The wheels are turning.

I can't seem to grasp to the changes in human behavior sometimes. It's not something, I guess, I really want to understand. Though we live in a technical era of electronic connections, we have lost the human touch in so much. We don't seem to be able to connect through conversation, in person.

I know how important technology and electronics have become. I love knowing I can share a phone call, text message, or share something on social media that will be communicated to the multitude of family and friends all over the world. However, I begin to get frustrated when you have a gathering and either neglect to show up because they are "too busy," or they show up and spend 90% of their time on some sort of electronic. People can't seem to have intelligent conversations because they are sending a text message in some coded language that I have to lower my intelligence just to figure out. Proper grammar, and spelling have flown clear out the window, and being respectful of others has taken a back seat to cell phones and computers.

Don't get me wrong. I love my iPhone, and my computer. I love being able to connect with people where ever I may be, but there comes a point when it becomes a severe disrespect when that becomes a priority over the people and conversations going on around me. When I have a gathering, or am visiting with someone in person, that is NOT the time to be using technology. Yes, there are exceptions, mainly emergencies. However, ridiculous text messages that are not emergencies can wait, job messages and phone calls can wait. If I am taking time away from what I need to be doing, to spend time with you, I expect the same degree of respect. If you can't or won't give me that respect, that tells me exactly where I stand in your life....and it's pretty low on the ladder.

In my own household, technology has taken over and pisses me off on a daily basis! While I love to write, visit with friends online, research and dream online; I can handle powering down just fine too! My kids have become obsessed with technology. Online games, online videos, video games, our satellite TV, and the tablets. Even their school work and mine is mostly online now. Getting them away from technology ends up being a battle of wills, and takes an act of congress to accomplish. With the high tech cell phones now, even meal time at our house is disrupted and causes me a lot of stress. Everyone comes to the table, cell phones in hand, and then they eat while texting or scrolling through social media. Meal time in my house used to consist of family time, and conversation. My youngest won't eat unless watching cartoons or watching videos. If I take away the computer from her, it seems hypocritical since I allow the cell phones to stay. I do not believe in theory of "do as I say, not as I do." I try to teach my kids by example. That does not seem to be going real well right now.

It seems that as I get older, I am disheartened by the lack of respect everywhere. The saddest part is that it's not just children; it's the adults too. Between the lack of respect, the lies, and the lack of compassion; it's really no wonder we have become so hardened of a society.

I think back to when my oldest was younger, and can't wonder when everything changed. Raising my oldest, I didn't allow much television time, I didn't allow video games, and I spent ever possible minute "socializing" with him. I didn't believe in baby talk, so we would have real conversations with grammar that slang did not come into play. We didn't have a gaming system in our home until he was 8 years old. I started out that way with my youngest and somewhere along the way it has become extremely technology driven. At 6 years old, my youngest has 2 tablets, can work an iPhone and iPad, knows the computer better than I do, and plays video games. It's not only become ridiculous, but out of control. The oldest is the same way. I get so frustrated when I ask for a simple hour of family time, with no technology and receive a barrage of excuses why it can't happen. It's not just the disrespect to me that is upsetting. It's the complete disrespect to what I consider the most important thing in the world; FAMILY TIME!

We are planning a Promotion Party(Graduation for public schools), for both kids. One from 8th grade and one from Kindergarten. As much as I am looking forward to spending time with family and friends; I know how it will end up. You will have a handful of people actually visiting, and the rest will either be on their phone, on a computer/tablet, or will spend the entire time with text messages or scrolling through Facebook. It will defeat the purpose of gathering to visit and celebrate the kids achievements.

We have had bonfires, for years, at house every chance we get. It used to be a funny thing, we wouldn't have anything formal, we would just light the fire and sit around it. After a short while, we would have people that would just show up. They'd sit around the fire with us, visit and we'd have a good time. We never really invited anyone, actually, if they saw a fire...they'd just show up. Now, we have heard the excuses of being too busy, not wanting to drive that far, and a million others. Honestly, I love to visit but I refuse to beg people to make time for me or my family.

You all know of my love/hate relationship with technology. I just get frustrated with the complete lack of people skills, people have anymore. The idea of friends getting together, seems to be a thing of the past. It's sad to me, knowing that my kids don't have the close bond of friendships that we had, because technology is now the only way people keep in touch. Relationships are started and ended through technology, which is pathetic at best! There is no emotion, no personal touch to technology.

I really didn't mean to take off so much on this subject but it is obviously something my mind and heart wanted to write about. I really intended to write a somewhat uplifting blog today, since my spirit is beginning to soar again, and don't get me wrong, even the topics I am covering are not snuffing out my spirit anymore. I am lifting myself up, even if the rest of the world is stuck in technology and being busy, I am slowly finding my center balance again.

With finding that balance, I am finding that so much of my stress is due to my own lack of ability to voice what I want or need. I have pushed those things to a back burner for so many reasons; someone else needing or wanting something, it's easier than dealing with disagreements, or something as simple as fearing what someone else will think or some negative comment that will make me feel like less of a person. So much of what I believe is because of research or some innate feeling. I have been "tuned in" to my own body most of my life, even if repressed from some years. I have spent years listening to my gut feelings or that inner voice, if you will. Somewhere along the way, I quit listening to most of it. I started doubting my abilities, my knowledge, and even my own feelings. I started making excuses for myself, and to others as to why I didn't do things, or why I didn't know something. All that did for me, was to cause a huge backlash when those feelings, emotions, needs and wants grew, far too big to be contained.

So instead of listening, accepting and growing; I repressed them and become very bitter, cold, and resentful. Instead of taking time to understand what I felt, or to listen to that nagging gut feeling or that little voice begging to be heard; I ignored it all. I allowed my feelings, emotions and wants/needs to be determined by everyone else. I didn't deal with issues that upset me, I didn't listen to the emotions when a friendship turned out to be nothing more than an alibi, I didn't listen when a gut feeling was telling me something was very wrong - in turn, some important people in my life have now parted ways, I didn't listen when my heart was yearning to attend one of my best friends funeral, or when it screamed to make a trip to see his family after they lost so much to a tornado. Now, my heart is screaming to make a trip to my hometown, because my other best friends brother and his family have lost everything to a home fire. I know there isn't much I can do to help them, but just being able to visit a few days give him and my best friend a huge; give their parents - another set of adopted parents to me, a big hug and reassure them that everything will work out and that I am still there for all of them. It's just part of the constant tug in me, between my family & hometown, my best friends, and my home now. Spending my most formative years with some truly amazing people, have embedded them forever in my heart. Knowing that both sets of my parents, are facing life changing issues and I can't be there for them kills me! I may not be able to do much, but just being there and showing them each my love and devotion to them might do some good.

I am growing and accepting life as it's handed to me, but sometimes it's an overwhelming sense of duty that I feel that I am neglecting. I have a loyalty to those who mean the most to me. My extended family, my friends and of course, my own family...when I feel I am letting any of them down, it breaks my heart a little more. With all the stress I have felt for so long, I have not been the wife or mom, I should be. I know this and I am trying my best to be better. My oldest child is at the stage of being a lot more independent, while my youngest is still in that all demanding stage. That stage that children believe they are the most important, and very self-centered. My youngest is pushing every single hot button I have on a daily basis. I have had no patience or understanding with her free-spirit personality. Instead of helping her to grasp that spirit and use it purposely, I get frustrated and overwhelmed. My oldest has an old soul personality that I can relate to but have neglected to help him harness that inquisitive sense to it's full potential. I have had to spend too much time the last few years trying to grasp my own stress, to truly be a guiding light to these amazing young people. Although my husband and I have a great friendship and a good relationship, I have always kept walls around me that have kept everyone at arms length for so many years now, that I'm not sure how to tear down those walls. Honestly, I think if my true spirit every truly comes out, without those walls, it would too much for anyone to handle. I have held so much back from everyone, and became this quiet mousy type of person, that doesn't like to ruffle feathers, that I'm not sure I would know how to handle it either!

It's amazing to me how introspect comes from soul searching. Each new observation and realization seems to lessen the weight on my shoulders. Each new feeling/emotion I allow myself to feel or experience, is easing the stress I have felt and is opening my spirit up a little more all the time. Instead of constantly biting my tongue and pushing feelings aside, afraid of showing them or feeling them, is clearing my mind.

As I got on social media yesterday, and saw photos and status messages, I had to smile. Yesterday was Mother's Day for the United States. I'm not usually a "Hallmark Holiday," type of person but this year, I am finding that I want to celebrate everything. I want each holiday to have it's own mark. In our household, we celebrate the major holidays for the most part. We don't usually do much in the way of Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Mother's Day, Father Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, or Halloween. Yesterday, I saw pictures of flowers other Mom's had gotten, the husbands and kids fixing their wives/moms breakfast in bed, spending the day with their parents, etc. It made me hope that Mom's, even if for one day a year, are celebrated for all they do and are. There is no such thing as a perfect Mom, but those of us who care for our children and do what we feel is best for them, are good moms. We all know kids don't come with instruction manuals, and unfortunately what works for one child may not work for another, but we love our kids with all our hearts, none-the-less!

Today, I am writing with a clear head and an open heart. The nice thing about writing, for me, is that I write what comes to mind, without too much editing. I don't usually go through and re-read what I have written until after it's published. I try to keep my blogs real and from my heart. I try to keep actual names out to keep a privacy for those involved. When I write, it's my clearest and most honest means of communication. Words are my easiest way to explain, sometimes, what I am thinking and trying to say. Sometimes, it's easier for me to write, and it also helps me piece together my thoughts. I guess journaling all these years has allowed me to put words to paper and be honest with myself and others too. Sometimes, writing in my journal has given me more insight than I really want to accept. Other times, it opens my eyes to recurring issues. Then there are times when I start writing, and will write for hours, only to go back and read what I've written and completely been blown away with what I've wrote. My journals are my authentic self, my authentic feelings and emotions, and the most honesty I have within me. Obviously, I will not share those online, but I am glad to have multiple outlets that have helped me to regain perspective and accept myself again.

I am going to end this blog today with a knowledge that I am slowly finding my way again, and am lightening the load of stress on my shoulders. Knowing that writing has become a large part of release and also a love of mine. I have been given a couple of opportunities to write, free lance, and I am considering it. If I do decide to write for either of the sites, you will be given an opportunity for even more insight into me as a person and the life style I live. Feel free to always leave comments, or tell me something you would like for me write about. We may have differing opinions, but I will respect your opinion as long as you respect mine. So, please keep negative comments respectful.

No longer spinning my wheels,
Salli