda knew what I wanted and really didn't want to settle for less. Even though we are still great friends, it wasn't meant to be at that time. Then I got a wild hair. I packed what I could fit into a little Dodge Omni, uprooted my entire life, and moved to Missouri. I decided to finish college, and find myself away from everyone I knew, so I could have a fresh start. I spent 2 years finding myself, finished college, worked a job I loved, and met some amazing people too. One of those were my husband. While I really was in no way looking for a permanent relationship, let alone marriage; he intrigued me. To this day I can't tell you why, but none-the-less; we met for coffee after my shift and talked until almost 5 am, the day I was supposed to be moving back to Illinois. I called my mom and told her I was going to stay a little longer to see where this went. Fast forward a little more than 16 years, through many changes and issues, and here I am still in Missouri and still married. That's not to say there haven't been plenty of issues and disagreements. We didn't grow up together, we didn't grow up the same way or even in the same geological location. I wasn't looking for a permanent relationship, and honestly, I hadn't even wanted a serious relationship. Commitment was something I was shying away from at that point. I didn't want someone that could tell me what to do, say, think or what people I could be around. Which, at that point in my life, was exactly how I viewed relationships. At that point in my life, my view on relationships was very tainted and not real pretty. My theory at the time was, I would have 10 kids if I never had to be married. Horrible, I know...but it was what is was. I had had some good relationships, but I was in no way ready to settle down into a relationship beyond dating. The idea of marriage scared the hell out of me. The first time my husband told me he loved me, had me ready to run, far and fast. We had a good connection, we could talk and share our life stories, but I was fighting a battle within myself to be more. After my parents divorced, I was always trying to prove myself...to them, to be the person I was expected to be so my siblings would have a good role model, to prove myself to my step-parents, then transitioning from that role and expected to be a kid again in high school; when I was so conflicted and angry. After hearing many stories of how others behaved in high school, I was VERY mild and almost to the point of being a goody-two-shoes. Yes, I did things that were wrong, but nothing so horrible that I should have ever been labeled as a problem. I hid a couple of relationships, though not well and not really caring to hide, I didn't do the party thing until I was a senior and even then it was always the same place and if I drank...I called home for a ride. I danced, was in band, musicals, plays, and softball. I graduated, on the honor roll. No where in anything I did ever arise any kind of drugs or having the law involved. Even though the course of my education did not get to go the way I wanted, I still went to college and got a degree. No, my plans to be either in architecture or marine biology did not get to happen, I am still smart and still love both! Through the years I have made many changes in myself and my thinking. At 18, I couldn't wait to get away from my family. I couldn't wait to have a life of my own, even if it meant working 2 jobs to support myself. However, I was brought up the thinking that you had to get married right away from one side of my family, and you had to be self-sufficient and independent from the other side. Talk about conflicting messages! I grew up fast, had to after my parents divorced. They divorced and each of them was too absorbed in themselves to worry about how their actions would effect the kids they brought into this world. They each found someone else to have in their lives and that brought a whole new set issues with 4 different people trying to tell us how to behave, act and think. While I know they all handled the situation to the best of their ability at the time, it did not help any of us. I think, being older now, that each of my parents and step parents were more angry with each other and we were just caught in the cross fire. I do not blame my parents or step parents though. The way they were, was a lesson to me. While I disagreed with a lot, there were some things I did agree with. I do live my life today, much differently because of the lessons learned growing up. I think as parents, we all do the best we can, so don't get me wrong when I talk about my childhood. I was always very close to my Dad. He was my hero and for years I we talked about everything. When my parents divorce, I didn't have that closeness as much and as much as that hurts, I have accepted it. I love my parents and step parents, and that is something that does not ever go away despite any disagreements. As I have gotten older, I have learned to respect them and accept them as they are. I don't have any ill feelings towards my parents or step-parents. Just as I have had to learn to accept myself, I have accepted who they are as people and not just parents. No child comes with an instruction manual, and parents have to handle their children the best way they know how.

As I have gotten older, and really taken a look at what I want, the life I expect and the needs I have; I have learned that absolutely nothing is just black or white. There is a lot of grey area that is left to interpretations. Just as parenting has a lot of grey areas, so do relationships, careers, and every other area of life. While many still have the one side only view, love is love. I really don't care who it's with; whether it's a romantic love or a friendship love. Love is one of the very grey areas. In all the grey areas of life, relationships seem to always come front and center. Since relationships can have any number of meanings, this seems to be a hot topic, all the time! Friendships, those you work with, those you love, your life partner...these are all relationships. Some may be easy to pin point where they fall categorically, others may not. In my own life, I have some of the greatest friends, I have worked with several great people, people I truly love and a life partner. Sometimes, people cross your path to teach you a lesson, or help guide in a pursuit you are on. Other people cross your path to show you how to love, care or what you don't want. I've always heard it said that "people come into your life for a season or reason." I fully believe this. I have crossed paths with so many amazing people. While some of them were only in my life for a short time, others have been in my life for many years. The grey area in relationships seems to come through what is considered acceptable and what is not. Most people will tell you that when you are in a committed relationship, you do not have an affair and many times anymore, there is a ton of jealousy in relationships. The jealousy is something that I can not relate to. I don't understand it and honestly...I have better things to do and have more respect for myself than dealing with it. I can't imagine jealousy ever serving a purpose. If I have to lower my confidence level to worry over my husband talking to another woman or even talking to an ex-girlfriend...then I am too insecure. If I have to not talk to an old friend for fear that my husband will be jealous...that just would tell me that our relationship is not in a good place. I can tell you, the day someone tells me who I can and can not talk to, will be the day that someone will not be in my life. Period! I have spoken to many of my guy friends throughout the years, and have also spoken to most of my ex-boyfriends and even my ex-husband too. I don't hide it, my husband knows every time I do. What's the point in hiding that? To me, if I had to hide what I was doing, then I am doing something wrong. Just as I would never ask him not to talk to someone he knew, he would not ask that of me either. (Not that it would do much good, anyway!) That's kind of where the hard-headedness comes to play. If you are in a committed relationship, there should be trust, and respect. If you do not feel you can trust your relationship partner...you probably shouldn't be together.

I have conformed a whole to fit in this lifestyle I live, however, there are some things I will never conform to. I will not ever give up friendships, for anyone. I love my husband, just as he loves me; but always having to feel jealous is a waste of time and energy! Yet, this is another grey area. I have heard some people say that their significant other doesn't need to talk to ex's or friends of the opposite sex because that is considered a form of having an affair. I would call a very loud BULLSHIT on that one. I know, this is another area that I look at things differently, but I can not understand it let alone want to! For me, a majority of my friends have always been guys. Some of them I have been closer with than others, and the ones I was close to...I loved, but just as close friends. Some I still care for as a friend, and even though I am married, they still old a spot in my heart. Friends to me, male or female, have my loyalty until prove they don't deserve it. While this has happened recently, it has not happened much in the overall scheme of my life. Now, that's not to say that some of my male friends, don't have jealous significant others. While I won't pretend I completely understand jealousy, from what has been explained to me, I can kinda see it. While I don't hide anything from my husband, I am a rarity, I have been told. The way I see it is that people get jealous for one of two reasons: they are insecure, or they or their partner have had an affair. I have had a few male friends tell me that they don't tell their partners they talk to me. While I typically give them hell about that, I guess it is what it is. I don't agree with it and typically they hear about it! I do tell my husband, even if he doesn't care, every time I talk to any of my friends...male or female. Dealing with insecurities is an issue that the person with them has to deal with. It is not their partners fault if there hasn't been an affair. If you are so insecure in a relationship that you must sink the level of jealousy, there is either a problem with your relationship or you need to raise your self-esteem. If you or your partner feels an affair is necessary; therein lies a major problem. However, it is not necessarily the beginning of end. You can work through it, but the trust is not only broken, it may never be the same. However, too many times an affair is just a game to some. Rather than talking to a partner and being honest about needing more attention; it's easier to run into a fling where you are getting undivided "honeymoon stage" attention. I won't judge what other people feel is the best way to handle their lives, but when it comes to jealousy...this seems like a pointless emotion.

With all the grey areas in life, sometimes that grey area is exactly where you need to be. Each of us has to make a decision that is best for us, at the time. No matter what anyone believes or says, everyone has made questionable decisions in their lives. You either fall in a bed of roses, or a bed of thorns. When we feel we are not being related to in the way we feel we should be, we seek out what we need. It's just what we do. If we find we are no longer content with our careers - we seek new ones, if we are no longer content in a relationship - we seek ones. It all boils down to the same thing, no matter what we are seeking contentment from. If we are not receiving what we need, we seek out what we need, by any means we can. I'm not saying you can have your cake and eat it too...that goes against my beliefs, but sometimes things aren't right and you have to find something that will make it right. It does not matter if that is a relationship, career, home, location, etc. Sometimes, all it takes is talking to someone to help pinpoint exactly what you are looking for, or taking some time to yourself and letting your emotions flow to give you a clear insight of what you want and need. Sometimes, though, it takes a little digging. People that jump from one relationship into another, don't give themselves the time to figure out their needs and wants. They are too dependent on always having someone in their lives, and then wonder why they aren't ever fully satisfied. It's really sad to me that people lose themselves in someone else so much that they neglect themselves. I am guilty of this, so understand there is absolutely no judgement from me!

I really think life would sometimes be easier if, like kids, they came with instruction manuals. However, there is so much joy, happiness and contentment to be found in some of life's unexpected events, if you just look for it. Just as some people can get in their vehicle with absolutely no destination in mind, and their entire journey is spent in the little stops along the path they are on, is the destination within itself. Learn to trust yourself, hold yourself in the highest regard, and open your lines of communication in any form that is comfortable to you. Life is one hell of a roller coaster ride, so deal with what you must, but enjoy the ride! It's over a whole lot sooner than any of us will ever be ready for!



Destination Unknown,
Salli