A uniquely Me coffee chat!

This is a unique blog post. A combination of coffee chat and some of my musings this morning. Grab some coffee and enjoy this blog!



Many of my family and friends know or were affected by the severe weather on June 22nd. My hometown was hit with a high end EF3 tornado. This came just 19 months after another tornado destroyed parts of the town in November 2013. So many family and friends were affected by both tornadoes and it's heart breaking to see the photos and all the destruction. Fortunately no lives were lost in these weather events, but so much property was. I know property can be replaced/rebuilt, but it's still devastating to see and I can't imagine how they all feel. Seeing your entire life changed and uprooted in mere moments has to be especially hard to swallow. My heart and thoughts go out to my hometown and all the members of that extraordinary community! For those who wish to help, here is the information from the village itself:

"One organization we trust to get money to people in need is the Community Foundation of Grundy County. You can donate online with this link: https://goo.gl/CNJXcx"



As with life, it continues to move forward. Even with all the mess, destruction and chaos going on in my hometown, my life here still keeps moving. With life here always so busy, now is the time of year that seems to be completely chaotic and always a little more stressful. This year, has been even more so. Our weather here has been a huge thorn under my saddle. It has been rainy for the better part of 2 months now, and it's been large amounts of rain. I'm talking no less than an inch at a time and as much as 3. It's currently raining and storming as I type this. Normal years, we bale hay around Memorial Day weekend. Then we can usually get sold what we don't need by the end of June. This year, we can't even get into the hay fields since everything is so wet. We have water standing everywhere. So, the finances we typically have for farm expenses are nonexistent right now. Not to mention the hogs we normally sell off to replace with younger hogs, where the markets have tanked considerably. So far, we are scraping by, but that won't be the case before too long if this keeps up. The weather tends to play such a big part of life on a small farm, especially. We don't have the luxury of alternate income opportunities that the large farms have. So, it causes some major hits to the pocket book when Mother Nature has a severe case of PMS!

Even with the horrible financial end of things from all the rain, a few things are happening. I say a few, and kind of laugh, because there's always a million things all going on at the same time here. The biggest event for me, has been a shift in my attitude and how I am dealing with emotions. This has been a weird progression for me. The past 2 months have been getting a little easier for me to understand some of the emotional crap I deal with. Even though some of them have caused me tears, I'm gradually accepting some of things that I can't change. With that knowledge and acceptance, has come a little more peace of mind all the time. Each issue I deal with, and each one I accept, is one less issue to stress over or dwell on. I am a solver, an analyzer, so to speak. I want to solve the problem, find an answer and fix it. What I have had to accept is that not everything can be fixed. Some things are beyond my control, which is unnerving to me, but is true. For years, I have needed my life to fit into a neat, tidy little box with no holes to allow what I can't control in. What I have figured out, is that that tiny little box is not possible. There are too many variables, too many contingency plays in motion, and too many alternatives possible to continue in my boxed in little world. For someone who is a major control freak, and needs some sort of structure; this throws a major hitch in my life. Between emotions running amok, too many plan "B's" to count, Mother Nature needing some serious PMS medicine, extended family issues, friendships that have been left behind, and my desire to reclaim my free spirited attitude; this has been a very trying time. Each year that has passed, as I have gotten older, has brought with it new revelations. Some of them, I'm not certain I believe but they are always in the back of my mind anyway. Some have been shocking, but not really all that unexpected. Some have been so difficult to swallow, that they have taken my breath away. Don't get me wrong, there is so much of my life that I am truly blessed with. So many people and things that I have to be grateful for, and am! I count my blessings everyday for those! The areas that I write about are the ones that give me stress. However, while I am writing about some of them, I am coming to some amazing conclusions, some eye opening realizations, and some of the most powerful relief I have felt in years! Sometimes, life just feels like it sucks. We all have bad days, when no matter what you touch turns to dust. It happens...we don't have much control over it. Yes, this is coming from her royal control freak highness! This does not mean that our lives are bad, or the people in our lives are bad. It means that we are supposed to be learning, growing, evolving and accepting the lessons trying to be taught to us. After being boxed in for a few years now, some of this is a little scary and a little unnerving too.

I spent so many years as more of a free spirit. I didn't put down roots for a purpose. Feeling as though I was tied to one place, was too limiting for me. I wanted to see it all and do it all. I didn't need much in the way of material stuff. Still don't! However, so much of myself has been changed over the past 17 years. 17 years ago, most of what I owned fit in the Dodge Omni I had at the time. I had no problem packing up and moving 6 hours from my family and friends, to start over. It was a new adventure, even if it was a bit trying sometimes. In just a couple of days, it will be 16 years since I got married. Marriage to me was a no-no! I knew I didn't want to plant roots anywhere. However, the right person at the right time, and here I am. I'm still not much of an advocate for marriage. I married a man who was a roots type of person. He grew up in the areas we lived in, born and raised right here in Northeast Missouri. There is nothing wrong with that, but proved to be challenging in the early years of our marriage. Then came our kids. Now, you have marriage and kids, and that immediately constitutes finding roots...at least in this area. Even for me, as the kids got older, I started thinking about how wonderful it would be for them to have a home they could grow in, and come back to once they were independent adults. I bought into the American Dream. After moving around while they were little, nearly 4 years ago we bought our first house. While the circumstances were less than ideal, we had a place to finish raising our kids. We could teach them everything their Dad had grown up knowing and doing. What this town kid, from another state and completely different upbringing, didn't understand was how different our lives had been. I knew they were different, but the extreme to which, was blindsiding. I'm still learning, and there are days I want to run back to a city but they are few and far between. Learning to live on even a small farm can be overwhelming for someone that did not grow up that way! For me, it can get overwhelming, stressful and to some degree even resentful. While the initial excitement has long since worn off, the lessons are free-flowing every day. As a once avid hiker, I have so much room, I could hike for a long time, but there isn't time for that anymore. There are plenty of adventures that could be taken, but again, time doesn't allow. You all have read about my uncanny list making. Without them, I would never accomplish anything! However, one list that I always keep in my journal is my pro/con list for everything I do. I have made these types of lists since I was a kid. Anything that weighs on my mind, gets a pro/con list. Sometimes, it's out-of-hand! I know. However, it's what helps me keep a clear prospective on everything. It's those pro/con lists that made the decision clearer to move to Missouri, to get married, to stay married when it would have been so easy to walk away, and even to purchase our home and on every subject before and after. Weighing the good and bad of every issue, for me, has helped me gain some major insight during the past few years. It's helped me to accept what I didn't understand, it's helped me to remove emotions and look at the grander pictures. Yes, there are plenty of pro/con lists, and I'm certain there will be many more in the years to come, but they help me. Just a writing in my journals and blog help, my lists do too. You would be amazed at the number of journals I have filled through the years.

As I mentioned earlier, we are just 2 days away from celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary. Some days it's hard to believe it's been 16 years already, and others it feels like a hundred years! :-) I know most married couples feel the same way! We have had more than our share of issues. We have had some extraordinary times, and some of the worst times I can remember. After this year starting out on such an obnoxious run of divorces, with people we know or are related to, we kind of laughed that we really did need to "celebrate" because we are still married. There have been a lot of years that we have forgotten our anniversary. However, our 10th Anniversary, we spent 4 days, just the 2 of us, at Chicagoland Speedway and we had fun. Despite the bad weather that came through while we were there. Now this year, we have plans again, just an over night trip this time. I will tell you more about that in a bit. Each year, it seems we manage to escape some trivial issue or another and each year, it feels like we a managed to barely squeak through. Many times, it's issues that are beyond our control, or issues neither of us know how to fix. The first 7-8 years were bad. I'm talking REALLY bad years. Since then, each year has gotten a little better. Over the past 9 years, we have managed to build a relationship that is better than what we started with. We have become each others sounding boards, friend, and partner in life. There isn't too much we don't talk about or share. We have similar hopes and dreams for our lives, and actually enjoy each others company. Even though we have different communication styles, we have managed to find a middle ground to conversations. I know in every relationship, it takes two to make or break it. I am a handful at best, and completely a royal pain at worst! He had his hands full to start with when we went into this relationship, and that hasn't changed through the years! While we have teased each other that no one else would put up with the other one, to some degree it's true for me. I am as stubborn as a mule, have been as independent as they come. I am not a trusting person and have walls around me so thick that I don't know that anyone will ever get completely through. I am not one to settle for less than what I feel I deserve...though I have many times. More times than not, I am pretty cold and untouchable. While the coldness is lessening over the years, sometimes it still rears it's ugly head. Usually at the most inappropriate times! The past few years, going this some major emotional turmoil, has caused me to be the type of person I usually can't handle...overly emotional! I despise feeling useless, not knowing something I should, feeling inadequate, and helpless. When I start feeling those things, the inner bitch comes out. Fortunately, he has tolerated it and been beside me while I have cried, or been so angry I couldn't see straight. Through the years, I have had a whole lot of adjustments to overcome. Even in the early years, he believed I would be able to do it, and I have. I have learned so much, some of it begrudgingly, but I have learned. I have accepted the lifestyle he grew up with, and for the most part, I love it too. I continue to learn and grow in our marriage and in our lives. Honestly, even the hell we have been through, I am where I want to be. I love the life we have built. Sure, it has plenty of variables that drive me crazy, but constants are what keep me grounded. The day to day life we have, gets monotonous, and sometimes grueling, but the security of having a home for our children to grow up in and our little farm that allows them so many opportunities to grow, learn and experience is worth more than any measurement. As we take our journey through another year, it's remarkable to think about the possibilities. The few issues we still face will come together, and the plans we have for the future will happen without doubt. It's all a matter of working together on every issue, finding what caused the issue and fixing it, and leaving guilt trips/blame/finger pointing out of the equations. Since I know he reads these blogs: " Honey, you have stood beside me through the last few years in all the turmoil I have faced. You have supported my decisions and we have been a united front for obstacles. I know you roll your eyes when I write what I can't find any other way to express but you never fail to read it and even when I am having difficulty expressing my thoughts, you are patient while I try! You have never told me I couldn't do anything and have supported the things I have needed to do, without fail. You have given me a different look at life, even when I have thrown a fit the whole time. You push me when I need to be pushed, and you support me when I am floundering for the right fix. Even when I have a bad day or week, you never fail to just hang on tight until I come through the other side. With everything we have already dealt with this year, you just keep standing firm as my support, venting post and even my crutch when I can't stand on my own. While we are celebrating our anniversary, I am also celebrating all the years we've had together. You and I have created a fine life, even when it's been difficult. We have 2 amazing kids(even when they make us crazy), a stable relationship to teach them how to treat others and what to look for in their future relationships, we have a home and farm that we work so hard to constantly make better, YOU have given us security and guidance in the paths we have chosen. Even when we have our own troubles, the respect we have for each other speaks volumes. Thank you! I love you!"

We are taking an overnight trip this year to celebrate our anniversary. It's exciting for me on several levels. First is because my husband got us VIP tickets to see Jimmy Buffett in concert. This concert is on my bucket list for concerts I have always wanted to see. While the music is a combination of island/country, the music combined with the atmosphere is what makes this concert an amazing experience! With these tickets, we have VIP club access and great seats! So the experience should be beyond my wildest dreams! Second, the drive to and from the concert, and actual time away from our lives will allow some definite couple bonding time. Honestly, some of our most productive conversations happen while we are driving. Time like this, will allow us to have real conversations without little ears trying to weigh in. It's this kind of uninterrupted quality time that I crave! Third, not only will be have several hours of just couple time, and the real conversations, we will have time away from home that is helping my free spirit feel alive again. Living on a small farm, with chores twice a day, 3 meals a day, housework, schoolwork, and more unexpected issues than I could shake a stick at; causes a serious restlessness in my soul. I love our lives but my monthly grocery trips, just don't do much to settle the ache of needing to run free sometimes. For me, needing to run occasionally bites me in the ass. That need to not settle has also risen on occasion to bite me. Could I do more and be me? Of course, we all could. Should we? Probably but it depends on the "more" you are talking about. For me, I have a solid foundation to build upon. I have a generalized understanding of what I need to do and a list of what I want to do. The biggest play though is doing what is best and what you want at the time. I am a firm believer that nothing lasts forever. However, the choices we make today need to be the ones we want to make right now. Yes, we do need to consider the future, somewhat, but we aren't guaranteed a future. We are guaranteed this exact moment in time. I am in my moment. I am making my decisions today, for today, my moment of guarantee. What happens tomorrow, next year or 10 years from now will be dealt with tomorrow, next year or 10 years now. We can only make decisions based on right now; what we feel, want, need or choose for the moment!

More coffee chat. I am genuinely excited and feeling like I have broke free from most of the darkness I have experienced the last few years. Almost a week ago, I made the committment to take on my first ever 5K. No, I have zero plans to actually run it! However, even walking it is exciting! I have done minimal exercise since my daughter was born 6 years ago. I have been a smoker for years and every new stress caused me to smoke more. I have battled with my body and self image for as long as I can remember and the past 3 years have done nothing but hurt my self-esteem. So to make this commitment that seems so minimal to a lot, is a huge deal for me. It is pushing me to exercise again: since it's been rainy and muddy, I have been using my ankle weights for 6 hours a day in all my regular activities. It's pushing me to finally kick the smoking habit. Although I have not been able to completely break free from it, I am smoking less than half what I was. By taking on this 5K, it means I am going to have to invest in a few things I need to not only walk it but to do so with what I need. It's pushing me to see that I still have the will power I was so proud of, but it's just been buried for a while. I actually put on a skirt over the weekend and felt good wearing it. For those who don't know, for years I battled to stay small in size. I didn't ever want to be fat. I was terrified that if I didn't stay at a certain weight, I would be teased, or would lose the petite frame I have. I exercised, ate minimally, and even battled a bout of Bulimia. This was still affecting me when I got pregnant with my oldest child. Even though I really took being able to eat what I wanted to heart during my pregnancy(I gained 83 lbs!) I worked my tail off afterward to be back down to my original weight within 6 weeks. I had it in my head that I could never get over 110 lbs, or I was fat. I didn't like my body, it seemed so preadolescent for so many years. I always heard the phrase, "straight as a board that has never been nailed," when referring to me. So that was taken to heart and stuck with me. By the time I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child, I had quit smoking, was exercising daily again, eating only raw foods, and was feeling great about myself. Then the news of my youngest, threw me for a loop. It was not expected, and wasn't supposed to be able to happen. It sent me into a whirlwind, that I believe I am just now coming out of. I only gained 45 lbs. with her, but after having her...I quit everything. I quit exercising, worrying about my weight, I started smoking again, and really didn't care what I looked like. Anytime you have dealt with an eating disorder, it messes with your entire body. Although it's better now, I still struggle with stomach issues today that were caused from a year of vomiting. Even though the strength of being comfortable in my own body is still a roller coaster, it's better. I have begun exercising again, not only to train for this 5K but to tone up - NOT to lose weight. I don't keep a scale in my house anymore. Weight, to me now, is just a number. I didn't have mirrors up in my home for many years. I still don't have many. My thoughts are, as long as I feel good, it doesn't matter how others see me. I am still working through some of the self-esteem issues but I'm on my way, and not giving up.

The past week has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. So much is looking positive, that even the few negatives don't look quite so bad. I am finding that some of the things I quit doing, were actually things that I truly enjoy doing. One area that was such a horrible reminder of my own shortcomings last year, is already providing reprieve this year...my garden. Even through all the rain since I planted it, I have gotten radishes, onions, a bell pepper, 2 jalapeno peppers, 2 zucchini and a 5 gallon bucket of green beans...so far. The garden looks amazing this year. We have been able to keep the weeds at bay so far, the plants are growing and producing fruits/vegetables, even if not fully ready. I love being in the garden, digging in the dirt, and watching my labor of love come to fruition! You've heard the phrase, "the way to a mans heart is through his stomach," but I have a bit of a different take on that. Even though I occasionally balk at all the time I spend cooking, I believe that that exact act is an act of love for our families. We cook and bake meals, even when we don't really want to, out of love for those we love. Yes, it would be nice not to have to cook 3 meals a day, and do dishes 3 times a day, but the meals I make for my family; I make because I love them. I want to nourish their bodies with the best possible food. I want to provide treats for them that they are excited for, and share with their friends. It's such a reward for me when one of the kids friends, or my husbands co-workers tell them or me, how good something was that I made. It's a huge ego lift!

Now, I want to take a few minutes to talk about an area that has affected me directly on many different fronts. This area is negative people and outlooks. Negative people, when there are too many of them, will pull you down! Been there, done that...more times than I care to count! Negativity seems to be a major part of our society anymore. In my opiniion, some of it is caused from from people settling for quick fixes. I'm sure some of it comes from financial hardships/job loss and feeling there is no way out of current circumstances. What I have dealt with in those areas, it's sometimes hard to look for the silver lining when it feels like the world is crashing at your feet. However, what I am learning is that, when you feel that overwhelmed, you have to remove your emotions and look at from an outside perspective. This really goes with negative people and circumstances. Negative people can't always be removed from your life, but you can limit the amount of exposure you have with them. The same goes for circumstances. Yes, there are times when finances get so tight you are playing beat the bank, and you lose; or you neglected to see the signs for a job that has lost. Then there are things you can't really prepare for, such as the tornado outbreaks. When situations outside your control happen, you have to just accept them, find a plan to fix them and move on. Even some of our best laid plans will make matters worse. It happens. I have been told there are 26 letters in the alphabet, so there's always a new plan waiting in the wings. When negativity seems to over run you, and situations or circumstances have you over a barrel; you need to face them, make a plan, institute it, and move forward! Dwelling on a issue, or simply reacting as issues arise will not solve anything. Take a little time to accept the issue, figure out a way to fix it, put your plan in motion, alter it if it doesn't work out, and keeping going. Yes, issue can be frustrating, they can be overwhelming, and they will make you want to pull your hair out, but they do not have to continue dragging you down. Negative people are a little more touchy. Whether you have friends that are energy suckers or family; sometimes eliminating them from your life is not an option. However, limiting your contact is! If you have people that just drain your energy every time you are around them; those are energy suckers. Those are the people that bitch if their ice cream is cold or their soup is hot! These are the people that can't see their own blessings through their own self-pity. Some don't know they are such a dark presence, some don't know how to be any other way, and some it wouldn't matter if they got everything they wanted or not...they would just be negative. No matter when you encounter them, you will encounter negative people in your journey through life. If you are an emotionally strong enough person, these types of people will just be a blip on your radar. If your emotional strength waivers at all, some of these types of people will infiltrate your persona and drag you down with them. Since eliminating negative people from your life is all but impossible, you must learn to see them for what they, you must accept that any time you spend with them is going to drain your energy, and it's up to you how much of your energy you will spend on them. Limiting your time with negative people isn't mean or doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you a person that respects your own needs. It makes you a person that values your own worth, your own limits and your own needs above anyone or anything else!

I am venturing into a new and exciting time for myself. I am accepting my body image as it is. I am working to tone up my body, but I am not worried about my weight. I am learning to appreciate the body I have - flaws and all! I am counting my blessings each and every day, even though I'm not sure even I can count that high! I know there are issues to deal with and ones that will come but they are not going to determine my worth. They are not going to undermine the value I bring into our home, marriage or life. My own past is unchangeable, but I am learning to accept and grow from it still today. Negativity will only take me as low as I am willing to allow it to take me. Negative people will be on limited time frames in my life. Situations beyond my control will dealt with the best way I know how, and I will fix what I can but what I can't I am not going to stress over. Yes, I will want to fix everything immediately and then move on but if I can't, I will deal with it. I am accepting that there are things I am not capable of, but I will never stop trying to everything I can do! I am stepping out of my comfort zone a little more often and am making more time for myself as well. I am allowing myself permission to say "no," without reason and also to say "yes!" I am allowing myself time to deal with emotions as they come up, but not allowing myself to dwell on them. I know there will be issues that come up that will cause a set back for me, and that's ok. Those are the times that I will remind myself that it's time to fix them, so they don't arise again. I have accepted that I will never be good enough or do what some expect me to do; but that is their problem not mine. I am enough, I will always do what I feel is best even if it makes no sense to anyone else, and I don't need to make anyone proud of me but ME! I am returning to my mantra, "take me as I am, or don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."

Stronger, than I have been in years!
~Salli~

First new goals...

I am writing again, because I have a new goal. One that I'm terrified I won't be able to accomplish but I have to try, and one that will include someone else! As you all know, it's been a rough three years. I am changing focus, and forgiving the past, so I can move on. I have a lot of changes I want and need to make, and I will be doing so, gradually.

The first real, scheduled, fitness goal I have had in many years is now in place. This goal includes having to include some financial goals as well, because it will require travel. In September, each year, the town I was born and spent most of my childhood in, has a festival. It's called the Corn Festival. This year, I am making the committment to not only be there, but also to do the 5K with my sister. I have never done one, in my life! So, I have a lot of physical work to accomplish over the next couple of months. I have to finally let go of smoking, completely. I have got to get in shape! While I feel like I run miles around our home and property; I need to actually start walking again, exercising again in general. It's a great excuse/reason, to get my butt in gear! I have no doubt that it's going to take determination and some pushing, but I can do this!


So there you have it. My first blog to improving my life; through goals, baby steps, and letting go of negativity - both people and situations! It's time to "cowgirl up," as my daughter says, and make shit happen for me, instead of to me!

Salli

Mid-June Coffee Chat

I'm going to have to write this coffee chat in spurts, because of computer issues. Thank you to my loyal readers who have listened to my whining, ranting, and awakening from this dark abyss that has consumed me for almost 3 years now. Writing this blog, has helped me to cut through so much of the crap, and to see so much, so much clearer than ever. This blog has helped me to open my eyes to so much, and even though I am still learning to fix/deal with some of the issues, I am growing and becoming the strong, independent woman I was raised to be, once again!

These past few years have really hit me hard. I'm not the person I have become, and I don't really like this one either! It's amazing to me how many masks we wear to accomplish what we need to accomplish. Whether it be the mask of a new relationship, the mask of the best person for a job, the mask of a parent or spouse, and even reaching the mask of a good extended family member. What really angers me is that while we each wear a mask to fit the moment, sometimes we end up wearing them for far too long and in the end, we lose sight of the original person under that mask. I can tell you, I have worn each and every one of those masks....and for way too long.

I know in several of my blog posts, I have talked about my gypsy soul. Let me tell you, for many years now, the adventurer in me has been lost. The side of me that was able to adapt to any situation is long gone, and numbness that sets in when you can't find your way out...has been set in for more years than I want to count. The emotional pull I have been missing for so long, has virtually given up. The fears have set in and prevented me from doing so much! The pull in so many different directions, from the masks I must wear, have not only pulled me thin but caused me to be numb and utterly annoyed by almost everything. This has played into my lack of patience(which I did not have much of to start with) and my stress levels reaching out of control.

There have several issues that have not helped my stress or my need to regain a solid footing. As you all are aware, life happens and it can get very messy! Just this year, 2015, my Dad & Step Mom seperated, a friend and her husband got divorced, my Mom had a cancer scare, and on a smaller scale: we had a major water leak, our air conditioner isn't working, our finances are taking a hit with all the rain, the few people I trust to share any personal info have their own issues to deal with, and that's just the short version. None of this includes having a computer fried when the dog jump up on my daughter and caused her to dump the glass, the end of our school year for the kids which now means gathering materials for the up coming school year that begins in just a few weeks, being at a complete stop with my school work - again, because no computer and having a deadline of July 27th to finish it without having to pay extra, and a boat load of issue at home that I will not go into.

I am trying to learn how to handle everything and not shut down completely, but it's really difficult some days. I could say that I wish I had my best friend here to share coffee and solve all life's issues, and I REALLY would. I could wish for a few more patience to be able to effectively handle the stress, or more time to myself so I could sort through everything and gain some sort of perspective and all of it would be helpful. So many times I have wished for friends close enough to be my cheering section, so to speak. The kind I went through school with that were always there with encouragement when I needed it, and then I chide myself and say "you're an adult now, you shouldn't need that anymore!" Then we fall back to square one.


I look at so much, so different than every one else, especially in the area I live. I tend to fall on the conservative side, but I don't close my mind to anything. I do have a very strong opinion once I set my mind. I question everything, and then question it some more. I will read and research everything I can find too! I love to learn and grow. It causes me to kind of stand out like a sore thumb, worse than just being an outsider, being so different from the community I live in. I love the artsy side of communities, and the historical communities too, but so much of that is diminishing around me. There aren't much in the way of dance halls, art studios, community plays/musicals, or much of that nature. I believe that the lack of culture is also hindering my ability to grow from the last few years.

I have to say that my ideas of fun, adventure, date nights, and even family time are reverting to what I loved so many years ago. The problem now lies in how to fix that. Having kids has changed my outlook on a few things, but in the same sense, I dread not being able to share with them so much of what I enjoy. Going to concerts, spreading out blankets and taking a picnic; going on hikes to see amazing waterfalls, throwing blankets and pillows in the back of a truck to layout and look at the stars; being able to go out dancing and not have to dance around people that look more like fish out of water; shoot...just dancing in general. Most people that know me, know how much I have always loved to dance! Turning off the noise box(television) and singing along to the radio is one of my favorite things. I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but I love to sing. Music has always been my "happy place." If I have music on, no matter what is going on in my world, I can handle it. Just as dancing has always done, music helps ease the worry, tension and stress for me. When I don't have either, I don't have an outlet. For me, the music I listen to is my way of saying what I can't verbally put words to. As much as I love the music itself, the lyrics are just as important. I like most types of music, so when the lyrics work with the tune and my mood...it's just a win-win. However, I have a younger child that would rather listen to the noise box, even though she loves music, than a radio cranked up!

I know there are so many people suffering in our world. It's heartbreaking to see the poverty, and crime, that has seeped into society. Whether it's all the lost jobs and finances that are slowing turning our world into such chaos, or there are too many feeling entitled, I just don't know. I know it's a whole different world from what it was just 20 years ago. As I graduated high school, I can remember myself and many of my classmates, talking about such a promising future. A future we were so ready to take ahold of, and to run into the middle of and now I look at everything and wonder what happened. I know I didn't fulfill my plans, and to some degree, I do regret that, but I made a change I hoped would be for the better. I really believe that too many have become too negative. Whether we are surrounding ourselves with too many negative people, our lives have taken on a life of its own, or we just have forgotten how to stop and smell the roses...I'm not sure. For myself, I believe there are multiple factors. Too many negative people surrounding me has been a big issue, too many regrets of not fulfilling my own goals and dreams, too many things I want and need to do/go have left me feeling very restless, feeling very secluded from my own extended family has been a nightmare, and somewhere along the way...I have allowed myself to live that crazy life of being too busy just being busy!

I know for me, there are a lot of changes I need to make, and a lot of my own unfinished projects that I need to finish. I will accomplish my goals and dreams, it's just taking far longer than I had hoped. Throw in my serious ignorance with technology and it tends to keep me worked up, with not knowing how to fix anything! Fortunately, I do have my little sister that knows so, until she gets tired of me bugging her, I have a great IT person.

Even though there are days when life seems to overwhelm me, I know I will prevail. It's just relearning how to compartmentalize everything, and learning whether I want to deal with somethings or burn those bridges. It's learning and accepting that I am the way I am for a reason...but not allowing it to be used as an excuse to hold me back. It's all of the ups and downs that life has thrown at me, that have given me insight, wisdom, and compassion to grow. Not just in a physical sense but also in a mental sense. It's become at time of taking those lessons, no matter how treacherous some have been, and allowing everything to help me grow into the person I want to be again. I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

Until next time,
Salli

A minor delay

Fellow readers, this will be a short post since I am having to do it from my phone. My computers are not working and finances won't allow a new one right now.

As my regular readers know, my writing is my way of reducing stress and ironing out any issues I am dealing, even some topics of interest occasionally. I haven't been able to write much without a computer and it's getting the better of me! This is where my love/hate with technology comes in. I can fill up 5 notebooks a week with thoughts and my short blogs are not even a scratch of the surface but usually the most pressing at the time. Since I am a technological idiot, I can not fix my own technology so I have to depend on others. Another area that I do not do well with, depending on others.

As is life, my little sister knows technology and has done so much to help but then Mother Nature took over with all the rain and flooding in her area. So, now she has to keep her house from flooding and we can get back to work on my stuff once she and her household are safe! In the meantime, my notebooks are filling, and my coffee chat will be a little later than normal.

Bear with me, keep everyone dealing with the effects of flooding in your thoughts and I will be getting back to writing soon!

~Sal~

Reactions vs. Response

After a decidedly difficult and disturbing Monday to start my week, I woke this morning to feeling a little lighter. I know everyone goes through emotions, and everyone handles them as they can. Sometimes we do not handle them the best way we can. Instead of responding to emotions, we instantly react.

We live in a world of instant gratifications, and instant emotions. We no longer stop to think before we speak, or express ourselves. Even though so much of our world is about being "politically correct," we tend to react or overreact in an instant. Whether we are happy, upset, hurting, or in desperation. We tend to jump off the cliff of emotions without thought. When someone upsets us or makes us angry, we are quick to jump off the cliff of being angry, hurt, or placing guilt; before truly understanding or listening to the meaning of what the other person has said or physically done. I have been horrible guilty of this. I react rather than respond. I jump to instant anger rather than trying to understand. My blood goes to instant boil mode, and I am pissed...and for a long while, too. I am not one that can just let anything go. I tend to get angry, then sit and stew about it until I feel the situation has been leveled off. When in reality, if I would have taken even just a few minutes to try to understand the situation, I could have responded rather than reacted.

Yesterday for me, was a day of reactions, not responses. I was angry the entire day. When I finally took a few minutes to gather my thoughts, and quick reacting; the situations of the day had already gotten out of control. After a few minutes of thinking, and yes, even a few minutes of slamming stuff around, I felt more in control of my thoughts and was ready to respond. By then there was already so much chaos that could have been prevented, I had to do some damage control. It's never a situation that causes an issue, per se, it's how we react or respond. I have handle many situations poorly by reacting, rather than responding. However, I am trying to become more aware and attuned, so that a response becomes quicker than a reaction. It's not always easy, as anyone with a bad temper will tell you!

How do you handle situations when they arise for you? Most of the time for me, I react and then take the time to understand and then try to repair the chaos with response. I know that is ass backwards! Sometimes I think this process is human nature, but other times, I think it is just a bad excuse for bad tempers! I have always despised people using excuses not to do or change something. However, I have done the exact same thing! I have had a bad temper for years, and had taken great steps to keep it in check, until the last couple of years. The last couple of years, it has become more difficult to keep it in check, and a lot easier to just react.

I don't like not having control over myself, let alone different situations. It keeps me in a constant state of chaos. I have spent years, learning to control my temper, my reactions, and even my conversations; keeping them in a neat and tidy little box that no one had the privileged of knowing about. My deepest thoughts, my feelings/emotions, my insecurities, and yes, even my achievements were locked away. I was proud of myself, but it was easier to lock away the achievement than to deal with those who didn't show the same level of excitement those achievements brought to me. As with all my emotions/feelings, have been tamped down to keep any disappointments to a minimum. So, I take all those emotions wrap them up tight, and but them in the proverbial box of stuff that I keep within the solid walls I have built around myself.

The last couple of years, though, it seems that tidy little box has become so full, it's trying to overflow. I have made plenty of mistakes, no...that's not right. I have plenty of life lessons. I have seen so much good, my share of bad, and seen so much disloyalty. I have allowed too many people to treat me disrespectfully, I have been disrespectful, and I have taken a shit-ton of issues on my own shoulders that should not have ever been put there. I have dealt with life changing issues(from a very young age), watched loved ones become ill and pass on without properly grieving. I have allowed family to treat me as though I do not matter, and cause too much interference in my life. I have allowed friendships to falter over irrelevant issues, and walked away from friendships that were causing too many issues. I have held onto resentments that probably should have been let go of, and let of issues that I should have taken a closer look at.

Even with some major issues, I am still learning about, I have done some pretty remarkable things. I get to be a full-time Mom. Even on days when the kids are a little overwhelming, I know how amazing that is. I can say without the shadow of doubt, I know my kids better than anyone else on this planet! I get to teach my kids. While this has caused some major ruckus, it has been such an amazingly inspirational journey so far. It has been the best journey I could have ever taken. I got a degree at 23 years old, and paid for it myself, while working. I got a certificate with honors in Natural Health Consulting, while taking care of an 8 year old and a new born. I beat cancer! I donate, every year, to a local good will group and one in my hometown, to allow other children to have Christmas gifts...even if it means cutting back on my own family Christmas. I have found the differences between religion and spirituality, without losing faith in a higher power. I have grown my knowledge in cooking/baking, growing/raising my own food, and preserving that food. I have gained tremendous wisdom from my husbands family about the ways love plays into everything we do for our families. I have gained enormous insight to life, where I live, from my husband. Even though I know he must get frustrated with me when I don't know what he's talking about, or ask a million questions...a million times about something he's already tried to explain!

Last night, I got about 6 hours of sleep. I normally have one of two kinds of sleep...1.)very light, where I hear every noise or 2.) very hard, where I wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. Last night, however, I had what I can only describe as an insightful rest. I woke up rested, but full of sight and feeling a whole lot lighter than I have for a long time. I don't remember dreaming much, but I woke up with a fresh thought process to dealing with some issues that have been irritating me. I felt like, even though the issues are going to be there, I could handle them and even knew a few ideas that could work. I have even began a couple of them this morning, already. I knew my reactions to a few situations yesterday were horrible, but I reacted the whole day. It wasn't until I took some time; even slammed a few things around, and took a few deep breaths that I felt a little more in control and could respond. It took until almost 1 this morning to get the reactions to the situations drawn away from chaos, and allow everything to calm down again, enough for me to be able to sleep.

I know we are all a work in progress, and we do what we think is right. Even though we may take the hardest path possible, we need to become more aware of our reactions, and turn them into responses. So many believe that chose the path we are on in life, long before we ever got here. If that is the case, we are meant to learn from our situations to allow our soul to evolve. By always reacting, we are not learning. It's only when we turn those would be reactions into insightful and meaningful responses that can actually learn. Whether we believe in this theory or not, the overall lesson is the same. We must quit reacting to situations and take the time to process, and understand them; then respond to them. If we never learn how to change situations, they will just reoccur until we are willing to process, understand, learn and then change them.

Each of us are on a remarkable journey during our short time on this Earth. When we allow situations to rule that journey, we are not living up to our potential and those situations are stealing the very happiness and peace we all strive to have. Don't waste another second, using reactions as an excuse. Respond to whatever situation you are dealing with, and move on in happiness and peace. Don't get swept away with all drama that reacting causes. Take the time to learn what the situations are trying to teach you. Take the time to understand it, and then formulate a plan to fix it. Only when you are making an educated, informed response will the situations begin to disappear and in turn, you will find your happiness and peace.

Peace,
~Salli~

The hamster wheel of life

It's amazing to me how life can have so many possibilities, yet be stagnant at the same time. Have you every met and talked to some people, only to find that their personality hadn't changed much from many years ago? Or talked to someone only to feel like you've been drug down a rabbit hole, and you are waiting for some crazy type of creature to jump out yelling "you've been punked?" Speaking to people you've known for many years, yet you come to the realization that you really don't know them at all.

Life, as I see it, is full of amazing ups and some pretty drastic drops. When you take time to slow down enough, you see some amazing colors, rich cultures, and some spectacular views. You find some amazing people, and even if they are not meant to stay in your life, they are meant to show you something remarkable. You know the phrase: Friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you slow down just a little, you tend to see more beauty in the simple things, the simple expressions, and less in the material rhelm.

In my own life, I began slowing down some 18 years ago, when I moved to Missouri. Although I had some time of "sowing my wild oats," life was slower by nature. Then when I had kids, life slowed down again. I began seeming life through the eyes of my oldest, and then again with my youngest. Life took on a different meaning for me. Instead of feeling like I couldn't succeed without a high profile career, or a busy social life; life meant bedtime stories, playing basketball, playing on the swing set, putting together puzzles, or playing board games. Having a social life away from home, seemed pointless. Having a career again, would be nice, but would also take away from these 2 amazing little people that continually show me what's really important in life.

These last few years, I have felt like I was on that hamster wheel again - busy life, busy social life, studying like crazy, trying to make time for absolutely everything under the sun. I felt like I did when I left my life in Illinois to start over. Feeling like you are constantly chasing after the non-existent carrot on a string, running after it for all you are worth, and never catching it. Finding absolutely every flaw imaginable, and degrading yourself for every mistake; it brings you to an overwhelming low. Then there are those that are more than happy to pick you apart, shred every belief you have, and pick apart the life you have worked so hard to build. Even though they don't have a clue what has gone into the life you have built, and they don't have their own life in order. So many are happy to judge by what little they see on the surface. They don't take into account what has led to where you are in life.

For me, I packed up a life that I had grown up in. Loaded whatever would fit into a Dodge Omni, and took off! I was tired of games and the he said/she said crap. Even though it meant leaving behind a great relationship, it was overwhelming pressure of family, that had me looking for a fresh start and a place that no one new me. It had me pushing for a life that was my own. One that I could build, one that people would come to know me and accept me for me, and a place I could grow to become so much more than I ever was prior. For the first 2 years after I moved, my life was my own. No one knew what I was doing, no one was telling me how to run my life or what was or was not acceptable. I had to make choices and deal with consequences. Even when money got tight, I was exhausted from working and going to college, or the few times I got a little home sick; it was my life. I learned to love my own company, I worked hard, studied hard and yes, even played hard. I didn't have everything together, I was only 23/24 years old. I was enjoying life and learning from the rough spots. I eventually dated, but that was not ever a high priority during that time. I was trying to find myself. I did to some degree, but then things changed again. After a couple years, finishing college, and feeling ready to settle down; I was packed and ready to head back to my hometown. The night before I was to leave, I agreed to meet my now husband, for coffee after my shift. After talking until almost 5 the next morning, I decided to stay and see where it went. We had a lot in common, he was easy to talk to and seemed genuine. Fast forward, and 23 away from 16 years of marriage, multiple changes in both of us, 2 kids, and too many roller coaster dips and dives to count, and here I am.

What I did not know years ago, was that so many emotional times in 23 years I spent in my hometown, that were not dealt with, would be coming back to haunt me. Instead of dealing with many issues, I swept them under the rug for years, or neglected to handle them. I walked away from the issues when I left Illinois, thinking that they would just go away. That I could outrun them, I guess. I would never guess that they would come back up years later, that the overwhelming emotions from all those years ago would affect me more now than they did then. However, just as I did not deal with the issues of my life in Illinois, there have been issues in my life in Missouri that I have swept under the rug or chosen not to deal with. With so much unresolved, I have spent nearly 3 years in a daily struggle to do what is necessary and right, try not to take my own anger and resentments out on everyone, and to live the life I chose to the fullest. It becomes a daily struggle to just get through the day, let alone to do it without tears. When I left Illinois, I left behind all my family and friends that I had known forever. I left behind the only life style I had ever known. Yes, I built a life for myself in Missouri, but then I married a guy from here and had to start all over with a new life again. One that was so far removed from anything I had ever known, it sent my head spinning like a top!

I have spent so many years in a constant struggle for identity, that I don't know where to start now. I have melded into what I have thought was acceptable, what seemed to be the role I was expected to play, or one that would not embarrass my husband or kids. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I was. Who I wanted to be, and became who I was expected to be. Now, 6 months after my 40th birthday, I am trying to find the real me again. I am trying to push aside the expectations and allow my own personality to flow again. I have so many areas that interest me, so many that hold my attention for a while, and some that are just a moment of interest. I have always been proud of my academic achievements. I finished high school with decent grades, graduated college with a degree, have since gone on to get a certificate, and working toward another. I have always loved history, science, and architecture. I can sit and draw floor plans or furniture plans in no time. Biology, marine biology, meta physics, quantum physics, astrology, astronomy and theology have always fascinated me, and I read and study everything I can! History is fascinating, as so many times throughout history...it's been repeated. History is such a broad subject of people, places and things. The history behind so many things and places, have never failed to catch my attention. With so much knowledge, so many interests, and so few with the same understanding; it has caused me to withdraw and feel like I must lower my conversations for some to understand. After doing this for so long, my ability to effectively communicate anymore is slipping away. I can carry on a conversation but to explain to some one that doesn't have a clue what I am talking about, is nearly impossible. Not to mention, those that are stuck in one train of thought and aren't willing to learn anything different. It's frustrating at best, and spirit sucking at worst.

I have caught myself asking my daughter: "why must you put on good clothes/shoes when we are going to be outside working." I have even given her static about being so "girlie." You know, I think if I listened to her, I would be much better off! Her thoughts are she's going to do what she has to and wants to, but she's going to look good and feel good while doing it! This theory, goes right along with the theory I used to have. Always get up, dress up, show up and have fun doing whatever you are doing. If you aren't having fun, you are doing the wrong thing. Maybe I need to pay more attention to my 6 year old's theory of life. A little girl with so much energy, a willing smile that lights up a room, and eyes that catch even the smallest of details. She's my little sponge!

There was a time in my life that I wouldn't leave the house without dressing nice, having my hair and makeup done to perfection, and I would enjoy whatever I was doing. Now, I never wear makeup anymore, my hair...HA! It gets piled on my head, and getting dressed up consists of second hand jeans covered in paint or stain, a garage sale shirt also covered in paint or stain, and occasionally, putting in earrings. Enjoying whatever I am doing now...is not as likely. Too much of my life now seems to be draining. It's become a constant battle of doing what I love, or paying bills. It's spending 95% of my life on 25 acres of ground, pushing my kids to do their chores - hoping they do them well enough, trying to teach them to love learning and not to fear questioning everything, struggling to find that is just for me to refuel and be able to keep going, being supportive of the hopes and dreams of my family - while pushing mine further to the back burner, and trying to find a peace of mind that will allow me to keep growing as person, without pushing everyone away. I love my life, but it too has become a hamster wheel of chasing that invisible carrot. There is so much I love about my life, but there are also the areas that keep me feeling upended. I know if I could conquer the old issues and finally let them go, it would make a big difference, but I'm not sure how to do that. I'm not sure how to push forward, burn bridges and not regret it later. I want to be around more people that I don't have to "dumb down," my conversation so they can understand it. I talk to my husband, and my best friend, but beyond that...I don't want to make anyone feel bad for not knowing what on earth I am talking about, but I don't want to have to explain every single point. I want to be around people that happy, intelligent, thought provoking and fun. However, so many seem to be stuck on this hamster wheel. So many sugar coat what they say, or beat around the bush, and so many are wearing blinders to anything outside the current rhelm of knowledge. They don't want to know any different, aren't willing to accept that there is something new or different, and they are more than happy to belittle you for your thoughts and beliefs instead of trying to understand what led you there. It seems like a culture that has given up learning, and trying to find something more; it's easier for some to just go with whatever mainstream tells them.

While I willingly admit there is A LOT that I do not know, it does not change what I do know. It does not take away the fact that I am willing to learn, even eager to learn. I am not afraid to question what doesn't make sense to me, I'm not afraid to research and change my opinion if real research proves my thoughts are wrong. I am not opposed to looking to history, or to alternatives for answers. I have looked for answers to thoughts, and found that my research leads to so much information I could not have guessed. I have had health issues, as have my whole family, that we have been able to control without prescriptions. After prescriptions failed to work, a change in diet and learning the triggers for each issue, we learned how to fix the problems. Having a wide range of health concerns within my family, it required learning a new way of life, it required understanding that modern medicine has a place but so does holistic health, it required accepting that there would be times for both. What I did not understand was how or why it would cause such a ruckus! Either way, we do what we need to for our family.

I'm learning so much from the life I live now. The old ways, the modern ways, the ways that work and the ones that don't. I have learned about equine, livestock, soil type, chemical use, organic soil preservation, how to fence, husbandry, gestation dates for all the animals, and even some of the not so good aspects - animal death, diseases of different animals, wildlife feasting on livestock, being rooted to the farm to care for animals even when there are other things you want to do, and of course, Mother Nature's ebb and flow. While there are some modern means that work fairly well, there are a lot of the antique ways that are still the tried and true. While there are many that feel the need to keep up with others, with the newest technology, or the biggest tractors; there are just as many that are stuck in a past that may work, or are the antique ways that are no longer a viable option, or are not willing to try anything newer. While I prefer not to use chemicals on our garden or in our animal feeds, there are plenty that find fault with that. I know that living 100% "organic," is not possible in today's world, but there is absolutely no reason I can think of not to do as much as I can to avoid as many chemicals as possible! There is no reason I can think of to not want the best for my family, that I can give them.

I have a constant need for education, learning, and expanding my mind to possibilities that seem impossible. There is so much research available, so many theories that have caught my attention, and the real science from independent research is amazing! In the United States, it seems that we have so many taboo subjects. When I have been researching, so much of the most beneficial research has come from the UK, Japan, France and Germany. Places that seem to accept a coexistence of the old and new ways, places that are not powered by corporate research but the real science of independent scientists that are willing to explore and expand on knowledge. Science is truly an amazing thing when it's done without bias, and reported with real and accurate results.

I am trying to move beyond the issues that seem to weigh me down, and the ones that I have had to deal with on my own. I am trying to understand the triggers of those issues to avoid letting them take hold, yet again. I am trying to find others to connect with that will help me grow in mind, body and spirit; without them belittling me, treating me poorly, or using me as a gossip piece. Finding authentic people is truly a challenge when everyone is looking to climb a ladder with no concern who they step on, on the way up.

The ladder of success means something different for everyone, as does the meaning of success. While more and more are becoming driven my financial success, or career success; there are still a few that measure success by their happiness. For me, there seems to be a need for a middle ground. We all know the world operates on money. Even as pathetic as it is. You can't really live without some sort of income. However, my theory is this: If you find a career/job that makes your happy, allows you an income; you have succeeded! You may not have everything you want, or enough money in the bank to take a month long vacation, but you are successful. When you love what you are doing, you will never work a day in your life.

There are so many directions I could go, to be doing something I love for the rest of my life, it is difficult to take that first step. Between the nay sayers, the socially acceptable roles, the fear of failure, and even the initial investments; it can be overwhelming. I know that in different parts of our country there are different theories. There are areas that everyone is open to possibilities, there are others that are definitely not! There are roles; whether gender, age, or social class that limit what "is acceptable." For me, I love to work with my hands. Whether that consists of building furniture or a house, that is what gives me peace! Even when I get frustrated at a design flaw, I am happiest when I am building or designing something. Bringing new life to something old, building something completely new, or redesigning a layout to make it functionable; that gets my creativity flowing. Those types of things allow me to express myself. I'm not an artist in the way of drawing priceless art, but give me some lumber and I can build anything!

It's time for me to find my intellectual equals, to find those that aren't so bogged down by following what is considered mainstream and is willing to think and question for themselves. It's time for me to burn the bridges of those stuck in a mundane and unfulfilling life. Those that are so blinded they can't accept the possibilities of what may be, or just the mindset to be willing to consider it. I have too many people in my life that are more than happy to keep on the blinders and bash something they know nothing about. It's time to filter them out, and filter in those people that raise my own vibrations with a healthy and happy mind, body and spirit.

Stepping off the hamster wheel of life!
~Salli~

June 1st Coffee Chat

It's June 1st and just 20 days from the official start to Summer. Around here, the weather has been very temperamental. Some beautiful days but mostly rainy and cool days. A lot of the normals, as far as temperatures, has been way off. It's been a cool, wet Spring for us. Not good for gardens, that's for sure!

As I begin a new month, I am going through some of my thoughts and journals from May. There seems to be a whirlwind of thoughts I could write about, but I'm going to attempt to keep this from taking hours to read! :) Here we go!

Looking through my records for the previous month, has brought me to some serious thoughts this morning. We had a promotion party for our kids this last weekend. We always enjoy having get together's at our home. There is usually plenty of food, and bonfires. With the rainy Spring we've had, we didn't get to have a bonfire this weekend. It was disappointing for me, but I don't enjoy sitting in rain. It still feels like we left part of our party out. It was cold and rainy, but the ones that came out were good spirits and tried to enjoy themselves despite it. We got to laughing about the change in crowd for this gathering. This crowd was older, more mature and honestly...more our speed. There were not a bunch of people our age, but we still had a great time. This crowd didn't need the "party" atmosphere, they still remembered how to visit, and communicate. It was great! There weren't cell phones going off, or constant text messages or internet used. You all know how much of a pet peeve that is for me!

I spent a short time visiting with my Dad Friday before the party. I guess knowing a few more details of his life helped some, but still has me a little uneasy. I also got to see a couple of friends, also going through a divorce, Saturday. That situation also leaves me in a difficult predicament. I don't like to be put in the middle of situations, even though it seems that for whatever reason, I am put there by most people I know. Everyone turns to me when they need to talk/vent. I am glad to listen, and I will put in my two cents usually, but sometimes it's very difficult to keep my mouth filter in check. Too many times, it's easy to see situations from the outside and those that turn to me to talk, don't like the "outsider" point of view. So, even though I have plenty of thoughts of my own, I try to keep them to myself. That tends to make me bite my tongue...and let me tell you, my tongue is getting mighty sore!

I know I am not an easy person to deal with/put up with/ and sometimes even to talk with. I have very strong opinions, very strong beliefs, and very strong emotions; even if I do not ever show them. I believe in being fair, making sure that kids are treated right, and understanding that there are 2 sides to every story. However, there comes a point in time, and with every story, you have to read between the lines and see the grey area that exists. There is rarely a time that everything appears in black or white. Then when you have to read between the lines and piece together the real story, with 2 opposing stories only being one sided, it becomes pretty clear. For me, I have learned to read body language, almost too well. I can see so much more just by watching the behavior of people. Sometimes, it's really annoying to know there is so much not being said, even though I am told snippets of information. I don't make judgements, that's not my job. However, I don't like the B.S. of he said/she said, the vague blanket statements, or people who beat around the bush. To me that is just immaturity and behaving childishly.

I have struggled with keeping my mouth in check for a long time. Too many times, the thoughts that pop into my head, spill out of my mouth. The past couple of months, I have spent more time listening, and observing. You know what I have noticed? Logic and common sense, are a lost art! Too many are only looking for themselves, and they don't care who they step on or hurt along the way. Too many have taken on the attitude of being better than everyone else. Too many have forgotten how to think with their heads instead of hearts. People have placed material items, above everything else. People have forgotten how to think logically when it comes to finance, dealing with other people's emotions, and friendships have become expendable. Loyalty, logic and common sense have flown right out the window! I have struggled with keeping quiet, when I really want speak my mind. Too many of those I do speak with, are happy to tell me to mind my own business, or butt out...even though they come to me to talk. That's fine, and I will. However, when I am told about things, and being an outsider gives me an objective view, please don't get upset when I share my thoughts. If that is what is going to happen, then I would prefer not to be involved in the conversation.

I am struggling to do the right thing for myself and my family, especially when it doesn't always coincide with my beliefs. I work hard to do what is best for us as a family unit. Lately, this has included stepping back, biting my tongue and accepting that some outside opinions are going to be hurtful and even anger me. I work hard to keep our household running as smoothly as possible...which is a daily struggle. I try to keep up with our extended families, although that is not always easy, and sometimes causes more stress than I want to deal with. I get upset when I do what I feel is best only to be second guessed, but someone that doesn't know what goes on under our roof. Unfortunately, each of us has our own lives, and unless you live under the same roof, you can't know all that goes on...as much as some would like to believe otherwise. I am a stubborn person, at best, and I will withdraw from people that make me feel less of person, in a heartbeat! I can tell you, I am withdrawing from a lot of people. I can not handle those that are sucking my energy, those that are using me or those that feel superior. I am an educated, intelligent and caring person; those that truly know me know this. They know I am stubborn, opinionated, loyal, trustworthy, and will defend those that share the same qualities, to the end. However, as the saying goes, "if you are going to play games, I will show you how they are played." I don't like games, but I am competitive, and I don't like to lose!

I think starting a new month, with a full moon none-the-less, has helped me refresh my spirit. Even with a lot of B.S. going on, I am truly hopeful for a good Summer, and a good month. I am thrilled to be able to get into the garden and do some grounding work. I am excited for several projects, and possible upcoming projects too. Even with the a bit of heaviness on my heart, that I'm not sure what to make of, I know it's time for some renewal in my life. Taking time for daily yoga and exercise, still struggling to eliminate smoking from my life, refocusing on eating real foods, and getting finances back on track; I feel refreshed or rejuvenated if you will. There are many areas that will take work, and will-power, a few areas that will make me focus again, and even some areas that I have to learn to just let go of. I can't change the world, but I can change my world. I can do the best I can with what I have to work with, and relearn how to go with the flow.

With so many judgments or rumors that fly about everyone anymore, I can't help but wonder how many would stop if people focused on their lives instead of others. Instead of people readily tearing a person down, if we could just give them a hand up. Instead of everyone being busy bodies, and getting involved in lives they have no business being in, how their own life would improve. You know, it seems to me, everyone is trying to save something. Yet, those trying to save things, are the ones that have lives that need attention. All I can say is: Don't judge someone else's skeletons unless you have none in your own closet. Even if you may not agree with a life someone is living, I guarantee you are not perfect and have zero right to judge someone else!

As I begin this month, and refocusing on what I need and want for my life, I am changing what I need to. I am changing my focus and ignoring the outside noise of opinion that don't matter. I am really good at keeping my family first, and they will continue to come first. Everyone outside of my home, will fall in behind. I have let a lot of my wants and needs fall by the wayside, and have allowed negative attitudes affect me too much. I am me in all the good, bad and ugly. If you want to be around me, you have to accept all of me.

I have heard so many times over the last few days, "it is what it is." I have said this as a blanket statement to keep my opinions to myself. Honestly, when I have said this, it's usually to hide my own opinions or emotions. It's usually a way to avoid a confrontation, argument, or to keep a conflicting opinion to myself. I absolutely hate that phrase...with a passion! It is such a stupid phrase that basically says, yep there's an issue, and even though you know about it, I don't want to tell you anymore. It's a pathetic excuse to get a pity party. I am guilty of using it, but I can't count how many times I heard that phrase the last 4 days. Rather than spilling the story, or speaking real thoughts; this phrase comes up. "It is what it is," I want to tell you part of the story but not all of it. I want you know about story, but I am not going to tell you all the story. It seems to be a crutch that is used to mask over the complete story, the real emotion, and yet they want you to at least get part of the story. I have heard this phrase, and cringe at it. Then you get part of the story, only to be an outsider and see how others are manipulating different situations. It's becoming more difficult to keep my thoughts to myself on a few that I am seeing.

Watching our garden come alive so far, I am finding a sense of completeness, that I haven't felt for awhile. I am seeing the work and designing I spent months working on, come to fruition. Seeds have popped up through the dirt, plants have tripled in size, and the effort to condense 3 gardens into 1; has worked...sort of. For me, working the layout of the garden, planning for seeds and plants, and then actually making the hills, planting seeds and plants; that is a labor of love for me. I know that by working with the garden, I am doing what I can to make sure my family is getting the best food possible. It's also a leap of faith, having to depend on Mother Nature and learning how to work with soil types; it's fascinating. It's also frustrating. It's difficult to know the best time to start planting, to avoid frost. It's difficult to have to keep the weeds from taking over, and the hours of preserving is nothing short of work. However, in the middle of Winter, when you pull a jar from the pantry or a bag from the freezer, the work pays off. It's those hours of work and sweat, those days of digging dirt from under my nails, the multiple sunburns from spending days in the garden weeding, the hours of washing and sterilizing the jars; it's a true labor of love, a full-time job for part of the year, and for me, it's a time of connecting with the earth and allowing my own electromagnetic field to be re-energized through grounding. Gardening is good for the mind, body and spirit.

Last week, I spent some time out and about. This is not a usual thing for me. Usually, I get out long enough to get groceries once or twice a month and the rest of the time I am home. Last week, I was actually out, twice. I went to the town we used to live in for the first time in months. I was kind of amazed how a few things had changed. Then a trip to our regular grocery store the next day, in a different town. My regular grocery trip, I was actually alone, for the first time in a long time. I kept the radio off, and rather enjoyed the quiet. I was able to drive and still see how beautiful the area we live in, really is. Seeing quail running on the side of the road, rabbits zig-zagging all over, wetland areas full of ducks and geese, and actually seeing the trees all leaved out. Driving to the store, I decided to take back roads, I don't normally. Even though I ended up having to take a detour because of a road closure, I saw some magnificent sights. The peaceful trip, the sights, and even the shopping experience wasn't as bad as normal. I had to actually slow down, taking the back roads. I had to pay attention and be present in my trip. I let go of anxiety that was getting under my skin and just be.

It's hay season in our neck of the woods again. That means long nights, lots of equipment shuffled around, mowing, raking, baling, and attempting to sell the extra bales we won't need. In my mind, it's a headache and a cluster. You put in the time to check hay throughout May, then you have the mowing, letting it dry, raking, the cost of fuel for the tractors, the twine/net wrap for the bales, baling, and then the headache of selling off the excess. Last year, we had about 60 bales of excess. In my mind, if you know you will need hay for the Winter, it makes more sense to plan ahead. However, too many have neglected to think about the time and money that goes into it, and think they can buy hay for little of nothing. Last year, rather than sell our excess for the $20-$25 a bale that the auction was getting, we sat on in, thinking that maybe one of our neighbors would need it. Total waste of time, money, effort, and space! This year, we contacted a hay broker. Talk about a cluster! For those who don't know, for us, having hay that we put up ourselves, costs about $20 per bale. That is time, the twine to wrap it, the fuel and maintenance. So for us to turn around and sell hay for $25 per bale, just barely gives us any profit to put forward to maintaining our equipment let alone to upgrade equipment. I suppose if we had hundreds of acres, it may make a difference, but we don't. By not being able to sell last years excess, that knocked out a chunk of profit that, normally would have helped recover other expenses on our little farm. The idea of a hay broker, was to cut out some expense of haying, while still being able to maintain some profit to our farm. However, when I started thinking about their terms, it kind of riled me a bit. We still had to mow and rake our hay, then HIRE someone to come in with a big square baler at our expense, and then the broker would pay us per ton of hay. Here's the kicker though. It had to be mowed today, and baled before it got wet, or the already pathetic price was dropped more. With our wet Spring, everything is still wet. The ground, the hay, EVERYTHING. To go out and mow, rake and bale, right now; would rut up the hay ground. Not to mention having to make sure whomever we had hired to come out and bale would be here before it rained actually got here. If not, and we had to take the lower amount per bale, our profit would be exactly what it would be if we sold it at an auction for $25-$30 per bale. It's a headache, I tell ya!

This whole farm life thing, while I love most of it, some of it just sends me into instant anxiety! When you can see your profit window, cutting into the whole of the farm and expenses, it's frustrating. For me, I don't like the not knowing what I have to work with. I like having a plan, knowing what our finances will look like - has not been an easy task since we began this adventure. I don't like juggling finances when markets fluctuate, or as in last year, when we can't eliminate excess to cover the basic financial needs of the farm. I am a notorious planner/list maker. I can not feel organized when so much is up in the air. It is a constant effort for me just to make our regular finances work, before having to throw in any overages of the farm. We you have a small farm, it's a constant battle to stay afloat. It becomes a constant battle of creative budgeting, juggling life to make it all work, and for me - stressing over making everything work, and the anxiety of attempting to make the best choices. I have, admittedly, made some poor choices and am still trying to learn the ropes. I have struggled to try to understand how everything works, and make sense of many areas in my own mind. Sometimes, I think I would like to start fresh, a do-over. Have a chance to make better decisions, and choices so that it would not be such a juggling act. However, I can't do that, so I am learning on the fly. Making mistakes, and dealing with the consequences as I have to, trying to learn everything I can without having too many more mistakes. I know there are some out there who farm, and I hear on a regular basis, that I have to learn to deal with the ups and downs of farm life. That's swell. I am learning, but in my mind, I have to find logic or it will never make sense.

I love our life, even if regularly full of anxiety for me. I am trying to learn the ebb and flow of the livestock markets, hay markets, and Mother Nature's serious bi-polar condition. I have spent almost 16 years now, learning about country life in Northern Missouri. I have made changes to fit into this life, to learn areas that go against everything I ever knew, and I have given up more of myself than anyone will ever know. I've adjusted, the best I can to areas of our life that are not where I want them to be, or areas that have been thrown in my lap. I have accepted that my place is being a mom, wife, teacher, counselor, naturalist, and being there to support other hopes, dreams, and desires. I have accepted that my beliefs are a lot different than most, and because of that I will always be looked down upon. I have also accepted that there are times that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough or accepted.

I suppose I will use the blanket approach, it is what it is. I do what I can, and that's all I can do. I can't force anyone to respect me, I can't force anyone to see things from point of view, and I can't expect anyone else to understand or accept how my life has to work. I don't want deal with a bunch of bull, I don't deal with liars, thieves or cheats. I don't want a bunch of drama thrown into my life, let alone to hear about it. I like logic, honesty, loyalty, respect, and caring in my world. I give it, and I want it in return.

I will end this coffee chat here. I am a little too frustrated to keep going today.
~S~